My Father

[amasveritas]

Dear everyone,

First of all I am sorry if I am posting this in the wrong section, maybe even on the wrong forum - I just don't know where else to go with my question.

My name is Amelia and I am a 20 year old student. I grew up as an only child with a loving mother and father who have always protected me perfectly from their problems - I never saw their divorce coming. But they announced it almost three months ago, and about a year before that I started picking up on signs that they were constantly annoyed by eachother - they took it out on me and I moved out, which helped me get a certain distance between myself and whatever problems they were having.

I know that the main reason why my mother is leaving my father, is because he is, apparently, a crossdresser. My mother is a good woman, she is very liberal and accepts all sexualities, but she felt betrayed because basically he had kept it from her for 33 years and she says she would have liked to have had a choice in wether she would make crossdressing part of her life or not. My father had repressed his need to crossdress for many, many years - but when he was a young boy he already dressed up in his mother's clothes and a few years ago he started dressing as a woman again in secret. He doesn't do this and go out - his expectation was to make it part of his sexlife with my mother, but for some reason she couldn't do it.

Because my father has repressed it, and has had a very difficult childhood (having been beaten by his father if his father was present at all and growing up with a schizophrenic mother and two very cold hearted sisters who took after their mother in many ways), and has never worked through the issues, I think he is unable to accept himself now at 57.

He told my mother to keep his secret, and he didn't want me to know about it, which is why he never told me with so many words even when the issue did come up in conversation. I think a small side of him has the need to be accepted as he is and wants to tell, but the biggest part of him wants to repress it and wants me to not know about his crossdressing.

I am very open minded. I was raised to believe everyone is equal, and I myself am bisexual and would never consider anyone less or more because of their sexuality. I have no problem with crossdressing, and I don't think (but what do I know at 20?) that I would have a problem with my partner crossdressing at all. I love my father for who he is, whoever he is, and even if he doesn't love himself. He's my father, and he raised me with love and respect.

My question is: what can I do or what should I not do? I know that ofcourse every situation is unique, and believe me I am not suggesting that just because you all crossdress, your opinions subsitute my father's. But the subject is so sensitive, and I know he doesn't like talking about it - besides, he changes his mind regularly, one day saying he is a crossdresser, the next day saying he is not. I just think he is deeply ashamed, and I don't feel he should be because he is as normal and beautiful as everyone else is.

Still I could really use all of your opinions. I love my father, and I know he will not be getting therapy to learn to work through and accept anything - both his childhood and his crossdressing. And that is fine, I understand it, he has said himself that he is too afraid to face those old demons now. But I want to be the best daughter I can be, as I think crossdressing may not be for me but it is still a beautiful thing. He doesn't want me to know, he doesn't want me to see him in women's clothing... but I want to love and accept him as he is and I want him to know that.

Should I just tell him these things, even if I know he doesn't want to talk to me about it and he doesn't want me to know? Should I just do what I have done so far and just go on loving him as before and pretending nothing happened and I don't know anything? Is there anything I can do at all? Anything to make his struggle with himself easier?

I hope you can help me, and I also want to say I think you're all awesome because you follow your hearts and not everyone has the guts to do that.

Much love,
Amelia

[Holly]

Amelia, you don't give much to go on. And I always am hesitant to offer advice having only heard one side of a story. Let your father know that you love him and that if ever wants to talk, that your are there for him. And like you said in your post, love him and accept him for who and what he is, first and foremost, a loving father.

[stormrider]

Amelia,
When I read your plea, it brought tears to my eyes for I understand your father's plight and I hope I can help you in some small way. I have been a crossdresser all my life (yes, ALL). I am just a bit younger than your father and I grew up in a very strict environment where men were men and women were women. If you were a boy you did the BOY things. I was not abused, nor did I have a disfunctional family(except for me) growing up. I did grow up in the same era your father did where crossdressing equated to homosexuality, equated to mental disorder, so you kept your desires hidden.
I was married for over 20 years to my children's mother before we divorced, her reason was my crossdressing, mine doesn't matter. She made it known to everyone, that I was a pervert who wore women's clothes. I was ashamed and embarrassed and never addressed it with my children (ages 9 to 18). I remember the night my ex wife came to my door and gleefully announced the my daughter had found my panties. It hurt me to know that it hurt my daughter, as she was probably the most troubled by the divorce. It also hurt me to know my sons knew.
I had to accept that I was a crossdresser and a transgender and nothing short of death would end that. I also had to make up my mind that in spite of what people thought, I would be myself and like myself as the good and compasionate person I have always felt I have been. And that I was still a parent who had some very wonderfull children. That was over 8 years ago. My wonderfull daughter visits me about once every month or two. She lives 8 hours away, the closest of any of my children, and she says she likes to come up to relax and get away from the hassle of city life and a hectic proffesion. Although I know she has taken a very enlightened view of the diversities of human life (one of her best friends is gay and she introduces him as such even in our straight laced community), I still find myself being sensitive to dressing in front of her. She and I have never openly talked about my crossdressiing and my being a transgender, but we enjoy hanging out together without it being a big issue. I have many times said things about me "not being the perfect Dad" or "not being quite normal" and her response has always been a grin and "Hey, Nobdy is!". I occasionally wear a top or sweater when she is here and she graciously accepts that as the norm for me.
Amelia dear, your father may or may not ever be comfortable discussing his crossdressing with you. What you need to do is re-enforce to him what you have said in your beautiful letter to us. HE IS STILL YOUR DAD, WHO YOU LOVE VERY MUCH. Apparently despite his troubling childhood, he has been a good dad to you. That is ALL that counts now. If I were able to talk to him, I would tell him to start liking himself for who he is. Don't dwell on anything else right now. Both of you (and yes your mom too) need time to adjust to this upheaval. You need to find others to talk to who will support you. He and your mom also need to find support from people who can give it without prejudice. Love, acceptance, and time will help you understand what is going on in your family. This will be a rough time for you, but believe me it will pass. The hurt may never go away completely, but it will lessen as time and your understanding of your father progress. Be there for him and make sure he understands that you need him to be there for you. The both of you need to remember above all, he is still your Dad. Take care Amelia.

Michelle

[Dixie Darling]

Hi “amasveritas” (for lack of a better name),

Yours is not that uncommon a story. What your mother doesn’t realize is that, in all likelihood, your father has kept his secret all the years they’ve been married SPECIFICALLY to keep from hurting your mother. Regardless as to what he may say or think he IS a crossdresser and will be until he leaves this earth. But what he may NOT realize is that he didn’t have a choice in the matter. More importantly, your MOTHER isn’t aware of this either and if she would do some research into the matter I think she would be able to determine this.

The medicine, science, or the psychological communities don’t have any solid answers as to what causes some men (AND women) to have the need to crossdress, but most of these will admit that it IS a need. Aside from the mental effects on the crossdresser – and especially to those closest to him – it is not a harmful activity. It is common knowledge that the greatest fear that humans have is the fear of the unknown and society’s lack of information and accurate criteria concerning crossdressing is most definitely one of those fears.

The old saying “It takes one to know one” fits very well when it comes to understanding the emotional needs most crossdressers have since only another crossdresser can understand what these internal and deep seated needs entail. Since you’ve stated that your mother is somewhat liberal, perhaps this lack of understanding is one of the key elements that has led her to the point where the only alternative she sees available to her is to divorce your father and move on. If procedures haven’t already progressed past a point of no return, MAYBE some accurate information could help to salvage the relationship. If she can come to understand that your father has kept his secret from her all those years to KEEP from hurting her, then possibly it could put some light on the subject where darkness previously prevailed.

You have stated that you are bisexual, but you didn’t tell us what your mother’s opinion was concerning that. On the presumption that she is accepting of your bisexuality, there’s not any reason why she shouldn’t be able to be accepting of your dad’s need to crossdress. Depending on how it might affect her, she doesn’t have to be a participant when he dresses, nor does she even have to see it. However, for some wives there is a mental image which is sometimes conjured up which presents a stumbling block in their ability to at least tolerate the knowledge that their husbands enjoy dressing enfemme. Maybe this is something you can discuss with her and possibly help to save their relationship.

I offer you, your mom, and your dad the information available on my web site which could possibly help. It’s CLEAN and down-to-earth information that you might find to be of benefit to you. Also, the experiences of all the folks on this forum can be a valuable asset.

Please DO keep us posted as to how things progress.

Dixie Darling -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[EricaCD]

Hi Amelia - I think Holly's suggestion is more or less right on point. I would NOT bring the subject up on your own initiative. It sounds as though the subject of his crossdressing periodically does come up from time to time. Next time it does, just make clear to your father that you love and accept him, and are perfectly fine with the cd aspect of his life. You can also mention that he should never hesitate to reach out to you if he would like to discuss further...

....And then you should be prepared for the high likelihood that he will not take you up on that offer. Most men who are having a hard time with self-acceptance do not want to discuss their crossdressing, and I imagine that discussing with your daughter would be even more challenging. Unfortunately, there is very little you can do to help him accept himself - letting him know you love him and accept him as he is takes you about as far as you can go. That said, I am quite sure it will be welcome news for him.

Bless you for having such a great and constructive attitude. Good luck and let us know how matters progress!

Erica

[TxKimberly]

Amelia,
First, I am very flattered that you would come to us seeking insight into your father's thoughts and your situation.
Second, I am very impressed with you for making the effort to understand your father at all - your parents should be proud they have raised someone who cares enough to do this.
I think the advice Holly gave, and others agreed with, is the best. There are so many variables here that it is hard to say, but in many cases forcing the conversation can cause a very difficult conversation. It would probably be best to wait for the topic to arise. If you don't think it WILL arise and feel it is important to you or your father, maybe it wouldn't hurt to say "Dad, I know your a cross dresser, I don't care, and I love you." Also, remember that your Father is not the only one in this - so are YOU. If YOU feel a need to discuss it, then perhaps the same message is a good way to start.
It might help YOU to try and understand the time and world your father came from. When your Father was growing up, there was no Internet or any way for him to learn about himself, or to learn that there were so many others like himself. When he was growing up, society was not quite so "touchy feely" and under no circumstances was a boy, or later a man, going to confide this kind of secret to ANYONE. Not his brothers, sisters, mother, father, wife, or children - it simply wasn't an option. To many people his age this would have been tantamount to admitting you were not a man, you were a sissy and a pervert, something disgusting. He would have spent his entire life desperately trying to make sure no one ever guessed. Keeping this a secret becomes so deeply ingrained that it is part of you, something you don't think about consciously, it just IS.
Your mother has every right to be upset and hurt, but if you imagine yourself in his situation you might at least understand why he could not share this with her up front.
Today we have a much more open world, where tolerance for others is much more the norm. We see gay people on TV and in the world, we see people that are unusual, and we know that many of the people we respect and like in the public eye are not the accepted norm. We also have access to the web, where we can research ANYTHING that interests us. This is NOT the world that shaped your Father.
If your concern is for your father, just let him know you love him.
If YOU feel the need to speak with him about this because it is important to YOUR peace of mind, then tell him you would appreciate the chance to speak to him about it when he is ready. Don't try and force the conversation any more than you have to. I'd be willing to bet that if you DO get him to start talking, you'll have trouble getting him to stop! lol
Anyway, my very best wishes and highest hopes for you and your family. I personally would appreciate it if you let us know how this turns out.
Kim (AKA Matt)

[MJ]

Amelia

you are a wonderful caring daughter , you have some good advice here should you wish to talk to your farther then tell him you love him tell him you know and let him talk to you when he is ready

you see i know because i was there at one time .. i can tell you this was my deepest darkest of secrets and when i was outed " found out" it was all i could do to stay alive because of my guilt , shame , fear everybody here had to deal with this at some level .. i wish you well please let us know how it goes thanks

[O2B Barbara]

Hi Amelia,

After reading the previous replies I think you have found a place for you to get some support, both for yourself and possibly your father. There are many good words here with a lot of care and love. Your caring is apparent as well as your fathers. Trust in the love, let him know that you know and that you love him just the same. Be prepared to have him cry on your shoulder as his relief may be overwhelming. You might mention this forum to him and let him know he is not alone by any means. He already has friends here, as you do also.

Hugs to you,

[Valerie]

Dear Amelia,
I waited almost forty years before telling my wife that I had a great and profound desire to crossdress. As others have written in this thread, I came from a world where crossdressing was the equivalent of being gay and accepted only in camp comedy, and ridiculed there. I was very afraid, and my wife at first was very disconcerted. After a few days, though, she became my greatest supporter--she likes Valerie!--and I can't tell you how much happier we are. I would still be embarrassed to have my daughter know... The point of this is that if there is a real love between your parents it may help if your father realizes that you accept and love him. Your mother may learn from you. At this point, it may be worth while trying to talk about this. I send you my very best wishes, both to you and your parents.

Valerie

[sterling12]

Hi Amelia:

I would suggest you already know what to say to him. Take the last two sentences in your 6th paragraph and rephrase them just a bit. Just tell him you love him unconditionally, no matter what.

I think that's about all any human ever really requires. To feel accepted and loved.

I imagine your Dad is going through a lot of ambivalent feelings. It's not unusual for us to finally "come out", in our fifties. Can't give you a complete reason, lower testosterone, a realization that our lives are in the last third and it's time to fulfill some unmet needs. Repressing a secret for all of these years? All good theory's but nobody really knows.

The key thing for your Dad is going to be "acceptance", of who he or she is. But, he has to do it for himself. Everything gets easier for a Transperson when they cross this threshold. By just being there and your acceptance of your Dad, it's the best thing you can do for him.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Sylviaqwerty]

Well done Amelia you will see from all the other replies that you have earned our respect. With such a level headed attititude I predict a great future for you.
Just ensure that your Dad knows you love him for what he is. Including all the ingredients that add together to make him the personality he is.
If he wants to discuss his need to crossdress he will but I doubt he will want to do so with his daughter.
If there were not other issues in the separtion of the marriage then it is a shame that your mother took the discovery so badly.
We can undersatnd that she felt betrayed nut if she uses a littel empathy she will realise that this compulsion is confusing to us as well. We try to supress it and think that marriage will cure it. Then we find it does not but at what stage shuld we tell our partners, we put if off. there never is a good time.
Can you mother put her hand on her heart and say that she has never entertained any fantasy that others might not understand.
She should try to learn about the condition. Most women who have been through the trauma of discovering their husbands we crossdressers and then stayed with the marriage, find they have the most loyal and respectful husband that can be found.

[amasveritas]

Thank you everyone for all your kind words and advice - it means a lot and I really appreciate it. Also, thank you for sharing your own stories as well - I just want to say I think you are all so brave and I admire you all for being so honest with yourself and to your loved ones. I have only told my father about my bisexuality - not because I am ashamed of it, but because I feel he is the only one who wouldn't start pulling wrong conclusions (my girlfriends would surely be freaked out, thinking I have a crush on them now - and my mom has enough on her plate right now).

There were issues beside the crossdressing that drove my parents apart, because I think if their relationship was still healthy and she was still in love with him, she would have found a way to accept it. Or maybe I am just telling myself that because I'd want her to be that kind of woman - I don't know. I think beyond anything, it is silence that killed their relationship - they never fought, because they never communicated and I think that that is also related to my father having to carry around this secret that in the end became too heavy.

Thank you for all your well wishes, thank you for caring - and I will let you all know how it goes! I will be going to a movie theatre with him tomorrow evening - we'll go out to dinner and then go see Zodiac and I just hope that maybe something will come up that will allow me to naturally transition into a conversation about all this. I will take your advice to heart that I will wait for the right time to talk about this and not force it - I just want him to be happy. I will let him know that I love and accept him unconditionally, even when we never come to talking about this subject - I understand from you all that it is hard to talk about crossdressing to your children. I will respect that.

I just really want to do what suits him best - wether that is going shopping at H&M together or simply shutting up and giving him plenty of hugs.

Thank you all again, and I will let you know how it goes tomorrow evening!

Much love,
Amelia

[Angie G]

Ameila you are a kind and caring doughter let your dad know you love him and tell him you know and you are ok with that my dad dressed and I dress I wish my dad was here today so I could tell him I knew but he has passed on now.
let your dad know it't hot a bad thing and you love him
Angie

[Rachael]

Amelia. You say that you're only twenty, but your attitude and the way you are dealing with this is very mature and would put many far older to shame. You should be proud! I would only echo what several other members have already said. Let your Dad know you love him. The relationship between father and daughter is very special and letting him know you are there will mean a lot.

Rachael

[AmberTG]

I have no better advice to give than what's already been given, I just wanted to say that your father is so lucky to have a daughter like you, someone who loves him unconditionally. I wish you well with your father and his issues, you could be very helpful to him in his coming to terms with himself, just by being there for him with love and acceptance

[amasveritas]

Thank you so much for the compliments *hug*

It's sometimes frustrating to be able to handle this all so well, because it appears to be rare that people handle a situation like this one well: I can't tell friends about it, I can't talk to many family members about it who think it's weird - and that's frustrating.

I'm going to try and talk to my dad tonight and I'll let you all know how it went tomorrow - but it could very well be that I don't have the guts to bring up the subject, I don't know.

Thanks for all your support and kind words, again, it means a lot.

[Staci G]

As a father whose daughter knows and understands with a wife that knows and will not allow it, understand it, and gave me an ultimatum I was very happy when I had the talk with my daughter.. She likes Staci much more than grouchy dad lol. IMHO I think he might be relieved to know there is someone he can talk to. If he is anything like me he will talk about it alot at first, then settle down a bit
What ever the end I pray you have a good relationship in the years to come with him and I am sure he will always be your father no matter what he is wearing..

[rose382832]

amelia, you could buy him something nice, and femme, for fathers day( maybe a nice scarf) to let him know that you still love him however he presents. or give him a bottle of his favorite and wrap it in a nice dress( in his size)

[amasveritas]

So yesterday we went to see Zodiac and had dinner at Burger King before, and when we had some privacy I decided to gather my strength bring up the topic.

He said that he doesn't crossdress anymore, that he did that in a 'dark time in his life' and that it was his 'shadow alter-ego' and that it was just the result of sexual frustration and it's history now. And then he quickly changed the subject to what a wonderful daughter I am and wouldn't switch back to the old subject.

Thing is, I know he told my mother that he dressed up in his mother's clothes when he was young. I know that he told my mother that when they started dating he thought she would understand because she hung out with a lot of gay guys. I know it's more than just a one time thing caused by sexual frustration, and I would never be the one to call it a 'dark side' because I don't see anything 'dark' about it.

So what I think is that he isn't ready to admit it to himself, let alone to me. I could tell that he was telling himself all this more than he was telling me. And I can't fix it. He seemed determined, it was his choice to lable this his 'dark side' and pretend it's not part of him, when I know about those things he told my mother and they indicate something else.

So I held his hand, told him that "even if he still was a crossdresser, that would be totally okay, I would completely accept him and love him for who he is and I would never even think of being ashamed of him because it's nothing to feel ashamed about".

I feel that this is as good as it's gonna get. Wether he means it or not, that this was only out of 'sexual frustration'. But I don't believe it because it's obviously been part of his life before that sexual frustration, and it wasn't just 'curiosity' like he said because he asked my mother to participate in it more than once, and that period of sexual frustration (he had some libido problems after a major surgery and the medication that came with that) lasted for three years.

But like I said: I tried, he knows I love him, and I know he wasn't completely honest with me as he said he had never done anything like that before - so it wouldn't surprise me if everything he said was just expression of denial.

Thank you all for your wonderful advice, though - I'm glad I got the chance to say that I love him unconditionally!

[O2B Barbara]

Good for you, that took a lot of courage. At least you were able to tell him how you feel and that he has nothing to fear where you are concerned. It is a relief for you and I would imagaine one for him as well. This may open other doors of communication in the future, it may just take a bit of time.

Hugs,

[Kelsy]

Amelia,

[SIZE="3"]I am a father of three and have a 24 yearold daughter. I have been a crossdresser from the age of ten years but due to fear of rejection, shame,and the desire not to complicate my childrens lives I have chosen to keep it secret from them. It is wonderful that you are so open minded and I beleive that the best thing you can offer your father is complete acceptance and love. Please take time and learn as much as you can about crossdressing and the transgendered. I believe it will serve you well. You may be able to help educate your mother. If and when the subject comes up be gentile and understanding. Your father is still the person you love and I am sure he loves you very much. Your Mother and Father and You are not alone in this, You have made a wise decision to seek help here. There are wonderful, knowledgable and caring people - male and female- here on this site that are willing to lend a hand. Best wishes hope all goes well.


Jennifer[/SIZE]

[amasveritas]

Barbara It was indeed very hard for me to bring up the subject. He'd just gotten me icecream, and there was no-one else around and I knew it was the only time that evening we'd have privacy to talk about this - I said a little prayer and just jumped into the deep hoping he would be okay as well if I did. I hope he will someday stop feeling like this is something he has to hide away or lable as 'his dark side', because if this is part of him I'd rather celebrate it than treat it like it's something to be ashamed of. Life is too short to be ashamed

Jennifer - it was amazing to hear what you had to say because you also have a daughter near my age, and you have chosen not to tell her (or your other children) like my dad obviously has. What I feel my dad doesn't have in common with you, is the fact that I suspect he can't even admit it to himself... it's awesome that you can and that when you decide not to talk about it with your kids it is an honest, well thought through decision.

Thanks again all for your kind words!

[Kyoko]

AMEILA,
THANK YOU FOR YOUR STORY.I THINK YOU ARE A WONDERFUL DAUGHTER.
YOUR FATHER IS ABOUT THE SAME AGE AS MY FRIEND,MMMMMMMMMMM
SO,I MUST ASK IF YOUR FATHER IS MY FRIEND.MAYBE AND MAYBE NOT.
DO,YOU AND YOUR FATHER LIVE IN THE DALLAS,TX AREA?PLEASE E-MAIL ME
A MESSAGE AT,......jyojitamai@yahoo.com THANK YOU

[amasveritas]

No, I'm actually in Europe so I'm sure it's not him

[Lisa Baby]

Hello Amelia

I know that others have said these things before, but they do merrit being repeated.

You could copy your thread and either mail, or Email, it to your father.

You could send a typed and unsigned message via the postal system, saying that you, not useing your name, know of his struggles and he might want to visit Crossdressers.com for information on how to deal with his confusion. Be carefull though, this could back fire on you and scare him into an unexpected reaction to it.

You should also state, very clearly, that you have no intention of ever telling any other individual any part of what you do know about him. You are a friend who cares about his happines and wish him only the best for his future.

The future is an unmapped road with many turns that go to unknown places.

He is a very lucky man to have a daughter who cares so much about him. Continue to express your support of him in everything he does

Best of luck to you and your father.

Lisa Baby