Why am I so afraid?

[Jill]

This morning I got up to an empty apartment, as expected. I am a college student and my room mates were off to school and work so naturally, I take this opportunity to dress up and snap a few pictures. With the door locked and bolted, I was standing in the kitchen area preparing my digital cam when one of my room mates came home. I had plenty of time to duck into my room because it took him awhile too get his keys out and get through both the lock and the bolt. I am safe in my room and everything is fine but I am shaking like a leaf. For some reason, I am deathly afriad of being caught! I really don't know why, it's kind of a big deal for your room mate to walk in to find you in drag right? I kind of feel like I am blowing this out of porportion. I was caught once when I was 17. My sister came home to see my run up the stairs in her dress. She kind of freaked out, but I have always been terrified of being caught. I was hoping some of you could give me some insight on this.

[~Tammy~]

I think its mainly fear of what everyone else will think/say/do.
We think that we would be rejected by our friends, made a laughing stock of.
That we would be cast aside and frowned upon.

The thing is though, how do we know these friends don't do the same thing in their own room?
We have seen how common dressing up is, at least on a small scale, such as just wearing knickers.

[lizzy b]

I was curious as to what was the aftermath with your sister after she "freaked out" having seen you in her dress. I'm sure that must have had an impact on your feelings. My situation is/has been a bit different than yours as I have lived alone for quite some time, but I do remember vividly that when I did live with roommates in college that there were times I purposely "pushed the envelope" in the sense that I was dressed at times when I knew a roommate would be on the verge of arriving home. I think that was part of the process...there is a fine line between wanting to dress and keeping it a secret, and wanting to acknowledge it and letting others know. But let us know how it went with your sister, if you feel you can. Lizzy

[heather gail]

Hi Jill...I was also curious as to your sister's reaction and whether it was discussed, ignored, or whatever? I live with that fear all the time as I only dress when I'm alone and sometimes am concerned that my wife or children will come home and I won't have enough time to change/hide or do something about it. I haven't been caught thus far and don't plan on it happening, but one never knows. It is extremely difficult to live this way and each time I dress I wish there was some way, some mechanism to share this with my wife, but I haven't yet figured out a way to do that.

[Julie]

Jill,

I've been there too and my heart was pounding reliving that experience. The old saying "We have nothing to fear but fear itself" rings true here. But I know that in your situation you can see getting caught turning into you becoming laughingstock of the campus. Your roommate tells two people and they each tell two people..... Yeah, that's scary!

You do have an advantage over the more "seasoned" of us in that there's a much more open view of transgender issues now than there was when I was in college (early 70's). Hopefully you'll find some way to share that with someone on campus that would be understanding. Maybe in time you can become the pioneer that formed the TG group that will bring others out and allow them the freedom we all want so badly. I know the school my daughter goes to is very active in promoting educating others about alternate lifestyles. There might be someone on campus that would be sympathetic to our cause.

Hope you've calmed down by now!

Julie

[Jill]

Ok, here's what happened with my sister. I was home alone, and I was wearing navy pantyhose with this cute little dress of hers. I thought everything was cool when I heard someone coming in, I panicked, ran through the front room to get up the stairs as she yelled after me: "What are you doing in my dress?!?!" Well I avoided her like the plague for the next week or so. In that time period she did approach me and ask me in a non-threatening way if there was something that I wanted to talk about. I just shook my head and avoided eye contact. I think at that point, she was trying to be understanding and offer support. But I was too embarrassed, I didn't even want to admit that the incident had happened even though it very well did. But I think that is the essence of the fear for me, embarrasment. I don't know why, I just think it would be very embarrasing. A lot of people see me as a real guys guy, a manly man. I watch sports, I lift weights, I listen to rowdy music. It's just embarrasing to me I guess. That's bad, I know, I should not be ashamed of who I am. But nobody is perfect I guess.

[eleventhdr]

You are very lucky to have a sister I sure wish i did I never have had one just brothers so I never could dress until i got to be osme of the time alone to do this I wish I had been the girl in my family!.

[heather gail]

Jill...it seems to me that you have a very understanding sister and perhaps you should avail yourself of the oppor. to talk with her and explain what happened and see how she responds. You may very well end up talking with her in some greater length about who you are as it appears to me that this is eating you up in some way. I'm in my late 40s and have lived with this my entire life and yes, I played three sports in HS, in college, and have lived an otherwise "normal" masculine life. But I have learned through the years that society's definition of masculinity had begun to gradually change and that rather than feel embarrassed by our lifestyle or interests, we should be able to embrace it within the context of our daily lives. Of course, that also means we need to handle each situation as it develops, i.e. with family in particular, but that also means that you should talk with your sister who evidently must have lots of questions and concerns. I didn't catch it...is she older than you? Do you get along with her? It's best to talk this out now than have it wear upon you. HG

[Georgina Milnes]

Hi Jill l too am afraid of being caught,however the more l dress[l love it ]the more l want to move to the next stage,at the moment l have got up enough nerve to stand at the front gate,looking as if l am waiting for a taxi.l must say the time of day is dusk.gradually l will do it in daylight.lts almost as if l want to be seen,and the urge to do this and become more daring gets stronger.So far Jill no one has taken notice ,thankgoodness,its such a great feeling.We are all at different stages,and l can hardly wait for the day l can walk into a shop and shop as if l were a woman,so good luck sweetheart,love ,huggs and kises Georgina,xxxxoooo

[Summer]

Jill,
All I can say, I'm so very sorry this happens to you. I know how it makes you feel inside. It tears you apart. You've got the greatest legs going hon.
Don't stay blue too long.
Love ya
Summer

[KellyCD_Girl]

The first time I was caught I was like 13. Like you it was by my sister. I ran to my room and she followed. She seemed mad and I was scared to death. She was like 17 then and could beat the **** out of me. She started pounding down my door. I knew she wouldn't stop til I let her in so I removed all her clothes and stuffed them in the closet before I let her in. When I opened the door she just looked at me then gave me a big hug. She said it's okay I want to help.

I finally calmed down and she told me she already knew and that she acted like she did cuz she knew I'd never open the door otherwise. I've always been a skinny short guy and have been mocked about that all my life. My sister told me I could turn that around to my advantage.Then she started showing me how to dress like a girl. The first time I didn't even recognize myself. It took a lot of convincing before I first stepped out the door of our house. I was more scared then than when my sister caught me but she just kept pushing me farther and farther until I finally wasnt so scared. She also told me she had always seen me as her sister but didnt want to do anything that would make me want to be a girl unless thats what I really wanted.

The first time time I went to the mall with her I saw some guys from my school. They were checking me out and my sis was loving it. She said I told you. You own those guys. I mean I didn't want to be with them but I liked the feeling of power she said I had over them. It was so much better than hiding from them. The first time I saw one of my best friends on the street he said hi to my sis and just looked at me. I told him later but he said then he had no idea then.

I have since let my hair grow and live almost full time female. My sis and I have a place with one of her friends who is really cool about it. The only time I am in boys clothes is when we have a family get together. I dont think my dad wants to admit it but I know he knows.

I don't have a girlfriend yet but there is one girl at work I just told who seems really cool about it and shes really a babe. Im hoping it works out. Well thats my story so far. I'm only 18 as my sis says and still have a lot ahead of me (her words). Sorry this was so long.

Oh and my sister just told me to stop apologizing and she was the one who found this website and made me a member. Shes nuts but I still love her.

[ladonna bronson]

I dont' think that I have ever been caught while en femme by any one who knows me, except on one occasion. My femminine clothing has, however, been found by my wife, with disaastrous results. But that is another story. I have purposely exposed my feminine side while fully dressed to a former secretary and three former girl friends, all of whom accepted this side of me and actually helped me with dressing and makeup. On occasion I would dress and make out with one of them.One time, however, I came back to her place after an evening of bar hopping. I was a little tipsy so she suggested I go to bed to sleep it off. I went to her bedroom, where I had been using one of her closets, and went to sleep. Unbeknownst to me, her aprents came over to visit. Her father came upstairs and saw me, still fully made up asleep in her bed. I woke up and was mortified. I moved all my things out the next day. I have never discussed this with her since that date.

[Julie York]

[QUOTE=Jill] For some reason, I am deathly afriad of being caught! [QUOTE]

You're scared because you are vulnerable to....abuse, ridicule, whatever., if you are caught.

If you ever find yourself in a position of NOT being vulnerable....that means being discovered won't wreck your life (because you aren't vulnerable any more!) so you won't be afraid anymore....then you will do whatever you like and to hell with the consequences. Because...you aren't vulnerable...etc etc.



It does make sense.....really . Read it again.
.

[Priscilla1018]

Jill,

I too am a manly man, I'm retired and very much into body building. I have no idea what I would look like fully dressed; pretty weird, huge arms and legs, enormous shoulders. I too have a fear of people finding out, on this forum we can talk out these things. Remember that fear likes the dark,it thrives on it. by opening up to others we can drive fear away.

Love and Hugs,
Priscilla

[sherri]

For some reason, I am deathly afriad of being caught! I really don't know why,

If you think about it, you probably do know why. Could be lots of reasons, very practical reasons, valid reasons.

it's kind of a big deal for your room mate to walk in to find you in drag right?

It sure could be. Depends on how close y'all are, his attitude and how comfortable you are or are not with other people knowing. He could be totally cool about it, or he could freak — really freak.

I kind of feel like I am blowing this out of porportion.

Only if you consciously or subconsciously are prepared for other people to know. If not, proceed with caution. If this is something you would like to face up to and gain some personal freedom for, there are probably subtle ways you can feel him out on the subject without tipping your hand.

[sherri]

Jill,

I too am a manly man, I'm retired and very much into body building. I have no idea what I would look like fully dressed; pretty weird, huge arms and legs, enormous shoulders. I too have a fear of people finding out, on this forum we can talk out these things. Remember that fear likes the dark,it thrives on it. by opening up to others we can drive fear away.

Love and Hugs,
Priscilla

Wearing whatever you want in private is perfectly viable, but to be honest, if you're a hulk, you probably are going to look a little odd to other people if you go for the complete look. I'm not saying you shouldn't, just trying to be realistic. But may I suggest an alternative?

In my humble opinion, full feminization is only one way to express this side of yourself. There is the option of what Pristine Ann Gee has referred to as "the importance of not passing", and the goal of developing a look that I refer to as "a pretty human". It is possible to make the most of your physical assets while utilizing elements of feminine style to break out of stereotypes.

I'm just brainstorming here, but what if you tried:

• some sexy panties under a cute skirt or shorts that really shows off your well developed (and smoothly shaved) legs, trim waist and cute butt
• a unisex top that just screams style and beautiful sexy tan muscles
• some stylishly understated women's sandals
• just a touch of a soft shade of lipstick and blush, maybe play with the eyes a little bit
• a good manicure and clearcoat or some salon nails
• forget the wig and go for a killer haircut
• a pierced ear(s) and small hoop earrings
• an ankle bracelet

What do you think?

[Wendy me]

Ok, here's what happened with my sister. I was home alone, and I was wearing navy pantyhose with this cute little dress of hers. I thought everything was cool when I heard someone coming in, I panicked, ran through the front room to get up the stairs as she yelled after me: "What are you doing in my dress?!?!" Well I avoided her like the plague for the next week or so. In that time period she did approach me and ask me in a non-threatening way if there was something that I wanted to talk about. I just shook my head and avoided eye contact. I think at that point, she was trying to be understanding and offer support. But I was too embarrassed, I didn't even want to admit that the incident had happened even though it very well did. But I think that is the essence of the fear for me, embarrasment. I don't know why, I just think it would be very embarrasing. A lot of people see me as a real guys guy, a manly man. I watch sports, I lift weights, I listen to rowdy music. It's just embarrasing to me I guess. That's bad, I know, I should not be ashamed of who I am. But nobody is perfect I guess.

girlfreind my"guy" is a biker road hard core not in pantys image a not so fem
type ...........you don't need to be a type to cd ..........just enjoy it

[Maddie Knight]

I have had a few near miss's and you always get that adrenaline rush, its great isn't it.

[Lindahexi]

Being scared of getting caught while dressed is the most natural of emotions for most of us, so getting caught sends thoughts of ridicule and rejection to the brain, the thing is though that some people actually want to get caught, it's part of the buzz.

Me? well until very recently I think I would have died if I'd been caught but now I'm a bit more positive and I reckon I'd get through it, however embarassing it might be.

Hugs,

Linda.

[Vickie-CD]

Fear is a natural human emotion, something we all experiance from time to time in this journey of life. Fear can keep us safe, and it can also be harmful if blown out of proportion. Everyone needs there comfort zone.
Love,
Vickie

[Vallari]

I live in a college apartment as well and havn't even bothered CD'ing here in this town - just in Austin. I'm pretty sure I know how my roommate would act as we do not get along. We are polar opposites and I'm pretty sure we think of each other in equally negative ways. The fact that we don't even bother to talk to one another probably doesn't help either. Anyways it would be nice to be able to dress up here, but for safety reasons I don't.

[kirsti]

Thought id share in the getting caught scene,when I was 11 I had put on a pair of silky panties belonging to my sister,a green apple was silk screened on the buttox ,anyhow I was in the living room walking around and sitting on the sofa when it was just way too comfortable that I.......
I fell asleep,I awoke to the sound of laughter of my Dad,a military man in the air force.
I remember the sickening butterfly feeling in my stomach,in disgust .
He teased me about it for years and didnt mind embarrassing me in front of anyone,other kids friends etc.he even would make it a point to bring up the subject to my girlfriends.
This bothered me for years,then I realised one day his comments werent really all that offensive to me,perhapes because for the next 6 years I had to have the fear of him bringing it up,but it desensitised me of fear of being caught,At least I didnt have to worry about anyone finding out,
I then would just comment underwear is underwear,I wear them because their comfortable,and it makes me comfortable then so be it.
Later as I became an adult my girlfriend had a surgery the night before and I had been up for a very long while unable to sleep after 3 days at the hospital I went home,I slept for 20hrs straight,being worried she called her mother to check on me to make sure I was okay,of course when I had gotten home from the hospital,I showered and then dressed fully in female clothing,and feel asleep,her mother obtaining her daughters spare key could not get me to open the door let herself in knocking on my bedroom door I looked up and saw her mothers head looking in the doorway.
She never confronted me about it,I do hope that she knew it was me,as I wouldnt want her to think another women was in the bed with me,while her daughter was in the hospital.
As for your situation it is indeed very differant as young adults can make you very humiliated with your other peers,caution must be taken,as in College students come from all parts of the country,and some areas people treat others differantly,some think its pretty cool,while others may be a risk to your health if your discovered,but also think of it this way you cannot be the only person on your campus that shares your passions.
It would be great if you could find out other like minded individuals and perhapes switch rooms,wouldnt that be great?

[Darby]

Hi Jill...I was also curious as to your sister's reaction and whether it was discussed, ignored, or whatever? I live with that fear all the time as I only dress when I'm alone and sometimes am concerned that my wife or children will come home and I won't have enough time to change/hide or do something about it. I haven't been caught thus far and don't plan on it happening, but one never knows. It is extremely difficult to live this way and each time I dress I wish there was some way, some mechanism to share this with my wife, but I haven't yet figured out a way to do that.

Hi girls,
The insane fear of getting caught usually is from a "traumatic" situation that has already happened... getting caught and humiliated like has happened to alot of us. Fear of ridicule, to name one, is very powerful.
My wife found some of my stuff this past fall. I thought I was on my way to divorce court. I had a fantastic friend, Maddy, who helped me get over this. My wife wanted me to purge but I didn't... I seperated my stuff... the stuff I could get along without but everything subsided.
The reason I'm saying this is because my wife asked me "..why couldn't you just tell me? I don't like it but at least you would have been honest..."
Find a way to tell her! I have been married for 10 years and it could've ended there! My wife relaxed (after several weeks) but it puts a cloud over things! I know she doesn't like it but she knows it is a part of me. When she asked me again... why couldn't I tell her??? I say, sweetheart, how was I supposed to bring up the subject? Just come right out and say "Honey, I like getting dressed up after shaving my legs, in pantyhose and a wig..." To tell you all the truth, she didn't ever give me an answer!!!
Well, enough of my rambling.
Hugs,
Darby

[Chrissycd]

Sometimes, I get so involved trying to understand myself that I forget the obvious: other girls are struggling with the EXACT same emotions all around me. Knowing this gives me comfort. It makes me stronger. Thank you, girls!
I too was "caught" once. And only once. By my mom!
Being caught shamed me and caused me to withdraw further into myself, to become afraid of sharing my true feelings with others, simply put, to deny myself from living my own life. I endured this mentality for many years until I couldn't stand myself anymore.
I have since chosen to allow myself to be FREE. I REFUSE TO BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN MY TRUE SELF NOW!!!!!!!!! This means major changes, but it is far overdue. This is my year to blossom.
Jill, I wish you well, dear. Your day will come, and when it does, you will feel overwhelming relief.
Hugs,
Chrissy

[crispy]

Jill,

I too am a manly man, I'm retired and very much into body building. I have no idea what I would look like fully dressed; pretty weird, huge arms and legs, enormous shoulders. I too have a fear of people finding out, on this forum we can talk out these things. Remember that fear likes the dark,it thrives on it. by opening up to others we can drive fear away.

Love and Hugs,
Priscilla

so true.

thankyou CdF and all you lot out there in the ether somewhere for taking our fears away. . love you all. ........................... well, most of you anyway