Feb 21 - That Fateful Day...

[Stephenie S]

Absolutely!

Don't move out of your house. It's your house. You can share it as long as she is willing to work (seriously) on the relationship. There are many compromises that you could make to stay together, but DON'T, DON'T, DON'T let her walk all over you just because you want to be Mr. "nice guy".

It sounds to me that there is no saving this relationship. I have been there myself and in retrospect I wish I had been more protective of myself. Take CONTROL of this situation. For your own wellbeing. Who knows, maybe a display of masculinity will change her mind.

Lovies,
Steph

[melissacd]

Once again, thanks for all of the support and all of the kind words.

I am pondering this whole thing carefully and I have gone way past guilt and shame about all of this. Each day I am processing the pain and emotion and bit by bit it gets easier.

She and I converse more and she is beginning to understand that it is unreasonable for her to expect me to stay for any length of time. She is in fact becoming supportive in the sense that she says that while she cannot accept having a mate who is a cross dresser, she can understand my need to be that way, that it is a part of who I am. I guess at least that is a step in the right direction. She said that she wants to end this fairly, equitably and peacefully and so we have started some discussions on how to make that happen over the course of the next 12 months or less. Rightly, she insists on determining how to do this in a way that protects our children and I am totally in agreement on that, so we have to think this through carefully.

This morning we had a chat. Last night I went to a support group and she was interested in how it went. I said that the most important point that I feel that I made to the group is that while I understand and accept her feelings of hurt, anger and betrayal, I am very disappointed that she did not at least try to walk a little distance with this and try to understand. I said that in all of this that is the part that hurts me the most.

We talked a great deal about how as I connect more with my femme side that I am able to feel more, emote more, empathize more, be more human and less intellectual and that overall it has improved how I feel about myself and how Ideal with the world. She said that she could not understand why I hid it all this time and why I could not be more expressive until now - I said - bingo - you can't understand because you haven't tried.

She said that she did understand cross dressing because she had seen Transamerica, The Crying Game, Prescilla - I just said, none of those movies are about the form of cross dressing that I do, they are about gays or transexuals - I said to her that you really don't understand - then - she - shocked me -

...she said that the other movie, the cheesy movie that I told her about, the one that while cheesy is probably the best most accurate portrayal of cross dressing - "Just Like A Woman" - she said, she would like to watch it.

Holy Shit! ... at the end, when I have conceded that the relationship is over, when I have decided to start the process of separating, when we are starting to have the most adult conversation we have had in a decade...now she wants to look at the things that I have collected for her!

The sad news in all of this is that - while I don't expect that it will change her mind on anything - if she did and decided that she did want to work through this together, I have gone through and processed so much pain and anger that I am not sure that I would want to.

She was the one who a few weeks ago decided that she wanted out and that no amount of anything would change that - then she does this!

I confess that I will never understand her.

Huggs
Melissa

[Satrana]

Melissa

I don't know if you want to hear this - but now that the two of you have resolved to end the relationship, a weight has been lifted off you both and you are freer now to openly and honestly communicate and express your emotions like never before.

If you keep having deep emotional talks, you are quite likely to move emotionally close together again and she might realize she has made a big mistake, that she will never find another man like you who she could connect with on this level. I had a similar situation with an ex-girlfriend, who broke up with me then we had many deep emotional conversations afterwards which resulted in her pleading with me to take her back, but I had already moved on.

Of course in your case, even if she wants to rekindle the relationship, she would have to resolve her deep rooted intolerance of crossdressing herself. That is her responsibility. The resolve must come from within.

Only you can answer if this is something you really want, or if it is time to move on regardless and find a lover who will accept the whole you.

After my experience with my ex-girlfriend, when I met my current wife I was able to communicate my emotions like I had never done before and we become lovers very quickly. Now that you feel freer to express your feminine side, you will likely find women will be impressed by your openness to emote which is rare among men. Just some food for thought.

[jayseedee]

Move on Melissa, move on. You risk serious damage to yourself trying to live in that environment. Go find yourself a rational woman, there are plenty of them out there. Good luck.

[Alice Torn]

I am not in any serious relationship, with any gg's, though there is one,I want. I have heard other men say, that after decades of marriage, they still don't understand, or really know their wives!! As I said earl;ier, there is an OLD movie, from the late 1940's or early 50's, called, GLEN OR GLENDA, about a crossdressing man. Bela Legosi, is in it. It is not a horror film, but, an early movie, that addressed cding, in a pretty non condemning way. I wish she could sit downm with you, and watch it, if it is available. I have seen it available, on the internet, e-bay, etc. There may still be hope, for your marriage, or may not be. It is worth a try. I know the pains of rejection, so well, as a 52 year old bachelor, who has lost so many loves, had not felt the pain, for years, until, last week, when I ran into a gg, that I find is the most beautiful lady, I have ever known. I danced with her a number of times, gave her my number, but, again, she won't give hers, or call me. I hope to write her a letter, make a picture card (non cd), and give it to her, at the next singles dance. Trouble is, a number of guys, go for her. Anyway, I can relate some, with you, and know, that we will never understand how gg's think. much, except, they usually are mostly emotiopn, and little logic. No wonder, the SERPENT IN THE GARDEN, in Genesis, went, to seduce, and deceive the woman, first! It is STILL HAPPENING. ROY MASTERS, an old sage, on late night radio, talks a lot about this. I hope you can get a copy of GLEN OR GLENDA, and your wife will watch it with you. Lucille

[Amiad]

Sorry to hear about the end of your marriage. Reconciliations can happen at any point if that is what you want.....that being said, I agree with a couple of the other replies. Go on the OFFENSIVE. My divorce cost me my son business, house, cars, my life savings, my credit, everything. When it was done I could not open a checking account. Fight for everything and give what is fair. The divorce laws of this country are not applied evenly and do not favor men.

Jim

[Mary Morgan]

Melissa, I too am saddened to hear of the difficulties in your relationship with your wife. I know that this is all very confusing to you both. About three years ago, I told my wife of my CD and we have been through most of the things you have mentioned. It didn't matter to her that CD/TG was in essence a real part of me. A lot of very hurtful things were said, culminating with her telling me that I had to stop or she was out the door. My response to her was that life is precious and short, that we were each entitled to be happy and that she should do whatever it was that made her happy, that I loved her and wanted to remain with her, but that I understood her difficulty with the situation and that I would do whatever I could to help her find her own happiness, but I would not stop being me, I would not stop dressing. I would be glad to meet in the middle, even go more than half way, but I would no longer deny me. I told her that if our relationship was worth saving, my CD should not be a threat to her. I went into counselling for a couple of months mostly to have a place to go and talk openly about my CD and our relationship. It helped me to solidify my feelings. We are together today. Our relationship is stronger than ever and we have found a comfort zone regarding my dressing. She would still wish it away, but then she would wish away alot of things over which neither of us have any control. I have no advise, just wanted you to know that you need to decide what you want and you need to be clear in that for your own sake. Gentle but firm. My thoughts are with you, Louise

[Sharon B.]

Melissa,
Been there before she may be sucking up to you to get information as to how long you have been crossdressing, likes and/or dislikes. So that she can use that against you in the divorce. Expose you to your employer, family and friends if she doesn't get what she or her lawyer wants in the pending divorce.
Hate to be real but life's a B*^#CH then sometimes we marry one and its there way or the highway.
Just my two cents worth.

PS
Took me a long time to come to an understanding as to who or what I am. Do I miss being around intimate with a woman yes I do, but I also enjoy dressing as one.

[melissacd]

We are into a new week and life continues to be interesting. My partner and I have decided for the moment not to make any major living arrangement changes, which is fine with me as I am still working through this. I am well into planning what needs to be done to untangle our lives and separate. Since the decision to separate, my partner (is it time to start calling her my ex???) is being really quite nice to me, true to her desire to continue to be good friends. I believe her sincerity that she still loves me and wants the parting to be easy, friendly and fair to both all. Now that she has no romantic connection it seems easier for her to be supportive of me and my lifestyle. I have been out a few times, sometimes quite late and she is totally fine with this and even asks me how it went, did I have a good time.

As to how long this state will last, it is hard to say, but at least it makes the process of creating a sensible separation plan easier. From an emotional standpoint I am sad at the end of a 25 year relationship, however, I am also accepting of this path. She and I have been going through this process for a decade so most of the emotional grieving and mourning is long over. I am hoping that this friendly state continues, I would still like to be her friend after we have physically separated. It will make dealing with our children's issues and family gatherings easier. Time will tell whether she and I are adult enough to keep things friendly.

The important thing to keep doing is moving forward. I feel hopeful about my future, something that has been absent for a long time. I will be able to create a life where I can be authentic to myself, my loved ones, my friends and any future romantic interests. I know that I will stumble as I go along, however, in the end it will be a more positive life affirming and personally self fulfilling journey.

Huggs
Melissa

[Sophia Rearen]

Melissa,
Maybe it's time to throw caution to the wind? Time to start dressing in front of her. Maybe she'll be ok with it? Maybe she'll grow accustomed to it? Maybe, you'll find out it's not all that you thought it would be? You have nothing to lose.

[melissacd]

Melissa,
Maybe it's time to throw caution to the wind? Time to start dressing in front of her. Maybe she'll be ok with it? Maybe she'll grow accustomed to it? Maybe, you'll find out it's not all that you thought it would be? You have nothing to lose.

Sophia,

If I did not have to contend with my son and my mother in law in the house I might consider doing that if nothing more than to show her how harmless this all is, however, if I did this with the risk of my son and mother in law possibly seeing me that way I am pretty sure she would totally freak out on me. I believe that I would lose any possible good will that she has at the moment. I feel that my best course of action is to do things in a way that maintains her good will so that the separation process can be as smooth as possible. She has already made it very clear to me that she does not want to see me that way in person or in picture.

Huggs
Melissa

[Melanie R]

Oh and contrary to what others have said - sometimes it is the cross dressing that breaks up a marriage.


Melissa[/QUOTE]

As a family and marriage therapist and TG person who has worked with hundreds of couples over the past 25 years, it is very rare that crossdressing is the main cause for a marriage ending. Yes, there are women who say that they will never accept the dressing but do beleive that the relationship is worth saving. Those that want to end the relationship and want no further discussion or understanding of what is really going on with the husband who is a crossdresser, in time that relationship will end. My first wife (now deceased) ended the marriage because I would not choose her over my dressing. 6 years after my second marriage to the most accepting wife in the world and 2 weeks before her sudden death she made this statement, "I gave up the love of my life because I wanted my knight in shining armour who did not wear a dress. I never found that person but know that I had that person in shining armour who just loved wearing a dress soemtime. I should never have given that ultimatum". It was too late for her. She died with a broken heart - of her own doing.

[melissacd]

Melanie,

I expressed this situation to my partner. I asked her to keep trying to work through this with me - she says that she won't. She says she does not want to stop me from being who I am and feel that the only resolution is to split because she cannot accept my dressing and I cannot stop being who I am.

I said there may come a time when she regrets this decision and at a point where it will be irreversible. I said that it would be a shame that she did not give it a chance now while there is still a possibility of turning things around. She stated emphatically that that won't happen. All I can do is accept her decision and the way that she feels.

Bit by bit, day by day I am getting more comfortable with her choice and I am starting to develop hope and excitement for the new journey and life that I am starting. I am not sure where she is in her process, but in time, when I really leave the house, I will find out.

She said that she wants to continue to be good friends and see each other regularly. I said, realistically, once I am gone from the house we will slowly drift apart and one day not see each other ever again. I think to some extent my still being in the house allows her, at some level, to deny the brutal facts of what is really going to happen. For now she gets her cake and eat it too, she can reject my dressing and our intimacy and still have me around as a friend and companion. Pretty good situation for her.

Huggs and thanks for your words,
Melissa

[TxKimberly]

Melissa,

I'm so sorry. That sounds so weak given the situation your in, but nothing else I can say would be better. I'm sorry it came to that . .
Kim

[Niki 4U2 Nite]

Melissa---

Oh Mi God!
New to the site, so just catching up with some of the stories. Girlfriend, we are like in parallel universes. Our marriage counsellor at least had us do two sessions with me "en femme" before declaring that there could be no "satisfactory reconciliation" of our individual needs, despite deep love, fondness, and respect. Honestly, she dressed like an earth mother and I dressed in something I'd never let me daughter wear out of the house on a date. Kinda funny....in hindsight.
And I was the one who hired her for being expert in CD/TG issues.

A long story short.... I met a guy who knows how to make me feel like the woman I am. The therapist was right.

My mom and dad are now 84 and love me just the same-- though it took some time. My ex's parents reaction was--- "So what if he wants to wear a dress-- and stay out with his friends all night. He makes good money. You keep him no matter what!" Nice, attitude, huh?

My kids are happier not seeing their parents fight all the time. We all get along so much better now. When the tears dry, let their be smiles, laughter, and kindness again.

A word of caution through this.... as painful as it will be emotionally, keep your head about financial matters in the divorce. I would become either guilt wracked about ending the relationship, self absorbed with my newfound independence to express my inner me, or too carefree in the details of what was a costly and emotional separation. Believe me, when her lawyers were done, SRS was almost a moot point, since she had secured my balls along with the bank accounts in the settlement.

I barely had enough money at the end of the month for a manicure! It's a shame when you actually have to work the bar for a drink cuz your purse is running on empty. I understood this was her only means of expressing her anger and betrayal. We got through it.

Kiss and Dish,
Luvya, Niki

[KewTnCurvy GG]

"Love Transcends All" ??????? I'm sorry but she couldn't have loved you.

That's not true or fair Joy.

Kew

[RobertaFermina]

Dear Mellissa,

It seems to be time to begin grieving in earnest, and to begin to open to a vision of your new life. Listen for that voice inside you that will comfort, protect and guide you.

I agree with the suggestion that she may be kind and peacable while she develops a dossier for the divorce proceedings. Think Good Cop/Bad Cop.

You may need to struggle to achieve fairness. Yielding guarantees bounty and fairness only when you yield all to your higher power. Who else is worthy of that trust? If both of you lived deeply and faithfully by the very same virtues (higher power) then such trust might be shared between you. Do you live by the same virtues?

Roberta

[suezeq]

do it now see a lawer asap the longer you wait the harder it gets she wants her cake and eat it my ex wanted to do the same if you are going to split up 50/50 on all things and that includes all the bills good luck

[Marcie Sexton]

I am truely sorry that things haven't worked out...With all that said, sounds like she has a sense of security in/around you shes not willing to give up...As harsh as it sounds, she has wrote a check with her mouth her a** can't/won't cash...Insist she see to her mother in an up close and personal way, living with her...Be a stand up dad to the children, but she needs to take a hike...

I really wouldn't trust her now, she has made it abdunently clear she wants no maritial relationship with you...sounds like she has opened the door to an open relationship of her own by her rules...

From a voice of experience...stash some cash...atleast enough to get by on for 90 days...voice of my attorney when I went through my "no fault" divorce
several years ago...seems we were living from payday to payday, but the day our divorce was final she paifd cash for a brand new TransAm to the tune of 25 K, then had the nerve to Thank me for the new car...

Prepare yourself...Enuff said...

[melissacd]

I appreciate all of the feedback and you have all given me much to ponder. In as much as I appreciate her keeping the peace and being friendly at the same time continuing to live together in our current state of relationship also has a big discomfort factor that I had not anticipated.

At first I thought I could easily handle this, but I am now finding it more of a challenge. For example, the other day she wanted to sell some kitchen furniture that she no longer likes and then go shopping for new furniture for the house. Now the last thing I want to do right now is more household things. I have said to her a number of times that I have no interest in investing any further in the house. She on the other hand wants to start up new projects that are not cheap.

I can understand her wanting to continue to move forward as if life were back to normal, however, I cannot see the logic of doing more to the house at this point. To me we should be in a holding pattern until we see the right time to make the physical split.

It confusing and disturbing. I have to sit down with her and sort his out.

Melissa

[CharlaineCadence]

I can not say that I know how to help you hun though i wish i did. I know their is nothing I can say or do to make the feelings of hurt lessen. Though I can and do offer my support feel free to pm me any time hun.
kisses

[admirerplus GG]

Melissa,

I imagine that this situation may be much more difficult because you still love your wife and continue to have feelings for her. Perhaps, you may wish to consider seeking advice from more than one authoritative source. Obtaining pofessional, objective and impartial advice may be helpful, in a situation where you could be emotionally vulnerable.

I wish you success and happiness.

[Alice Torn]

I can surely empathise, as I am going through a similar situation, with a female, that I have been renting a room with, and I am doing 100% of the cleaning, and work, inside, and outside, while she only sits and watches stupid tv, getting fatter, blaming everyone else for her problems, has a mustache, has not worn a dress, since childhood, hates men, just uses them.. In fact, she has no friends, at all, doesn't want any. 12 cats, and two big dogs, in the house, it looks l;ike a herd of pigs came through.. I clean it up, she lets it get filthy, throughs all the trash on the floor. I will have to live in an older van, when I move out. We are not lovers, as she won't let a man touch her. None would want to. She is LAZY, but owns an acre, with house, 14 animals. After I leave, to live in my van, she will be forced, to work, to keep her place livable. I don't think she will, too spoiled, and lazy. If this awful situation, helps you, to feel a little less alone, then good. I just wish gg's would think like men more.

[AllieSF]

Hang in there. You seem to have a good handle on what has happened and where you might be going. Keep your head high, and if not dressing for ahwile helps, consider it.

Good luck.

[kittypw GG]

Melanie,

I said, realistically, once I am gone from the house we will slowly drift apart and one day not see each other ever again.

Huggs and thanks for your words,
Melissa

Why should you leave the house? She wants out, she should leave. You could continue to provide a home for your child and be the father and she can persue her new life. Who says that a mother is a better costodial parent? My husband raised his daughter from the age of 3 by himself. It would be hard to prove that you are a crossdresser in court, especially if she has never seen you. Maybe the reality of her and her mother being put out would get through her thick and stubborn skull. I'm shocked at how rigid she is about something she has never even been a part of.

The being all nicey nice to you is an act so that you don't throw her out on her can which is what she deserves.

Maybe it's time to stop playing mr. nice guy. It might take something drastic to make her see how selfish she is being. Yes I said selfish. That IS what she is.

Stay strong and don't feel like since you are the cd you have to make all of the consessions.
Kitty