Throughout my continuing struggle over my gender identity, I keep coming back to the conclusion that I am "bigendered" - having distinct and separate male and female personae. Although I feel much happier, more genuine, and more productive in my female persona, I still can feel okay as a man - as long as I accept and do not try to suppress my feminine side. Furthermore, maintaining my male identity has distinct economic, professional, and social advantages. However, whenever I try to expunge Maggie from my life, I end up feeling depressed, suicidal, and unable to function on any meaningful level.
Ideally I would like to spend roughly half my time as Maggie and the other half in the male identity in which I have become known. Since I am now separated from my wife and I am able to pass reasonably well, I have been doing most of my shopping and other errands as Maggie.
Although it is not my usual denomination, I even attended a large Presbyterian church near my apartment as a very respectable, elderly woman. I was warmly welcomed by everyone I encountered, had extensive conversations with several members during the coffee hour, and was enthusiastically urged me to come back. As far as I could tell, no one suspected that I wasn't a real woman. Here is a picture I took after returning from church.
I am wrestling with the question of whether I should get involved with the church without letting them know that I am actually transgender.
Other alternatives would be to come out as bigendered to the Unitarian church I actually belong, or to help out en femme in other organizations in which I have been involved.
Have any of you had the experience in trying to live an openly bigendered lifestye - openly living as a man part of the time and openly presenting yourself as a woman for much of the other time? I would be interested in knowing how it worked out and what kinds of problems you encountered.
Thanks.
Maggie