Have you ever tried to explain fear ...

[Donna Louise]

Hi Sisters

I have not been around lately things have been keeping me busy.

I have a question for you. Have you ever tried to explain the fear sometimes the sheer terror of being made?

How you heart races to the point the you think it will burst.
How you sweat and your hands get clamy.
How your hands tremble to a point beyond belief.
How you eyes dart from person to person to see if they are looking at you.
How you know that everyone is looking at you.
How you feet seem to not want to go where you want them to.

OMG, I have been through this so many times and each time it is sheer terror for me.

I know that eveyone has made me. I know that there is no way I can pass.

I am sure that there are other factures that I have left out. Other things that you have gone through.

I just recently went though one of these. It was horrorific.

I would like to know what you think. What happened and how did you overcome it?

Hugs
Donna Louise

[Sweet Susan]

I was once in a grocery store in the Capitol Hill neighborhood in Seattle. A couple of men were trying to flirt with me, but I didn't know. When I finally turned to them, and they saw that I was indeed a bit odder looking than they had originally thought, their faces went blank, and they backed away slowly. I was petrified, and I actually thought I would pass out. Since then I have been made a few times, but it is never as horrible as that first time. Anymore, it just doesn't seem to matter.

[Maddie Knight]

I was walking throug a town once and a group of lads whistled at me. The buzz was fantastic but the fear was immense.

[Amelie]

There will always be an element of fear while CDing in public. As Susan says as you go out more the fear becomes less.

No matter what stories you read in this forum, every Cd gets read at some point in public. I have gone to clubs with Cds who claim they are never read, yet when I see them in the street people are reading them.
It is up to you how you handle being read. I go out with the full knowledge that someone is going to read me, and someone always does. In fact a lot of people read me. I have accepted being read, most times nothing happens, a few times people laugh or say something, and on even fewer times someone gets angry. In almost all of these times it is just words that are thrown at me, big deal, words from people I don't even know or will ever see again.

You have to be prepared to be read, it will happen, you must find a way to ignore other people. You don't have to fight them or answer back, just accept that you are read and move on. I know this is easier said than done. You have to find a way to handle being read, because none of us are perfect women.
Love Amelie

[christine55]

Very very few of us can pass 100 percent of the time. Beomg read detracts from the feeling of being feminine, but if we act like ladies they will be left wondering or impressed.
Hugs, Christine

[Maria2004]

I remember I used to care about passing, but my reason was to be just left alone, not seeking sexual attention. The idea of another man finding me attractive is kinda revolting. There is no way I can pass if someone wants to take a good look at me, I accept that, I've been laughed at too. Like Amelie says, the words are meaningless. My only fear now is someone, most likley a kid or a mob of them, getting physical. A man dressed in womens clothing trying to be reasonable can be mispercieved as weakness, and "weakness breeds aggression" to quote Von Clausiweitz (or however you spell his name). But I'm a fear junky too, all my life growing up, if something scared me I went after it, and the fear always turned out to be far worse then the reality. Confronting those fears makes you feel so alive, like...reborn...after passing through.

[Nyx]

I have yet to receive my clothes and my wig. When I do, I will have to take a good look at myself in the mirror, fully dressed.

If I'm not confident I can pass, then I probably won't ever adventure en femme outside of the house. I just don't see the point. I have enough hostility in everyday's life and I don't need more, so if I don't feel comfortable and confident dressed up as a girl, I'm not going to go outside.

Thats just my opinion

[Maria2004]

I have yet to receive my clothes and my wig. When I do, I will have to take a good look at myself in the mirror, fully dressed.

If I'm not confident I can pass, then I probably won't ever adventure en femme outside of the house. I just don't see the point. I have enough hostility in everyday's life and I don't need more, so if I don't feel comfortable and confident dressed up as a girl, I'm not going to go outside.

Thats just my opinion

We are the worst judges of whether or not we can pass, at least in my case
I love quoting people who are smarter then me, one of my all time favs, and am gonna get a T-shirt made of it is, "I refuse to tiptoe through life, only to arrive safely at my death"

Just my opinion too, nothing personal.

Peace be with you.

[Georgette]

Yes I was just out to the local Wal-mart and yes I was read, not by who you may think butI also read her too! She was also a he so I walked over to her and said good evening nice day. You could see the look of fear drain from her then we shopped together for the time we were in the store. Fun ay, I have to agree with Amelie though who really cares if you are not threatened you may never see them again. Thats my 2Cents worth on this.

[Tiffany Tuesday]

My view is:

The greatest fear comes from inside you. When you yourself believe crossdressing is wrong or perverted and have insufficient self confidence to be different from the herd. There is also the fear regarding, wife, family, living/job and of course the everyday fear any women can be put under by men.

The first fear you can master, when you accept what you are. You are different yes ... but that difference does not make you less of a person, wrong nor a pervert. Many men feel they will be shamed if caught dressed as a woman. That is male pride, a pride which pressumes being female a lesser existence. Half the world are female and in general their social behaviour is more admirable than that of men. When you dress and act as a woman, be proud to be a woman .. then there is no fear in admitting or being read " as a man who admires women and wishes to be publically accepted as one"!

The fear of discovery by your wife, family etc, will always remain whilst they do not know and accept your difference. You fear what you may lose. If you had nothing to lose you would have nothing to fear. The choice is yours, the risk is yours, there is no right answer, each must decide in their own circumstances.

The fear any woman can experience from men, is just something you have to learn to accept as a woman, how to best avoid it and how to use your brain and not brawn. As a woman you are physically seen to be weaker, so like any other woman, avoid those situations where you may not be safe.

Hugz x

[windycissy]

If you're scared, and you act scared, the odds of your being "read" will soar.

"Whenever I feel afraid, I hold my head erect, and whistle a happy tune, and no one will suspect, I'm afraid!"

That's from The King and I, and it helps a lot. I figure that I pass about 95% of the time, and the other 5% really sucks, but I refuse to let it get to me. Imagine if I were a particularly masculine-looking woman who occasionally suffers the humiliation of being mistaken for a truck drive in drag. She has it a lot worse than I do. Windy

[Helana]

There are 2 ways to set your brain -

1. believe that you are reasonably passable - that you can pass most of the people most of the time. This may give you confidence as you walk along the street and nobody is paying you attention, but for up close encounters, you will be struck with fear of discovery. This will make you try to avoid close encounters and communicating with people. You end up creating a public closet for yourself - you have escaped physically but mentally you are still in hiding.

2. believe that you are not passable and that everyone who gives you a good look will clock you for certain. In this mode you are afraid to leave the house as you know lots of people will read you, so you have to set your mind that you are proud to be a tranny and don't care what others think of you. Now the fear of discovery is removed - it does not matter if you are read from afar or from close up as you expect to be read. This also means you don't have to worry about talking either as you know they know you are a bloke so no need for squeeky voices. Just talk and act normally. If you act normally then usually others around you will pick up on this clue and will treat you normally.

I would recommend No.2 for most CDers. In truth unless you are blessed with a small body and cute face and have a lot of experience appearing in public - you will be read alot - even if you are not aware of it. One way to judge is to walk along a shopping area and use the shop windows as mirrors. You will soon discover that many people will stare at you behind your back when they think you cannot see them.

The truth is 90% of people have no idea how to react when confronted with a crossdresser and so wait for clues from you in order for them to understand how they should interact with you. The key here is to be normal - normal clothes, normal make-up, normal wig, normal voice, normal mannerisms etc. This will make them relax when they realize that you dont want to be treated any differently from normal and they have nothing to fear from you. Remember they can be fearful too, its not just you

[Rikki]

I know that Icould never pass and I don't go out . I am satified to just dress up and stay at home or just go for a drive and avoid people as much as possible.I have been confronted twice and they were both very nervous times. Both times I was asked the same questions,( wtf do you dress like that for? You are sick person.) I thought that I was dead meat, both times, but it was just me thinking the worst. Both times I was by myself out late at night and didn't think that people would be out that late. Anyways, this ole fat girl made tracks back to my truck and locked myself in for the rest a the night. Talk about a rush, I was high for a week the first time. The second time wasn't quit so bad, but I didn't stick around after the two guys left. So since then I am very careful when and where I take my walks, if and when I do go out now. Just my little adventures.


Rikki

[Shy Charlotte]

Heya Donna,

When I first started this dark yet colorful path that we call crossdressing, I thought the Holy Grail of crossdressing was passing. I'd dress down to pass sometimes, since it'd be better to be seen as an ugly woman than a pretty crossdresser (at least in my eyes). And for some strange reason, I felt compelled to go in public to test my powers of passing or satisfy some unnamed curiosity. The few times that I'd gone out, I was almost certainly spotted every time, and whenever it would happen I'd run home with my tail between my legs, blushing in mortification and humiliation.

Then one day I decided to reinvent my game plan and outlook:

1. What was the absolute worst thing that happened? Um, maybe a few disgusted stares or remarks. No loss if limb or life (knock on wood). Worse things can happen, but I'm probably at greater risk of dying from riding my motorcycle than walking to the 7-Eleven in drag. Somehow the TV Prostitutes along Sunset Boulevard do it all night every night, and deal with some of the roughest crowds, and if they can do it even on weekends on holidays, well dammit I can do it at least once a year (I don't CD as much as I used to).

2. Um, what the hell was I thinking walking to 7-Eleven in the first place? Sure I needed a pack of Camels, really bad in fact, but did I need to do it in drag? If the transgendered life is the way that you choose to live, then so be it. As for myself, I actually enjoy the fact that I can take a vacation from my penis and become a woman from time to time, yet when the heels start aching, I can switch back to drab. Thus, if the need is there, I can find a decent nightclub to hit up where it's alright to dress in drag, as opposed to assaulting a bewildered liquor store employee with my face. There is strength in numbers, and not just physical strength, but emotional resolve as well. Find a CD organization with whom you can hang out, and chances are they'll know the cool places where you can go. Whether it's listening to Sinatra and getting lipstick stains on your martini glasses or stomping your boots to Psychopomps in some black-lit cement hole, there's something for everyone, and there are stranger things in the world than us, believe me. And if you can't find a CD friendly bar or club, well you can always try to organize a shindig at one of your newly made CD friends' homes.

3. Going back to the Holy Grail... passing. Um, believe it or not, I'd say a goodly percentage of us cannot, will not, and never will pass. Nothing to do with wearing last season's shoe, a scuffed handbag, or an ill timed belch. The fact of the matter is that many of us are just big, massive guys who equate into bigger, more massive women. Even those of us that are blessed to wear a women's shoe size that you don't have to order from the Eastern Block, or wear a dress that wasn't made from a parachute, just have features that are relatively manly. This isn't to say that nobody can pass every once in a while, or even that there are those who pass on a regular basis. I'm just sayin' that those of us with the lifter's biceps, unibrow, or beer gut aren't lost causes either. To paraphrase James St. James, it shouldn't be about passing, but rather looking fabulous. Some of the most beautiful people I've ever met were obviously men, but were so glamorous that I was still in awe nonetheless.

Oops, this is turning into a regular novella.

Ta ta for now....

[racquel]

Many,many times by a lot of people.kids especially are quick to notice.
I've gotta say Tiffany Tuesday really had a great reply.Shy Charlotte is also on the mark.
It's gonna happen.

[Marlene4a]

My view is:

The greatest fear comes from inside you. When you yourself believe crossdressing is wrong or perverted and have insufficient self confidence to be different from the herd. There is also the fear regarding, wife, family, living/job and of course the everyday fear any women can be put under by men.

The first fear you can master, when you accept what you are. You are different yes ... but that difference does not make you less of a person, wrong nor a pervert. Many men feel they will be shamed if caught dressed as a woman. That is male pride, a pride which pressumes being female a lesser existence. Half the world are female and in general their social behaviour is more admirable than that of men. When you dress and act as a woman, be proud to be a woman .. then there is no fear in admitting or being read " as a man who admires women and wishes to be publically accepted as one"!

The fear of discovery by your wife, family etc, will always remain whilst they do not know and accept your difference. You fear what you may lose. If you had nothing to lose you would have nothing to fear. The choice is yours, the risk is yours, there is no right answer, each must decide in their own circumstances.

The fear any woman can experience from men, is just something you have to learn to accept as a woman, how to best avoid it and how to use your brain and not brawn. As a woman you are physically seen to be weaker, so like any other woman, avoid those situations where you may not be safe.

Hugz x

Tiffany: Brilliant and very well said.

Your quote is well taken, and I could not add any more to it.

[DonnaT]

Fear is one of those primal instincts and emotions. One must work at overcoming them.

I just don't worry about how others see me. They have no power over me. Fear will give them power, however, and I just don't feel like giving anyone else power over me.

So what if they don't like what they see. No skin off my nose.

And how many actually do not like what they see? Very few, as noted by Amelie.

Heck, I've been out drab, with a blouse on, or nails painted. Clearly not trying to pass, and no one has ever said a thing. I've seen some surprised looks, but no hate. Heard someone laugh about my high heeled boots. Hey, made someone laugh, no hate however. Big deal. I doubt they even remembered me the next day.

Everything you've been fearing has been conjured up in your mind, when in reality, very little will be real.

So, why fear the unkown?