Originally Posted by
Minerva Morgan
Brenda-Jean, my understanding is that, in most cases, wives are far more hurt by the secrecy than anything else. If you tell her, there are two ends of the spectrum of possibilities. First, that she will despise you and leave you. I must assume that, since she married you, she has some affection for you and that this extreme is unlikely. The second extreme is that she would be delighted and interested and supporting. Because of the negative connotations of crossdressing in society; this is also unlikely.
Let us suppose (and you are the best judge of this) that she will be shocked and dismayed and have all sorts of concerns, but still want to be with you. If you tell her, be prepared. Keep in mind this will be as difficult for her as for you, and be concerned for her welfare. When I came out to my wife, she freaked. In particular, she was concerned at the loss of a male presence upon which she relied. One thing that helped was the book, "My Husband Betty", which explains many facets of transgendered life. One thing that did not help is she went to a counsellor through her work who had NO knowledge or experience with related issues. So, be prepared to give her something to read that presents your case plausibly, and be prepared to offer counselling (for her alone, or together) with someone who can help put her at ease. Know your facts. Absolutely make it clear that you love her, do not want to leave her, etc.
Let us say that you do tell her, and she (eventually) accepts. Go slow! Don't flaunt, don't talk about it all of the time (tell her you are ready to talk anytime, though), be conservative and complete in dressing and don't go out and max out your credit card.
Begin with telling her that there is an aspect to your life of which she is probably unaware. Tell her that you love her very much, and are in pain about keeping it secret from her. Tell her that you are afraid to tell her because you fear she will over-react, and ask for her patience. Perhaps have a photo (looking your prettiest) ready. I have heard that some CD's introduce the subject by showing a photo, and asking what the other person thinks. I have also heard that SO's have found such photos and confronted the CD with cheating on them with a prettier woman; only to be (a little bit) relieved by the revelation. Try to avoid having 'rules' imposed upon you, or imposing them. In fact, try to avoid any ultimatums. Try for a compromise in which the both of you have time to asorb the situation, and eventually discuss it with some rationailty. Do listen to her concerns, and try to alleviate them.
To me, the question for friends, relatives and loved-ones is, "Would you rather that I was a cross-dresser or hit by a bus?" If they would rather you were hit by a bus, do you really want these people around you?
Darling, if you SO knows, a whole new freedom may open up for you. The question you have to ask is, "Can I give up being a crossdresser for the rest of my life?" If the answer is an emphatic, "No!!!", then hiding this side of yourself from your wife is dishonest. She, when she discovers it, may wonder what else you hide.
If you do tell her, and the worst happens, then perhaps you should not have been married in the first place. The results may be painful (very), but may eventually be beneficial. Divorce and separation can be very hard; but, if inevitable, possibly the best thing.
Perhaps my advice is simply wrong for you. I do feel that the longer you wait, the more betrayed she will feel, and the harder it will be. Also, I feel that if she can accept, both of your lives will be much happier. If you are successful, the next problem will be how to tell her mother? (Actually, I told her mother first. "Wear what you want!", she declared.)
Love,
Minerva