and in some instances understand, accepts and for some participates (albeit in varying degrees)...............why then do [SIZE="3"]some of you[/SIZE] feel the need to continue to lie, hide purchases, go on various other sites, flirt, tease and in general act as if you do not have a partner/wife.
The damage you do to your relationships can be irreversable and terrifying for those who are new to the community
I allow myself to set healthy boundaries ..... to say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does.
Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me
Good question Jess. That totally boggles my thinking. If I had an accepting partner, I would certainly do everything in my power to work along with her to make our relationship a success.
why
yes why do they??????
one of many "life with a cder" biggest unanswered questions.
cheers
bj
Originally Posted by jess(SO)
never understood it either.......if the Partner knows and accepts, what does the CD'ers gain from lying???
maybe we have some compulsive liers in the T* community? thing is it gives other cd'ers a bad name
I personnally can relate to part of this problem, There are time when I still hide purchases from my wife. She is accepting very well, and there really should be no reason for me to hide these things from her. I am not real sure why I do it myself sometimes. The only trouble that she may give me is that I simply have too many items already, and I surely don't need anymore. So why do I hide the things from her sometimes.
I guess it may be that I haven't accepted the fact that she accepts me. I guess it is a problem of mine. You are taught that something is Taboo all your life and now all of a sudden it is OK. You don't have to hide anymore. Maybe just a bit nervous about taking that step. Not wanting to flaunt this in front of my wife, and taking that extra precaution not to get myself in a position that I am uncomfortable with. (Being too far out of the closet).
as far as going on various other sites, flirt, tease and in general act as if you do not have a partner/wife. In my mind this is TOTALLY unacceptable behavior and those that cheat on thier spouse's should have thier names put in the newspaper, or have their photos posted in the town center.
my sister's reply when I told her how I prefer to dress
"Everyone has there thing, all that matters is that you are happy, love what you do and who you do it with"
I don't have a clue as to why. My philosophy about this is, if you don't want to know the truth, don't ask! I have been that way to Jean from the day we met some 26 years ago.
Besides, it is hard enough for me to remember the truth, much less try and remember a string of lies!
Davida
Well Jess, in my case the acceptance is very limited. Sometimes a don't ask--don't tell policy. I lie to avoid angry outbursts. If I have been shopping--she never asks to see what I bought. She knows there are dresses in my closet, not sure if she has ever looked at them close. Not sure if she knows about the wigs in shoeboxes on my closet shelf.
My wife accepts and some times helps so no more need to lie
Angie
Truth = Trust = Acceptance = Happiness for ALL concerned!
Hey Jess! DO NOT lie to your wife about CD'ing or hide things behind her back. If you want her to accept you and trust you, the damage done by hiding things is going to be a lot harder to overcome than the dressing itself.
I'm more in love with my wife now than I was the day I married her, so I can't consider lying to her. We've known each other almost two decades now and I'm not going to do something to break her trust in me.
If you love her, be truthful, share, and don't run around like you've got some dirty little secret, because if you do, she's going to assume (rightfully) that you DO have a dirty little secret - and that will lead to nothing but trouble down the road.
Take care all and God bless!
Hey Jess (my fellow GG)
I think you need to start putting GG after your name after all, hun!!
eMsx
I'm pretty sure Jess doesn't have a wife... she 'is' the wife.. she's a GG
As for the hiding of things, well... after 8 years, my Tam still does it, bugs the hell out of me. I mean, I always like to show him/her what I've bought, but I keep finding things in the wash I've never seen before... and then I get the 'oh I bought that ages ago' crap...
The thing is, these little things, they mount up... and the more they mount up, the more I get mad, because I don't know what else is being hidden and the trust starts going away
Administrator
Missing my Libra babe Sherlyn, I hope she's rocking up there with the angels
Missing our Rianna, doesn't seem right, gone to early, hope she's partying with Sherlyn
I can't answer for the others, but in my case, coming out involved a lot of nerver, needless to say...fear was the greatest detractor.
We went thorugh our rough stretch of life, including a demand that i quit dressing, which I did...then for some reason she began to accept me and now we enjoy our lives in a new closer way...
All I can say is thank god for a loving Wife !!!
[Puts on Oprah voice:]
Girlfriend.... she knows!
Not necessarily a complele answer, but something to consider. When happily married guys go out for a beer. they drool over the barmaids and waitresses. The most faithful of husbands spend all night saying "I'd love to f*ck her to death!", and all the buddies nod and laugh. And they mean it. They would love to f*ck her, if not to her death, at least to their own. That doesn't mean that they would actually consider doing it, or that they don't love their wives.
What do you think their wives would say if they overheard all this? Is a crime committed in your own "space" the same as a crime committed against another person? I think the best answer I would have is "it depends".
Tamara maybe Randi has just about got it right apart, from the fact he assumed I was a cdr
[SIZE="4"]If you love her, be truthful, share, and don't run around like you've got some dirty little secret, because if you do, she's going to assume (rightfully) that you DO have a dirty little secret [/SIZE]- [SIZE="3"]and that will lead to nothing but trouble down the road.[/SIZE]
[SIZE="3"]Strangely enough those who lie and hide things from their SO's have been very silent here, as per usual it has been those who believe in the honesty of relationships that heve been the main voice here, but it was not those that this thread was aimed at, unfortunately those that the thread was aimed at have been the very very silent minority[/SIZE]
I allow myself to set healthy boundaries ..... to say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does.
Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me
Just tell me what the hell this has to do with the lying and deception of cd'ing??
Administrator
Missing my Libra babe Sherlyn, I hope she's rocking up there with the angels
Missing our Rianna, doesn't seem right, gone to early, hope she's partying with Sherlyn
The point is, love is precious and trust goes with it. Lying will kill trust and folks if you lose the trust in a relationship; you've lost it all.
Jess,
Growing older does not necessarily imply GROWING UP. Which guys can get away with a lot of the time, you know... all that "blood drainage from the head to the 'small' brain" thing.
But crossdressing in an open relationship is something that you have to take seriously and responsibly. She has gone out on a limb for you. So guys, stand up and be a man, or a woman if you like, but take RESPONSABILITY for your actions and your relationship. This is not game, there are people involved.
Carin
I have gone on a journey in search if myself. If you find me before I return, please hold on to me until I get back.
Telling our Children
Well I am one of those liars that didn't respond to this thread.. I don't lie so much about my cding anymore.. I'm lucky enough to have a gf that supports me.. But I still use the trick that tons of girls use. I won't wear something new I bought in front of her until I can safely say that I've had it a while.. Its a silly thing to do since she supports me so much, but she does get mad @ my spending habits, rightfully so. Its been better since I told her, but I still feel the need to keep some things to myself.. You are all so right though, this has hurt the trust level in our relationship a lot. If any of you girls read this thread & think you should continue to lie.. Read it again.. Jess knows what she is speaking of.. She is very wise... Thanks Jess.. If nothing else you are helping this liar revaluate why I do it, & why I should stop!
Jess, this is more than a one answer post...If the SO knows and is supportive I don't understand why anyone would have to lie and carry on in a deceitful way. It erodes the foundation of the marriage, If you lie about dressing, what other things are you lying about, the seeds of distrust will keep growing until the marriage becomes a battlefield.
As for the flirting and such, I find this most distasteful, you married your partner, she is the one who you chose to commit to and to skulk around outside the marriage is just not right.
Super Mod
Oh God, Thy sea is so great and my boat is so small
The Breton Fisherman's Prayer was engraved on a brass plaque and presented to President John F. Kennedy by US Navy Admiral Hyman Rickover.
Daintre, gone but not forgotten, R.I.P. Angel xx
Tamara
the CDer, depending on what stage she is in with the CDing, is operating many times out of fear, even with an accepting wife. This really has little to with the accepting wife and everything to do with the CDer. None of it is good for the relationship that I can attest to.
what I can say is that accepting wife or not, operating from a space of fear or not, honesty really does pay off even if there is hurt contained in that honesty.
Louise.
I’ll try to answer this. I’m one who lied to my exwife even after I had told her what I liked to wear.
What surprises me on this thread is that there is no discussion of the deep, deep shame, quilt and humiliation that is part of the cross dressing experience. It’s this, that lies at the heart of many of the problems we have.
We, I speak for my sisters, have been caring this shame since before we even knew what to call it. We just knew we felt really bad about our desires and that there was something terribly wrong with us. Family, friends, movies used words like sick and pervert to describe what brought us so much joy. Deep shame brings deep, dark tumultuous secrets. We are on constant alert. If someone found out about us we could be scolded, punished, laughed at and humiliated and possibly turned over to the medical community (this was happening into the late 70’s) for evaluation and treatment.
For me, my desire to dress like a woman and my sexual needs and desires are linked and always have been. Called it fetish, if you will. If there’s sex involved than that adds dimension to our shame and embarrassment. We all experience various levels of shyness and difficulty around this subject. How easy or hard is it to ask your lover for something new or different or even to stop doing something unpleasant?
I recently married a woman that knew everything about me. I told her what I knew about myself and what my future might be regarding transitioning, long before we married. We have both transitioning it seems. She and I are both sex positive and fetish positive. We are now open about everything and there is a strong and sustainable spiritual component to our relationship
Even being in a relationship with a woman I loved and who I knew beyond any doubt, loved me, it still took me 3-4 years to overcome the shame and deep embarrassment and open my heart and desires fully and invite her into my inner, secret, world. A world that had been my home in some ways. A place in my heart that was warm and protected and safe. I lived there alone for 50 years when I met her.
What is the depth of this shame, guilt, embarrassment and isolation? For us every time we reveal something new about ourselves it’s like a new coming out with all the angst, fears and risks associated. I know from my own experiences just how exhausting this can be.
How long does it take to do the deep kind of healing that’s needed for us to feel something we’ve never felt before.
The feeling of belonging and safety.
The feeling of self love and acceptance.
The feeling of being lovable and being loved
How do we get there from here?
Last edited by Rikkicn; 04-14-2007 at 04:04 PM.
"Every desire of your body is holy. Did you hear what I said? Every desire of your body is holy"
Hafiz "The Gift" Translations by Daniel Ladinsky
I have just the opposite thing happening. My wife works in retail, and she is always buying clothes. She will buy something and leave it in her car for a while. Then when I see it, and ask when did you get that, I get, OH, I;ve had that for a while. The funny part is, I see her check book on line and can tell what she has spent. But at least she is spending her money, not mine. Or should I say it's her money or ours, not just mine. But most of the bills are all mine.....BJ
I think you have captured here (and in the rest of what you wrote) a lot of my feelings. I have lied to my wife about little things, although I have told her the big things. It is humiliating and embarrassing for me to talk about cding. What makes it worse for me is that my wife doesn't really want to know about it. I have come to the conclusion that in my marriage (nearing 40 yrs) it is best to avoid the issue of crossdressing as much as possible. If that means a few small lies or misleading statements, so be it. About all other things I am open and honest. Perhaps to a fault. I don't believe there is a "one size fits all" answer to a lot of the important questions.
Regards,
Mary
Another liar checking in here.
My wife knows about my CD-ing. But she doesn't *want* to know. She especially doesn't want to know what I have done in the past (never unfaithful) and she doesn't want to know what items I have bought. She also doesn't want to know what websites I have visited or what I get up to on Second Life.
So...I don't tell her.
This isn't a situation I like, but right now I don't know how to change it.
Last edited by Lilith Moon; 04-14-2007 at 04:38 PM. Reason: Grammar
Posting Permissions
