Hi All,
I need to unburden myself and there is no-one in my life to whom I can (I know you are there but you probably understand what I mean), so I hope you will forgive me if I unburden myself here. I know I am not the only one who feels this way and I know there are lots of other people much worse off than I am - unfortunately it doesn't change how I feel.
I'm sad. I'm lonely. I have little excitement in my life. Work is good (most of the time) and I work longer hours than I probably should because I don't have much to come home to. I would love a partner but I have a social circle about as the hole in my sock! So, less people to be chosen from and even less chance of finding a partner who doesn't mind about Emma. What do they say? "Two chances; slim and none and slim just left town!"
Perhaps Emma is part of me that provides me with the feminine company I crave. Is she a substitute for a partner? I find it comforting to have a wardrobe with male and female clothes in it. It feels natural to me and homely. I can't explain it.
I envy women. I find them attractive and alluring, almost no matter what they look like. They make me feel good - not in a sleazy, unhealthy way but just good. I love their clothes, their bodies, their hair, their makeup, their variety, their shoes, their way of moving, their figures, their demeanour, their smooth skin, their attitude, their voices - I could probably go on and on. I don't find men attractive at all - list as above with 'no' in front!
I want to emulate women that I see. There seems to be so much that is good about them and so little that is bad. I want to have that variety and all that goes with it. I think it's a compliment but I'm not sure.
So I struggle on in my vain attempts at being more feminine knowing that I'll always fall short. I feel alienated from my masculine side and drawn to the feminine.
If I could take a pill and change sex, would I? Yes (family acceptance excepted!) Of course there is no magic pill and therefore I have to live with a constant sense of not being able to live up to the ideal that I would wish to aspire to. What a nightmare!
I know I have posted some really dumb things in the past and this probably gets in the top ten. I won't ask for comments because then I won't be disappointed if no-one responds (<---clue to how I feel I think). I just really wanted to say how I feel - and I don't think I've done a particularly good job. You can't write down 'a lump in your throat'.
Thanks for listening
Em