Feb 21 - That Fateful Day...

[melissacd]

Well my wife and I have been through numerous relationship counselling sessions over the past few months with one of the better counsellors that I have dealt with and yesterday, after much discussion, she announced at 6PM that our relationship was over and that there was nothing further to discuss. She said that cross dressing is just something that she cannot get past, that no amount of anything will change her mind about it, that she cannot change how she feels and that she wants to end the marriage.

She wants to stay together as friends in the house for a while to get things sorted out and may want to stay in that state until her mother passes on and our kids are in their own (could take another 4 - 5 years) but just as room mates - the romantic marital relationship is done.

When she announced this I was stunned. I wanted to throw up. I could not believe what I was hearing and yet there seemed nothing further that could be said. She seems to be totally immutable on this issue. She even told me that it was okay for me to start seeking other relationships and intimacy elsewhere.

It saddens me that she just won't try and understand and has just decided that there is nothing further that she is prepared to do. She wants to start working out how we will wind down all of our joint affairs when the time comes. I am in a state of shock and don't quite know what to do, but I can certainly see that she is as resolute now as she was when she first found out 10 years ago.

It is a very sad sad day. The end of 25 years together.

Oh and contrary to what others have said - sometimes it is the cross dressing that breaks up a marriage.


Melissa

[susie evans]

you have my heart felt sympathy i wish you the best

susie

[Billijo49504]

Sorry to hear that things are going so bad for you....BJ

[Deborah]

Feb 21st would have been my 13th anniversary with my now ex.
Yes that day holds sad memories for me.

[TexasLynn]

Thank you for sharing this. about 30 years ago my wife gave an ultimatum which included crossdressing. I have been a "good boy" since then ... until lately. I am coming out of the closet, realizing that this will probably end the marriage, once she finds out. But I have let the woman in me out. The years of lies to myself have created as much poison as any crossdressing would have, as regards the marriage.

To my sisters, there are those that will honor your life ... they just may not be the people you are with. For those of you who are going through that now, I am sorry for your grief.

[Alicia_lynn419]

You have my sympathy. I am nearly 2 years now without my wife, and though she would not admit it, the crossdressing played a very big part in the demise of our marriage. I felt so helpless.. if I could change I would, but I knew I was/am who i was/am... There is no pain like what you feel now, i can only offer assurance that time heals, and faith will provide...

Chin up girl, as one door closes, another will open....

[Stephenie S]

Dear Melissa,

It sounds to me like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. End the marriage but stay in the house with all the percs of marriage without any responsibility to work on the relationship? That's a pretty one sided situation. She would be out on her a*s, "toot sweet" if I had anything to do with it.

Please take any and all steps needed to protect yourself. She may pick you clean before you know what hit you. Find a trusted friend (perhaps your father) and start salting away some of your assets beyond her reach. This could turn messy.

Stephenie

[RobertaFermina]

OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

Keep telling us how it is, dear...Don't have any solutions and FEEL for you so badly.

Oh My!

Roberta

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Mellisa

Sorry to hear of the break up of your marriage

Best of luck for the future

[amanda barber]

Dear Melissa,

It sounds to me like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. End the marriage but stay in the house with all the percs of marriage without any responsibility to work on the relationship? That's a pretty one sided situation. She would be out on her a*s, "toot sweet" if I had anything to do with it.


Stephenie

My thoughts exactly. It was so nice of her to tell you that you have a roommate. If she wants to leave your life, fine thats her choice, but don't let her run your life after leaving. You deserve better than that.

[marie354]

Well it's time to drop the other shoe... Dust off that little black book that you've been saving somewhere and call up a couple of old flames and act like you got a date. See how she reacts then. If she gets mad and says she'll "out you" to her, then she still cares and you should be patient and wait a little while for her to cool off.

[melissacd]

All,

I appreciate the support and feedback from all of you. I debated with myself as to whether or not to post this event in my life and then I realized that I needed to do this for the following reasons:

- because sharing helps me to feel less alone in this process
- because there are so many confused thoughts going through my head right now and it is good to get feedback from others to do a sanity check on what is happening and what she is asking of me
- to learn from the experiences of others so that I know what challenges I face, what obstacles I need to navigate around

Perhaps the most important aspect of doing this is that it is cathartic, it helps me deal with my grief over this. There is a sense of suspended dis-belief, the rational part of me knows this is happening, but the emotional side of me is still in shock. By talking this through I start to come to terms with the reality of this situation and start to work out a plan to get from today to tomorrow.

Again, thanks for all of your support.

Huggs
Melissa

[TxKimberly]

Wow Melisa,

I'm sorry to hear things turned out so poorly.
Hugs,
Kim

[Sheila]

jess

[Anniesays]

So sorry to hear this. As others have said, protect yourself, find a good sympathetic lawyer (very important!) and most of all, keep your head high and keep your strength. There is life after, and it is true, that when one door closes, another opens.

Hugs,

Annie - who just went through this 3 years ago.

[Carroll]

though this is a blow to you, and you will heal, (been there done that twice), take comfort in knowing that she still would like to remain friends and would like to settle and joint property with you over a time period. I was slam-dunked twice and was left holding all the bills and filing bankrutcy twice. I have a feeling that your dressing was only a part of the issue. Perhaps you two will get along better as friends, or maybe not. Go with the flow and keep your cool about it. Its a rough road, but one that all too many of us have travelled....once or twice

[GinaVegas]

Melissa, I'm so sorry to hear about the end of your marriage especially after so many years!

But, it sounds like though she is trying to forego a big hassle with attorneys and such with the divorce by taking the time to sort things out.

Anyway, I wish you luck in dealing with this.....and you know that you have our support!

[ubokvt]

It always hurts when I see a relationship come to this. You have my deepest sympathy and support. It is hard , it hurts, the loss of dreams, the sense that in some way you failed, but know you didn't and you have friends here who care and support you. Still Stephenie S. has some points to consider don't let your pain blind you to takeing care of yourself and your children. Yes you have to morn the loss, but still act and prepare for tomorow. Please stay in touch with us it will help. You are important to us.

[marie354]

I am sooo sorry for you. I know that you feel at the bottom of a whole pile of hurt right now. I've been there! With my first wife it was just an excuse.
I truely hope that she will think it over a bit more.
Get her some chocolates to help her think. Chocolates have a calming effect sometimes.

[Roberta Lynn]

I'm sorry to hear your wife's decided to end your marriage
maybe this is just a storm and in time she will change her mind, maybe not.
Either way, like the others have said , hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

[melissacd]

I appreciate all of your support. I had hoped for a better ending but I could see from how the counselling was progressing that she was unwilling to work through this.

She said that I would never convince her to be a part of this. I told her I already accepted that and that it was something I would always do on my own. She and the counsellor said that cross dressing is something that cannot be treated like a hobby. The counsellor stated that to many women cross dressing has a much deeper and more negative significance. She said that it takes a very strong woman to deal with something like this, that some women cannot make that leap.

When my wife made this declaration, the thing that struck me most was how matter-of-fact she said, in response to my request to continue to work through this, ... "you just don't get it, being a cross dresser makes you so unattractive to me, you are such a turn off". She cannot get this negative image out of her head - EVEN THOUGH - she has never seen me (or a picture of me) dressed. Her biases against cross dressing are so strong that she won't even try. The is what hurts. To her it is a deal breaker.

At this point the counsellor started talking to me about how I need to move into a new phase of this counselling process to deal with my son and his needs. She said that I should put my cross dressing needs aside for a while....hmmmm.

In any event, she wants to maintain the house and the marital facade until her 81 year old mother passes, as she feels that it would be too hard on her. She wants to tell my son but not until the summer as she feels it would affect his school performance for this year. I have a lot to process. I want to do my best to take the high road and work through the separation peacefully, take care of the interests and needs of my children, protect my interests and get on with my life.

I am not sure how long she and I can maintain this - facade state - she suggests that we should do it until my son is on his own (she figures at least 5 years) though I am not sure if I can put my life on hold for that long. I said to her in counselling that I have spent 10 years trying to reach a resolution on this issue and I am not sure that I am prepared to wait another 5 years to get on with my life.

We will see how this unfolds.

Melissa

[Shadeauxmarie]

My thoughts are with you. Since I have never been in your situation, but certainly could in the future, I have no comforting advice to offer. I'm saddened by this.

[Sophia Rearen]

"you just don't get it, being a cross dresser makes you so unattractive to me, you are such a turn off
Melissa

Get your club and grab her hair and drag her a** out the door. Maybe then she'll be turned on? Is this what she is looking for in a man?
Has she considered your qualities as a person, that are obviously affected by being tg, which has made this relationship last so long? Or, is it really about the image about you being dressed? If so, then that is incredibly shallow of her.

[Stephenie S]

I appreciate all of your support. I had hoped for a better ending but I could see from how the counselling was progressing that she was unwilling to work through this.

She said that I would never convince her to be a part of this. I told her I already accepted that and that it was something I would always do on my own. She and the counsellor said that cross dressing is something that cannot be treated like a hobby. The counsellor stated that to many women cross dressing has a much deeper and more negative significance. She said that it takes a very strong woman to deal with something like this, that some women cannot make that leap.

When my wife made this declaration, the thing that struck me most was how matter-of-fact she said, in response to my request to continue to work through this, ... "you just don't get it, being a cross dresser makes you so unattractive to me, you are such a turn off". She cannot get this negative image out of her head - EVEN THOUGH - she has never seen me (or a picture of me) dressed. Her biases against cross dressing are so strong that she won't even try. The is what hurts. To her it is a deal breaker.

At this point the counsellor started talking to me about how I need to move into a new phase of this counselling process to deal with my son and his needs. She said that I should put my cross dressing needs aside for a while....hmmmm.

In any event, she wants to maintain the house and the marital facade until her 81 year old mother passes, as she feels that it would be too hard on her. She wants to tell my son but not until the summer as she feels it would affect his school performance for this year. I have a lot to process. I want to do my best to take the high road and work through the separation peacefully, take care of the interests and needs of my children, protect my interests and get on with my life.

I am not sure how long she and I can maintain this - facade state - she suggests that we should do it until my son is on his own (she figures at least 5 years) though I am not sure if I can put my life on hold for that long. I said to her in counselling that I have spent 10 years trying to reach a resolution on this issue and I am not sure that I am prepared to wait another 5 years to get on with my life.

We will see how this unfolds.

Melissa

Dear Melissa,

I will say this again. The above relationship benefits only your wife. You are left out in the cold and paying for it. Why? I know you want to act the "good" person that you are, but this is just too much. I am sure it seems reasonable to her because she feels that you are the one in the wrong. But, sweetie, your are NOT the one in the wrong. You are the one who wants to keep working on this marriage. You are the one who wants to make it all work. Please don't accept the short end of the stick (gee, I don't see that you get any of the stick at all) in this breakup. You are NOT the one at fault. Formulate a fair settlement, perhaps with the help of a trusted lawyer, and insist upon it. Don't try and pretend to be married just for your ex-wife's (and that's what she wants to be) convenience for the next 5-10 years. What's next? Will you be treated to making breakfast for her and her boyfriend who just slept in YOUR bed?

Protect yourself. Don't be a martyr. You will get no points for this in the end. Don't wake up in 10 - 20 years and say, "Boy I wish I had taken better care of ME".

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Holly]

Melissa, words fail to express my sorrow for you and the situation you find yourself in. IMO, your wife's requests to maintain appearances is unreasonable. She is the one who initiated the demise of the relationship and she should be prepared to deal with the fallout just as you must. Perhaps she should have thought about how her 81 year old mother and her son would be impacted by her actions before she started down this road. She doesn't love and respect you but she still wants you to take care of her? How fair is that?