Is it Wrong To Be So Critical of Others

[Kristen Kelly]

[SIZE="3"]I consider myself an active part of this community and after reading the blog of a "friend" (you are all friends just some closer than others) I was very annoyed. As a group we are looking for acceptance and we fight among ourselves, at times we as catty as women. Here is her post [/SIZE]

I had two realizations at a recent party attended mostly by crossdressers. CD's don't look like real girls, yet they all kind of look like each other. Just because someone throws a skirt on every 4-6 weeks doesn't mean I have a bond with them, or will become close friends. We're all just people, transgendered or not. Some people are more interesting than others. My friendships are based on character, personality and chemistry. Gender, sexual orientation or transgender plays no part. I'm good friends with only a handful of transgendered people. I'll stick my neck out and say: the transgendered community has its share of self-consumed people who are unable to step outside themsleves. It's a turn-off. P.S. Got my ears pierced. Finally!

[SIZE="3"]Her page shows over 200 friends those are large hands.

I want to modify the title of this tread "Is it Wrong To Be So Openly Critical of Others
My mother always told me, "If you cant say anything nice dont say anything at all"
[/SIZE]

[Kristen Kelly]

[SIZE="5"]My posted reply on her blog[/SIZE]

This community is all about acceptance. We do not need to make everyone our "Friend", we need to accept their way of expressing themselves. The CD that puts a skirt or dress on every 6 weeks is no less a person trying to express themselves, and in no was should you put them down, I dress and am out A LOT and always try to make the time to give back what was given to me, to get where I am, by answering questions and showing the acceptance and respect for others.
This is just another form of prejustice and that is so old fashion. Take a step back and take a good look at yourself next time before you throw the next stone. By expressing my feelings guess I won't be concidered a "friend" but since you say you have so few friends I guess I never was.

[SIZE="4"]Imus made a statement that all the apologies could not erase how short our memories are.
By posting this here it was by no way to single anyone person out but to open our eye to what we do and say every day. I appoligize for being vocal but I see it to often by those that transition to 24/7 who are better than those that dress when they can, and then those who go all the was to SRS and then consider themselves as women and forget where they started as part of this community.

With Pride month coming up very shortly lets hold our heads up and have a little pride in OUR community.[/SIZE]

[Tamara Croft]

Did you get permission to post a snippet of her blog on this forum for all to read? Is her blog private? open to all? or just friends? Because this section of the forum is open to anyone to read.

[Kristen Kelly]

Did you get permission to post a snippet of her blog on this forum for all to read? Is her blog private? open to all? or just friends? Because this section of the forum is open to anyone to read.

[SIZE="3"]It is a public blog she "LIVES" for the attention, as do I, funny we are alike in many ways, we both suffer from not knowing when to keep our mouths shut.


My mother always told me, "If you cant say anything nice dont say anything at all"[/SIZE]

[Elly]

um excuse me??? those who get SRS forget where they started??? is that trying to imply that transexuals started as crossdressers and therefore not originaly TS to begin with, am i hearing this right??? i'm not sure if you know what a TS is but implying that a TS starts out as CD is grossly mis-informed, many of us know from very early on that we are not just simply CD and never were, that we were born in the wrong bodies, TS is not mearly an evolutionary step in CD...

i was ok with your post up to that statement...

[Kristen Kelly]

um excuse me??? those who get SRS forget where they started??? is that trying to imply that transexuals started as crossdressers and therefore not originaly TS to begin with, am i hearing this right??? i'm not sure if you know what a TS is but implying that a TS starts out as CD is grossly mis-informed, many of us know from very early on that we are not just simply CD and never were, that we were born in the wrong bodies, TS is not mearly an evolutionary step in CD...

[SIZE="3"]No that what I meant, they started out as part of this community, I am TS myself, sorry you took it in the wrong way,this was not to single out anyone, but to try to remind everyone we are all hopeing for a common cause Acceptance of Who We Are and this is a diverse group none better than the other just different in their unique way
Thank you for pointing that out I have clarified it in the original post.

[SIZE="4"]With Pride month coming up very shortly lets hold our heads up and have a little pride in OUR community.

It's Brave to be Different, Be Brave Too, Accept Me for Who I am !
[/SIZE][/SIZE]

[Elly]

okies... no problems... gotta watch how things are worded sometimes, we all do, it's hard to get ones meaning across on the interwebs sometimes... sorry i lost my cool back there...

[Kate Simmons]

Kristen, I will say this. I love the diversity here and everywhere for that matter and appreciate everyone for who they are as a person. To me, the prime goal is being happy and comfortable with ourselves, not matter who those "selves" are. Whether we are TG,TS,GM,GG, ET and dress 24/7, underdress, overdress or don't dress at all, I appreciate people for who they are. Maybe we do tend to get self absorbed at times but it's a learning curve. Life itself would be a whole lot easier if we had an "owners manual" but we don't and all have to do the best we can. It's nice to be able to learn from one another and depend on one another though and I really wouldn't have it any other way myself. Makes life more interesting.

[AshleyLove]

I had two realizations at a recent party attended mostly by crossdressers...

This made me laugh on so many levels!

Anyone find it funny she followed her criticisms of people "who are unable to step outside themselves" with "Got my ears pierced!"
Geez, who cares about your ears.. think about others for once!

[5inchHeels]

My friendships are based on character, personality and chemistry. Gender, sexual orientation or transgender plays no part. I'm good friends with only a handful of transgendered people. I'll stick my neck out and say: the transgendered community has its share of self-consumed people who are unable to step outside themsleves.

My posted reply on her blog
This is just another form of prejustice and that is so old fashion. Take a step back and take a good look at yourself next time before you throw the next stone. By expressing my feelings guess I won't be concidered a "friend" but since you say you have so few friends I guess I never was.

I appoligize for being vocal but I see it to often by those that transition to 24/7 who are better than those that dress when they can, and then those who go all the was to SRS and then consider themselves as women and forget where they started as part of this community.

I think you're overanalyzing. In my opinion her blog entry didn't seem like it was discriminatory against CDers, though it does sound like she selectively chooses who she befriends. That's fine and her choice. If you were on a baseball ... err synchronized swimming team you wouldn't expect to be friends with everyone.

I also agree with her statement that the transgendered community has a high degree of self absorbtion. I'm still new to the scene so maybe that impression will change as I get more involved.

[Betty H]

[Jasmine Ellis]

i'm just glad we are all not like she

[EricaCD]

You know, it's very interesting how slight differences in the tone of our writing can have such a profound impact. For example, if I were to write "I have discovered that the simple fact that another person is TG/TS/CD does not necessarily mean we will be great friends," I don't think anyone would object. And if I were to write that sometimes I am not comfortable in non-trans environments among CDs who are simply "guys in dresses" (though I support their right to express themselves as they see fit!), I suspect that some people might disagree but nobody would think me a horrible person. And lastly, if I were to venture the opinion that CDs (self EMPHATICALLY included) are frequently vain, shallow and self-centered when it comes to their fem sides, well, nobody in their right mind should disagree...

Those three basic sentiments are generally the themes of the post that Kristen brought to our attention. And yet, the tone and the writing are so condescending and frankly hurtful, that Kristen felt compelled to reply (with a pretty admirable response, IMHO). Now I do not believe we need to be on PC tenterhooks, all the time, dumbing down our language to the point of intellectual mush. But by the same token we all need to understand that language is a powerful tool, and in this case was wielded--perhaps inadvertently, perhaps with full awareness--with a fair measure of cruelty.

And cruelty is something this community simply does not need from one of our own.

Flame away. PM me if you really want to get nasty.

Erica

[Fab Karen]

"transgendered community has its share of self-consumed people who are unable to step outside themsleves. It's a turn-off.

P.S. Got my ears pierced. Finally!"

Oh the irony.

[AllieSF]

I agree with 5 Inch Heels. I think she was trying to say that just because you belong to a group, popular one or not, your friends are your friends for many reasons and not just because you are in that group. Her choice of words and manner of expressing herself may need some work. But, as already mentioned above, it is hard sometimes to get your point across in writing when it is so much easier in conversation. There you can quickly rephrase what was said to help clarify it and take any un-intended sting out of it.

[Jodi]

Kristen, After reading through this thread, I am compelled to respond to comments made in your first post concerning "friends". We are all acquaintances, but we are not all friends. I have made it a habit throughout my life to choose my friends wisely. It has worked for me

I have been going out enfemme for about 8 years. When I go to a tranny venue, there are many girls there that I know, but usually there are only about 2 or 3 that I can refer to as friends. These are people that I have gotten to know, that have things in common with me (other than dressing), and ones that I can trust.

My experience has shown that there are many cd's that go out that tend to be very clutchy. They meet someone new and immediately attach themselves to that person. In everyday life, I have met people like that, and I have learned to be weary of them and keep my distance. Generally my judgement has been correct.

Meeting a person does not make them an instant friend. True friendship is like trust and respect. It is gained over time. I have my select true friends, but all others will remain acquaintances.

Jodi

[Fab Karen]

You know, it's very interesting how slight differences in the tone of our writing can have such a profound impact. For example, if I were to write "I have discovered that the simple fact that another person is TG/TS/CD does not necessarily mean we will be great friends," I don't think anyone would object. And if I were to write that sometimes I am not comfortable in non-trans environments among CDs who are simply "guys in dresses" (though I support their right to express themselves as they see fit!), I suspect that some people might disagree but nobody would think me a horrible person. And lastly, if I were to venture the opinion that CDs (self EMPHATICALLY included) are frequently vain, shallow and self-centered when it comes to their fem sides, well, nobody in their right mind should disagree...

Those three basic sentiments are generally the themes of the post that Kristen brought to our attention. And yet, the tone and the writing are so condescending and frankly hurtful, that Kristen felt compelled to reply (with a pretty admirable response, IMHO). Now I do not believe we need to be on PC tenterhooks, all the time, dumbing down our language to the point of intellectual mush. But by the same token we all need to understand that language is a powerful tool, and in this case was wielded--perhaps inadvertently, perhaps with full awareness--with a fair measure of cruelty.

And cruelty is something this community simply does not need from one of our own.



Erica

I mostly agree with you, though personally I'm not shallow or literally self-centered ( uncaring about others ) whether in boy-mode or girl-mode.

[Joy Carter]

"transgendered community has its share of self-consumed people who are unable to step outside themselves. It's a turn-off.

P.S. Got my ears pierced. Finally!"

Oh the irony.

Soooo! I got a second piercing.

[Minerva Morgan]

It depends on the criticism; there is such a thing as constructive criticism, but will the person take it in the spirit in which it is offered. I would suggest that for many of us, our feminine persona is probably sensitive to criticism, and probably there is a fair amount of vanity involved. I have heard, but not experienced, that in some groups a sort of cattiness develops in some persons. They complain if someone is not as 'feminine' as they are, for example. Then, there are differences in style. I have seen styles which I do not find pleasing; but at least there is a style. Too often I find most people, of both genders, make no attempt at style; just an unpleasant sort of uniformity. If someone presents themselves in a manner you find one is uncomfortable with, one might engage them in a conversation where they mention the area of discomfort (I notice you are wearing garbage can lids as earrings!) without expressing an opinion. Allowing the person to give their motives might lead to the opportunity to express an opinion in a helpful and friendly manner. I suspect some of us (especially me, as make-up is so mystifying) could use the advice of someone more experienced.
The writer of the message you quoted, I suspect, was attempting to make a distinction between character and personality. Character is considered immutable, but personality is variable. It is the latter variability that so many of us find confusing. What they seem to be saying is that, while a common experience should create a bond, differences in character defeat that bonding. On the other hand, the statement; "CD's don't look like real girls, yet they all kind of look like each other.", I think is offensive, and simply not true. Many CD's do look like 'real' girls, and seem to be not only attractive, but pleasant, and very real, ladies.

Love

Minerva

[Fab Karen]

Soooo! I got a second piercing.

You do realize it's not about whether or not someone pierces their ears?

[AmberTG]

It's too bad sarcasm doesn't come across very well in printed words, you really just can't tell if someone is being serious or sarcastic sometimes, know what I mean?

[JeanneF]

While it's not the most diplomatic way to say it, I think she does have a valid point. But, most of her criticisms of the transgendered community can be applied to humanity in general.

I've been going out dressed now for about a year and a half. I've met a lot of fun, interesting people, and a lot of (to put it bluntly) weird people. The only common bond being that we all have some sort of gender identity issue. Of the dozens of people that I've met in real life, I can only think of a handful that really have the potential to be long term friends (a few of whom I have met on this board, FWIW). But that doesn't really differ from the hundreds of people that one meets during the course of a year in the non-TG world.

It does seem that some T-girls feel that just because we both like to dress up as girls, we're going to have an instant bond. But that's not the case. Some people you just don't "click" with. I guess the best corollary I can think of is that I'm Jewish, but I don't instantly expect to be friends with someone else just because they are Jewish too. In fact, I can think of a couple of Jewish people I downright hate. But that's because of who they are as a person.

I guess what it comes down to is that I don't see her post as being of the "My TG is better than your TG" variety. It's just pointing out that just because we may have a shared experience doesn't mean we're going to be friends. We can be cordial with each other, and supportive, but friendship takes a bit more.

[Kristen Kelly]

[SIZE="3"]In this tread this individual as I quoted was not meant to be singled out, many of my friends are annoyed at her, and honestly I am too, she just got me on my "Soap Box Pulpit", and to show an example these are true feelings, not misunderstood statements, this is not the first time.
To put things in context here, its not what one person said, its how we act toward each other that I am wanting to point out.
We all have choices that is true but to think you are better than someone else is wrong. I am far from perfect and don’t live totally by what I say, but I am not openly cruel, I have my circle of friends but there is an inner circle and outer circle the closer you get to the center the more I can trust, confide, and expect and ask for "HONEST" criticism, not a statement to cut me down, just to build up yourself.
[/SIZE]

[JacquiUKTV]

"Life's journey is not to arrive...." etc.
Was that my erstwhile guru L. Ron Hubbard ?
Wonder if we've been around the same block ?

[Bobbie Jo]

Hey Kristen,
Sorry i haven't been in touch,but still checking on everyone. Listen i've been a cd for almost 55yrs now,and i still look like a man in a dress,i guess. I always try to look as much as a woman as i can, because i love to look beautiful,as always.
I can see where this girl is coming from. She just isn't comfortable with the way she looks, and try's to blame it on others.At least this is my opinion. I beleive there is very few of us cd'ers that think they could go out anytime by just putting on a skirt, makeup and a wig.I myself would try to talk to the girl and try to help her. If you think she's that much of a friend. We are not real women, but would just love to be....