I was trying to figure out how to phrase it myself... Thank you Louise.Originally Posted by Louise Morgan
I was trying to figure out how to phrase it myself... Thank you Louise.
Jodi,
Time for some more thinking.
A therapist said to me once - What if what's best isn't what you want?
And I agree with:
Don't be controlled. I won't, it's why I'm single now.
You have to stick up for yourself, and be supportive at the same time. Tough spot.
Be sure to let us know how you are doing okay...?
Ammdi
--
PHR
Offhand I would say your relationshilp is over. Like in kaput, shot, wasted, totaled. Look for someone else.
I already said as much, but just to add to the illusion of numbers: DTMFA. Crossdressing or no, not only is your wife mean, but she's good at being mean. That television gambit was vile. She's poison. Ick.
I'm sorry to hear your wife is so controlling and mean it sounds like. No matter how angry I have ever been with elly I've never kicked her out of our bed. It's just not going to happen. It sounds like you two need to go to couples counseling. This sounds like she's insecure, and trying to make you feel guilty for crossdressing as well. I wish you luck.
Do you live, do you die
Do you bleed for the fantasy?
In your mind, through your eyes
Do you see it's the fantasy? - 30 Seconds To Mars- The Fantasy
I feel for you. That must be living hell, as old Johnny Cash would say. One day at a time. She sounds like she herself, is crossdressing, insisting on "wearing the pants."
Jodi sorry you have it so hard right now maybe your wife will letup on you good luck hun
Angie
First, I have to agree with Ammdi and what her therapist once said to her. I know many people who, for various reasons, have been given sound counsel in therapy sessions (myself inluded), to the effect that often what is in our best interest isn't the outcome we are thinking we want!!!
Second, IMHO, you are being manipulated -- and incredulously so!!! I don't want to sound uncaring, but your SO is walking all over you! Is it "guilt transference" as has been suggested? It certainly sounds like it! I'm sorry, but the hours she spends at her "hobby" plainly doesn't sound reasonable or believable! A "cover" for something else? Well, you've got to consider this as a possibility!
Next, I think you have to reasonably ask yourself what kind of person would leave you with all the responsibility that you have been left with, to pursue a hobby?!? IOW, I may be wrong, but the whole situation sounds very fishy!
Last -- and I guess we all have to do what we individually think is right for our own situations -- but regardless of your CDing, I don't think you should let her dictate the homefront! IMO, you've got to stand up for yourself and refuse to be intimidated! Whatever she's doing when she goes out for her long sessions, you have rights, too. If she intimidates you in the bedroom (loud tv, etc.), calmly tell her that this behavior is unacceptable and if she is going to persist, you'll move to another bedroom (or wherever) -- and then follow through if she pushes it. I don't know if you have heard the couples theory about how we should walk equally -- and what happens when one partner veers away and the other pursues, but it sounds like this is what is happening in your marriage. It takes determined strength to continue on the original path (or even veer a bit in the other direction), but if you'll do it, you'll most likely see her veering back to you once she realizes your going to stick to it!
I guess I have some strong opinions on this b/c of what I went through in my first marriage -- and what I have seen friends and loved ones go through (my wonderful second wife included) -- none of which had anything to do with CDing. An ex's guilt, yes, but CDing, no! Your wife seems to be using your CDing as a weapon of control. Life is too short to allow that to continue!
I hope all goes well for you! You know we are in your corner! I guess it just burns me up that your SO would use what she has to know is your true inner being to make you feel like a third class member of the marriage -- especially when you seem to be so giving and selfless in providing all the care that you do!!! My best advice is to keep your eyes open regarding her behavior and to begin to deal from strength!!! You do too much to be a door mat!!!
Barb
Last edited by Sheri 4242; 04-22-2007 at 08:09 AM.
Hi,
I think you are 2 years behind me as I am now in the process of a divorce.....was married 34 years and she found out like in year 2 way in the beginning. She never accepted it and it stayed in the closet ...she did see me dressed once , but ......"not good:.....she is a nice person but was very controlling and had anger problems.....we too grew apart over the years ...even though I loved her, her resentment of my dressing became just too much and her anger got worse......she was not girly in the last 10 and I mssed the panty hose and all the nice stuff .....she wouldn't them so I did and I let her know that part of the reason I did it was cause she only wore jeans, sweatshirt and sneakers..... Well that was the wrong thing to say....this just made us further apart.....there was no affection, hugging, appreciation .....I had a good job and made a lot of money, raised 2 good kids into adults and gave her everything over the years that she every wanted.....but it semed I never got back the love and affection that I witnessed in other couples that were married.....I wanted this,and the crossdressing......heck even any appreciation.........
So we seperated 2 yrs ago (I still pay everything) and recently we agreed to divorce .....I still remmember in December saying to here it'll never be like it was and I didn't think we could ever be happy again.....during the seperation I met a person that really loves me (but doesn't know about the cd thing) but does like my body shaved and is so much fun and we can talk about anything for hours......we have the affection and it seems like I'm a teenager again.....
It is sad when these things happen, another lady I know told me that if you love someone you do anything for them (of course not hurting anyone)....and I always thought my wife should cope and accept, she may have tried but the resentment grew ......my advice to both of you (although it probably won't work to fix things) is to see a counselor that is knowledgeable in cd'ing......if nothing else it will make you feel better about the inevetable......but there is a chance if your wife hears the right things (not just about the cd'ing) from a trained theripist that she may see where she has been dummping on you (like I had been).......and potentially do a turnabout......
Best of luck and I coule talk to you off -ine if need be as I am still upset myself about what seems to be a crime to throw away 34 years...
Hmmm. Well, none of us here have been dealt your hand of cards and asked to play them, but we all have been dealt the CD/TS card, and we none of us are new to the toils and troubles that that card engenders. But the CD/TS card seems not to be the sole problem card for you.
In particular the disabled child card seems a major one. Have you stayed with your wife because you feel an obligation to your son? Has she stayed with you for similar reasons? You two have grown apart, and you seem like your wife's caregiver or mother, more so than her husband. Obviously you both have rationalized yourselves into staying in a comfort zone - allbeit a very dysfunctional comfort zone.
I side with those who think you need to risk something, and maybe play your hand differently, outside that comfort zone. But, again, your hand is not mine to play.
Hugs,
'lissa
JOdi, I heard alot of my, my, my when you were telling us what she said. When did it become all hers. I think you need to take off the dress for a minute and get your nads down and put her in her place as far as this is ours. Perhaps she walks all over you because she see's she can. I've never heard of scapbooking that long, I don't have anything to scapbook that would take a weekend much less a night. I'd remind her of all you do too. Wait did I just say that ! Hey two can play this game why don't you drop in on her scap meet and see what's going on. I'm gonna be quiet now I've gave you plenty of amo.Wild Bill you are a trip.....lol
A different spin on this would be that when she married you, she married you as a man, not a woman. So naturally she would be upset for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes being single is the only way you can dress and be happy. It is rare to have a partner that supports you.
I think the situation might plausibly have a more mundane explanation. The scrapbooking might be entirely real, but driven by interior motives.
Imagine a woman with a handicapped child -- handicapped enough that someone has to stay home and watch the child. Imagine the woman's mother is also living in and is sick and confused. Now imagine that this woman is neither evil nor a saint -- and imagine that this woman is having a lot of internal trouble coping with the situation, and imagine that she knows she isn't coping well, and it really gnaws at her. Perhaps she feels guilt that she is healthy but her child is not; perhaps she feels guilt that she can't be a "good daughter" to her mother. Possibly she has even said to herself at times that "My child is having a horrible life; it would be a blessing if they were to die, and it would have been better if they had never been born"; and these thoughts might horrify her, especially if thoughts of putting the child "out of their misery" ever crossed her mind. Unable to cope with the difficulties, unable to cope with her feelings, she flees the situation to take her mind off of the trouble for a time -- and each time she flees, she feels guilty about fleeing.
Now, if this woman's husband is coping better than she is, then her feelings are magnified: one need not feel bad about a situation that is too hard for anyone to deal with, but if someone else is there and dealing with it, then the fault must be in herself rather than in the situation. Her feelings of guilt and despair are partly relative -- the better the husband is coping, the worse she feels, and the worse the husband is coping, the less troubled she feels. Unable to deal with herself, not knowing how to deal with her own emotions, she intuitively finds a survival strategy: make the husband feel worse, so that she would feel better. She might or might not be conscious that this: if she is conscious of it, it might just add more fuel to the cycle. Either way: attack and control the husband, tearing him down so that she can live with herself. As they say, "Misery loves company."
In this situation of the imagination, ideally the woman would seek out healthy ways to deal with her feelings -- but in the meantime, what the husband would need would be to learn how to calmly not be controlled and how to let verbal attacks "pass right through him", knowing them to be just noise with only as much power over him as he allows there to be.
We have a very close friend, Jayme, who for 21 years was totally controlled by a very aggressive woman who told him to jump and Jaye would say "how high". Jayme did get the courage to join our local Tri-Ess chapter and began attending meetings always wearing his beard. With some encouragement from several of us including my wife and and also Jayme's sister and mother, Jayme shaved the beard and came to a meeting dressed. And wow, she was drop dead gorgeous. The next morning the wife said shaving the beard and dressing again was the final straw and she was filing for divorce. Again with our encouragement, Jayme got a local GLBT female attorney to file for divorce. The wife was mortified that Jayme had the balls to take this step. 6 months later Jayme got the divorce, their house and most possessions and the total support of their 3 children and step-children. JNow ayme is one of the happiest, beautiful persons I have ever known. This wife is now one poor, lost puppy. Jayme almost immediately found a woman who not only accepted Jayme but encourages Jayme to be who she is and make up for those lost years.
Jodi, The question is do you have the courage to take the steps if neccessary that Jayme took to be who you are or will you continue to be under her control?
Hugs,
Melanie
I love being "gender gifted"! www.pmpub.com
Jodi
You've gotten some wonderful advice. The gist of the good advice is that you must insist on being treated with respect and will not be your wife's doormat- ever. Nothing is worth such a price.
Now, if you can summon up the courage to say this (and, more importantly, to really believe it), you have the beginnings of a marriage the way it's supposed to be. If she can't accept this new you, then the marriage will fail. However, I think that wouldn't be such a loss because the marriage you have now is not worth saving.
On the other hand, if she discovers a new respect for you, all things become possible.
Good luck to you and please keep us informed.
Sorry to hear that Jodi ,
I went through that stage around 3 years ago but today I have my wifes full support.
One thing that I did at the time of discomfort was to download a lot of reading material on the subject and leave it lying around , my wife couldn't resist and had to read it when I was at work.
By educating your partner on the subject you stand a better chance of tollerance / acceptance , also introduce her to the SO's section on one of these forums because she probably feels very alone at the moment.
Good luck Jodi
[SIZE=3]Merinda[/SIZE]
Hi
I like the idea of leaving reading materials around (though you may wish to leave them somewhere your son won't read them, if that's the policy of the house).
I have not told my family about Lisa yet, but I have been accumulating some reading materials to give them when the time comes, including the books True Selves and My Husband Betty. I'm not sure if I'm CD or TG or TS (though masculinity seems simply unfamiliar to me so it's a probably only a question of "how transgendered am I?") but depending on what I figure out I will also buy/rent a copy of Ma Vie En Rose.
I know from having ADHD that there are things (like ADHD) that people really have a hard time understanding because they can't see those things. Most of my family (if not all of it) doesn't understand my ADHD. The one person in my family who does understand my ADHD at least somewhat is my mother (although she makes mistakes like comparing me to people who don't have it, so I'm not entirely sure). My mother is also the only one who's read a book on the subject. This is why I agree that helping to provide some education on these matters is really important.
Your wife can see your clothing, but can not (visually) see the need to wear it because the need itself is an abstract, non-physical thing.
I hope things work out for you.
Hugs,
Lisa
[SIZE="1"]What lies behind me and what lies before me are tiny matters compared to the girl who lies within me.
-- A twist on Ralph Waldo Emerson
To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive.
-- Robert Louis Stevenson
Ubi dubium, ibi libertas. (Where there is doubt, there is freedom.)
-- Latin Proverb[/SIZE]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[B]"Luke, what we have here is a failure to communicate."[B]
Reading between the lines it looks like the two of you have not been communicating at more than a superfical level for quite some time. If you wish to save your marriage you probably need to consult a good marriage and family counselor.
It takes a real man to wear a dress.
Jodi, I was one who believed marriage was truly "a forever thing." Then, one Chrismas Eve -- after 21 years of marriage -- my ex blurted out that I could have the house, I could have the kids, but she was leaving."
CDing had nothing to do with this. BUT, after years of study, I knew that "if" any threat of divorce is out there (at ANY level), you've got to protect yourself! My wonderful wife had much the same experience. One thing we both can tell you is that "the second time around" for us has been a tremendous, fantastic blessing!!! One different turn along the road and maybe we wouldn't have been brought together - but I'll tell you this much: neither of us knew how GREAT marriage could be until we got divorced and found each other!!! I'm not saying you are headed for divorce, but it IS a possibility you really need to be prepared for!!!
PM me if you ever want to discuss this further.
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