Spouse needing help accepting husband being a c/d

[pennie GG]

HELP!!!!
I thought that I could deal with this. My husband of 30 yrs.He has been a c/d for about two years. I just found out about 6 months ago. I tried very hard. Bought clothes with him etc. But he now shaves his legs underarms and every place in between. I don 't have any sexual attraction towards him at all anymore. I 'm really having a hard even looking at him with any womans things on. I'm considering a divorce. He doesn't know how I fell right now. But when he disclosed his c/d he told me that is who he is. Does anyone have any of these issues?
Pennie

[AllieSF]

Pennie,

After 10 posts you can PM other members and they can PM you too. You will also be able to join some of the other Forums here including the GG forum that is exclusively for GGs (Genetic Girls). There are many who have lived theh same experience and can help you much better than I can. Don't give up hope. You have definitely come to the correct site to air your problems and recieve straight forward responses from others. Good luck.

[Tina Dixon]

Talk to the GG's for advice is the best hon, hope things work out in the long run for you.

[Jodie_Lynn]

HELP!!!!
I thought that I could deal with this. My husband of 30 yrs.He has been a c/d for about two years. I just found out about 6 months ago. I tried very hard. Bought clothes with him etc. But he now shaves his legs underarms and every place in between. I don 't have any sexual attraction towards him at all anymore. I 'm really having a hard even looking at him with any womans things on. I'm considering a divorce. He doesn't know how I fell right now. But when he disclosed his c/d he told me that is who he is. Does anyone have any of these issues?
Pennie

I highlighted the most important part of your post.

Before doing anything else. You really, really REALLY need to sit down with your husband and discuss this with him.

If you've been married for 30 years, and your relationship is a good one, you should be able to discuss your feelings and he, his.

[marie354]

When my SO first let me dress full time, I went straight into the "pink fog", so to speak. We went shopping, and started to re-do my entire wardrobe.

I now dress as a woman every day, (only in the house), and it had weirded her out a bit.
When I'd try to make love, all she could see was Sandy, even when I'm naked.
I've never been able to explain that I'm still the same person, just "en-lightened" a bit.

I'll admit that I do like dressing as a woman daily, but I do spend some time as Sam as well. Not as much as I used to... Only when I have to. I try to be the man she wants when she asks me to bed, but she still sees Sandy.

This has affected our relationship somewhat. We split-up last month and I created a 2nd bedroom for myself. She wants to stay together now, but I'm not sure anymore. So my femme side has poked a hole in our relationship too.

I'm still trying to work it through. Time will tell.

[susandrea]

Please, please, please go slow.

Carefully educate yourself about crossdressing by reading several books available specifically for spouses of crossdressers, starting with "My Husband Betty", which can be found on Amazon.

Education will at LEAST dispel any fears and misconceptions and help you make a rational decision.

Many spouses do go on to develop an understanding of crossdressing, and also tolerance, and it has even been known to draw a couple closer.

Here is the blog of Helen Boyd, the author of "My Husband Betty", and her new book "She's Not the Man I Married":

http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/

Learning is empowering, and will greatly help you deal with this and make the right choices.



Susan

[JudeGG]

Hi Pennie
I'm in the same situation as you - so you are not alone. I've known for a year and I still feel the same as I did when I found out. My marriage is in crisis and I dont know where we'll end up.

PM me if you want to - and get yourself admitted onto the RG forum - it's a cool place to be and you might get some sound advice in there.

Jude x

[Holly]

First of all, hi Pennie and .I have to agree with Jodie... you really need to sit down and talk with your husband and tell him in a non-accusational fashion how you feel. Thirty years is a long time to invest in a relationship. My wife and I have been married over 38 ourselves and she knows all about me. Your husband needs to reassure you that he is still committed to the relationship as well and be honest with you as to where he is heading. I can only imagine what you are going through right now, but I can assure you that your husband is scared and frightened as well. Finally, love is not at all about changing another, it's about changing our own hearts. Best wishes to both of you, Pennie.

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Pennie

My wife Marla GG accepts and likes my crossdressing, but over the 10 years that she has been aware of the transgender community she wasn't always as accepting as she is now. She wrote some posts about her thoughts and feelings both from the crossdressers and the wife's perspective. Here's links to the posts below. I hope they help.

You and you husband might not be exactly like me and my wife but having knowledge can sometimes give strength. Our solution was to talk and talk and talk. However, I do have to say in all honesty, my wife's baseline was/is perhaps different than most. She finds certain girly looking guys quite attractive - me being one of them, so me being hairless wasn't a problem for her, quite the opposite actually as she hates hairy men!

Rachel

P.S. In the links below my wife refers to me as "Angel" as Angel Darling used to be my screen name here.

Now I Like It, Now I Don’t: Understanding the Acceptance Pendulum
Accepting GGs: What makes us different?
Some thoughts on acceptance
How to tell your partner
Tell it To My Heart

[Amanduhrob]

Pennie,

No offense, but I seriously doubt he's only been dressing for 2 years, I've never heard of someone starting that late in life. Most, if not all of us have started very young.

That being said, there seems to be a lack of communication between the two of you. Talk to the man, explain your feelings to him, and come to an equitable compromise, one you BOTH can live with.


Thats my

[Krystal Lee]

Pennie,

After 30 years of sharing life you thought you had seen it all and nothing could affect you anymore?

You said he has been doing this for two years and you have only known for six months. He has wreslted with this lots longer than two years. It is possable he did not recognize this in himself and took many years to resolve it for himself.

You however got the load in one shot and it sounds like you are staggering.
Just take a little time and you try to adjust also.

Have the two of you ever been through anything to challange your lives together before? How did you handle those situations? Together or whichever one of you had to fight the dragon?

After thirty years on one side and six months on the other you have let the scales slip to the six month side?

Talk to him. The two of you need to comunicate now as much as at any time in your marrage.

In sickness and in health, for better or for worse. I know people think of that as trite but it is not. Think of the balance of your life together before you let those scales balance out on the heave end at six months.

I am not trying to come down on you, just get you to realize the totallity of your lives together before you call an end to things.

Hugs Krystal.

[cocopuff's girl GG]

Hi Pennie and . I too have been where you are. I can definetly relate. I was not sure how this thing was gonna go at first but this site really helped me just by reading other people's post to see how the CDer feels as well as the GG. First of all not sure if you know, at first I was like what does GG mean and what is CD. GG for me is genetic Female meaning I was born a girl with girl plumbing... and the CD is just short for crossdresser. I guess you kinda figured that one huh??? I definetly agree that before you have papers drawn up and totally make up your mind that divorce may be the answer I'd sit down with him and discuss it in detail. I think your marriage is worth it. It was awful at first cause there were so many things going through my head and as I'd have questions I'd go to him and ask. I remember there for a bit just hoping it was all a bad dream and I'd wake up soon and it would all be over. That didn't happen and then I continued to read that if this has been going on for a while most likely it won't go away and stay away. Yes it seems the Cder can stop for a while month's maybe years, for some weeks but most likely it won't toatlly go away. The way I looked at it was there are so many other things that he could be doing that would be so much worse. Since him telling me he has been so much more loving towards me and the bedroom has been hot if you know what I mean but it did take some time. At first after telling me he wouldn't even look at me and walked around miserable cause he felt ashamed of this thing he likes to do but then after we talked many, many times things got better. He and I set some ground rules and agreed that he'd go slow with it and give me time to adjust. He doesn't do it all the time and i don't think right now he wants to at least he say's he don't. The CDing is really something I still don't truly understand but bottom line, he's a goodman. A great provider, he doesn't drink or do drugs. He is respectful of me and my family. He doesn't cheat (that I know of) He doesn't have a gambling problem, He doesn't take his anger out on me or beat me. The way I look at it if putting on a pair of panties and a skirt or what ever makes him feel better once in a while it really is not hurting me . It may be a little weird but hey so are alot of other things in this world. I've known about his CDing since right around Christmas this past year. I didn't get to this point overnight and just keeping a open mind and seeing how things could be alot worse has helped me deal with this. PLease talk to him and tell him your anxieties and fears and what you can and cannot deal with at this point. Don't throw in the towel just yet. 30 years is a long time. I'm sure you've seen alot of rough spots along the way. I wish you the very best. I have been divorced too and had two boys and that's not a peachy life either. and

[MelissaAndProudOfIt]

Hiya Pennie

Is you're husband 30 years old, or have you been married to him for 30 years. As how you worded it, leaves us to assume one or the other, so a bit Vague.

Secondly, The issue's not a Crossdressing Issue as such, as you seemed to have agreed to buy him his clothes, if you hadn't agreed and didn't like him crossdressing, then I would see your point.

Third!.... His shaving of his body is the real problem, no longer has he got male hair, oh dear dear... hair can be shaved and it can grow, so how about compromise, say to him... sometimes he can shave, othertimes please let it grow, that way you can enjoy him as you like him, and learn to like his bare version too.. it really need not be the be and end all of a relationship. When you love someone, you love them with all their imperfections too... so long as they are not morally wrong or painful or harmful in any way....

Forth! (Most unbelievable part) You haven't even mentioned how you feel about his body shaving! I won't even mention the dressing part as thats actually no problem (or you wouldn't have bought him any cding gear!).. If you really love him, then really love, body shaving for a devorce case has to be the most unbelievable reason for a devorce. Then consider the mess of the devorce when compromise could have solved it all, through communication with him. As devorces are or can be very expensive and very lengthy, depending on the reasons of the devorce... your reason would be interesting, thats all i can say! I am devorcing my guy, because he shaved off his hair! MMm!!??, not to mention it would be embarrassing to him, to have such a matter brought to public notice...is that how much you love him...one can but wonder. I might sound a bit iffy here, but i really think this matter can be sorted out to the happyness of you both....love is about give and take.... so give a little, and take less. and life will become more colourful and less heartbreak.


Personally I cannot see a problem here, at least it's nothing a bit of compromise and time cannot put right.

If you love someone, you love them physically, emotionally and in spirit too

Not just Physically!

Next:

Whatever happened to this term...

"Treat other's, the way you yourself would like to be treated"


Regards


Melissa

[MJ]

Hi Pennie and welcome to the forum, i am sorry to hear about these issues but please try and sit down with your husband and talk about this, but don't make hasty decision if you love him you need to talk about this...
i wish you well

[Valerie]

Hi, Pennie,

I wonder if you feel that crossdressing means your husband cannot love you as before and therefore the marriage is not worth continuing. If you were happy before, I hope you give him some time and your relationship a chance. As you will probably read in this forum, most of us who have been married for many decades love our wifes with devotion. I can say that since I told my wife about my fascination with women's clothes and my feminine sense of being, my love for her has only increased.
Valerie

[Rachel Morley]

As devorces are or can be very expensive and very lengthy, depending on the reasons of the devorce... your reason would be interesting, thats all i can say! I am devorcing my guy, because he shaved off his hair! MMm!!??

That's uncalled for, and IMHO shows a complete lack of understanding and empathy. You're not getting it are you? ... it's got nothing to do with the hair removal per se ... it's what it represents

[Melanie R]

[QUOTE=susandrea;833659]Please, please, please go slow.

Carefully educate yourself about crossdressing by reading several books available specifically for spouses of crossdressers, starting with "My Husband Betty", which can be found on Amazon.

For the first book written by a wife who has her doctoral degree in psychology and cultural studies and is married to a crossdresser, read My Husband Wears My Clothes by Dr. Peggy Rudd - www.amazon.com. You will find the answers in this book.

[MelissaAndProudOfIt]

That's uncalled for, and IMHO shows a complete lack of understanding and empathy. You're not getting it are you? ... it's got nothing to do with the hair removal per se ... it's what it represents

Thanks for you're comment....

What does it represent, seems you are the one with all the answers!?

It Represents nothing! It assumes everything! If Penny loves her husband, which i was under the impression that she did. I was merely helping her to see the light, at least the switch!

Penny has nothing to be upset or afraid about, until she has spoken to her husband, If it lands out he's very straight then great!, where's the problem! If he's BI or Gay at least he finally came round to telling his wife, but thats her and his business not ours. What i wrote was in direct reply to what was wrote. Sometimes it helps not to be personally involved, but to observe and see things as they stand and not try to look deeper into things and let the facts speak for themselves.

Has Penny no voice to write in reply, that you feel cause that you needed to, if you have that right, then i too have rights, to write what i want to write, if i feel it will help. What have you wrote in reply to Pennies Plight, nothing. .. so there you go.. what does that represent! (Oh and if the Moderator read's this message!) which i sincerely hope she does, then i intend to stand by this right!!!

I have only wrote what i thought, it was constructive, ok direct too!

I did understand and i do empathise, as i am engaged and have had to face the same issues myself, so I think in fact I am very aware of the issues at play in this discussion. I was also helping by saying to compromise, which i have done.. and me and my partner have agreed this compromise, and the fact i shaved my body represents what!!!!? as surely you're answer to that question will be the same for me and for her husband. As the poor chaps not known what his wife has thought and said on this forum in his own defense. Now thats not very understanding or one of empathy is it.


Melissa

[tommi]

I agree with you Rachel that shaving all the hair off just makes it look to femme.
I think the biggest thing though is talking to your spouse Pennie,let him know
how you feel and give him a chance to adjust.
Please don't through away a 30year marriage over a hairless body without
telling him you do not care for it.
Goodluck
Tommi

[Kerry Owens]

Hi Pennie, ten posts, and you can pm the other GG members who are wives or SO's of the CD members (oh, but what a alphabet soup I've learned!) and you can be in our forum. It does help, honest and being aware that you are not alone helps tremendously. You do need to sit down and talk, real discussion from the heart with each other. Without this communicating it is very hard to keep a marriage alive...it's true of all marriages.
Looking forward to you being part of the GG forum.

[kerrianna]

Hi Pennie, glad you found us. I hope we can be of help to both of you. Do try to get your 10 posts and join the GGs, most of whom have experienced what you are going through.

As you go along, and please do try to be patient - you have 30 years together so it's worth fighting for - hopefully you will find some ways to deal with this TOGETHER with your husband, who might also benefit from joining us.

I'm not sure where he is in his journey, but my own experience has shown me that it changes and shifts as we discover more about ourselves. Many of us end up pulling back after we've pushed ourselves out, because we find some things just don't work for our own situations. Open communication with our partners is crucial to making it work.

I hope you two can at least give it your best shot, and we're all happy to help you do that.

Good luck Pennie.

[claireswife-gg]

Pennie,

Take it slow honey. This is a lot to absorb and adjust to, but like others have said it is something that taking it slow and communicating openly and often can help. I am married to a transsexual, not a crossdresser, so my case is a bit different than yours, but still it's a big life shift. Go get those books and read, and be forceful with your spouse that you need to talk about going slower or compromising. With lots of love and understanding, it is very easy to make this work. But you may have to give yourself some time to rediscover your spouse.

Good luck! You can email me if you need to - my details are on here and in my blog in my signature.


Melissa,

What Rachel is saying here is that you are kind of lobbing a huge grenade at the OP about the shaving. If you read her post again, you'll see it isn't just the shaving. It's that it is overwhelming her.

[Rachel Morley]

and the fact i shaved my body represents what!!!!?

All those exclamation marks.... you need to calm down Melissa What it represents (to me) is that in Pennie's original post she says "I tried very hard. Bought clothes with him etc. But he now shaves his legs underarms and every place in between. I don 't have any sexual attraction towards him at all anymore. (because of what she has written) this suggests to me that shaving his body to this extent represents a progressive step down the cd spectrum for her, it's not just clothes anymore, like Tommi says, it also represents a (somewhat) feminization of the body, and if she likes hairy men, then this effects her attraction towards him, (she said as much) which again is more than just crossdressing in it's literal sense, it's also (possibly) represents a betrayal of trust because if she has been buying him clothes then presumably they have talked about things a little, and if they have talked about the right things the husband should know that his wife is not totally cool with things as they are, so by going ahead and shaving his body without presumably mentioning this to his wife (otherwise why the alarm that he's done it), he is pushing the issue without any consideration for his wife's feelings.

I'm sorry you and I disagree on this Melissa, I'm sure you are lovely understanding and empathic person, but what you wrote (to me) seemed a little off the cuff and rather unnecessarily blunt to a GG who's first post on this forum was to dive in the deep end of the main forum to ask for help.

P.S. you said:

What have you wrote in reply to Pennies Plight, nothing. .. so there you go.. what does that represent!

I replied before you did actually (post #9) and I gave her my thoughts plus 5 links to material that others have told me and my wife they found helpful.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Pennie,

Join the GG forum. There are some wonderful understanding women there and you will be posting ONLY to women. GG stands for Genetic Girl, or Genuine Girl. You will find all the support you need there.

About your huband and his CDing? You need to talk. Talk, talk, talk, and then talk some more. Communication is the key here. There are sooooo many assumptions you can make if you don't communicate properly and many of those assumptions may be wrong.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[susandrea]

[QUOTE=Melanie R;833839]

Please, please, please go slow.

Carefully educate yourself about crossdressing by reading several books available specifically for spouses of crossdressers, starting with "My Husband Betty", which can be found on Amazon.

For the first book written by a wife who has her doctoral degree in psychology and cultural studies and is married to a crossdresser, read My Husband Wears My Clothes by Dr. Peggy Rudd - www.amazon.com. You will find the answers in this book.

Yes, that's an excellent one, too.