Are We Deceiving Ourselves? Or "Quid Est Veritas?"

[RobynP]

Where do I start except at the beginning... I am a 52-year young crossdresser. I have been crossdressing since my early teen years. For a long time I thought I was the only one with this "strange behavior" that I did not share with anyone. During my college years, I spent a lot of time in libraries to find out anything about crossdressing. Unfortunately, at that time, most of the information available was in Abnormal Psychology. My first purge occurred when I got married. I thought that the crossdressing would go away once I was married. It turned out the opposite happened. I was like a kid in a candy store having access to all of my wife's things. I continued my research online when CompuServe and AOL first started. I met several people locally who were also crossdressers. I started to crossdress more and more expanding my wardrobe quite a bit. I did not tell my wife about my crossdressing until many years into the marriage and after two kids. She hated the crossdressing but felt very trapped in the marriage. We tried both joint and individual counseling and my wife grudgingly started to accept the crossdressing in order to preserve the marriage. My crossdressing "escalated" to becoming active in several CD/TG groups and attending both local and national CD/TG conventions. My wife and I divorced after 20 years of marriage. My wife's inner resentment of the crossdressing (even though outwardly she accepted it) drove an irreversible wedge between us. She was slowly withdrawing from me physically and emotionally causing me to find comfort elsewhere...

I have been divorced now for almost nine years and been swimming in the dating pool now for a while. I have had a number of relationships since the divorce, some short, some long. My last relationship lasted for several years and we were seriously talking about marriage. However, the one thing that has caused the breakup of most of my relationships has been the crossdressing.

The women I have dated universally have hated the crossdressing and have broken off the relationship because of it. Sometimes I have told the women within the first couple of dates, others I have waited until later in the relationship. I have tried to be somewhat selective in who I date trying to figure out ahead of time if they open to different lifestyles. For the most part, they all have been open to other lifestyles except when it comes to their boyfriend or potential husband. The women that I have been in longer relationships with, I have given them various information about crossdressing that is available for wives and girlfriends.

In my last relationship, my girlfriend not only hated the crossdressing but also considered it an addiction like alcohol, drugs, or gambling. Not only did she want me to toss out everything to do with crossdressing, she wanted me to seek addiction treatment. Not only did she not want me crossdressing, she did not want me to be a crossdresser.

I have never considered my crossdressing to be an addiction or even an obsessive/compulsive behavior (in the clinical sense). However, her position was that if I could not stop it forever, especially since it was a deal-breaker in our relationship, then I was addicted to it.

I do not crossdress 24/7 nor do I want to. I do not want a sex change. I am not even active in the local CD/TG community anymore. I do not feel the need to crossdress all the time. When I do, my appearance is like a divorced soccer mom.

I feel secure in my manhood. I DO enjoy being a man. There are many other things I would much rather do than to crossdress. However, there are times when something triggers inside of me and the desire to crossdress becomes very strong and difficult to resist. And being single, it has been easy to accommodate the desire. I am not "out" to my kids, my family, or to my co-workers. There is no need for them to know.

If you ask 100 people "Is the Earth flat?" and 99 out of 100 say yes, it does not mean that the Earth IS flat. Those 99 people are wrong. The person asking the question probably was asking the members of the Flat Earth Society...

Therefore, if I ask you "Is crossdressing an addiction or an obsessive/compulsive behavior?" it would not surprise me if 100% say absolutely not. Moreover, there is not a whole lot of scientific research to support or refute the question. If it is, the psychologists and psychiatrists really are not interested in it probably because it is a small group of people or there are many other addictions that are more destructive.

Are we fooling ourselves? How many of us could stop crossdressing today, throw everything out or give it away, and never, ever think another thought about crossdressing? I know that many of us have tried to stop the behavior (some of us many times) but we eventually "fall off the wagon"... Many of us have gone through one or more divorces, lost their jobs, lost important relationships with friends and family because of crossdressing. (And I am not talking about the people who transition.) There are many couples who accommodate the crossdressing with a "Don't ask, Don't tell." agreement. Aren't these all symptoms of an addiction?

Even though the women I have dated do not represent a scientific survey sample, when 100% are not only turned off, but also break off the relationship because of the crossdressing, it tells me something.

Yes, there ARE women out there who can tolerate and accept a crossdressing boyfriend or husband, but I think there are fewer than we would like to think. And the number of women who actively enjoy and encourage their partner's crossdressing is even smaller. How many women ACTIVELY seek a relationship with a crossdresser and who would break off a relationship with a man because he ISN'T a crossdresser? (There are a number of male "tranny chasers" or "admirers". But how many women are "tranny chasers" or "admirers"? Doesn't this strike you as a little strange?)

Anyhow, I have decided to jump out of the dating pool for a while... I need some time off to think about things...

Are we deceiving ourselves about crossdressing? Sure, it's not "normal" but is it addictive? Even though many of us are out in the public and, for the most part, the public doesn't give a hoot about how we look. However, what society in general says about us seems to contradict what many of our girlfriends, potential wives, and wives tell us.

So what is the truth about crossdressing?

--Robyn

[renee99]

All I can say to this line of thought is that it is very much in fashion to label any behavior that society disapproves of, and the medical establishment does not understand the motives behind, as an "addiction". This is usually followed by various religious-motivated or profit-motivated groups offering "treatment" for such an addiction. It is profitable to pathologize normal human behavior after all, it guarantees that there are no end of customers.

[Julie York]

I am not addicted.

What is the 'repeat pattern' for an addiction?


I eat strawberries once every summer then forget all about them.
I eat a whole bar of chocolate about twice a year.
I have 6 cups of tea a day.
I dress up fully maybe twice a year.
I smoke myself silly.

I AM addicted to cigarettes and I may be addicted to tea.

I am not addicted to crossdressing though I find it fun now and then. It does not rule my life, disrupt my work, relationships or any aspect of my life.
I may spend some time fantacising about it, but it isn't disruptive to anything.


What is the definition of an addiction?
(That's a serious question. Anyone know?)

[Kathryn Philips]

The fact that most of us start showing an interest in dressing as a girl at a very you age (4yrs in my case) would suggest that there is either something biological or something in common happens to us when our brains are still young and very maleable.

My wife thinks that my CDing is a mentall illness and that I need to be cured. When she made such a comment I realised that she would never accept me as a CD. I have continued to dress secretly...

[Marla S]

Long insightful post. Thanks

Dating: My ex and I broke up too almost a year ago, partly because of crossdressing and certainly because of the slow withdrawing you spoke of.
She seemed to be kind of accepting too, but it turned out that she was not able to get rid of her inner resistance.
Well, now I am alone too and finding a partner will not be easy.
But if, she will need and has to know before. (I dress as openly as possible anyway.)
The other way round is not fair IMO and doesn't help (you don't get acceptance by "trapping" someone)
This aspect of my life is part of me like the color of my eyes. I have no intention to change it, she has to like it or leave it.

Addiction:
I don't think CDing or TG is an addiction, but you can make it look addiction like or develop addiction like behavior very easy.

The more you try to suppress it the more easy you will get addiction like episodes. (I. e. you don't care anymore about look, style, tastefulness or whatever, you just need to dress and maybe show it.)

The desperate need to pass or to look very sexy or like a particular woman might become addictive.

Visiting this forum might become addictive.

etc.

CDing is rather a basic need to express feminity (a social wonder that not everybody has it).

[Lanore]

Wow! I'm really glad my best friend is a lesbian, she likes women. I hope that doesn't sound bad, but I am. I have no SO, I live alone and I love my life. I never thought of how I am as an addiction. It's just who I am. Robyn, I wish the best for you.

Lanore

[soccervixen]

Well, we need to face it that crossdressing causes a LOT of confusion - just read the posts by many of us who have been doing it for years, and the internal struggles expressed, apart from relationships. We feel at odds with our natural "equipment" because there are urges to 1) look like women, 2) feel like women. Many of us express turmoil for having to live a "masculine" life when we feel more feminine, our identity is feminine.

So we should not be surprised that most people will find our behavioral choices to be so different as to cause deep internal difficulties, confusion, and in some cases, revulsion. Most women want to be with a man; when we take on the persona of a woman, that' s not what they bargained for. They aren't sure who they're relating to - is it the man with a male name, or is it a woman with a woman's name?

I think we should have really low expectations of our family, friends, and even society in general. I wouldn't - and shouldn't - expect my friends to understand why I am sitting here typing in a long black skirt, multi-colored 1/2 sleeve viscose blouse, 3 1/2" pumps, with eye shadow and mascara (and boy do I enjoy this! ). So I do it where both I and they can be comfortable. I enjoy the chances I get to do it, and I'm not worrying about other times, though I do sometimes find myself daydreaming ...

I'm still not too sold on the biological aspect, though most of your experience s began young, some very young. Me - I only began 2-3 months ago at age 47. I honestly don't think I had any supressed desires before that. The desires have just arrived, and I am enjoying fulfilling them!

Will this change? Perhaps. But I'm not holding my breath.

[Marla S]

What is the definition of an addiction?
(That's a serious question. Anyone know?)

I think (not sure) addiction is a compulsive substitute act for some basic needs like happyness, contentedness, love, relationship, contacts and the like. Focussing your mental and emotional energy onto the addictive drug, thereby losing sight of the needs to handle your life (health, money, family, job, etc.). An important critria is that the addictive drug is exchangable.

The latter means that CDing should be exchangable with smoking in principle (at least in some cases). Oh you do both .... maybe chocolate ????

[suchacutie]

Every human prefers certain actions over others. Each of our minds is a complex mix of ideas and desires. The vast majority of us prefer to eat what we like rather than take the nourishment intravenously, for example. Someone who didn't eat would be thought of as not being in the ordinary stream of things. I'm sure we could name a very long list of such things.

For many of us here, our feminine part is very important to us. Sharing a life with another human, in the best of circumstances, involves the desire to share every bit our our lives with each other, plus the willingness to show an incredible trust in that person by laying bare our deepest feelings...a remarkable vulnerability. Many will be afraid of that kind of openness if they, themselves, fear openness.

The words "addiction" is so difficult to operationalize. Our feminine part is important...just important.

tina

[susie evans]

those are a lot of good points and i don't think there is an indavidual answerfor any of us but every time i stoped whenit caim back it was stron ger that before
susie

[Janelle Young]

I have been with a few (3) women that have known and accepted my crossdressing. For what ever reason it did not work out between us. I have been with one woman that I told about my dressing and she could not deal with it. I am upset with that as I really liked the one that could not deal with it.

Dressing for me is an addiction and at the same time it is more than an addiction. It is in a way like breathing, it is something I must do. I don't have to do it all of the time, but at times I have to do it. If I could give up dressing and be a 'normal male' I would do that in a heart beat. Unfortunately I can not do that. I have tried and for me it can not be done.

For me I hold out hope I will meet a person who is ok with the dressing. If I don't meet her, oh well, her loss, life will still go on and I will be happy with that life.

[linnea]

I think that the struggle that you have describe--a complex on, to be sure--is a matter of personal expressions and responses, not a matter of addiction. Yes, many of us have purged and many of us have gone through traumatic circumstances related to our CDing. And yes, there are many social mores that would motivate us to stop dressing, but those are learned attitudes and behaviors. There are a number of cultures in which crossdressing is acceptable and even, to some extent, expected. Southwest native American peoples have the "berdache" that is a crossdressing adult male who is totally accepted without prejudice. That won't make things any better in mainstream American culture; it is just a case in point that the responses to crossdressing are learned responses based on a variety of social and cultural conditions common to many people in the United States.
I doubt that we will ever settle the debate about whether or not crossdressing is a "condition," an illness, an aberrant behavior, normal, or something else. It is not a criminal act in most places in the USA and many other countries; it is not inherently harmful to others (though it may harm relationships because of partners' attitudes or other reasons).
It may become obsessive, but I don't think that it could be considered an addiction.
Just my thoughts.

[Peggy55]

I am not addicted.

What is the 'repeat pattern' for an addiction?


I eat strawberries once every summer then forget all about them.
I eat a whole bar of chocolate about twice a year.
I have 6 cups of tea a day.
I dress up fully maybe twice a year.
I smoke myself silly.

I AM addicted to cigarettes and I may be addicted to tea.

I am not addicted to crossdressing though I find it fun now and then. It does not rule my life, disrupt my work, relationships or any aspect of my life.
I may spend some time fantacising about it, but it isn't disruptive to anything.


What is the definition of an addiction?
(That's a serious question. Anyone know?)

Addiction is a mental or physical disorder proposed to be precipitated by a combination of genetic, biological/pharmacological and social factors. Addiction is characterized by the repeated use of substances or behaviors despite clear evidence of morbidity secondary to such use.

[Amanda Jane]

"Abnormal Psychology" like there is big money in normal psych

i fool no one, not myself, not others, if i'm different, so be it, its only one area of my life, and i'm different in the others too, i've found that if i'm open, honest, and tell the truth that the cards fall my way / i've meet many girls who accept / a few who celebrate it / and a couple who are just 'interested'

[Dragster]

Robyn, our life story, at least the CD part is almost a copy of mine, 10 years later. I first told my wife after 20 years, and we went through many years of me hiding it again; she didn't want to know. I felt the need to be more truthful 2 years ago, when I found this forum. We're still together (thank God) but we're no nearer an agreement, and I have noticed the withdrawl from a sexual point of view, but not emtionally. She still feels "disgusted" by my habit, and thinks it's an addiction, because I come here most nights. After reading some material from here, I believe we're born with the tendency, due to a low level of testosterone in our mother's womb when our brains were "wired", in a similar way that homosexuality is believed to come from the same conditions. We were programmed to like CDing, and that was reinforced, for me, when I discovered how exciting, sexually, it was for me when I first put on female clothing. Then I was hooked for life!

Tony

[Rachel Morley]

How many of us could stop crossdressing today, throw everything out or give it away, and never, ever think another thought about crossdressing?

I have to be honest, I know I personally couldn't do it. It's always there in my mind every single day to a greater or lesser extent. There is no way I could stop, and to quote you:"never ever think another thought about it". That's to much to ask. I think that perhaps I could possibly curtail my crossdressing to some extent if I really had to but I know that couldn't ever completely stop.

Yes, there ARE women out there who can tolerate and accept a crossdressing boyfriend or husband, but I think there are fewer than we would like to think. And the number of women who actively enjoy and encourage their partner's crossdressing is even smaller. How many women ACTIVELY seek a relationship with a crossdresser and who would break off a relationship with a man because he ISN'T a crossdresser?

Well, my wife Marla GG is one of them. She looked to date a cder before she met me and her last boyfriend was also a cder too. She has told me many times that she could never be with a "regular guy". She's attracted to feminine men, both in looks and attitude, and loves to see me all dressed up because she thinks it's fun and she also happens to think that I look cute. There are actually quite a few GGs here on this very forum that really do like cding. I have actually met some of them in person and I can vouch that these women do really like it.......but I take your point, perhaps they are the minority when it comes to GGs at large.

[dods460]

I don't find that it is actually an addition for myself. You also must remember that everyone does it for different reasons. I like to look nice and I enjoy the way I feel when I'm all dolled up, I don't consider it an addition due to the fact that I don't do it all the time. It's just like wearing nice drab clothing, I simply don't think I look all that good in drab dress clothes.

[Lissa Stevens]

My only point is just because some people say it's not normal doesn'r mean there is anything wrong with it. Normal is subjective. What is normal to me may be outrageous to you. It still does NOT make it wrong, only different.

[Melissaa]

I disagree with the addiction theory. That is like saying that being gay or lesbian is an addiction, or even saying it is a choice, or a "sexual perversion" (to quote my ex-wife).
We start dressing at an age before we are aware of our sexuality. We just feel right. I don't see where I made a choice about how I feel. I just know that living that part of my life that I live as Melissa is right. I'm comfortable there, I like myself there, I like the world I see from there. I have a couple of days every week that I can give to being that woman, and I relish the time, I spend the entire day there, I run all my errands, do the shopping, go to the mall, the grocery, the post office, my insurance agent, even my doctor. The people I see deal with me as the woman I project. I get better service in Home Depot. The car dealer's service guy lies to me. They all treat me like a woman. I've learned so much about the differences between how men and women are regarded in the world, it has been truly eye-opening. I'm still Dad to my teen-age children, with the patience and fashion sense to shop with my 16 year old daughter, and the skills to help my 13 year old son build something or fix his bike. "Best of both worlds" is the way I see it, and that view helps me keep focused on getting the most from every day.

[kerrianna]

So what is the truth about crossdressing?

--Robyn

Who says there is one?

[Bernadina]

I'm sorry to hear about your experience Robyn. I was fortunate enough to meet the lady who is now my wife about a year after my first wife passed.

I told her about my crossdressing soon after and she was very accepting and still is after 3 years of marriage.

There are women out there that will accept you for who you are. Its just going to take some time, early communication and honesty. However, she must always come first and be treated with all the love an respect you can muster forever.

[Miss Terr]

I think alot of the opposing parties are missing the boat.
Ask her "If 100 years ago if women wore pants it was scandalous, but now is accepted today"
Was it wrong then? but ok now? or was it always and still wrong?
Ask her "In parts of Africa and South america if a woman wears pants it is looked down upon." "Are they right?"
Why is it good for the goose, but not the gander?
Make her think of how females were repressed and now have freedom--but we must stop the" addiction" of dresssing how we like.
IMO you can be addicted to alot of things, and if this was to be an addiction is alot less destructive than drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, work, etc etc.
I really dont think she will change her mind, but at least make her face her demon of intolerance and controling behavior.
Good luck.
PS there are women out there that exclusivley seek CD/TVs; they are rare but isnt a valuable treasure rare too?

[Kristi1948]

I am addicted to 2 things. Sad to say one of them is smoking, the other is caffein. I have tried to quit smoking and get physically ill. If I try to go without my coffee I wind up with a headache. My crossdressing started at age 8, I am now 58. There was a time in my life when I would/could not go a day without dressing to some extent. Now I dress usually twice a week. I used to go all the way (make-up) and everything. Last year I spent 3 days totally enfemme and have not had the desire to go all the way since. So for me dressing is not an addiction, if it was the need would still be there or so it seems to me

[lowlavalentine]

First Robyn, let me say that I'm sorry to hear about your trials and tribulations in the dating pool. It's hard for us special women to choose the right bathing suit.

I don't really consider xdressing an addiction although some of the behaviors that surround dressing can assume addictive proportions. I consider it a personality attribute that contradicts social norms. I agree that it is very unusual to find a biowoman that REALLY likes cds, but they do exist, I've met several. My wife doesn't fall into that catagory, and although we have been married for a long time my dressing has stressed the relatiionship, at times close to the point of breaking.

We all continue to search for the truth about xdressing. I don't expect enlightenment any time soon.

[Melinda G]

For most of us, crossdressing is a sexual thing, and as such, represents a threat to women, who want a man to be totally dependent on them for sexual satisfaction. Also, most people fear, what they don't understand. I think I can safely say, for most of us, crossdressing is a lifelong thing. Once your in, your in for life. Which isn't such a bad thing. Once you recognize that, and accept it, and run with it, you'll be OK. Stop agonizing over it, and just enjoy it. Besides, what's "normal".