Struggling...

[Emma_Forbes]

Hi All,

I need to unburden myself and there is no-one in my life to whom I can (I know you are there but you probably understand what I mean), so I hope you will forgive me if I unburden myself here. I know I am not the only one who feels this way and I know there are lots of other people much worse off than I am - unfortunately it doesn't change how I feel.

I'm sad. I'm lonely. I have little excitement in my life. Work is good (most of the time) and I work longer hours than I probably should because I don't have much to come home to. I would love a partner but I have a social circle about as the hole in my sock! So, less people to be chosen from and even less chance of finding a partner who doesn't mind about Emma. What do they say? "Two chances; slim and none and slim just left town!"

Perhaps Emma is part of me that provides me with the feminine company I crave. Is she a substitute for a partner? I find it comforting to have a wardrobe with male and female clothes in it. It feels natural to me and homely. I can't explain it.

I envy women. I find them attractive and alluring, almost no matter what they look like. They make me feel good - not in a sleazy, unhealthy way but just good. I love their clothes, their bodies, their hair, their makeup, their variety, their shoes, their way of moving, their figures, their demeanour, their smooth skin, their attitude, their voices - I could probably go on and on. I don't find men attractive at all - list as above with 'no' in front!

I want to emulate women that I see. There seems to be so much that is good about them and so little that is bad. I want to have that variety and all that goes with it. I think it's a compliment but I'm not sure.

So I struggle on in my vain attempts at being more feminine knowing that I'll always fall short. I feel alienated from my masculine side and drawn to the feminine.

If I could take a pill and change sex, would I? Yes (family acceptance excepted!) Of course there is no magic pill and therefore I have to live with a constant sense of not being able to live up to the ideal that I would wish to aspire to. What a nightmare!

I know I have posted some really dumb things in the past and this probably gets in the top ten. I won't ask for comments because then I won't be disappointed if no-one responds (<---clue to how I feel I think). I just really wanted to say how I feel - and I don't think I've done a particularly good job. You can't write down 'a lump in your throat'.

Thanks for listening

Em

[Tina B.]

Emma, I think most of know how you feel, you don't have to be alone to feel lonely, some times you can be in a crowd, and know that no one knows how you feel, and that can make you feel alone. Some days are just real downers, but then other days the sun shines and things are not so bad. I hope you find that good day real soon!
Tina B.

[Tamara Croft]

I don't think there really is a magic word that could help, but you have a big extended family here and what you have written isn't dumb you're just letting out your feelings

[NewBetty]

Hang in there, Emma. I'm recently alone and I have asked myself the same question: am I dressing to provide/replace a female presence in my life. I have always found the company of women more enjoyable than men (tho I've never been as comfortable about being with the guys as I have these last few years). Don't let yourself have too many illusions, women are still human (not saints) and occasionally some have their own negative behaviors (catty, capricious, duplicitous, etc) but I understand how you feel and I think your post was a good move. My experience here at the forum has been comforting and helpful. I'm sure you'll get plenty of positive support for your courage to open up your feelings here.

[Donna Marie]

Hi Emma,

I think many if not all of us can relate to what you said about your feelings. I'm not working anymore - retired - but I am still active in my homeowners association and at church. But still, there are those days that creep up unexpectedly. One evening I was watching TV and something just got to me. I don't even remember what it was, but I just started to bawl out loud like a silly girl. Afterwards, I felt: a) stupid; and b) a whole lot better !! Go figure. If we could all give you a big hug it might help, but since that is not possible, I guess you'll have to find someone to do that. Anyway, please accept an e-hug from me!!

[Julie York]

You're not alone in your experience. I think everyone knows that dark horrible feeling of being all on your own, even when you are with someone.

The Cd thing....I'm having a very distant phase with all that but I do really understand that yearning you mention. It's like missing a girlfriend you never had. The smell of perfume, the touch of fabrics that only women wear. It's some trigger in the mind that you can't place and can't fill but it would give you so much comfort if you could.

But, having said that......Pull yourself together!!! Bloody wimp.

[Jennifer_G]

Hi Em

I don't know of the dumb things you say you have posted in the past but as far as I'm concerned this is not one of them.
You entire post could have be written about me apart from the "work is good" bit, I hate my job and don't seem to be able to find anything else at the moment.

Just remember you're not alone here.

Hugs Jennifer

[serinalynn]

See how Emma, Jenifer G and Julie york are all in the UK, the 3 of you could get together and maybe life wont be so lonely. You all Have a mutual interest in crossdressing. if or when you do go somewhere you'll always have a friend to go with

[alexis GG]

[SIZE="3"]Hi Emma, just read your thread and have to say that you are not dumb at all, just letting it all out. One day when you least expect it you will meet that special someone. It happened like that for me and my SO. The last thing I wanted at the time was a relationship cos it had only been a year since leaving my home and town cos of a violent partner. I was rebuilding my life.
A partner was the last thing I needed, or so I thought. We talked for 3 hours on the phone, then for a week at home..... got together after a week and 3 years on we are still going strong and getting stronger.
I suppose my message to you is don't give up......... there is someone out there for you, you just haven't met them yet....

alexis [/SIZE]

[AllieSF]

Hi Emma,

I think the loneliness may get amplified a bit when we are CDs. We are accepted here and in a few select places. However, since we are out of the mainstream, we are actually a very small group. We have to look very hard to find someone close by like us. Your posts are not dumb, nor useless. I always appreciate the openness when someone tells their inner feelings. It takes courage and good character to do that. As I have told people in other posts, my remedy for dealing with my issues is to talk about them with others, whether they have a solution I can use or not. Just talking about them helps me to get over them and to work through the low point of that moment.

Maybe what you need is some fun and diversion, like a good movie, a nice walking tour somewhere, whatever brings you happiness doing what you like to do. Go for it and thanks for your post.

[Jasmine Ellis]

we are a big family we are here to help one another and i do know what you are saying cos I'm the same as you time to time

[Minerva Morgan]

I share many of the emotions you have expressed, Emma. In particular, there appears to be nothing of a social nature for crossdressers where I live, otherwise I would be tempted to be more involved. The secrecy, the fear and most of all the loneliness can be extremely debilitating. And who can you trust? I would think that, at least in London, there must be an organization which you might join.
I can see that you make a real attempt at femininity, and you appear to be a very sweet lady. You also seem to be intelligent and erudite.
As for being size 22; well, so am I (although you are prettier), and we both know what to do about it. Perhaps that should be a primary goal for you as a step towards a more rewarding life.

Love

Minerva

[Nicole]

Thank you for sharing, Emma. Many times I have the same feelings... loneliness, slight envy/admiration of women (in a good-natured way), not enough people to relate to as my femme self, et cetera. I'd guess that at least 90% of us are in the same boat. to you sweetie.

[Brianna Lovely]

I thought for a while before responding.

A number of years ago, my wife passed away. After the initial shock and morning, I was cleaning some of her stuff out of the closet. I put on one of her dresses and cried for hours, I missed her so. But, after a while, I realized that she would always be with me, in my heart, memory and Spirit.

Although I've spent a lot of time, alone, I'm never lonely. For I have the Light and Love inside me, and I have the will to share this gift with others.
Although I do not have a SO in my life, at the moment, I still share my Love with everyone I meet.

Emma, please love and accept yourself, fully, then go out and share your love, with others. You will never be lonely.

[battybattybats]

Regarding dressing to replace a lack of a female presence in life...

I used to dress maybe a few times a year at most and I thought that was what it was. When I entered into a relationship, before it was serious but when it looked like it was getting that way (about a week into the relationship) I confessed all my kinks etc including the dressing that I thought could possibly derail the relationship if they turned up unexpectedly and to let her know what sort of person she was getting involved with. I explained that it was only very occasionally, that I thought it was from a lack of female company and that I didn't think it would be an issue for us, but as I didn't know for sure I thought she should know in case the desire returned in the future. Well about 6 months or so later the urge returned, slowly at first but getting stronger. When I realised it wasn't going away if I ignored it I gently broached the subject again. It was sort of ok for a little bit, with me not dressing but occasionally talking about it to get her used to the idea. She told me that I was 'going on about it too much' so I bit my tongue for a while then mentioned it only on occasion or sometimes when the topic turned up on tv or films etc. Then she tells me that if I ever dressed again the relationship would end and if it did she would not have anything to live for and would kill herself (at this point I'd been trying to encourage her to get some sort of treatment after she told me she feared she had depression) The same thing happened with erotica/pornography, something she also knew I liked from the beginning of the relationship.
4 years into the relationship and my need to dress is vastly greater than it was before and I think part of that comes from my working on my denial and self acceptance with a psychologist. The relationship is on the edge but I haven't given up on it entirely yet (which might be optimism to the point of insanity on my part).

The lessons I learned? 1. My need to dress is not about loneliness or a lack of a partner. 2. Emotional blackmail is a lot harder to deal with when it comes from someone you love.