Oh, Dear

[Dasein9]

So, a few weeks ago, I was on the subway heading into Manhattan to go to an FTM support group and then out with friends. There was a woman in my subway car I recognised from school, and we struck up a conversation. She works in the library, and lives in a museum here in New York. (An historic house, where she gets free rent for being the caretaker.)

To me, our conversation was just an interesting way to while away the subway ride. She was certainly cool, and I wouldn't have minded running into her again, but really didn't have any intentions of seeking her out, even though she'd given me her phone number.

Yesterday, I stopped by my mailbox, a visit that was long overdue, and found a letter from this woman. It's a full page, typed, and she wants to go out for a meal. I'm pretty sure this meal would be a date. The letter also gives about half of her life's story. I suspect from this that she invested more in our conversation than I did. (Is that arrogant of me? I don't mean it to be -- it's very uncomfortable.)

Now, I don't know what to do about this. On the one hand, it probably took her a lot of courage to write the letter. As someone who's rather socially awkward, I can appreciate that. This makes me feel kind of obligated to at least acknowledge the letter.

On the other hand, I'm not interested in dating her, and am feeling kind of resentful that she's making me feel obligated to acknowledge the letter, and be the bad guy who turns her down, and figure out how one goes about doing such a thing. So, I'm tempted not to acknowledge the letter at all, and simply act as though I never received it, if necessary. Since she's going to be changing jobs soon, I'm not so likely to run into her on campus. Does that make me a coward? And is being a coward such a bad thing?

[Shelly Preston]

I think you need to aknowledge the letter
she may be investing more but then again it may just be dinner and catching up on old times

Maybe lunch is a better option

It will be easier to understand intentions when you talk face to face

Its easy to get things wrong with text only
( sometimes completely wrong)

Good luck whatever you decide

[John]

I agree with Shelly. Acnoliging it is the only polite thing to do (just tell you'reself: play the gentleman ), so maybe go for a casual lunch or something. If she just wants to catch up, then cool. If she want's more, she'll hopefully get the hint. *sigh*, why are people so much hasel?

[AllieSF]

We are all looking for some type of acceptance in lie. Some more than others. If your friend made the effort, than she definitely deserves a reply. You would want the same if you approached someone of interest to you, male or female. If necessary make it coffee or tea and enjoy being nice to someone else. God has a funny way of rewarding these simple acts of kindness. By all means let her know or give her a good idea of where you stand with her. A white lie here would be appropriate, i.e. you have a new significant other in your life now. She will appreciate that and could become your unexpected ally one day when you need help. Just treat her like you would like to be treated.

[Wendy me]

write her back tell her you would like to go to dinner and catch up on things .... if she seams to want more say no thank you i thought we we just Friends ... who knows she might be a good Friend and just who out there has too many of them??????........

[DawnL]

I think you should acknowledge the letter but let it be known that you really aren't interested in a friendship. See what her interest is then and take it from there

[Dasein9]

Yoiks! I just noticed that she wrote it on 5. March. She probably already thinks I'm ignoring it or haven't gotten it.

Thanks for the tough advice, folks. Now, do I actually have to meet her, or can I respond by letter? I could blame my reluctance to go out on the amount of time my studies are taking.

Or just tell her I'm a trannie. Or does that only send the ones I'm attracted to running off in terror?

[CaptLex]

Or just tell her I'm a trannie. Or does that only send the ones I'm attracted to running off in terror?

I thought I was the only one . . .

Acknowledge the letter and tell her the truth - that you hadn't checked your mail in a long time. Whether you want to meet with her or not is up to you. Come on, you're a southern gent, you know what to do. Put yourself in her place.

[Gabriel]

Yup. Answer the letter would be the right thing to do.

[Dasein9]

I thought I was the only one . . .

Eh? You run from me in terror? When did that happen?

Did you have a book overdue from the Ship's Library?

[CaptLex]

Eh? You run from me in terror? When did that happen?

Did you have a book overdue from the Ship's Library?

You know what I mean, silly. I thought I was the only one that sent them running. Always the wrong ones, though. The ones I don't want to attract don't leave me alone.

[Dasein9]

Yeppers!

I wonder if it's worse for "normal" people. They don't have an automatic filter that keeps the worst of the people who can't handle difference away from them.

[Dasein9]

Okay, here's the letter. Will y'all please tell me if there's anything major wrong with it?

Dear __________,

I'm sorry for not answering sooner; I don't check my mailbox all that often. Thank you for your kind words. I'm afraid that the work involved in writing my dissertation is becoming more intense all the time, and I'm reluctant to undertake too many distractions.

Best of luck with your upcoming studies!
- [Dasein9]

[CaptLex]

Okay - it's short and to the point (without actually saying, "I don't want to meet with you") and it's a good excuse.

[Tristan]

Polite and yet please don't bother me all so nicely said. Sounds good to me Das.

[kerrianna]

yup, short and polite and firm. Good letter Das.

[Felix]

Hi Das sounds like you handled it well hun in the end xx Felix

[pocoyo]

Okay, here's the letter. Will y'all please tell me if there's anything major wrong with it?

Dear __________,

I'm sorry for not answering sooner; I don't check my mailbox all that often. Thank you for your kind words. I'm afraid that the work involved in writing my dissertation is becoming more intense all the time, and I'm reluctant to undertake too many distractions.

Best of luck with your upcoming studies!
- [Dasein9]

Well it is polite, and gets your message across....

It could be slightly too "strict" sounding though...
She might be hurt that you said "Undertake too many distractions..."
Although she MIGHT be pleased that you see her as a distraction hehe.

I dunno why but also... "I'm afraid..." sounds kind of strict to me too.

Perhaps if you softened it up a little with "But I would enjoy meeting up with you soon..." or something like that? But then... you don't want to meet up with her really do you?

Perhaps you can say the exact same thing you have, but in a more cushiony friendly, casual way?

Sorry! I'm not saying it's not a good letter, and to the point. 'Cos it so is!
I just think I might feel a little bit hurt and disappointed if I recieved a letter like that... (as it's so formal and blunt), but then... how else can you ever make sure people get the message? If you don't tell them straight. Hmm.

It's a tough one. Cos you don't want to have a lovesick puppy hanging around, but then you also don't want to hurt the poor thing's feelings...

.

[Question Mark]

I think the letter sounds good, except at the end of the first block of the text it seems like there should be a sentence saying "I appreciate the offer, though."

[Kieron Andrew]

I think the letter sounds good, except at the end of the first block of the text it seems like there should be a sentence saying "I appreciate the offer, though."

i agree thats the only thing id add

[Julie York]

Does that make me a coward? And is being a coward such a bad thing?

Yeah. It's why half the women on the planet call half the men on the planet complete *******s.


Treat someone how you would wish to be treated.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

On the other hand, I'm not interested in dating her, and am feeling kind of resentful that she's making me feel obligated to acknowledge the letter, and be the bad guy who turns her down, and figure out how one goes about doing such a thing.

Welcome to guydom. I'm glad to see you end up being a man about it.

I agree it's a good letter, but a formal and a bit curt. Even if you didn't ask for it, it sounds like she put herself out there emotionally, so you need to let her down like a gentleman.

I think "distractions" isn't a good way to put it. I'd just say that with your dissertation you don't really have any free time, and I agree telling her you appreciated the offer would also help soften it.

So something like:

"I'm sorry for not answering sooner; I don't check my mailbox all that often. Thank you for your kind words and your offer to get together for dinner. Unfortunately all the work involved in writing my dissertation is becoming more intense all the time and I just don't really have any free time at the moment.

Best of luck with your upcoming studies!"

[Dasein9]

Thanks, Marlena. I used your wording, and put it on a very masculine-looking thank-you card. This way, she's getting a thank-you note, which is usually softer than a mere letter, but it's still pretty firmly worded. I also used my school address on the envelope, so I haven't disclosed my home address.

Perhaps that's a bit paranoid, but I've had some bad experiences in the past.

[kerrianna]

Thanks, Marlena. I used your wording, and put it on a very masculine-looking thank-you card. This way, she's getting a thank-you note, which is usually softer than a mere letter, but it's still pretty firmly worded. I also used my school address on the envelope, so I haven't disclosed my home address.

Perhaps that's a bit paranoid, but I've had some bad experiences in the past.

Definitely not paranoid Das. The last thing you want is her showing up on your doorstep wanting to change your mind.

[pocoyo]

Definitely not paranoid Das. The last thing you want is her showing up on your doorstep wanting to change your mind.

Uck yeah... I've had that happen. (Probably because I'm so crap at being firm myself).

Sounds like you did it nicely yet got the message across.

Well done dude