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Thread: Need advise (no longer make wife happy)

  1. #1
    Junior Member jenny01's Avatar
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    Need advise (no longer make wife happy)

    My wife of 19 years, told me the on Memorial day that I no longer make her happy. I don't make her feel wanted, & she thinks that I don't find her attractive.
    Both of these are far from the truth. She has also stated that she would like more sex. I love this woman very much! Anyways we started going to a marriage counselor. I am hoping these visits will help. Next visits we go separately. I am wondering if I should open up to the shrink that I have strong desires to wear womens clothes. My wife only knows about me wearing thong panties 24/7.
    Thanks for your help.
    Jenny

  2. #2
    Silver Member Billijo49504's Avatar
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    Hi, Just a thought, start having a date night with your wife. That might bring back some of the magic for her. It doesn't have to be real expensive, just some time for just you two. Even if you got kids, get a sitter for a couple hours and go out for a pizza or something. Maybe a movie. Just the 2 of you. Might help...BJ

  3. #3
    Unofficial CD Mom Holly's Avatar
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    Counseling is probably a good idea, but your wife has pretty much what she finds missing in your relationship. I didn't hear a word about crossdressing being an issue. You say that her feeling wanted by you and not feeling like you still find her attractive are not true. Honey, you need to show her that these things are not true. She feels like they are! Seduce her, already!
    Fulltime girl on the inside.
    Lipstick=confidence

    [SIZE=4]Holly[/SIZE]

  4. #4
    Looking for what's new Lisa Baby's Avatar
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    Hi Jenny
    You have already taken the first step by talking about what she sees as a problem. Keep talking!

    There is a song that was released a number of years ago titled "Step by Step." Listen to the lyrics and give them a try.

    My is that you need to discuss your CDing wishes with your SO. I feel that most secrets only hurt a relationshjp.

    The therapist can only give you good advice if he/she knows all of the facts.

    Good luck!
    Lisa

  5. #5
    Gold Member DonnaT's Avatar
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    I'm not going to ask how often y'all have sex, but apparently she doesn't feel it's enough.

    So, besides the occasional 'date night', you may need to be more aggressive in bed. Even if you don't feel like it. And try to make sure she gets off before you.

    And be more attentive during the day. More hugs and kisses, and telling her you love her. Be more playful as well. Try to remember how it was during the first couple of years you were married.

    Hold her hand when out. Open her car door her. Give her a flower unexpectedly. Pretend you're dating again.

    Should you tell your shrink about your CDing needs? Only if you feel it is interfering with your sex life.
    DonnaT

  6. #6
    Junior Member jenny01's Avatar
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    Girls, Thanks for the help. I just need her to come around & give me the time of day, before I can move foward.

  7. #7
    Member elnkay's Avatar
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    I have an idea, why not ask for the time of day to see if she'll give it to you hon? It has happily worked for me for a loooong time
    remember GG's have this thing that we still can not understand, emotions.
    It is still our responsibility to draw out their feelings,no matter what they are.
    The tactfulness of the game is the key. Good Luck.

  8. #8
    New Member Kether's Avatar
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    Think like a woman, go in a sulk for days... only kidding. you need to give her what she needs. ROMANCE.

  9. #9
    Junior Member Bethany Ann's Avatar
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    Triple...

    Date nights with her
    Drinking a bottle of wine in the tub
    Talking with her at least 1/2 hour a day
    Sex...sex and more fun kinky sex
    Cooking and cleaning and housework
    Telling her why you love and adore her
    Being spontanious

    and see what happens...give it a few months.

    Bethany
    Wedding Dresses...Perals...and Heels...Oh My!

  10. #10
    Aspiring Member Tamera's Avatar
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    Hi Jenny,
    Go ahead and open up to the shrink about your desires.

    These could have an influence on your SEX DRIVE.

    Also if you are going out dressed and you tell the wife you are going to work(or something else) even though it is completely innocent in your eyes, maybe she thinks your cheating in her eyes.

    Lots of things to think about.
    LOL
    Tamera
    Please read this regarding personal information http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/faq.php?faq=main_rules#faq_personal_information


    [SIZE="2"]"GENDER" is not whats between the "THIGHS", but whats between the "EARS".....[/SIZE]

  11. #11
    Junior Member
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    Yes, you need to let him know. This will assist your MC to evaluate your situation better and will help him to formulate his questions better to your wife's understanding to calm the overall situation. Sometime the same words spoken by an outsider will have a better impact than you saying it.

    I wish you all luck, hope it is just a passing cloud.

  12. #12
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    you asked for it

    i dont knowif this will help,but its my do you remember what you first thought when you saw your wife? the way you feelt when she talked to you? when she would talk and you could not take you'r eyes off of her? well it sounds like she wants that back. we get so cought up in what is going on with us that we dont see that we don't smile anymore.

    the other thing you are going to have to consider is you two have been married for 19 years, that tells me that she is getting to that age in life ware minaplse is knocking on the door,so now everything is really changing for her.
    i dont know you enough to tell what i see, but this is what i hear.

    one more thing you'r telling you'r therapyst about crossdressing is a good thing. there is another thing to consider if you have been wanting to crossdress more and you haven't told you'r wife. i think you'r wrong. she has been with you for 19 years. don't you thin she can feel you have something that you'r not telling her? don't you think she has cought you looking at other womans clothes. she thins its the woman that you are looking at, when its the clothes you'r looking at.

    their is a game i like to play called what you sead,what i heard. try it some time and see if you are really hearing what she is saying. now this could be a load of s#!@ because i really dont know ya'll, but i hope it helps you think.


    nothing but kathy

    p.s have you told her about this place ware you go to visit? if not, i think you need to. and that is really my worth

  13. #13
    Member Jere Oneil's Avatar
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    Two suggestions, write her a love letter and tell her how much she really means to you. and secondly, when was the last time you brought her flowers, and I don't mean just for a special occasion.? Even a single rose can mean a lot to a woman. I also second the idea to keep talking. While there is communication, problems can be worked out. It is when communication stops that minor problems become fatal to a marriage.As for the sex thing, what's wrong with more often?
    " Just a Guy in a Skirt"

  14. #14
    Platinum Member Angie G's Avatar
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    You may hot be giving her the Attention you think you are and she my need more so take it up 2 or 3 notchs Jenny thay may help
    Angie

  15. #15
    Sobe1ove's BF Leah B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenny01 View Post
    My wife of 19 years, told me the on Memorial day that I no longer make her happy. I don't make her feel wanted, & she thinks that I don't find her attractive.
    Both of these are far from the truth.

    Here's what bothers me about this: you're assuming you know more about her feelings than she does. The only person who can tell you how she feels is her. I'm not saying that you don't do all the right things, or that she shouldn't feel wanted, but you have to take her word for it that she doesn't.

    The same goes for her. If you find her attractive, she shouldn't be second-guessing you and saying you don't. I hope you and your wife can work things out it counseling.

  16. #16
    Short Skirts & Long Legs
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    Like it or not, If you in deed wnat to salvage your lifes love, open up...

    " the truth will set you free "

  17. #17
    Trans Species Joy Carter's Avatar
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    the one thing is to be honest with your feelings. Don't offer any thing false or short term I think she would know. Another thing is women have changes in life that we don't understand. She just maybe in the stage of life now. That don't mean you shouldn't be trying to turn the attention up like others here have said. How about a weekend with just the two of you somewhere you both will enjoy doing things.

    Good Luck

  18. #18
    Member StephanieH's Avatar
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    Wink DO something, don't talk about it...

    :[SIZE="3"]For what it's worth, counseling will help, but nothing is going to make her feel special until you DO something to show her how you feel. You can tell her all day long, that's easy, but DOING something, as often as it takes to make her realize you're serious, is another thing. People appreciate the effort and it makes them feel appreciated. Put some planning into this, you know her better than we do, what makes her feel special, happy, and wanted? Whatever that is, DO IT!

    And for heaven's sake, put down the remote and move into the bedroom if that's what she wants! A lot of guys out there would give up a non-essential body part to have a wife say they want more whoopee sessions!

    Good luck and God bless, but SHOW her how much you love her, don't just TELL her.[/SIZE]

  19. #19
    My Heroes Wore Nylons Lovely Rita's Avatar
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    That is a choice only you can make

    Quote Originally Posted by jenny01 View Post
    My wife of 19 years, told me the on Memorial day that I no longer make her happy. I don't make her feel wanted, & she thinks that I don't find her attractive.
    Both of these are far from the truth. She has also stated that she would like more sex. I love this woman very much! Anyways we started going to a marriage counselor. I am hoping these visits will help. Next visits we go separately. I am wondering if I should open up to the shrink that I have strong desires to wear womens clothes. My wife only knows about me wearing thong panties 24/7.
    Thanks for your help.
    Jenny
    I know that having opened up to my wife about everything was helpful for me but that is not a guarantee for everyone. The way she sounds right now I think calls for kind consideration of her on your part.
    If the counselor is trustworthy and good maybe you should open up and it can be helpful.
    Hugs

    Lovely Rita

    The journey is about learning how to love and to do it with all our heart.

    The Revolution moves forward!!!!!
    aspiring to be "part of the cure and not the disease."
    to quote Cold Play.

    Becoming the person I was created to be
    not the person you expect me to be

    "Girls Just Want to Have FUN!"

    You don't need an excuse to Love just an opportunity!

  20. #20
    a guy in a skirt KimberlyS's Avatar
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    Like someone else said. You need to date your wife and make her feel needed and loved. And that is your wife needs to feel loved the way she needs to be feel loved. Not how you like to do it.

    A book that my wife and I both found very helpful is:

    The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman

    I am proud of the both of you for looking for professional help. A friend that helped us said: "The two of you got to this point with the knowledge and interpersonal skills you both have. If both of you had the knowledge to not get to this mess that your are in, why did you. You both need the help of someone else with the right skills to help."

    Good Luck. It looks like both of you are past step one and two. You have a problem. You need help to fix it.
    KimberlyS-CD
    joe in a skirt. Being myself not trying to be some other CDer
    Just trying to find a balance for my son and myself.

    Standard disclaimer: Going out of the house was right for me, it may or may not be right for you. If you've got no desire to leave the house, that's fine, I'm not trying to push you out the door. But for those who've been yearning to do so, I just want to let you know the world may not be as scary a place as you think.

  21. #21
    Silver Member kittypw GG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KimberlyS View Post
    . And that is your wife needs to feel loved the way she needs to be feel loved. Not how you like to do it.

    .
    You said a mouthful Kimberly! Many times men do things the way they like and get discouraged when the wife doesn't respond with the anticipated entheusiasm. For example my hubby made breakfast for me the other morning. Nice right? well he made the eggs like he likes, the sausage like he likes. The breakfast was completly lacking fruit, and oatmeal which are the things that I like. I had absolutly no appitite for his breakfast to tell you the truth. I wasn't really impressed either because it didn't take any effort to make "his" kind of breakfast. Now if he would have gone to the store and bought some good fruit and made me oatmeal with an english muffin on the side. Now that would have impressed me because it was and effort to step outside of his comfort zone. Much like I step out of my comfort zone to give him the evening of his dreams. I go to great lengths sometimes with providing his crossdressing fantasy and it leaves a sour taste in my mouth when he can't go the extra mile for a simple breakfast.

    I know that a long term relationships reache a plateau in the passion arena but that is when you need to step up your efforts to make eachother feel special and important to the others life. That include sex, feeling sexy and making your partner feel like they are the hottest person alive.

    I'm glad you are trying counseling. Get a copy of the book Kimberly suggested. It opened my eyes a lot. Kitty

  22. #22
    A California Girl Rachel Morley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenny01 View Post
    She has also stated that she would like more sex. I love this woman very much!
    Assuming she meant sex with you, and I'm sure she did, this part of the problem seems like an easy fix to me. The rest of it might be a bit more difficult but talking to her and taking a step back and looking at your behavior in a "third party isolated way", and how it relates to what is saying about it might be a way forward.
    .
    The River City Gems - Northern California's largest and most active crossdressing & transgender support group!

  23. #23
    Junior Member Echo Logical's Avatar
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    I had some similar issues with my wife...

    Here is what helped us.

    I told her that I thought she was sexy, and in specifics, (how her eyes sparkled, how her smile makes my heart jump, and what a great ass she has etc.) I didn't seem to help much at first because she felt that I was saying it because I had to. But I kept at it, in different places and commenting on different things. I also made sure to tell her when we were in places where sex was not an option so that she would know that I wasn't just saying it expecting to immediately get into her pants. (I find it funny that on a couple of occasions she ended up dragging me home right then to get nekkid).

    I still leave notes around the house, telling her I love her, or showing appreciation for specific things that she has done, or said, or to say that I think she has the most amazing soft kissable lips. I also randomly bring home flowers or a card, and not so random if I know that somewhere else in her life she is getting a hard time from someone.

    I always try to listen for at least a half hour a day (at least), usually when I first get home. I ask about specific things that I know that she is interested in (like she is a moderator on a car racing forum, so I make sure to ask her about that). I also try to share, thoughts i had, ideas for remodeling the house, or cool things I found on the internet, or what the dogs did on our trip to the park, anything that happened during the day that I think she might find interesting, which helps to remind her that I very much want her to be a part of my life.

    I think the one thing that has helped the most though, is my private time in my car or on the bus on the way home from work. Before I get home I remember, I remember when she and I first met, the times when we had really great sex, marrying her on the beach in Mazatlan, anything that reflects the deep love I have for her. I use that as a way to mellow out after a hectic day at work, and when I get home my love for her positively shines through my eyes, and in the way I touch her etc.

    We still have our issues and our arguments, and we have been through hell together. We have on occasion been to marriage counselors when we needed a little help with communication. She is absolutely the most precious gift in my life and I want her to know that.

  24. #24
    Junior Member jenny01's Avatar
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    Thanks Girls for the great advise. Sometime when I am thinking about the upcoming counseling session, I say to myself that I will tell the counselor about my CD. Then other time I dont want to. I want her to know, but I am scared that when my wife hears this she will run even faster.
    Another question. If I did thell the MC about my CD'ing, in my solo session, is this something he just uses to develop a plan, or does he repeat what is told to others?

    What would Karen do?

  25. #25
    Sherry Sautereau gmss's Avatar
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    Hi jenny:

    Just a few thoughts from an average Joe who's been married for six years.

    First, I agree with the multitude of others who say to be more openly affectionate and noticeably more considerate. I think most women need that stuff. The more often you do that, then the greater the chance you will do it when she actually feels the need for it, so that will work in your favor.

    Without trying to be pessimistic, I think that sometimes women make up their mind and nothing will change that.

    [aside]
    One of my best friend's wife, after 22 years of marriage, and two boy (now at university) came up to my buddy a few years ago and said "that's it. I'm not happy anymore. I'm leaving." Just like that. Wham bam thank you maam. Not open for discussion, nor counciling; nothing. And it wasn't because of another man either. She just decided and that was that. She left the house a few months after that, and they separated and divorced. My buddy spend about six months ripping his hair out trying to figure out what was going on. He was totally blindsided.
    [/aside]

    So there are women who don't budge. I hope that your wife is not one of them. Hopefully she is ready to talk and appreciate your efforts in keeping the marriage together. That said, maybe the councilor can tell you better what kind of effort she is ready to put into reconciling.

    As far as telling you wife or the councilor about your CD, I think it will neither help nor hurt. She may have guessed it already, if she knows you are 24/7 with thong. Sometime women guess these things and just don't say anything.

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