Is crossdressing dishonest?

[Leah B]

I've been hearing from my partner lately that X-dressing is dishonest. That it's playing pretend since I want to misrepresent myself as a woman when I am not.

She doesn't understand why I want to take on another name, another set of mannerisms, another voice, or augment my body (like breastforms would do). Why can't I just go out and wear a skirt and makeup and be the dude most people know me as? I think she's worried that I want to be someone completely different.

Now, I've got some answers for her, but I don't have them all. So, for those of you who have a second persona, why? What is it about being a woman that's so much better than being a man in the same clothing?

[Sharon]

You can actually make the arguement that you're being more honest when you express yourself as you want or need to.

[Kate Simmons]

Depends on what you are looking for. Most of us want a positive self image and feedback from not only our appearance but also our interactions with others (going shopping, out in public, etc.). I used to be a second persona as Ericka but now, I'm pretty much the same person no matter what I look like. For myself a lot of it was about bringing out my feminine feelings, not being afraid of them and embracing them. The "second persona" is one of many vehicles to use to accomplish that. When all is said and done, we are still ourselves anyway. Sal

[Valerie Nicole]

No, it's not dishonest, because nobody is losing anything or getting hurt in any way at all. If I want to go out pretending to be a woman, who is the victim of that "dishonesty"? Has anyone been hurt by virtue of the fact that they saw what they thought was a woman but was really a man? I don't see how.

If you disagree with me, then odds are you're going to bring up the bathroom scenario. That it is dishonest for us to go into a women's bathroom. I disagree there, too. If we do not look at other women and do not see anything we shouldn't be seeing, there is no dishonesty. If we do look at the other women, then this is dishonest, but it is not because of the crossdressing. This is an action committed wholely independent of the crossdressing, just like if we were to shoplift clothes while dressed, this has nothing to do with the fact that we ARE dressed, it is just something we did at the time we happened to be dressed.

Does this make sense?

[Butterfly Bill]

I have to say that I agree with her somewhat. I wear the clothes, but it remains obvious that I am a man, and I think life is much simpler when I do it like that. I also feel I get more acceptance from other people that way.

[BlUeDrAgOn]

First of all, I don't think it's dishonest at all to be a crossdresser. We are what we are. It's not a choice. It would be easier if we could switch it on and off as we would please, but it's not how it works. It's one of our own characteristics, like being heterosexual, gay, good parent, bad parent... You know.

People tend to look at the differences as a bad thing, discriminating, sometimes being violent, but we have to be able to deal with it the best we can.

It would be better if we could all be ourselves out in the open, but the world doesn't work like that. So, we have to keep some secrets to ourselves (sometimes we can share them with our family, but not always). Personally, I'm in a struggle with myself to decide if I'll ever tell it to my wife, but I don't feel I'm being dishonest for being the way I am. I even think I'm keeping her from being hurt, not telling her something she would probably never understand or accept. Until now, it's keeping me from the pleasures of CD'ing, but I'm beinh able to live with that so far...

[Di]

You can actually make the arguement that you're being more honest when you express yourself as you want or need to.

Thanks Sharon you took the words right out of my mouth..... you are having communication and being honest about how you truly feel.

[Leah B]

You can actually make the arguement that you're being more honest when you express yourself as you want or need to.

Sure, I can. But that doesn't mean she'll accept that. I'm looking for your reasons why here. Why a fake name? Why fake boobe? Why fake anything? What she wants to know is why can't I be like Butterfly Bill and just be happy wearing fem garments without the fem act. Or perhaps the opposite, acting fem while in drab (which I find much less appealing).

Someone mentioned above that we want favorable reactions. This is a large part of why I want to pass. She wonders if its selfish that I want to be treated like a lady too, since most people are content with just one gender, and I want them both.

I've suggested she let me go out as presenting as a man, as D___, but in drag. She demurred, and I must wonder if it's because she knows how difficult that'd be.

[Sharon]

Well, I'm TS so my situation is different than yours. I was just making an observation.

[Pippilotta]

It actually is a matter of being honest to oneself, that is: trying to develop one's feminine side (which is there, whether acknowledged or not). That, of course, could be done in several different ways, of which crossdressing is but one. How far we go, and exactly what we do in this respect, certainly is to some important degree dependent upon our human environment and on how much/little we feel obliged to consider their reaction and response.
As to supplying "what isn't there" - well, is that not exactly what genetic women have done always ?!

[Phoebe Reece]

Leah, for me the experience of dressing femme and going out in public is like being an actor in a stage play. It's not being dishonest, it's playing a role. I know what I am and so do many of the people I encounter when I am out. When I "pass", it's just a validation of my performance.

[Di]

REASONS? How can anyone else answer YOUR reasons.
I was in general saying because that is how you feel inside and need to express yourself....and you are being honest to her about your feelings.
There are as many reasons as there are cd's and tg's........so you are asking for reasons that will fly with her....

Why a fake name? Why fake boobe? Why fake anything?......... A simple answer might be so you can present as you feel you are inside.

[Marcie Sexton]

If your situation was hidden and causing problems, then I'd agree, however you are one of the brave ones...You like so many of us have come ut, some to open arms, some to disdain and rejection...but we are being honest both with ourselves and our SO's...more than can be said about the majority of society...

[sobe1ove GG]

Hi, I'm Leah's partner.

I'm somewhat afraid to post in this thread. I don't want to get my head bitten off. I sort of wish he didn't bring this up here.

Anyway, some things I believe:

1. Dishonesty doesn't need victims. Even if you aren't hurting anyone with your dishonesty, it's still dishonest.

2. Lying to your wife is dishonest, no matter what it's about.

3. I personally don't understand how pretending to be someone you're not is being more honest. You may feel a connection with elements of being a woman, but you aren't one. Pretending to be *anything* that you arent is dishonest.

4. Something bothers me about what 'Leah' says. He says that he doesn't feel himself unless others treat him that way. I think it's sad that anyone needs attention from strangers in order to feel like themselves. I don't base who I am on what others think of me. The opinions of strangers don't mean one bit.

5. He mentioned that I think it's selfish you y'all want to experience the best things from each gender. The better way to say it is that I feel it's greedy. At least from what 'Leah' says about his own feelings. He's jealous that women get treated differently from men, so he wants to experience that, too. Greedy.

I'm sort of afraid that after this post I might be banned from the boards. I just get this vibe that when I get the privelege to post, as a GG, that I don't have to right to question you guys or to not agree with what you think.

And anyway, who cares what I think? One of my main points is just that. Who cares what anyone thinks but yourselves? And your 'significant other'.

[Jenny Beth]

For a lot of us here it's taken the better part of a lifetime to accept who we are let alone understand it all. If your partner feels that you are being dishonest and you don't have the answers as to why you dress then I'm sorry to say but you are off to a rough start. Basically you have to accept yourself before you can expect others to accept you. I wish you luck in sorting this out.

[Karren H]

Now that's a good one!!! If us crossdressing as women is dishonest then there's a Walmart full of women dressed in baggy jeans and oversized sweatshirts out there that are just as dishonest... Hehe...

You could even go as far to say that women wearing makeup is dishonest because it hides their true looks.... Guys wearing tups are dishonest for hiding the baldness... Wearing any cloths at all is dishonest because it covers up the real you... Lol.

So when it comes right down to it were all dishonest.... Trust me!! You can take my word for it because, of coarse, I'm extremely honest!!



Love Karren

[Valerie Nicole]

sobe1ove, I admire your courage in posting in this thread. That could not have been an easy move for you to make. You have every right to question us and disagree with us, just as we have every right question you and disagree with you. I do not have a problem with your post in this thread, even though I do not agree with what you have said, and I would like to ask you a few questions.

If dishonesty doesn't need victims, allow me to put it another way...even if it is dishonest, where is the harm if there ARE no victims? I don't see how publicly CDing can hurt anybody, unless the CDer is recognized. But if you don't care what other people think, this shouldn't be a problem for you. My point there is where is the harm in it, even if it is dishonest, if nobody gets hurt?

I agree with your point about lying to a wife. I would never think to enter into a relationship with a girl (I'm 19, just fyi) without letting her know about this side of me.

My response to your third point is that many of us (myself included) feel that there is a woman inside us that needs to be expressed. It is not a matter of just wanting to be feminine or connect with femininity, it is a matter of needing to show the world who we are on the inside. For some of us (myself not included) we feel not only that there is a woman on the inside, but that this woman is a larger part of us than our male aspect.

Having never been out en femme, I can't give you a response to your fourth point.

For your fifth point...to be perfectly honest it sounds like you are being a little high and mighty. I do not mean to offend you, because I realize that you genuinely do not have a lot of experience with this lifestyle, but to be perfectly blunt, you don't really know what it is like to be one of us. The desire to be feminine (or to even temporarily take on a completely female role) is a part of who we are inside. Many of us go through periods of wanting to change this part of us, and end up in torment over realizing that we can't change. We are not fulfilling some idle fantasy here, but expressing a part of ourselves that can't go unexpressed. It is not a want. It is a need.

I hope this might help clarify a few things for you and I hope it helps you understand your husband a little better. Then again, I can't really speak for him and I don't know how much of this applies to him. I am not trying to change your mind, because I have no right to tell you how you should feel, I am simply trying to show you some things you may not have considered before.

Once again I respect and admire you for your courage and your honesty. I am glad you posted in this thread and I hope that what I have said here will be some help. I wish you and your husband the best of luck, and I hope this all works out for you.

[Phoebe Reece]

Sobe1ove, You should never feel uneasy about making a post here. This forum is here for a free and open exchange of ideas. Just because some may disagree with you does not make your point any less valid. You have as much right to express your beliefs as anyone else.

I do not think many people here will appreciate being judged as "dishonest". That has implications that go beyond the crossdressing. Still, if that is your opinion, you should feel welcome to express it.

The thing about opinions is that everyone has one and they are all different.

[Kate Simmons]

You have a right to your own opinion Sobe. No one is going to fault you for that. I, for one, am glad to hear your honest feelings on this. None of us have all the answers and that is why we are here, to try and understand it together. Sal

[sobe1ove GG]

Yeah. I feel like these opinions I have about him going out dressed as someone else will never change. Frankly, I think that I don't really need to change how I feel about it. I'm still with him. I know 'Leah' would like it if I accepted him whole heartedly and understood everything. Then again, I would like it if he did none of this. We can't always get what we want.

But I'm here, and I'm trying. Some days I cry for hours. Other I'm fine.

Yesterday we want shoe shopping. It's was 'Leah's first time. He got his first pair of lady shoes. Everyone should congratulate him for it. He was very brave.

[BlUeDrAgOn]

Well, yes she was. Congratulations, Leah!

[Jenny Beth]

We won't bite your head off and you won't get banned for saying what you think. The fact you are here suggests you are looking for answers, that's great. Now quit your complaining and tell us about that shoe shopping trip... we're all ears...

PS.... We are a silly bunch, don't take anyone seriously.

[lindase4da]

Congrats on the new shoes and I agree that we're all ears. A pic would be nice too.

I'm a natal female single S/O to both a M2F t-gurl and a CD. I went in with my eyes open and offer love, acceptance, and encouragement to my gurls. I was not forced to have to deal with a lifestyle that choose me, I chose it.

For so many of the S/O's, partners, wives, when faced with the fact that their lifepath will now not be what they imagined, they feel betrayal and anger towards the perceived dishonestly, deceit, deception that took place in their relationship both in and out of bed. That said, it may be that your perspective of dishonest is not meant as a generalization of crossdressing, but as a personal statement of how you feel about your current situation. The tears are common when we grieve what we thought to be our reality. Our beings are shaked to the soul of our existance and we must first console ourselves before we can truly nurture our newly proclaimed partner and life together.

You are truly welcome here and know that you have taken the first steps towards acceptance. Where the breakdown often happens now is in our inability to trust. Once we feel that dishonestly has reared its ugly head we let our imginations run wild and question the honesty factor in everything. I encourage you to use this forum as a resource in your journey as a partner of someone who is being as honest as they can about who they are.

My best to both of you, Linda

[Shelly Preston]

Yeah. I feel like these opinions I have about him going out dressed as someone else will never change. Frankly, I think that I don't really need to change how I feel about it. I'm still with him. I know 'Leah' would like it if I accepted him whole heartedly and understood everything. Then again, I would like it if he did none of this. We can't always get what we want.

But I'm here, and I'm trying. Some days I cry for hours. Other I'm fine.

Yesterday we want shoe shopping. It's was 'Leah's first time. He got his first pair of lady shoes. Everyone should congratulate him for it. He was very brave.

Congratulations !!! not to him on getting the shoes but to you for being with him when he bought them.

Crossdressing is not the easiest subject to come to terms with.

It takes time and patience and even then it may never be enough to understand it all.

The fact you are here is a big step I hope we can answer all your questions

[Di]

sobe1ove.....Hon you said..... I don't have to right to question you guys or to not agree with what you think.
Of course you do...thats what makes this such a terrific forum....bouncing ideas and opinions back and forth.
And then you added
And anyway, who cares what I think? One of my main points is just that. Who cares what anyone thinks but yourselves? And your 'significant other'.

Right on to that...it is all about the two of you...what is right for one couple is not for another....and you being here speaks volumes...you will find what works for you both.


And I posted ....REASONS? How can anyone else answer YOUR reasons. because I was trying to say...tell her...what you feel...not what others think...

Glad you are here with us