So..I'm failing at life (the cry me a river thread)

[Wren]

About three hours ago i felt confident about myself and at 5:18 in the morning..less than 10 hours away from my last exam I feel like shit..

I've been reading over a lot of my old posts, ...an amusing and masochistic endeaver..I really hate myself. At first I would refer to myself as a GG, then tried to find validation as an FTM, then I was forced to remember my stage of trying to look REALLY female...

The hell has happened to me. I change the way I identify every 8 minutes.. Pocoyo asks me if I'm a gay male in a woman's body, one day I say no, and then the next day I realize that I just might be...

..I managed somehow to age about 4 years in the months i was gone, change my look completely and still hate myself.

I dropped a lot of the things I really loved doing, like coming here for example. I stopped doing karate, i stopped drawing, I stopped costuming, I started sleeping a lot, escaping, and lying..and generally hating myself.

I can't ever look the way I want to look... or feel like one person. It's like my personality is shattered..

I'm really torn between wanting to carry around my Coach purse and wearing pink dresses, and wanting to look like I cut myself while listening to "fall out boy". I can't keep up being two competely different people..Neither of which is me..

and..now I'm going to fail this exam..

sorry for ranting and not making any sense..i don't understand anything about myself, and ..i really do need to find out what's wrong with me, it's no secret that I'm depressed but I wonder what other things they can shove into my "mental health problems" file.

[Joy Carter]

Aw Wren. I hope you can straiten things out with your self Hun.

[Tamera]

Hi Wren,
Take one step at a time. Your putting to much on your plate at once.

1st you need to pass the test. A career nowadays is very important.
Put all your effort in that right now.

Come back later with a question of whats bothering you after you tell us "YOU PASSED" your test!!!!
LOL
Tamera

[sparro]

Hang in there, Wren. People change. And maybe in the past few months you've changed a lot. There are a lot of new things that you've learned about yourself, it sounds like. You've discovered a whole different side to yourself..and maybe the reason you've dropped so much of what you used to love to do is because you're having trouble accomedating this other side into your life. You've got too much on your plate, it doesn't really feel like it will fit. I could be totally wrong, but that's what it seems like to me.

School is almost over. One less thing to worry about and maybe you can start working on learning more about yourself and finding a happy medium between sexy boy and pretty girl .

[Tristan]

Hey Wren,

It's ok to feel confused. The process of finding your identity is a long one. Also remember there doesn't have to be a black or a white. There is a whole spectrum of how you might identify as a gender. We've been put into a gender box of what it's meant to be female our whole life don't feel like you have to put yourself in a new box of what it means to be male. Good luck on your exams.

[Kate Simmons]

Wren, we appreciate you and you are important to us. You just need to find out who you are and what your purpose is, we all have a purpose. Take it slow, my friend and give it time. You owe that much to yourself.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Good advice from Tamera.......I remember an old business adage...."How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!"


Pick something managable, like the test, and focus on that exclusively if possible. Then pick another small bit and go after that next. I'm 56 and I STILL get swamped at times and have to remember to just focus on one bit of the puzzle at a time. Life has a nasty tendency to come at you in overwhelming waves.


Emily Ann

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

You are what you are hun just take it slow, and ul find urself when your ready

[CaptLex]

The hell has happened to me. I change the way I identify every 8 minutes.. Pocoyo asks me if I'm a gay male in a woman's body, one day I say no, and then the next day I realize that I just might be...

..I managed somehow to age about 4 years in the months i was gone, change my look completely and still hate myself.

I dropped a lot of the things I really loved doing, like coming here for example. I stopped doing karate, i stopped drawing, I stopped costuming, I started sleeping a lot, escaping, and lying..and generally hating myself.

Don't beat yourself up, babe. You're testing, experimenting, figuring out who you are - as you should. As Sparro said, maybe you had too much going on at once, so something has to give, but trying out everything you want to try out is the way to find out what suits you and what doesn't. Good luck with the test, and when that's over, I hope you can relax and enjoy figuring out what you like (and I hope we're part of that).

[pocoyo]

About three hours ago i felt confident about myself and at 5:18 in the morning..less than 10 hours away from my last exam I feel like shit..

I've been reading over a lot of my old posts, ...an amusing and masochistic endeaver..I really hate myself. At first I would refer to myself as a GG, then tried to find validation as an FTM, then I was forced to remember my stage of trying to look REALLY female...

The hell has happened to me. I change the way I identify every 8 minutes.. Pocoyo asks me if I'm a gay male in a woman's body, one day I say no, and then the next day I realize that I just might be...

..I managed somehow to age about 4 years in the months i was gone, change my look completely and still hate myself.

I dropped a lot of the things I really loved doing, like coming here for example. I stopped doing karate, i stopped drawing, I stopped costuming, I started sleeping a lot, escaping, and lying..and generally hating myself.

I can't ever look the way I want to look... or feel like one person. It's like my personality is shattered..

I'm really torn between wanting to carry around my Coach purse and wearing pink dresses, and wanting to look like I cut myself while listening to "fall out boy". I can't keep up being two competely different people..Neither of which is me..

and..now I'm going to fail this exam..

sorry for ranting and not making any sense..i don't understand anything about myself, and ..i really do need to find out what's wrong with me, it's no secret that I'm depressed but I wonder what other things they can shove into my "mental health problems" file.

[SIZE="1"]Disclaimer: I apologise in advance if any of this doesn't make sense, I am feeling rather poorly and stupid today![/SIZE]

Awwww Wren Im sorry you're feeling so confused and down
It seems to be a theme here at the moment! Must be some kind of feeling-low bug going round hehe.

Awwwww poor thing.
I'm so sorry if I confused you with the asking you about being a gay man thing!

If it's any help I think that a lot of us feel similar at one time or another. Infact your post here sounds really similar to some I have done before.

Lately though I have come to know myself a little better and realise that any sides of me are actually still me.

There is nothing wrong with dressing however you want on a certain day. It really is ok to say that you are a boy... but sometimes to dress really girly. I know that a few of us like to experiment like that. And vice versa... it's ok to be a girl but sometimes to dress as a man.

I mean... if you CAN make an attractive girl... of course it's going to be fun doing it sometimes, even if you're not truly a girl. Same the other way round.. if you can make a cool/attractive boy then it IS gonna be fun dressing as one. Whatever floats your boat baby!

Another encouraging thought is that attractive people are often pretty androgynous and make good girls AND good boys hehe (check out some Calvin Klein & JPG adverts for example).

Also... I really have come to discover that... although boxes and labels can have their uses and be fun sometimes... that actually.. ACTUALLY gender is not a binary thing at all. It truly is just something society has cooked up. What about ggs with "male" chromosomes? What about physically intersexed people? There is no such thing as gender. Which is encouraging because it means it's cool to just be you.

However you choose to present yourself to the world. However you want to act, dress, speak, walk, make love whatever, on a certain day. That is all part of you. And it's ok

Please don't feel bad. I know you are confused (hey aren't we all?!) but I am feeling a little less confused than I used to be these days... and I think you will too. My mum keeps saying "you'll find your path, you'll find your way.. it will all make sense..." and even though when I'm negative I feel doubtful, I think she's right.

Btw... being up at 5.18 am and having been working and thinking hard it is very normal to feel down and have weird/negative thought processes. When I was doing my exams and had some stuff to deal with it was a very tough time. Stuff like that can really take it's toll on your stress levels, even if you don't realise it, and especially if you're not sleeping properly.
I am sure you will feel much better later/next day.. after some rest and doing some stuff that helps chill you out/make you smile.

I used to feel like my personality must be shattered too. I used to think "I scrub up so well as a girl... and people like me so much as a girl... that I must be a girl...mustn't I?" But actually... another thing I am realising lately is... just because you CAN make a good girl... doesn't mean you have to be one. Lots and lots of people can scrub up to make very attractive & "successful" females, as demonstrated by many mtf crossdressers on this site actually... who actually identify as men but like to crossdress as women... some being very gorgeous... but they are still men in their hearts. And obviously it works the other way round too.

For people born female-bodied, it's almost like there's a pressure to be an attractive and lovely female if you can be... but actually there isn't any. (And also there's nothing wrong with making an attractive and lovely boy!) It's all down to what makes you feel truly comfortable and happy. Whatever that is. Which might even be presenting as a gorgeous female but feeling male inside... or presenting as a gorgeous male but feeling female inside... or presenting as an androgynous person, or presenting as female and feeling female or presenting as male and feeling male... or even fully transitioning and becoming male, or not transitioning at all but feeling male, or partially transitioning to a stage where you feel comfortable and still presenting however you want. (Eg. having breasts removed but nothing else and sometimes being a boy and sometimes being a girl.) Anyway, there is no right or wrong way to be, it's just down to how you feel comfortable and happy.

I don't think this is "mental health problems" I think they are completely normal thoughts and feelings for any transgendered person, at whatever level. Confusion and analysis are all part of it unfortunately, seemingly especially for creative and intelligent types.

Good luck with your test and feel much better soon
I'm glad you came back here, especially if you are feeling so confused, 'cos there are people here to support you and assist you in your self discovery and if you're feeling down.

We're here for you matey!

There's nothing to worry about, you are perfectly normal (with a fun unique twist of course, if you want!) and it will all be ok in the end!

Trust me... I'm a pirate...

[bi_weird]

Ouch. Gotta love crashing right BEFORE exams are done. I've got my final paper due tomorrow, and I'm almost completely out of motavation and energy to do it...and it seems like no talk of "just 24 hours more" will convince myself otherwise.
But yes. Confusion sucks. Confusion that interferes with any attempt at a normal life really sucks. Are you seeing someone about all this?
So here's my two cents. Do you really have to know who you are right now? Some day you'll have a label. Or you won't. But does it matter to have one now? Wear your pink clothes. Wear your goth/emo clothes. Go out and buy some Ambercrombie boy clothes while you're at it. Wear what you want each day. Make getting dressed interesting...but yes. If you keep changing your label, then stop having one for a while. Make your label "confused and loving it", or maybe just "confused", and we can work on the "loving it" part. Wear what feels right each morning/afternoon when you get up, and accept that that's who you might be for that day. You don't have to know, and anyone that says otherwise is full of it. You've got enough labels without having to have your gender and orientation specified. Stop identifying for a while and just be who you are.

[kerrianna]

About three hours ago i felt confident about myself and at 5:18 in the morning..less than 10 hours away from my last exam I feel like shit..

Wren, what you describe I go through a lot, and I'm 48! (well, not the exam bit - that would freak me out now). What I mean is many days (most days) I go from on top of the world to self doubt and self criticism just like that. Even after all these years it surprises me. I think part of my problem (besides what ever undiagnosed physiological thing I experience), is that I have a very clever, imaginative mind, and it races to places I can't keep up with. I don't know if that's how it feels to you. I remember an old Larry Coryell song called "Are You Too Clever?" and somedays I have to tell myself to shut up and simplify.

I've been reading over a lot of my old posts, ...an amusing and masochistic endeaver..I really hate myself. At first I would refer to myself as a GG, then tried to find validation as an FTM, then I was forced to remember my stage of trying to look REALLY female...

I could say the same, altough I haven't been here that long. My identity has changed dramatically since I joined here and it keeps shifting underfoot. Makes for some confusing frustrating days and also some exhilarating days. I've decided to take the good with the bad and not be too judgemental of myself, because all of this, all of life, is a journey, and there is no right or wrong way to venture forth. Cut yourself some slack when you're feeling that strongly self-critical. It isn't truth-based.

The hell has happened to me. I change the way I identify every 8 minutes.. Pocoyo asks me if I'm a gay male in a woman's body, one day I say no, and then the next day I realize that I just might be...

This is part of self-discovery, hon. Like I said I'm still doing it. I stopped doing it for a long time and thought I knew who I was. What I was then was just numb and defeated. The fact you are pushing yourself means you are alive and vital and searching. Not a bad thing at all.

..I managed somehow to age about 4 years in the months i was gone, change my look completely and still hate myself.

You'll find peace of mind and expressions you enjoy eventually. This is partly a process of finding a self-identity you like. And you may be ok with that for awhile and then want to change again. Try to enjoy the ride and not be self-judgemental. Just let yourself savour stuff without wondering if it's the right fit.

I dropped a lot of the things I really loved doing, like coming here for example. I stopped doing karate, i stopped drawing, I stopped costuming, I started sleeping a lot, escaping, and lying..and generally hating myself.

Been there, done that. You can get it back. When I was your age I slept ALL the time. It was how I escaped the world. And lying. Escaping. Yep. Sounds like me at your age. Those are things you DO hon, coping mechanisms. It doesn't mean you ARE that.

I can't ever look the way I want to look... or feel like one person. It's like my personality is shattered..

It is tricky keeping it together when things want to fall apart. Rather than tackle the whole puzzle at once, just take it a piece at a time. Don't try to get to the destination all at once, because that isn't how it works.

I'm really torn between wanting to carry around my Coach purse and wearing pink dresses, and wanting to look like I cut myself while listening to "fall out boy". I can't keep up being two competely different people..Neither of which is me..

Maybe you'll meet yourself in the middle.

and..now I'm going to fail this exam..

sorry for ranting and not making any sense..i don't understand anything about myself, and ..i really do need to find out what's wrong with me, it's no secret that I'm depressed but I wonder what other things they can shove into my "mental health problems" file.

Wren, you might be clinically depressed, bi-polar, whatever, but you are also a complex creature and it sounds like you like to challenge yourself and the world. Those are great qualities actually. You just need to learn how to harness it better, and that will come with time, experience, and loving and accepting yourself, warts and all. Like I said, cut yourself some slack, and try practising the art of patting yourself on the back everytime you do or say or feel anything that you like about yourself. And try to enjoy the swim downstream. In the end we all empty into the ocean and become one and the same. You are not alone, even in your deepest pain.

[Wren]

A lot of good advice, I'm suddenly glad I did vent... And I wish I had time to answer each person extensively, maybe later, but for now....

I will keep a float, and I'm pretty sure I can handle it... Sometime things just seem piled so high that I don't know where to start, everything feels like it'll just tumble down.

Days like this I want everything just to be over. I'm tired of looking for myself, i want to give up and rot, ...the only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that one day I'm going to die. A morbid and stupid thought, but it's an honest feeling.

One prevailing theme is that...I really don't feel transgendered...*shrug* what is it even like to feel transgendered...

...I've been putting off seeking professional help although I've been urged to a lot, there's an fear of telling someone that I like to do weird things in my life...I don't really want to be labeled something by a psychiatrist and then feel crazy.. but it's getting increasingly hard to function properly...

I'll take some advice though and be happy about one thing, even though I hate the way I look I have genuine moments of clarity where I really like myself. I think I'm pretty/handsome. I think I pull off a cute little gay boy really well... and sparro finds me attractive. *smile* .it's superficial but it's something right?

Oh and..I feel calm right now, and it's really from just reading what you all have to say. Most people don't listen they tell me to shut up and stop being an angsty teen, despite not being in my teens. Hearing something that's actually constructive is plenty reason to smile.

[pocoyo]

Sorry to give you more to answer, it's ok you don't have to answer!

glad you have a reason to smile.

I know what you mean about the pile of things and stuff getting on top of you. It sounds like you're suffering with a lot of stress.

It definitely is worth seeing a counsellor, some are crap but some are brilliant and so helpful (like my latest one... whew!). And even the mediocre ones are good at helping you talk and work through stuff. It's good to have someone outside of the situation to work through things with.
Obviously we are here for that too! But it's good to see someone in person also sometimes.

Well it's probably a good thing that you don't "feel transgendered"... it means you just feel like you. Transgendered is just one of them label thingies again. It just means someone that is slightly differently gendered from the norm (e.g. have wondered about/played with their gender to whatever degree). And anyway, there's not even such thing as "the norm" because there is so much that other people keep secret. We are just extra cool 'cos we're brave enough to talk about how we feel


Seeing a counsellor person may well help you work through your thoughts and feelings and make them a lot more manageable. My counsellor works with these metaphorical pots! Where I put each issue in a seperate pot.. and then we work through them. It really helps to have things seperated and easier to deal with.


Yes that is a pretty morbid thought (your thoughts about death), but I guess it shows how tired & pressurised you are right now. Know this however, if you are contemplating harming yourself in any way... that is NEVER the answer. It will just end up hurting a lot of people. You will not always feel like this. If you are suffering from stress or anxiety or even depression... it is bloody hard work, but the great news is you can get better, promise . (And I know a lot about this shit 'cos I've lived with my mum having depression and also have had crippling anxiety when I was a bit younger and gone through some tough crap.)

It's really cool that you said you are pretty sure you can handle it.
See? You're stronger than you even realise.

ps. on a thread in the club house you mention something about life being wonderful sometimes.. and also you have a cool boyfriend, nice sparro and you look well wicked! Hang on to cool thoughts and feelings and things like that when you're feeling down

[bi_weird]

Here's my two cents on therapy. And this applies to everyone. You know why you should see someone? It has nothing to do with getting a label and drugs and answers. It's the pressure bit. Right now, YOU have to get YOUr crap together and fix YOUr life because it's all up to YOU and if YOU don't do it YOU'll be a failure or something. Once you walk into a therapists office, while you still need to try your best, there's someone there who'll catch you if you fall. I don't know about you, but I certainly don't perform best under extreme pressure...and when I saw a therapist suddenly I could handle my own issues so much better alone because I knew that I didn't have to do it all by myself if I couldn't handle it. Does that make sense?
And of course, beyond that, there's the fact that these people really can help you.

[pocoyo]

Very wise words Bi!

[Felix]

Hi wren not much advice I can give ya it's all been given Hun but I'll send ya some positive energy and lots of Hang on in there bud we are all rooting for ya!! xx Felix

[Dasein9]

Well, Wren, I hope you don't mind if I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you're wrong. About the test, that is. You've probably already taken it, but sometimes we do surprise ourselves.

For the rest of it, first off, and then more .

Some of the folks here are really wise. As are you. Is it imperative that you know everything about who you are? Can you function without answering every single question Right Now? I'm thinking that maybe the functioning will even help to answer the questions.

And keeping going because you know you're going to die isn't morbid, in my opinion. In fact, it's pretty philosophically sophisticated. The fact that we won't always be here is what makes stuff matter. If you already know that, you've got a head-start.

Oh, and one more thing... !

[Wren]

So my exam is over, I don't think I failed it..but "did poorly" comes to mind and ..thinking.. Slightly relieved..still kind of shitty and my gender woes still kind of stand. It's probably just feeling like everything is out of my grasp.. I went out after my exam, bought a skirt.

Sorry to give you more to answer, it's ok you don't have to answer!

You're kidding me! I love answering to comments, it's actually the cathartic part for me..just mulling over what people have said on 'paper'. My head is too clouded for ascetic contemplation. And so here I will impart..

I'm so sorry if I confused you with the asking you about being a gay man thing!

Please don't go feeling bad about this. It really wasn't what you said that sent me off the deep end, it was just an example.

If you keep changing your label, then stop having one for a while. Make your label "confused and loving it", or maybe just "confused", and we can work on the "loving it" part.

I've tried that, and what I have always found is people not believing me. One of my co-workers called me a lesbian the other day..that was tough to not kill someone over. Conversely I was lectured by a very religious peer that I was destroying society by being a gay boy. And then there's the people who i meet in daily life who just go ahead and assume. I really just want to be nothing... gender neutral. but sometimes... I want to 'pick a side' for social reasons..and I can't.

Wear your pink clothes. Wear your goth/emo clothes. Go out and buy some Ambercrombie boy clothes while you're at it. Wear what you want each day.

he..I don't like either, which is why I brought it up, some days I just feel like I have to overcompensate when I'm female, and I don't find myself to be masculine enough, i found the route of the 'emo' look of androgyny helped me pass best.. so it feels a little empty.

Yes that is a pretty morbid thought (your thoughts about death), but I guess it shows how tired & pressurised you are right now. Know this however, if you are contemplating harming yourself in any way... that is NEVER the answer.

I've had many failed attempts at suicide. Sometimes it seems like the easiest thing to do. I used to just think about it and watch the subways go by. Then I started abusing prescriptions wound up in the hospital.. I can't say that I'm 'all better' but rest assured I don't want to be there again.

In response to therapy..it's because I've been seeing every type of doctor you can imagine since I was little. If you can think of an examination i've had it.. my AIDS test..that was scary. And I am clinically depressed, i suffer from anxiety I have medication for it.. and I just don't like the dependance on drugs. I've been staying away from doctors recently, except when I've had to go to the hospital, I have a feeling something is different now.

I will take it one at a time, swallow my fear and go back to my psychiatrist.. that seems like a good step one..

Thanks for all the support. I do feel better to have support. Gleeful almost.. almost.. hehe

[kerrianna]

You sound like a really cool, interesting person Wren. I really hope you get to a place of self compassion and serenity (I don't mean like 'ohmmm' serenity, just a day to day I can deal with this serenity.)

One of the hardest lessons I am learning in my life is not to worry so much what other people think - about me or about things I believe in. I can't control what others think, not even what my counsellor thinks - she can think what she wants. What I get out of that is what I decide to put in.

I CAN control how I react to things and how I let myself think. I used to think doing that was some kind of cop-out, like oh I'm such a wuss, I should do this, I should think that. It was either that or overreacting the other way...you want me to be like that I'll be like this. It was like having spaghetti for brains, all the tangles.

Now when I catch myself thinking like that I verbally stop it. I won't let myself denigrate myself (I think I'm using my femme personna as a way of enacting it - like today when I called myself a dumbass like I always used to and stopped myself out loud by saying 'don't call yourself names'). I guess I'm trying to say it takes work and vigilance and time to change the way you see and treat yourself, and if you give yourself a chance you may find that you want to keep building on that.

Please don't harm yourself. Pocs is right. You will hurt the people that care for you and it is a wound that hurts the world some more. This world is all too full of hurt and every single little thing we do to make ourselves better makes the world better.

I'm glad you're feeling almost gleeful . Just remember the wheel goes up and it goes down, but it never stops spinning and sometimes we just have to ride out the down times. That's when you can come here and vent and play and catch your breath with friends.

[janedoe311]

and have time to "take the time". Do not make any permanent changes. You need to let your body and mind develop in its own way.

Some of us are late bloomers. We physicall and mentally matured later. So give yourself time. Thinks will work out.

In the mean time, Be a girl when you feel like it and be boy when you feel like it. Do not feel that you have to stick to one at this time.

Very few of us do!

[Kimberley]

Hey Wren,
Quit being so hard on yourself. Too many of us spend too much time, waste too much energy and get too caught up in the whole definition thing. Look you are who you are and how you feel. Who says you have to be male, or female? That is the binary definition of gender. None of us falls into it.

Who says you have to feel male or female? You can feel both ways and believe me there are a hell of a lot more of us who feel that way than are willing to admit. I have no such illusions. I was raised (experienced) as a male so much of my thinking is that way BUT my natural gender is female. I have both. Nothing wrong with it. In fact I think it is a big step to recognize that both exist within us and it is up to us to live with both.

Most of the F2M's here are TS but some are not. Some are TG and a few are CD's. Nothing wrong with any of it. It is no different for the M2F's. The trouble begins as soon as we start drawing comparisons between ourselves and others, and that is dead wrong.

So lay back and chill. Feel like short shorts and a Tee? Go for it. Feel like jeans and work boots? Go for it. If you try to circumvent your feelings you are headed for a nasty time and I wouldnt want to see that happen.


Kimberley

[Julie York]

Hmm most interesting.

I sympathise with your confusion and bleak feelings because...well, all humans have that at some time or other and it isn't nice.

But if you could find an outlet for your feelings and mixed gender images you'd probably do extrordinarilly well in a creative field. See, what you have is a unique melding of areas of the brain that most folk don't have joined together. It's like you are able to take a mental trip across a bridge of perception that most people don't have.....YOU'RE SPECIAL!!

If you ever became and artist or clothing designer.....your ideas would be truly amazing.


Can I have a cigarette now?

[Kieron Andrew]

Can I have a cigarette now?

nope!