Aargh the frustration of being seen wrongly

[pocoyo]

Urgh.

I am fed up of people seeing me wrongly.

It really "hurts"... not like physical pain... but hurts somewhere deep in my heart.

Yeah you guys & girls on here see me right... (apart from the odd person that doesn't really know about ftms and gets it wrong).

And most of the people in my life do (because my main life is online because I've cut any other unneccesary "real life" people off due to them seeing me wrongly).

So I have this whole internet life where I am allowed to be the real me.
And it f*cking gets to me when people in real life (for instance a new friend that I was basically forced to befriend) totally gets me wrong. Especially as he/she is apparently transgendered themself.

Makes me want to yell at them (scream in their face is how I put it to them via text message lol), and show them my videos and photos and prove it.

But it's like the only way to PROVE that I'm a boy is to transition.
And I'm not sure I'm ready for that/should do that.

Bring on the f*cking verdict of "intersexed" so I can have the girl bits lopped off and get on with being a boy. Gah!

Bah! :mad:

[Cai]

I have no advice, but I'll leave these.

[pocoyo]

Awww thank you very much!

Also Cai.. I wanted to say to you thank you for the 1st comment you left on the hug thread... because I was posting at the same time as u... i had missed it until I read that thread through again the other day. So.. thanks dude very much appreciated .

[Cai]

Awww thank you very much!

Also Cai.. I wanted to say to you thank you for the 1st comment you left on the hug thread... because I was posting at the same time as u... i had missed it until I read that thread through again the other day. So.. thanks dude very much appreciated .

No problem. I've been working on some of those same questions myself, so it was good to know I'm not alone in wondering.

[pocoyo]

2 of the texts I sent:

I just feel like screaming at you I AM THIS DUDE... LOOK!
But don't feel bad. Lots of people don't get me.
I could show you these videos and more photos then you would.
But it feels like an invasion of my "real life". That no one in my actual life will get unless I transition.
Yep I can make a pretty girl & put on a girly act. But that don't mean that's who I really am or should be.

---- and

I'm perfectly well thank u, apart from tonsilitus. I am just sick to the back teeth of people seeing me wrongly, I have a whole proper real life where I'm a boy & it hurts so much when people don't get me. Especially apparently transgendered people who should understand. it just makes me want to say leave me alone.

I have also realised it's his/her PUSHYness that's upsetting me as well.. really wanting me to speak on the phone, even though I'm not comfy with that.

And saying he/she can really see the real me.. my soul.. past gender....
Well I can feel for a fact that they can't!! and yet because they are from a psychic family they seem to think they know everything about stuff like that!
And it's so controlling... apparently his/her mum (who is psychic) said that we are meant to be together.. she just knows it.
Euurgh!! No we are NOT!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr :mad:

Yeah i think I forgot to mention that.. btw this person sort of really likes me and wants to be with me *sigh*. They seem quite pushy about that too. (Even though I have repeatedly made it clear I don't want a relationship).

[Kieron Andrew]

Poc have some more dude



I dont know what to say, yes it totally bites that people just dont get it sometimes, but if they are not willing to at least meet you half way and understand are they really worth knowing and trying to explain to......you know who you are and thats all that matters....and those that care about you know too....

[pocoyo]

Poc have some more dude

thank you dude

I dont know what to say, yes it totally bites that people just dont get it sometimes, but if they are not willing to at least meet you half way and understand are they really worth knowing and trying to explain to......you know who you are and thats all that matters....and those that care about you know too....

You are 100 % right. Thank u dude.
*more hugs*

[Kieron Andrew]

*more hugs*

hmmm you're just wanting the hugs from me for the sake of it now arent you ......typical i dont give em out often and he wants more lol

[Marla S]

Urgh.

These miserable feelings creeping slowly up the backbone, circling a while in the brain stem, and doing handshake with some old frustrations, before they smash right in your face are evil as hell.

Fight them. Don't let them control your life.

.... stupid me ... I myself have no recipe to do that ... but I constantly try.

Bla bla ....

I wished I'd had something useful to offer ... but I don't.



You are the MAN (besides the other here) even if they call you mam. Be aware of that.

[pocoyo]

hmmm you're just wanting the hugs from me for the sake of it now arent you ......typical i dont give em out often and he wants more lol

Yus *sulky little boy face*

[pocoyo]

Urgh.

These miserable feelings creeping slowly up the backbone, circling a while in the brain stem, and doing handshake with some old frustrations, before they smash right in your face are evil as hell.

Fight them. Don't let them control your life.

.... stupid me ... I myself have no recipe to do that ... but I constantly try.

Bla bla ....

I wished I'd had something useful to offer ... but I don't.



You are the MAN (besides the other here) even if they call you mam. Be aware of that.

awww thanks Marla *hugs*

hey your hugs were very useful

btw.. if anyone called me ma'am I'd really correct them at super speed lol

[Kieron Andrew]

Yus *sulky little boy face*

oh ffs!!! here you go
now dont go asking for more, otherwise everyone will start wanting them

[bi_weird]

Aww Poc! That sucks muchly. What me to be up that person for you? That sucks that they're being so pushy and annoying. *hugs*

[pocoyo]

Hehe Kieron! Thank u very much for extra hugs!

Bi yes please... and yes the pushyness sucks. Hehe aww thank you *hugs*

[Kate Simmons]

Poc, her Mum being "psychic" means absolutely nothing, nada, zip, zero, zilch. Especially for a person such as yourself who knows who they are. You are the master of your own destiny my friend, don't let anyone tell you any differently. I've seen who you really are and you are an absolutely pure being who knows where you are going. Not only that but you have all of us in your corner. When the doubts pile up, remember all of your friends here and how they feel about you. Life, any life is as virtual or as real as any of us make it. We believe in ourselves and we believe in you, never forget that my good young man.

[CaptLex]

Well, you know what I think . . . she may be more "psycho" than "psychic", and when people push us, it's okay to push them back. A real friend will see you as you are, not as they want you to be - it's not worth your time to be with people that won't accept you.

I think Kieron ran out of hugs, but you can have mine . . .
. . . get 'em while they're hot!

[Kieron Andrew]

Well, you know what I think . . . she may be more "psycho" than "psychic", and when people push us, it's okay to push them back. A real friend will see you as you are, not as they want you to be - it's not worth your time to be with people that won't accept you.

I think Kieron ran out of hugs, but you can have mine . . .
. . . get 'em while they're hot!

nope didnt run out but dont want him getting greedy for em lol

[Tristan]

I feel your frustration little buddy. Sorry you feel so down.

[ZenFrost]

One of the best things about the internet is that you can find people who understand you and like you because of who you are no matter how far apart you live. I don't think I have any real life friends that 'get me' and I know how frustrating that can be. The good thing is that many of the people here do. My strategy for getting people to think something about me is to correct them at every turn (like when I get people to call me by my male name). If this person is being pushy about dating you, then you can be pushy right back about being a boy. Bluntness may not be the nicest way to go, but if this person is being frustrating then be blunt and just tell them off.

[John]

[Ms. Donna]

Urgh.

I am fed up of people seeing me wrongly.

It really "hurts"... not like physical pain... but hurts somewhere deep in my heart.

...

But it's like the only way to PROVE that I'm a boy is to transition.
And I'm not sure I'm ready for that/should do that.

Whatever you do, do not transition just to prove a point! Yea, I know you know this, but it's worth repeating.

And I share your frustration in my own odd little way.

As we don't really (at all) know each other, I'm hoping the good Captain can vouch for my sincerity. That said, I'd like to share the following for your consideration:

Originally posted May 16 2007

I've been feeling a bit 'vulnerable' as of late with respect to my 'needs' with all of this trans stuff. Perhaps what I need most is to be recognized by (or recognizable to) other people. People see a me, make their assumptions (mostly incorrect in all likelihood) and I'm dropped in a box.More...

It was suggested that if one takes the 'gender-f*cking' route - i.e. the refusal to admit the power of the gender binary (whether inspired biologically or socially) - then one willingly adopts the position of David against Goliath - requiring a hell of a lot of 'chutzpah' to carry it off. However, there are those of us who do what we do because of who we are. It's not a 'refusal to admit the power of the gender binary' - quite the opposite. I fully acknowledge the power that the gender binary has in society: I am painfully aware of it. And here is the simple fact of it: It does not work for me.

I want it to - really I do. It would make life so much easier: for me, for others - just all around the board. But I wound up melting down years ago because I desperately clung to the idea that I was (or had to be) a man. And when I sorted through all of this crap, I found that while 'woman' fit better, it wasn't right either. So what do I do? Pick a side 'cause that what I'm supposed to do? 'Cause it will make everyone else happy?

I know I get dropped into the 'gay male' box from discussions I've had with people. They usually are quite surprised to find out I'm married, have kids and that I'm not gay. I don't want to be recognized as gay. Sometimes it's the 'woman' box in which I land. While I'm flattered by this, and it's a nice box in which to hang out, it still assumes things about me which are not accurate. Then there is the 'man' box. Getting 'sired' grates on me in so many ways and again, makes inaccurate assumptions about me.

I suppose there is that rare occasion where I'm recognized as trans-something - but I'll likely never really know: does anyone really openly acknowledge someone else as trans? Probably not. And genderqueer? Even less likely.

If one chooses to 'diagnose' me, then I get DSM-IV diagnostic code 302.6: Gender Identity Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (GIDNOS). That's the 'gender freak' box - the catchall for those who can't be properly sorted. I can't say I'm jonesing to be recognized as that either.

'Gender-f*ck' has become yet another box into which I get tossed. I'm beginning to loath the reduction of my identity to 'gender-f*cking'. For me, this implies a type of hyperbole: the purposeful attraction of attention and desire to illicit a reaction from others. It is very much a decision, a choice - and it need not have anything to do with being trans.

I'd say that I get tossed into the 'gender-f*ck' box almost exclusively by other transpeople. It's no secret that transpeople can often be more radically supportive of the gender binary than the Cisgender are. For some reason, those of us who do not 'embrace' the binary are perceived as some sort of threat. By turning my identity into a piece of performance art, I'm essentially 'neutralized' - read as 'marginalized'. I don't want my identity marginalized any more than anyone else does - especially by my supposed peers.

If there is anything I'm not doing, it's 'willingly adopting the position of David against Goliath' here. I don't want to be here in this f'ing gender void. I mean, honestly, who would choose this? This isn't 'cool' or 'edgy' - it sucks. How the hell do I explain this to people without them thinking I'm a complete whack-job? The muggles don't get it - the LGB contingent don't get it - other transpeople don't get it. One of the few things that keeps me from caving under the combined weight of all this is that there are others who identify as I do.

Perhaps, then, the lot of us are deluded? I don't know - but I wonder sometimes...

I have resolved myself to the fact that I likely will never have recognition that matches my identity. And while being 'out' and 'visible' have been largely positive experiences, it has also served to magnify this discontinuity - reinforcing just how pervasive and invasive the gender binary is.

“The thought of a possible life is only an indulgence for those who already know themselves to be possible. For those who are still looking to become possible, possibility is a necessity.”

I wish I could chalk what I do up to chutzpah - but the reality is that for me, it's survival.

Time to reload my slingshot...

Perhaps the only real advise I have is just be true to yourself - and sod everyone else who refuses to respect you.

Regards,
Donna

[Kieron Andrew]

Perhaps the only real advise I have is just be true to yourself - and sod everyone else who refuses to respect you.

best words and advice anyone can give IMHO!

[Joy Carter]

Pocoyo Hun your fighting a losing battle. Some are just trying to be rude or just plain don't know. The rude one's just want to "pull your trigger" and the one's that don't know need educating.

Hun I spent the first years of my life being the way you are. It wasn't over gender. But people know I had a short fuse and I was totally miserable. I got over it Hun and now I'm brand spanking new. Well at least to me I am.

You gotta realize you can't do anything about what someone may think or say about you. I have know people in my life way older than I who never learn this.

Settle down Hun and you will live longer.

[Dasein9]

Overall,

(for instance a new friend that I was basically forced to befriend)

Did I miss a thread about this? How can someone force you to befriend someone? That sounds suspicious and weird to me. Sure, social obligations can force us to have acquaintances, but if there's one thing over which you have complete control, it's whom you give your friendship to.

And if the person's being pushy and bothering you, then it's time to call out Poc the Brave *strumpet blast!* and be very, very firm.

[Kerry Owens]

No psychic involved there....just someone who is very controlling and probably more psycho as someone else pointed out. The whole situation is very bad, I'd run the other direction as fast as you can!