Just Found Out - Need Advice

[Noddia (SO)]

My soon to be fiance (Or I still hope so!) just told me about his CD. I suppose to be a bit more factual - a message popped up on the computer while he was away and I orginally thought he was leaving me. I didn't know what was going on. Since he was out of town over the phone I got the, "We need to talk when I get back!"

He always told me that the phrase, "We need to talk" was a bad thing. The 4 days before he returned seemed like forever! In the meantime I told him that I loved him no matter what. That he's the man of my dreams...etc.

Anyways, he finally told me after a couple hours of getting up the nerve. I told him that I loved him and would support him in this. I appologized for making it seem like he couldn't tell me. I love all of him and always will. That evening was kind of the end it for awhile.

He went home for vacation early this summer and when the relatives were away he went shopping. When he got home was all excited to show me what he got - a pair of guys flip flops and a guys t-shirt. Only I knew he went shopping for a good 6 hours so there had to be more to the story.

I don't want to feel like I am pushing him to share with me but I do want him to feel like he can talk with me. After trying to express that he did show me some pictures - which he previously said didn't exist. I want to help make him comfortable talking with me. With the exception of his CD we have a very open relationship and talk about everything. After seeing the pictures I told him that he was pretty darn sexy in his skirt and heels. I don't know if I said the wrong thing - he got very quiet and that was pretty much the end of it.

In the last week I have been doing a lot of thinking. I feel a little hurt that he doesn't feel like he can talk with me. I know he talks with other women over the internet - not CD but some people he met online several years ago. I guess I feel at a loss as what else I can say or do to support him without feeling as shut out as I currently do. If I try to ask questions I feel as though I am being bothersome. So I might have dumb questions - I'm not all of a girlie girl myself. He has had by far more mani pedis than I have, he owns more heels than I do etc... I am a come home and get comfy type of person although I told him that if he rather I dress up more I would (I told him this when we first met). Our relationship was far from normal to begin with but I think we both liked that we were different and could act silly and goofy together.

What do I do to help him open up to me? I am 110% supportive of his need to CD. The only thing I don't like is the feeling that I am shut out from this part of his life.

Anything I can say or do to help him feel more comfortable? Things I should avoid saying or doing?

HELP!

[dashi30]

Hon I have to say keep doing what you are doing. Keep being as supportive as you can be. I have a SO who is 110% supportive of me and sometimes I still get embarresed. You are awesome for being there for him, and I believe he knows that. Just hang in there and he can become her and invite you. He probably loves you soo much that he is scared he might lose you. That was how I was with my SO! I told her when I was ready, even though I knew she sort of had an idea. It really made my transition with her much easier. You are doing everything just fine. I hope for the best for you both.


Kaylee

[Stephenie S]

Dear Noddia,

You are doing fine, girl. Don't we all wish we had someone as accepting as you seem to be.

The only thing is, dear, you need to be saying these things to HIM, not to us. I mean we will listen and give advice when we can, but the only person who can really answer your questions is your sweetie. Sit him down and TALK to him. Ask him all the questions you just asked us. Only he has the answers.

Good luck, hon.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[kathy333]

as a CDer i would like to have the woman that i "came out to" go out and get us matching out fits and one weekend we could play, but thats just me

one more thing the first time i showed a woman a picture of me dressed,and she made a commit on how i looked it though me i didn't know what to say.

[Sally]

When my SO told me it made him feel very vulnerable. I'm guessing your SO has not told anyone else he was close to before so its probably a very scarey thing to do not knowing how the person you love will react and how it might change your relationship.

My SO used to (actually still does) misinterpret my reactions always seeing the negative because of how he felt himself.

Keep doing what you're doing and be supportive and I'm sure he'll be able to open up more and more in time. My SO sort of drip fed me information which in some ways made it easier for me and for him but also I always felt there was something missing from what he was telling me. A few months down the line it all added up and I think he was coming to terms with how he felt before he talked to me about it as well.

I found that opening up to him about things I've never told anyone before also helped so its more two way.

I also bought a few books about CDing etc so that I educated myself a bit and also this led to questions about whether he feels this way etc etc

Take it slow but keep talking

[renee99]

My guess would be that in his head, he heard your comment but his inner voice said "Yeah right, you're just humoring me". Just keep showing him that you love all of him, and he will figure out that you are not just humoring him, and that you do in fact love all of him. Knowing unconditional love will do more than anything else towards helping him get over what is assuredly a point of self-doubt and perhaps even self-loathing.

[bobbielynn]

i agree with everyone else continue to be supportive. and also think he hears the words but is still scared and feels the need to hide it. keep talking to him about it and maybe find out his sizing and buy him something and give it as a gift to him. maybe it might show u support and accept his CDing. my gf(who i met online and have yet to meet) wants to dress me up and take me shopping sometime after i told her. her telling me that has made me more comforatable to talk about this side of me.

[Sheila]

Nadine,

I also have a SO who can't talk easily about his cding, and it is incredably frustrating ......... when I first knew bout his cding, (a year on the 24th of this month) I was and still am supportive of him but he did at one stage say that he had to A) get his head round the fact that somebody else knew (I discovered rather thjan him tell me) B) now that I knew I didn't go running out screaming long and hare about him being a weirdo (his words not mine).

You know, so often here we here CDR's being told to go at the pace of their SO's ...... sometimes hun we also have to go at their pace. He is probably wondering why you haven't gone on one (so many do.)

Giving it time, patience and al ot of love Nadine and you will be able to communicate more easily.

Hang in there

Jess

[Rachel Morley]

IMHO it's about our own insecurities (or at least that's what it was for me). My wife is extremely supportive because she happens to like me to be a non manly (somewhat girly) guy. Despite me knowing this right from the beginning of our relationship, I still couldn't quite believe it when she would say to me that she thought I looked cute dressed in women's clothes. I guess I thought she was humoring me because I didn't think I looked that good. I felt good (pretty?) inside ... but in my mind I didn't look pretty, yet she was telling me I looked sweet and cute.

I figured she was just telling what I wanted to hear to be supportive and loving towards me, and that her really truthful feelings about my cding (the ones that are really deep inside) were perhaps slightly different. I was of course completely wrong. But at the time, I mistrusted my own judgment so much, I thought to myself that "no woman is really and truly going to be completely ok with a a guy who likes to dress up as a woman". Boy how wrong was I! My wife knows this is part of me, and she loves me because of who I am, not despite of who I am.

I guess I'm suggesting that your guy is (perhaps?) concerned that if he really "lets the cat out of the bag" and tells you everything, and how it really is for him, that somehow you'll love him less.

Good luck and be gentle with his heart.

[Rikkicn]

Dear Noddia,

You are doing fine, girl. Don't we all wish we had someone as accepting as you seem to be.

The only thing is, dear, you need to be saying these things to HIM, not to us. I mean we will listen and give advice when we can, but the only person who can really answer your questions is your sweetie. Sit him down and TALK to him. Ask him all the questions you just asked us. Only he has the answers.

Good luck, hon.

Lovies,
Stephenie

I would add to what Stephenie says by saying to him, right after you ask questions "You can answer these when ever you're ready. Take as much time as your heart needs. I love you very much and I'm longing to join you where ever you are."]
Or something like that

[Rikkicn]

Wow!
I've been coming to this site off and on for two years and this is the most amazing tread I've seen. All the adise so good and matches my own experiences of coming out to my ex and and my current wife.
It took me many years to reach a place of comfort, safety, trust and knowing I was deeply loved. The deeper into that process I went the more I understood, accepted and appreciated about myself.
and the more I opened my heart to my wife.

Thank you everyone!!!

[AllieSF]

Hi Noddia,

Welcome to the forum. I can see you are getting a lot of good advice here so I know that you are in good hands. Since you are knew to all this and to this site, I also recommend that you get your 10 posts in quickly so that you can communicate with other members. There is a special section for GGs (genetic girls) only so that you can get in touch with other GGs to discuss their and your experiences. I also recommend that you do some searches here for different topics from those related to issues and experiences with SOs and to those that deal with the same things for the CDer. All good reading, some happy, sad, silly, and maybe not so good. Everyone has different experiences especially in this area. Now that some of the truth is out from your SO (I assume and hope that more will follow), you also need to treat this relationship as any other where communication, openness and honesty are the foundations to making it last for the long term.

Remember that no matter how much you love him, you need to keep your own identity and not give up all of you for your SO and the relationship. It has to be a two way street that compliments each other.

One final thing. If you happen to find posts or articles that clearly address how you are feeling (happy, frustrated, or whatever), it may help your SO understand better if you share them with her and ask her what she thinks. It may be a good way to open a difficult conversation.

Good luck and your SO is so very lucky to have such a loving woman.

[Noddia (SO)]

Thank you all for your advice! You don't know how much I appreciate it.

You girls are the greatest! :-)

[Jodie Wexler]

Even though he came out to you he may perfer to do it in private. I told my wife before we got engaged. We have been married 15 years now and she is very supportive but I still perfer to dress in private the majority of the time.

[Alice B]

Tell him exactly what you have told us. If he is still secretive I would feel that you do have something to worry about.

[stacie]

Be supportive, Plus there are a lot of good sites out there for you to read about crossdressers. If he likes to dress in private then let him have a little dressing time. Its nice to read there is another girl who supports crossdressers. I still don't like to dress in front of my wife.

[michelleo]

I am also a cd and i hid it for years, it started when i was about 8 or 9 i suppose and it is not always easy to come to terms with. My Parents found out and tried to shame me, by dressing me up and making me look in the mirror, this just upset me.

I suppose that even now i am a bit like your fiance, i found it really hard to talk about. I have a wife and a daughter now, and more than ever i am drawn to cross dress. My wife and i have been together for about 13 years and about 5 years ago she found my heels and stockings and since then has found some other garments at various times hidden. We talked at length the night i told her and i was so ashamed, she was confused and i felt like this whole thing got worse not better.

after a few months she told me i didnt have to stop, but that she didn't want to see it, so as you can imagine this is still hard as i feel like it is still hidden. At the same time i am becoming more game and wearing clothes out and finding remote places to walk in my outfits with the hope of getting cort but not at the same time

My wife now washes my lingerie and nows that it is there, when i dress i have no reservations, but everytime she says that we need to talk i go cold and cant explain, but feel that my whole world is going to crumble and she will leave me. I often wish that she would just find me in cd form and then it is over. I have often thought that having some friends over and having a CD party where sexes swap genda for the night would be a good way to ease the guilt, and open the communication, but as you can tell i am the one that is having more difficulty with this than her. Infact she makes little jibs about high hells, stockings and lingerie, if only she know that she just sets my mind realling. Part of my fantasy is to take her while i am Michelle.

I now this may not give you answers, but this is how i feel., and he is probably similar.

P.S. We are also planning on having another child and this tells me that she still loves and wants to be with me, but i am scared that she will leave me because of the women i am inside.

[Dixie Darling]

[SIZE="1"]Noddia,

You may find a lot of the information you're looking for on my web site. Also, it wouldn't be a bad idea for your fiancé to have a look at it WITH you and discuss the material as you read it.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd[/SIZE]

[sandy1975ad]

understand what you both are going through------just take your time he may still be shy about all of this

[GlitterGG]

I have to agree with jess(SO), you may have to go at his pace. Also, he may not have come to terms with his CDing in his own mind and heart yet. All you can really do is continue to be supportive, and have within your own heart a huge mound of patience. He may not understand the concept of having an accepting SO, give him time and above all else..... baby steps.

[bobi jean]

I too find it very difficult to talk to my wife about my being a crossdresser. She seems to be ok with knowing that I CD, often I will wear panties, and a bra under my t-shirt or other stupid things like that around the house. She knows that when I leave the house in the mornings I am wearing mostly womens clothing. I take my outer wear(drab) with me and change into my jeans and shirt, leaving on the bra and panties, at the beach nearly every morning. BUT FOR SOME REASON OR ANOTHER, I CAN NOT SEEM TO BRING MYSELF TO OPENLY TALK TO HER. WE DO NOT HAVE MUCH OF A PROBLEM WITH ANYOTHER ASPECT OF OUR 35 YEAR MARRAGE OR LIFE TOGETHER, BUT I JUST CANT SEEM TO TALK TO HER ABOUT THIS. I suppose it may stem from when she did finally catch me in a pair of high heels about 15 years ago, she said then that she would never allow me to wear womens clothes around the house. BUT NOW I WEAR WOMENS CLOTHING UNDER MENS CLOTHING ALL THE TIME AND SHE KNOWS IT.
LONG WINDED THIS MORNING HUH!!
ANYWAY, IF YOU ARE ANYWHERE AS SUPPORTIVE AS YOU SEEM TO BE, YOU JUST HAVE TO GO SLOWELY AND THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE PICTURES, INSTEAD OF JUST TELLING HIM HOW CUTE S/HE IS, TRY SOMETHING LIKE YOU LOOK GOOD BUT MAYBE TOO MUCH/LITTLE MAKE-UP OR MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY A DIFFERANT EYESHADOW TO BRING OUT THOSE GEORGOUS EYES OF YOURS.. YOU KNOW A LITTLE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISISM, BUT BE VERY GENTLE, WE GIRLS ARE VERY SENSITIVE TO CRIRICS YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!
just some things I truely wish my wife would try....

[Sheri 4242]

You are doing fine, girl . . . The only thing is, dear, you need to be saying these things to HIM, not to us. I mean we will listen and give advice when we can, but the only person who can really answer your questions is your sweetie. Sit him down and TALK to him. Ask him all the questions you just asked us. Only he has the answers. Lovies, Stephenie

Stephenie pretty much said it all. We will be here for you, but it is going to boil down to the lines of communication between you and him -- and that means keep talking!!!

I am curious about one thing.

You said

He has had by far more mani pedis than I have, he owns more heels than I do etc.

How do you know this if yall aren't talking about it? I am not saying you have omited anything, just noted this and was curious given what you've told us. Have you found a stash of feminine clothing? Are there other details that would help us help you?!!!

[Holly]

Well Noddia, I think you're doing alright, too. Sometimes it is hard for us CDers to talk about it. Silly, I know. Our wives/SO's are the ones we have pledged our hearts to. We trust you with so many things.

Speaking from my own past experience, I would say it is mostly because of fear of disappointing you that your BF is reluctant to engage you in a lengthy converstaion... fear of you losing some respect for him as a man. And of course, there is a battle going on inside your BF wanting to live up to the expectations of what a man is supposed to be and yet this overpowering desire to to be soft and pretty and vulnerable and desired... so many conflicting things.

You have to remember that what it means to be a woman in the mind of a CDer is probably a lot different that what you as a GG have experienced in real life. I think it is fair to say that we mainly have the "fairy tale princess" viewpoint, rather than the 9-5 working mom who comes home to fix dinner, do laundry, pick up the house, help with the homework, well you get the idea. And I make no judgment if we are right or wrong for doing so; I only offer it to you as an insight as to how some of us think.

Finally, the fact that you say he is more free in talking to other women than he is you. I'm sure it is as annoying as all get out. But here's the truth; he has little if anything invested in his relationship with them. Should they reject him, big deal. With you, however, he is wholly invested, heart, mind and body. If you would reject him, it would be devastating. It's not right, it's not even fair to you because I can tell how important it is to you to fully share in ALL of his life. That's a trait you share with your GG sisters.

All I can say is continue to be patient and nurturing. Keep providing a safe environment for him to be in. Sooner or later he will come and bare his soul to you. As Rachel said earlier, "Be gentle with his heart."

[StephanieH]

Hey Noddia, you're among friends, and welcome to the forum.

You've gotten some great advice so far, so I only have a couple of things to add or suggest. All of us are admittedly kinda' wired up different so there are a lot of different motivations for being a CD'er. Most of us just simply feel compelled to do it because it's seemingly in our nature to do so. Society has presented us with three main reasons why guys do this - they're either psycho killers, complete perverts, or they're doing it just to get laughs from everybody else. For most of us, none of those reasons ring true (hopefully).

If you've ruled out that your BF isn't a mass murdering sicko, then you must also assume he's not doing this for laughs. One thing my wife did, and still does, which kinda' bugs me in this endeavor is that she makes light of it quite a bit whenever the subject is approached. We seldom speak of it, she is overall supportive, but when conversation is engaged, it usually tries to take a comedic turn to seemingly lighten the mood. And I very seldom feel like wanting to be compared to Milton Berle.

I say this because he may have shut down on your "you look sexy" comment because he considered it to be playful and humorous, and the last thing he was looking for at that moment was playful humor. If you're trying to do something seriously, whatever it is, you want your spouse to take it seriously, you don't want jokes or light natured remarks, do you? The same is true here and I think a lot of wives trying to be "supportive" make this mistake and that leads to short conversations and gurls just clamming up and hiding stuff.

If you want to be really supportive, don't talk, get engaged in his activities. Offer to go shopping with him for girl stuff, offer serious suggestions for makeup, hair, stuff like that. It's one thing to say you're supportive and tell him "it's okay and I'll love you whatever", but it means a LOT more to actually get off the fence and DO something.

You're on the right track, and thank you so much for not slamming the door on him. It's gals like you who give a lot of people on this board hope. Take care and learn as you go; you two will find some happy middle ground here and neither of you will need to worry or doubt.

[Sheri 4242]

If you want to be really supportive, don't talk, get engaged in his activities . . . It's one thing to say you're supportive and tell him "it's okay and I'll love you whatever", but it means a LOT more to actually get off the fence and DO something.

While everybody is different, this (getting involved in his activities) might work very well! In my case, after I told my then gf (we're now an old married couple), I suggested we buy matching nighties, panties, and thigh highs. We went to a nice dinner, then to Macy's to buy "our evening's wardrobe." Even decided to add matching MMFMP shoes. Then it was off to a hotel suite I had already set-up: flowers, soft music, candles, champagne chilling. We changed in different rooms -- and to my great happiness, her first words on seeing me dressed were, "it takes a real man to dress like that" and, something to the effect of my being comfortable doing so in front of another. We had a wonderful evening!!!

Maybe you could set up the same thing, just in reverse since you are the gg?!!? Of course, in my situation, we had been talking about it -- and sometimes talking around it -- and then set up "our evening." So, part of this may go back to what many have been telling you: open communication! Maybe in your case, his coming home and finding matching nighties on the bed would be signal enough?!!! Just a thought . . .