Shame...and the fiancee

[MichelleOBrien]

I am so embarrased right now. i'm in the phone with my fiancee and she's asking me all these questions about something that happened when i was with a man (that one delicious time!) and i know she loves me no matter what, but it's still embarassing to tell her. why is that? i mean, even as i'm telling her all this, she's reaffirming ehr love for me and telling me that it's okay. she's taking it very well, but for some reason, i still feel shamed beyond belief. For all of you that came out to your wives and girlfriends, is this normal? the shame and embarrasment?

[oclare]

One of the hardest things I have ever done was tell my fiancee (now my wife of 38-years) about my crossdressing. I was embarrased beyond belief, but I felt that the only hope I had of building a lasting relationship was to begin it with complete honesty. I even had her visit my shrink without me present, so she could ask any questions and get any answers she needed before making a lifelong committment. I think you were wise to talk to her. I know it wasn't easy but I think you did the right thing.

[Holly]

Well, Michelle, it wasn't that embarassing for me and no shame at all ... but then again, I wasn't confessing to being with a man.

[MichelleOBrien]

well, it turns out i had nothing really to be ashamed of when revealing this to her. she's actually talking about fulfilling that part of me and letting me dress, as well as occasionally taking me as if i were her woman instead of her being mine. Well, i'm glad she's as understanding as she is.

[Chantelle CD]

No shame in being with a man, if that is what you so desire, unless you did it and hated it , but guessing you didnt, saying ''(that one delicious time!)'' Why the embarasment? My SO has a fantasy of watching me with another man, wont happen though, just not for me, but if it was, so what.

I didnt feel shame when i told her of my dressing, i was shy about it though, not shame, scared of loseing her, maybe a bit embarased. Then again i told her, soon after we meet, felt i could, with no judgment, just didnt know if she would want it a part of her life or not was all.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

I am so embarrased right now. i'm in the phone with my fiancee and she's asking me all these questions about something that happened when i was with a man (that one delicious time!) and i know she loves me no matter what, but it's still embarassing to tell her. why is that? i mean, even as i'm telling her all this, she's reaffirming ehr love for me and telling me that it's okay. she's taking it very well, but for some reason, i still feel shamed beyond belief. For all of you that came out to your wives and girlfriends, is this normal? the shame and embarrasment?

My two-cents, internalized repressed homophobia.
You like all other men get mind****ed into thinking being with another man is icky, bad and wrong. It isn't but many carry that thought with them. Some, so much so, they could never even admit they have thoughts of being with another man.
Kew

[Marla S]

I think the shame and embarrassment is the reslult of not havning sorted out this "delicious time" for yourself yet.
A part of it might be the homophobia Kew spoke of.

Once you have done that, you might regret it, stand by it, or have fear that your fiancee don't understands it or don't want to have it, but no shame or embarrassment.

Your fiancee seems to be an understanding one ... congrats.

[Di]

well, it turns out i had nothing really to be ashamed of when revealing this to her. she's actually talking about fulfilling that part of me and letting me dress, as well as occasionally taking me as if i were her woman instead of her being mine. Well, i'm glad she's as understanding as she is.

She sounds like a keeper.........It is wonderful to have someone you can say everything and anything to and share every part of you...go on now enjoy each other.

[MichelleOBrien]

the reason for my embarrasment and shame was not because of any homophobia, but more because just looking at the general idea of most people i come across who ARE straight, they view it as wrong and don't understand it. and as we all know, what we fear, we destroy. now, i'm not worried about the physical repurcussions, but more the way that my reputation and my relationship might have been destroyed. i'm only afraid of a few things in life and losing my fiancee is close to number one. but she told me last night and this morning that she likes the idea of me being feminine (sometimes) because there's things that she's wanted to try but didn't know how i would take it. So to make a long story short, she's really into it. But i thank you all.

[MichelleOBrien]

okay, i just have one more question, and i decided to post it on this topic since it deals with the same issue. She has accepted that I am what I am and she doesn't want me to change, but she doesn't want to see it either. For some reason I feel like I'm sneaking around behind her back (the last thing i want to do) even though she says i'm not. Ever happen to any of you?

[MsJanessa]

My ex-wife was like that--knew I dressed, didn't give Me a hard time about it but definatly did not like to see Me en femme(didn't mind if I sometimes wore a sexy night gown to bed though---just didn't like the wig and makeup part) btw it is a double edged sword, when we were going through our divorce, she threatened to reveal My cding to the public---at the time (18 years ago) I was a lawyer in a small town in Maine--her demands were not unreasonable so I gave her what she asked(would have done so without the threat)--now I think I would have told her to tell who ever she wanted but at the time I was so far in the closet I was afraid of the daylight. The whole incident left a bad taste in My mouth.

[christina marie]

sneaking around or honoring her wishes and showing her some of the same consideration she is showing you?

[Karen Johnson]

Lucky you and having such a wife.

When I came out to mine it was very difficult. I also told her about the few flings I've had with men. What was even more difficult was telling her about the crossdressing.

We are conditioned to think that you are "less than" if you have sex with a man or wear women's clothes. These things may appeal to us, but outwardly we dare not let that be known or we face such ridicule. This conditioning starts on the playground and never really stops. I remember being young and looking through Frederick's catalogs with the other guys. They'd all be commenting on the models while I'd be getting turned on by the clothing.

It is hard to overcome all those years of conditioning. By telling my wife the shame seemed to melt away. I told another person about my secrets and it didn't kill me.

At the same time, even though she's known about my crossdressing for nearly ten years, and has even bought me outfits, she still isn't entirely comfortable with it and even goes back and forth on it.

Good luck and consider yourself fortunate for the good start.

[Angie G]

I think she should let it go and get over it
Angie