Oh no - I've fallen off the horse!

[Rachel Morley]

You know .... sometimes things in life don't go the way you think they will.

I'm almost at the end of my six day marathon of remaining en femme 24/7 and I've had a little bit of a jolt to my system because of a realization of just exactly where I am as a crossdresser, and my acceptance (or lack thereof) of myself. To cut to the chase, I didn't go to the nail salon for a manicure and pedicure. Why not? you may be wondering. The short answer is - I flaked

Here's what happened.

It was Monday morning and my wife Marla and I were all set to both go and get our nails done in a couple of hours time. I started getting this really tight feeling in my stomach and I didn't feel very good at all. I told Marla I was having second thoughts about going to the nail salon. Well, to cut long story short, we had a very long talk about just exactly what are my concerns about having a manicure when en femme. I told Marla that I didn't want to go to the nail salon that day or at any other time in the near future. I told her that I've come to the conclusion that I am just not ready for that level of interaction with the general public when I'm en femme because I'll have to speak to them. I said to her that I am totally ok and feel very confident about being out almost anywhere in public en femme, but that's because I don't interact one on one with people where I have to speak to them for extended periods.

She then said:
"Ah... I see, this is all about the speaking. Hypothetically, say you had a really good femme voice, would you be ok going to the nail salon?" Yes, I said. She continued "...and this is because if you had a good femme voice it would be less likely that you would be read? People would be more likely to think you were a woman?" Yes, I said. "Oh ok, I get it, you still have issues about people knowing, don't you? You are still not yet comfortable with people realizing you are transgendered and that's why interacting one on one is not good for you, because you are afraid of outing yourself." That's it exactly, I said.

Marla knows me so well. I then went on to say that she was dead right, and that for me, walking around in the public domain in a general sense is much easier because I don't have to speak or if I do, it's only for a very short time. Longer conversations give people more of an opportunity to detect me by my voice, and also a longer time to check me out. Yes, it's true.... I am still in the closet. I'm sorry, but I can't help it. I am what I am. I'm just nowhere near as emancipated as I thought I was. There I've said it!

Marla was very comforting about it all. She suggested we back off from pushing the envelope for a little while and that I just enjoy my dressing for what it is. Perhaps maybe later on we'll try working on my voice a little bit, but not right now. I feel relieved. I have fallen off the horse, I want to get back on .... but only on a pony! Crossdressing can be lots of different things to lots of different people, and I'm sorry to say I am not fully out of the closet. I might talk like I am an emancipated "out crossdresser" and intellectually I am kind of there, but emotionally I'm just not there yet.

Marla then shared with me that she had been told by others that perhaps I might one day have this problem because I always go out with her, and haven't experienced much independence, and therefore exposure to being read. It's true, being out en femme with a GG is cheating, and it makes passing seem easier, and when the GG in question is doing all the talking, the pressure is off. Also my slight frame at 5 ft 4 ins and 128 pounds goes a long way to helping me disappear into the background when we are out together. Of course at first Marla blamed herself for coddling me too much in the past, but I reassured her the shortcomings are all mine, and to be honest with you I'm slightly embarrassed to feel this way because it might seem like I'm ashamed to be a crossdresser. But I'm not, I love crossdressing and I like being out in public en femme, I'd just rather keep myself to myself and go at my own pace.

On a good note, I continued to stay en femme (I still am as I write this) and over the last two days we have continued to enjoy ourselves as "two girls" having fun. We've been to the movies and we also went on a cycle ride - both (of course) with me in girl mode. Finally, I'm not going to be too hard on myself, I've just come to realize I've got a little way to go before I can truthfully claim to be where others happily reside. Here's a couple of pics of me at the movies and just before our bike ride.

[Kate Simmons]

I'm glad the two of you are having a good time Rachel. Don't worry about the voice thing, it will come in time or at least you will get more confidence. You are very dedicated. Anyway, I know you will be fine and will reach that goal eventually.

[dabs]

Hey Rachel,

That's a very deep story. Which also has me thinking. I myself have been out in fem once. I walked to my car once at 3 in the morning hopein that nobody would drive by and see me. Yes I'm sure we all remember our first trip out. And there still are a lot of us who haven't. I personally will say I think the world of you to have the currage to go and enjoy the world in fem. I still dress in my apartment, and that's it. I have not even a little bit of currage you have. But to the point. You look beautiful and there is no reason to worrie!! I do understand the voice issue. But much like you have said, your probably going to prastice. And just lookin at your pictures I want to tell you I think you have no worries. If you still want to go and get your nails done. Tell your wife to find one of those places that only one of the people speaks english and you will be perfectly fine and that too would help take the steps to where you can go to a place that everybody speaks english and you can enjoy a conversation with them!

Good luck hun and lots of love your way,

Ash

[MJ]

awww thats not good , so you sound like a man , oh my god you have not heard me then ... well just for the record i was born a boy and got a guys voice and i am trans , it has not stoped me from doing anything ok the dress thing . Rachel you look great en femme just because your voice will give you away should not stop you my god you want to know my faults well watch what happens when i post them and see the replies and just for you i am going to post just to prove a point...
Rachel i wish i look as good as you and you have an understanding wife you have it made try again you can do it , remember i went to the salon in drab got my nails done and a brow wax and posted it how can i show you it's ok to be you

[Mitch23]

your wife sounds amazing - i like her style. shes not going to let you off the hook. I think a lot of us go for the best bits and chicken out on the reality of whats its like to live as a girl. I'm pleased to see that she is concerned enough about you to encourage you out of your comfort zone. I am sort of making myself independent because i dont have a supportive wife and i dont have friends to go around with. stick with it and it will make you stronger. and you do look beautiful and very convincing!

mitch

[KimberlyS]

Rachel, No you did not fall off the horse. You just were not ready for that trail ride and may never be ready for it or want to do it. Each and everyone in this world is different, not just CDers. Continue down the trails that you are comfortable with as those are who you are as a person. And enjoy your wonderful wife Marla for riding along with you and being flexible with your needs.

[Joyciecd]

I was preparing to start a new string before I read this post. After going out en femme so much as I do I believe that you will overcome this really minor concern. What I was going to write about was this: I had two nice experiences within the past week. Last Friday I had a blind date at a strange restaurant. Of course I went en femme, longer black mini, long sleeved soft pink V neck top, strappy pink sandals, rings, dangly earrings, makeup, etc. I got there a few minutes early and was seated on the patio under a nice shady tree. I had two fem servers who attended me, both addressing me as ma'am. I had a couple coffees before the date appeared. When he did, we had a wonderful lunch, dawdling over more coffee for about and hour or so. As I left and we parted ways, we separated at the door to the ladies room - all that coffee lol - with a hug and a peck on his cheek. I went in - he went out lol.

On Sunday - Mothers Day - I stopped at a nice restaurant, this time en drab - business stuff - and when the fem server approached from the real she asked, "have you decided ma'am?" My long wavy hair had her completely fooled!

The point is, I believe that the more experience we have presenting en femme, the easier it becomes and the more confidence we exude.

Two other points: I have my nails and pedicure always done at the same shop, sometimes en femme and other times en drab, depending on what else I am doing that day. The women that work there seem to love me, and fuss over me the same way no matter how I am dressed. And I have had some really interesting conversations with the GG customers, dressed in either mode!

When I am going out on a 'special' event like the recent Transpitt Garden Party, I go to my haircutter en femme but without makeup, to have my hair shampooed and styled - who can get it perfect alone? - and one of the other operators does my makeup. Sometimes there are GG's in the shop, which always leads to interesting conversations. You may be surprised to learn that there are many GG's out there with an honest curiosity about CDing, who always treat me with respect and dignity when we cross paths at the beauty shop. They have a zillion honest questions, and I am happy to answer all. I have never had a bad experience with a GG in that setting.

[Angie G]

Rachel you can do it hun tha girls at the salon will vove you
Angie

[LindaTS]

Hi Rachel,
I don't know if this will help but let me tell you of my experience. Years ago I used to go out with others and didn't have to worry about my voice. Fast forward to about 4 years ago. It was time to go out on my own, mainly because I couldn't find anyone else nearby to go with. I decided to try the mall first, just walking around to see what reaction I got. Nothing. No stares, no nothing. Well, things going this good I had to try Sears. Found a panty/bra set that I liked and headed to the checkout. Several women there but what the heck, go for it. Naturally the SA wanted to talk about a little of everything and my voice was terrible. It was no problem though, neither her or any of the other women at the checkout counter had any reaction. After I had paid for my things I left and said to myself "This was incredibly easy". No stopping me from that day on. Look out world, I was on my way. Sure I've been clocked before but I never had any bad reactions from anyone. I know what you're feeling though so try very hard to get over it. The world is ours.

[DawnL]

Rachel,
I appreciate your post. When I get to the point that I can say I have spent any meaningful time out I will comment further on your fears. Right now I don't feel quallified to respond to that.

I do want to tell you and Marla what a special couple you are and how lucky you are that you have found each other. My wife and I are completely open about my crossdressing and she is very supportive, even to the point of, tacitly, saying it is ok to go out. She even instigated the first time out, at night, in the car, went to Sonic. I sure hope that Karen will be as supportive in the future as Marla is.

God bless you both.

[Kieron Andrew]

Rachel, i see this probably very different to how you see things right now, i dont see it as youve fallen off the horse or even failed the task, i see it as you tried something out, it wasnt for you so you re-evaluated the situation, BUT as you said youself you are still dressed as you typed your post, that isnt falling off the horse or failure to me that is truimph! you didnt just say 'oh well i cant do this so im going back to being him' you carried on being her just changed your plans slightly! how many real girls out there change their plans at the last minute!....loads!!, so see you didnt fail anything or fall off any horse.......your task to yourself was to stay dressed for a week, what you did in that week was subject to change for a muiltitude of reasons, therefore task complete! im proud of you both ....oh and dont beat yourself up about it, it will happen in its own time, if it doesnt, then like lots of things in life its not meant to happen

[Rikkicn]

A wonderful story...thank you.
Your wife is what i mean when I say an encouraging and supportive spouse. she is helping you to become the person you want to be in a loving way. She's not pushing but she's encouraging. You get to decide what you do.
I've been concerned about my voice and tend to talk softly and it seems to work but I also pass and i think that once someone decide your a woman they may not pay as much attention to your voice.
Keep going out. Keep having fun and keep finding out who you are.
I've been full time for about three years and I'm just now starting to feel really, really comfortable with my presentation and deportment.

Thanks for sharing with us all

[Eva Diva]

I don't know your history, so excuse me if I totally miss it here. Just from a first time read, I get the impression that you're treating public female presentation in typical competitive guy fashion. It sounds like "I promised myself that I'd finish a marathon this year, but I had to quit at the 20 mile marker". I guess I'm not sure where that horse you were riding was going.
I grew up with a speech impediment. I lived with a huge disconnect between how I imagined myself - being charming with the pretty girls, having all the answers in the classroom - and what happened when I opened my mouth to talk. My choice - away from family and friends - was to keep my mouth shut in many situations and live permanently disappointed. Over a long time that changed to a significant degree, but it was a life-long thing that will never be resolved.
I guess in your case I'd need to know exactly what your goal is. Are you disappointed because you are failing your true nature, or because you are failing a fantasy that you've built up in your head? It's a rhetorical question - it's really none of my business of course. Just from reading posts here it seems as if many crossdressers have real ambivalence about just how far they want, or need, to take their dressing and presentation. It all depends on where you see yourself on the spectrum.

Then again, maybe I'm full of beans.

[Julie York]

The thing that is so often overlooked on this forum, and infact the while CD community, is that there is a great deal of confusion about the "game" of crossdressing versus the reality of presenting yourself as a genuine female in public.


Unless you are genuinely Ts, it's a game of "let's pretend" which takes place between your ears. It's a game of "let's pretend I am female" for just now.... here...for just a while...it might not be true...but let's pretend.

Very few of us are so commited that they want to risk playing that game outside a safe environment because that makes it dangerous. Being outed. Being made to look ridiculous. Finding yourself being pointed at as a guy in a frock etc. So a CD club is ok. Hiding amongst real women is ok. A dressup party is ok.

I understand your situation completely. Your fear is justified and very sensible. Unless you are in the mind set that requires you, BEYOND REASON, to express your feminine nature in public, then you are not willing to risk playing the game in a situation that may put you in danger......embarrass you...make you feel stupid.

You shouldn't feel like you have failed yourself or anyone else....You're just not willing to put yourself in a situation that is beyond the game. Unsafe.






I of course reserve the right to be totally wrong.

[Di]

Rachel, don't beat yourself up over this...it isn't a race.....and I always tell Sher...if it isn't fun or exciting and it feels more like torture like going to the salon........then don't do it. There might be a day soon when you will want to go ...if not no biggie. Its a journey you both are going through together...and thats the best Enjoy

[Kristen Kelly]

[SIZE="3"]Rachel good for you, it takes a wise person to say "Hey wait a miniute where am I heading, and can I get there from this path. You have not failed unless you give up and you have not. There have been girls that thought they were destine for GRS and have not done it, they did not fail they were smart enough to stop and step back and say what do I see for myself in life, same as you have.
All the answers here have been great, I myself have become very confortable with myself and going out, I had something to prove to myself and was always pushing myself always past my comfort zone. I have not dressed for more than 5 days straight without reverting back to guy mode, why because I have not had the oppertunity to, I would love to. I spent most of last Dec enfem other than work and by the end of the month was burnt out, took a step back and said now where am I going, it's a dance 3 steps foward and 1 step back.[/SIZE]

[Holly]

...if it isn't fun or exciting and it feels more like torture like going to the salon........then don't do it...

I think Di wins the prize! Why would you force yourself to do something unplesant or that you don't want to do. I don't play football because to me, it isn't fun or exciting and it feels more like torture to me! Who knows? Someday, if I develop the skill set and desire, I might give it a try. You may develop the skill set and desire to go to the nail salon. If you do, great! if you don't, so what? Be at peace with youself.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Rachael

Well dont know about everyone else but that kind of failure I could cope with

Some dont even make it out of the closet.

You achieved a lot and one minor change of mind makes you think failure

I would say it was a great sucess and I hope you have many more good times to come

[Butterfly Bill]

The only way you can be truly out is when you no longer want to pass. It's a lot easier when you can just use your own voice.

[TxKimberly]

I have been having a ball myself as of late and you know I STILL have moments and days where it scares me. Even on my best days, I start out scared and it usually lets off after a while.
My point being that your not alone, you have lots of company being anxious.
I also agree with the others that have said more or less "The idea is to have fun. If it makes you miserable then don't do it"

Kim

[RobertaFermina]

Rachel,

Thank you for sharing your refreshingly honest self-appraisal.
Where you are is not so important as that you acknowledge the reality of it. Moving forward in Reality is much more meaningful than advancing in self-deception.

Lady-Steps, my dear, I honor you taking Lady-Steps!

Roberta

[Rachel Morley]

Hi everyone, thanks so much for your comments and words of encouragement.

I think the main thing for me is that in this past week of dressing non stop 24/7, I have come to realize some things about myself and my crossdressing. I always wanted (and still do) to go out en femme to places regular women go to and do girly things just as if I was a real woman.....but (here's where the bubble bursts) I also wanted to be treated by everyone around me as if I really truly was a real woman. However, I've learned that whilst I am "woman like" I'll never actually be "a woman", and people are going to detect that, especially if I interact with them "up close and personal". I've learned that I want to stay in my fantasy and be out in public en femme in (almost) every place I can go but it's not necessary to go anywhere or do anything that makes me uncomfortable.

One of the comments on my Yahoo 360 blog from Rebecca (who is a member here) said it all to me. She said: "Once you get past the fleeting encounter with another human being and enter into a one on one with the general public that requires you to actually converse and relate with this person, the game changes. Now they get to see the personality, hear the voice, watch the movements, and given this wealth of information, will they piece it all together and say something that will shatter our world, or our feminine ego? Will they become uneasy, or find us to be perverted, or will they become hostile? All valid fears and all based on the self doubt that we have created for ourselves."

Julie York, in her post above, says a similar thing about once you get outside your safe zone, the rules of the game change .... especially when you interact with people up close. This is so true (for me). Now I know the optimists amongst us will also point out they they (whoever I interact closely with) might also be, curious, intrigued, and maybe even find it interesting and non threatening, but me being me, I always tend to side with the worst case scenario especially if I can't or don't want to deal with that possible worse case scenario. I don't necessarily mean hostility (although that is possible) more the guilt of feeling like I am unaccepted or just plain weird. It's crazy really, because a person could argue, what the hell am I doing going out dressed as a woman, when really I'm a guy, if I'm going to get all paranoid about being read. Well the truth is, I don't want to have to explain myself or justify my actions to a complete stranger if I can help it.

Thank you all so much for saying such nice things about my wife Marla GG. She reads a lot more than she posts here these days, but she is still fairly active online and in our local TG community, and of course, she is my mentor and role model and someone who is helping me in so many ways, not just helping me become more feminine. I love her very much for so many reasons, not just her love of crossdressing.

Lastly, I want to tell you that I've listened and heard everything you all have said, and it all makes perfect sense to me. I should enjoy my dressing on my terms, it's not a race, I don't have to get anywhere, and I shouldn't judge myself on how successful I can be on how far I can go. I have my whole life ahead of me. My goal was, and still is, to feel feminine and enjoy doing what I perceive to be feminine things, and if some of those feminine things will put me in a feminine environment that I am not yet ready for (nail salon) then don't go there. There's no prize except my own personal enjoyment.

Hugs to you all
Rachel

P.S. Marla and I went out to the mall and also grocery shopping again today. It was wonderfully uneventful, yet I had people all round me, especially in line at Trader Joe's grocery store!

[Alice B]

Wow. Do you have a great wife or what! It's great that you are comfortable about going out en femme together and you have hit the nail on the head for many of us wanting to go out in public, but afraid.

The gals at the nail salon would think nothing about your going dressed to have your nails done. I go every 3 weeks and although I have not had my nails painted (I remove the polish before I go) I'm sure they know I cross dress because of my shaved legs and arms and possible hint of polish not totally removed. Since my wife is now comfortable of my painting my toe nails I think I may have the courage to ask them to do it for me. So, go for it.

Alice B

[MJ]

there will be another time, at least you are out and about enjoy your time baby steps , guess i will save my dresses for another time
you and Marla rock all the best
hugs mj

[susie evans]

rachel
at first i was nervous i fell off a horse 9 years ago and broke my pelvis in three places and that was not fun but as far as dressing i think the other girls are right on if it is fun and you are haveing a good time great if not be comfortable with where you are and what you are doing it's your life and comfort zone

susie