CDing, Love it Hate it.

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Girls,

There are quite a few of us on this Forum who are totally accepting of our partners CDing and support it wholeheartedly. There are also some who dont like it but nevertheless love our partners unconditionally and so hang on in there. There are also some of us who hate it, wish our partners never did it and do everything we can to stop it from happening. Maybe you feel that that accepting partner that most CDs go on about all the time is something that you too would like to have (them accepting your non acceptance)

There are some very interesting threads on here from CDs and I for one have gained alot of insight and understanding from reading them. For those GGs out there who are brave enough to answer this thread, what do you really think, how do you feel, what do you hate about it, what do you find attractive about it, and what do you think the future holds for you as a couple. Lets have the other side of things on here so that CDs can also gain some insight into how it feels to be sat on the other side of the fence and from different angles. Hopefully this will be as helpful and informative to them as it has been to many of us.
Bev

[Carin's Wife GG]

the road to where we are now has taken more than ten years. The stroke really put me on a set back.

I enjoy Carin being happy and content with herself. I connect with her on a very deep level. Sometimes I think I want a *male* male but then I realise the man I married was not the male kind of guy. I find myself attracted to the more sensestive man/partner. On our regular days I prefer the androgonios (sp) look. Nothing to out there.

I think when we both the other in account and can speak freely to each other about is bothering us we can have a very happy time together.


PS: My spelling needs to get better, sorry.

Louise.

[Noddia (SO)]

I am a SO who is trying wholeheartedly to support my BF. A lot of my feelings come from the way I was brought up so the next little bit will explain that… so if you are skimming skip the upcoming paragraph.

I am the eldest girl in a LARGE family. I had hand-me down clothes, shared a room with three of my sisters and have been a “mom” role most of my life. I have probably attended more parent-teacher conferences that some parents who actually have children. Because of my role the younger kids always came first. I learned to tolerate shopping. It isn’t any fun to go with three kids who like hiding in the middle of the clothes racks or who are just so antsy to get to the toy store. You get the point. As a result, I have never felt like much of a girlie girl. I never had anyone show me how to wear make-up and all that stuff. I’ve always been a mom – worried about the kids getting their homework done, resolving sibling fights, and making sure everyone gets fed, cleaned up and off to bed on time.

From my other thread, “I just found out – Need Advice” my experience of finding out and some of my feelings are explained there. I guess the things that initially bothered me the most were that he thought I would leave him over this and that he still shuts me out from this area of his life. Thanks to the support and advice from all of you I know that I know that I need to be patient but that my BF and I also need to sit down and talk about this some more. (That is scheduled for Friday!?!)

The more I think about how I feel the one thing I realized was that (don’t laugh) I kind of feel like an inferior woman. Growing up a “mom” didn’t leave me much time to develop the qualities that he seeks when he dresses up. My BF was the one that helped show me that shopping wasn’t all that bad. He has always been my fashion consultant. Actually, he does a much better job shopping than I do. He always gets me great outfits better than I could ever put together on my own. I don’t have any advice to give him… he’s the one with advice for me. I know this is something I have to get over and deal with.

In brief, I love my BF. Crossdressing doesn’t change anything about the kind, sweet, sensitive etc… guy I fell in love with. In fact, I think he is more of these things because of his CDing. As of right now that is all I can really say. Through more conversations and sharing I hope he will let me into her world.

[melissacd]

I guess the things that initially bothered me the most were that he thought I would leave him over this

Noddia,

This is not such an unusual thing for any CD to consider as a possible outcome because many, myself included, have had that happen to them as a result of revealing their cross dressing to a significant other.

There are some things, I am learning, that even a professed loving partner cannot overcome. In the end it is for the best to make that realization and move on to separate lives that will make each of them happy, to find what they really want in life.

It sounds like in your case that you love him enough to work with him and understand this thing that we do. That is a wonderful thing that you do. Continue to show your love and acceptance and nudge him to communicate with you and I am sure over time he will open up to you.

Good luck.

Huggs
Melissa

[teresa jeen]

what a lot of people fail to realize is that this is a part of me. just like opening the door for a lady!!(but thats another story). saying thank-you or excuse me when appropriate. its just part of me, if they cant understand there is no point to carry on.

[Stephenie S]

Not quite sure what your point is Teresa.

I know how my wife feels. She would just as soon it all would "just go away". However, she does know that it's not going to "just go away", so the two of us have got to find a way to deal with it.

I can imagine how much difficulty I would have if she wanted to become a man. If she started to wear a fake mustache, padded shoulders, crew cut, male suites and ties. If she started to bind her breasts or talked about getting them cut off. If she wanted to drink beer with the guys on Sunday afternoon, and belch and fart with the best of them. I know how difficult that would be for me, so I know how difficult my desires are for her to deal with.

She is a real trooper and I owe her a LOT! ANY wife or SO who is not running screaming from the house is worth more than we can ever know. I guess that's all I got to say.

Lovies,
Stephie

[SatinDoll00]

...I wish you and your BF the best!!

I know there is another thread going about this, so I will be brief. He is feeling extremely vulnerable right now. You are likely the only one he has ever told, or at least can be counted in a VERY select few. Show support for him by learning with him. You can tell him what you have posted here...I think it will go a long way with him. I know it would with me. Once the tension is over, you two can have a wonderful time together getting makeovers, shopping, etc. You have a great attitude about this, and I am sure he will confide more in you, but it make take some time. Imagine telling someone your deepest, darkest secret you have held since childhood. Now imagine that secret being something that most people would revile in disgust. That is what he is going through now. I don't want to make light of your feelings...but it sounds like you have a better handle on things than he does.

Best Wishes,
Morgan

[JudeGG]

Have to say that I hate it. I have only known for a year having been kept in the dark for 9 years before that. I'm not finding any positives about it. My marriage is in tatters presently.

We have constant circular arguments about the whole thing - and I find it very depressing.

I take my hat off to those women who not only accept, but embrace. Me, I'm never going to be one of those, it just isn't going to happen.

Future ........who knows.........i have no idea where we'll end up - or even if we'll end up there together.

I do try to be understanding, but I'm losing the battle with it all.

[Tree GG]

How do I really feel about it? What time is it? It changes in a heartbeat so I'll try to only mention the things that rarely change.

I'll start superficial. He has just a gorgeous male form, IMO, that any 45 yr old man would be envious of. Hell, most 30 yr olds don't look that good. I am puzzled why he couldn't appreciate his natural beauty.

He shows me emails or correspondence w/ other CDs in various support groups. The way they talk......hugs and "delightful" and "fabulous" and "sister".....honestly, it's quite nauseating at times. Anything male is "disgusting". ???? Wait a minute, I like alot of men, and the upper-crust wanna be, superficial, appearance driven female (or male) makes me hurl. Granted, I don't know many of these ultra disgusting men he and so many talk about....either I just have never interacted with them or I suspect they don't really exist. It's an act they drop when I'm around for some reason. But then I don't associate w/ many women who say "darling" and "isn't that precious" very much, either.

Generally CDs complain about being "labelled", but they're the biggest offenders. Labelling attitudes, actions & appearance "female" - avoiding anything they label "male". We spoke last evening of the domination thing. As a sexually active woman, I have never, in all our years, felt dominate or submissive with him during sex. He echoes that feeling. It's all about shared intimacy and pleasing & being pleased by the other. No control over, no "who's in charge", no "boys/girls can't do that". As I see it, gender has little to do with anything other than procreation. Other than that, it only has the meaning we assign it and I'm still baffled why TG persons put so much importance on it and then label it so strictly.

It has caused distress to my children. I cannot allow that. Mother-bear syndrome I guess, but I will educate, protect and try my best to teach but at a pace my child dictates is acceptable. Anything else is "tough tits" and get over it. No compromise - if there ever comes a time that my child (any family for that matter) is uncomfortable to come to my home because of it, there will be loads of anger and resentment on my part.

I do appreciate how sweet, gentle, loving and faithful my husband is. Now which came first - the fire or the phoenix ? If they go hand-in-hand, I will accept CDing as I am not willing to give up his disposition.

He obsesses about it - every day; maybe every minute as far as I know. Looking for next opportunity. Hoping to gain some kind of insight; some kind of validation or direction. I can't help there and I get annoyed that it takes away from other facets of our life too often(IMO). But then he has always been obsessive about any interest/activity he was involved in; that's not new.

Along those lines, I cannot treat Darlene differently than I treat my husband any other time. Actually, she's kinda boring. I do enjoy the increased communication and letting her out has definitely made him a happier, more easy going person, but when dressed she doesn't do much whereas he is always running around doing something. She'll break a nail, or muss her makeup or rumble her hair or soil a garment Hello....there's a reason Barbie doesn't move much and she's pretty dull after about the age of 16.

I do not see it as an "expression of the woman within", just a costume that he feels is necessary. Exactly what it means and it's importance is obviously different to each of us, but then my opinion is not important in that regard. Do I enjoy it? I enjoy looking at clothes and researching the community with him just as much as I enjoy walks in the woods with him or evenings on the patio with him. He is the common denominator, not the activity.

OK, nobody really wanted to read all this. As best I can sum it up, today Jul 24, 2007, I appreciate that this transgender expression is important to him; it has never been a fantasy, curiosity or desire of mine; I accept him as he is and will support him up to the point that this "activity" interferes, jeopardizes or harms the other people I love. Just as I can't be all things to him, he can't be my all. I regret that I don't share his enthusiasm for the activity only because I know it disappionts him, but I won't lie about it. I will be willing to learn, stretch the status-quo and grow, but I also feel that by crossdressing to full femme, he's shunning a gift he was given in this life and not fully dealing with the challenges that go along with it. He has the opportunity to show the world that gentle men are wonderful & powerful - by presenting female, I think that message gets lost. (I will duck now for that one )

If this is who he chooses to be, I respect his right to choose. I am learning to take that same responsibility for myself.

[Karren H]

Actually TreeGG.... I read the whole thing and am impressed by your openness and candor... Thanks!!!

Karren

[Ema1234 GG]

I think it's important to remember that everyone's situation is different. These threads are fantastic, and I find them extremely usefull but at the same time if anyone is reading this remember that not everything will be the same for your own personal experiences.

For me, no I'm not fully accepting but neither do I completely hate it. If that was true I don't think I would have found this site.

Being honest, I guess I really do fall into this catergory.

There are also some who dont like it but nevertheless love our partners unconditionally and so hang on in there.

BUT, I have a lot to be thankfull for. It isn't a big part of his life and he only feels the need to dress during times of stress. It's only sexual for him and to be honest he doesn't even go in for wearing what many of you do.

For him it's got to be sexy, infact all he owns is underwear and two pairs of shoes, 4in heels and 6in heels. During our chats I've asked him and he's expressed a small interest in perhaps wearing a very short skirt and perhaps a boob tube but only because in his eyes they can be just as sexy as nice underwear. He isn't wearing this to pass in anyway, he's wearing this because it turns him on.

And of course with our story, you've also got the fact that he like's pre-ops and I guess that's where my real problems start. I feel like I'm missing a vital piece of equipment for him. I can't and probably never will be able to accept that. As for the CDing, as the days and weeks and months go by bit by bit I learn to accept it more and more. It's not really that bad and in all honesty he keeps it seperate from me and if he get's turned on by wearing particular clothes then so what? I've got to admit I enjoy getting dressed up in very sexy underwear.

But the pre-op fetish? I will never accept that and it still pains me a lot now to even talk about it. But he doesn't rub it in my face and in fact it hasn't really been brought up since I first found his stash. But he doesn't like talking about it and gets really embarrassed so I don't think it's worth it. It's not going to go away just because I don't like it.

Ok well sorry for the huge post but I always do that and I'm not sure how much sense I've made to anyone apart from myself.

Oh and my feelings on this, particularly the CDing are likely to change on an hourly basis. But then again, that's all part of being a woman isn't it.

[mylitta]

To put you in the picture, I am fairly new at all this- been together 18 months and found out about 6 months ago.
One thing we seem to have in common, apart from loving our partners, is the changing feelings. Mine change from interest, to tolerance, to being frankly a bit freaked out by it all. And then I am upset because I'm freaked out, because there is no logical reason for it: he doesn't obsess about it, doesn't demand or expect participation, and is in all respects a loving and caring partner. Perhaps it's because I don't understand it, perhaps because part of it is still hidden from me ( though not secret) I don't know. So how do I feel? I only wish I knew- this continual swinging from one mindset to another is exhausting. The thought has crossed my mind that I wish I didn't know, but then it would be a time bomb waiting to explode, and most of the time I am glad it's not a secret any more.
What do I like about it? I suppose it is part of his personality and the 'soft' side to quite a masculine man is what attracted me: I have always been attracted to men with a strong feminine aspect to their personality.

What don't I like- as I said above, I don't understand it at all- I know how it makes him feel, and we have talked, but obviously not enough, but it is something I just can't empathise with. i also worry that there may be other secrets that I haven't found out about yet, though he assures me there aren't. But the trouble is, once trust has been lost, it's really hard to trust again, however much you want to. there's always that little niggle in the back of the mind.

The future? Hopefully we will manage to reach a state of equilibrium, where we each feel comfortable. It is certainly not something that would make me end the relationship.
Sorry- this is far too long ,and probably boring.

[NatalieH]

OK, nobody really wanted to read all this...

I really appreciate your thoughts...kind of a wake-up call, wondering if this could be what my wife really thinks. Before reading your post I would have said she's fully supportive, but you've given me a lot to think about. I don't want to take that support for granted. Thanks.

Natalie

[carol ann]

As someone in the closet because my wife would not wish to have the consequences of having to live with a crossdresser I have total empathy with TreeGG.

My wife loves and supports me utterly and gives me a wonderful life but she wants me as the male she married, had her children by, respected by in a working life and by friends and wider family. Why should she have her life turned upside down to meet my desires and compulsions.

So although she is aware that is as far as it goes and because I love her that is where it will stay and the childre will not know either.

Sometimes I wonder if my compulsions could be compared to alcoholism or drug addiction?

[Bev06 GG]

She is a real trooper and I owe her a LOT! ANY wife or SO who is not running screaming from the house is worth more than we can ever know. I guess that's all I got to say.

Lovies,
Stephie

Aw Stephanie how lovely. I have often thought that the GGs who struggle but stay to fight another day are the unsung heroes on here. We often hear how wonderful those of us are who dont have a problem and support whole heartedly, even joining in. But rarely do those ladies who really aren't sure about it, or who down right dont like it, get the encouragement and support that they so desperately need and deserve.
Bev

[Emily Ann Brown]

Bev........of course we dream of having the wife who is totally supporting, I sure did. But I agree with you about singing the praises of those who can't stand it but stay and forge some kind of working agreement (silent or spoken). Mine's agreement was "out the door" so I guess we know how much she really loved me.

Bras off to the wives that stay "for better or worse" !!!!!!


Emily Ann

[KandisTX]

Been there done that 3 times before.. first wife used it as a tool to get custody of my son. Second wife, left after the FORCED purge she did and refused to admit she was wrong and so she left instead. Third wife, in all honesty was getting jealous because Kandis would get more attention than she did when we went out together. Current (and final) wife, loves and supports me and is there for me through thick and thin.

Kandis

[Fab Karen]

He shows me emails or correspondence w/ other CDs in various support groups. The way they talk......hugs and "delightful" and "fabulous" and "sister".....honestly, it's quite nauseating at times.
Anything male is "disgusting". ????
*** ALL CD's do not think this way, let's not further stereotypes.

Generally CDs complain about being "labelled", but they're the biggest offenders. Labelling attitudes, actions & appearance "female" - avoiding anything they label "male".... As I see it, gender has little to do with anything other than procreation. Other than that, it only has the meaning we assign it and I'm still baffled why TG persons put so much importance on it and then label it so strictly.
*** For the most part it's TS people who do that. Also by the way, our society has labeled gender under strict definitions & rules, men aren't supposed to do some of the things women are allowed to do.


I do appreciate how sweet, gentle, loving and faithful my husband is. Now which came first - the fire or the phoenix ? If they go hand-in-hand, I will accept CDing as I am not willing to give up his disposition.



Along those lines, I cannot treat Darlene differently than I treat him.
*** And you shouldn't, Darlene & him are one person, just as you are you whether in jeans & t-shirt & zero make-up or all glammed up.

I will be willing to learn, stretch the status-quo and grow, but I also feel that by crossdressing to full femme, he's shunning a gift he was given in this life and not fully dealing with the challenges that go along with it. He has the opportunity to show the world that gentle men are wonderful & powerful - by presenting female, I think that message gets lost. (I will duck now for that one )
*** As a woman, if you don't wear high heels & make-up etc. and live & act girly, are you not fully dealing with the challenges of the gift you were given? How about encouraging him when in male-mode to be that gentle man as you put it, without the conflicted message of "be a man & stop all this business of dresses & make-up."

See *** sections above.

[Dee Talbot]

This is new to me to. And so far, I find myself accepting Barb's Cd'ing almost without reservation. Barb has just become another person in our life. I have drawn the line though, with having the children know Barbara. If Barbara wishes to be open with them when they are older, then that is her decision. But they are all too young IMO to deal with this.

I am fully aware that my level of acceptance is likely to change through time. Sometimes more, sometimes less. But, for right now.....I am good

In truth, and Barbara is aware of this, there are other issues we are dealing with that concern me a whole Helluva lot more than CD'ing.

The next step though, is going out in public with Barbara. And I don't know how I feel about that. Barbara has a little bit of a temper All it would take is for one intolerant idiot to say something, and Barbara could lose her cool. So, the concern is more about a possible altercation as opposed to being with her in public while dressed.

That said.......ask me this question again a year from now LOL! Let's see where things stand then!

Dee

[Ema1234 GG]

How about encouraging him when in male-mode to be that gentle man as you put it, without the conflicted message of "be a man & stop all this business of dresses & make-up."

Exactly where, in Tree's original post did you get the impression that she wanted him to "be a man & stop all this business of dresses & make-up"?

My interpretation of her post was that she is doing her damned hardest to be a supportive partner despite the fact that she does not fully accept his CDing. She even comments on how does enjoy particular aspects of his CDing as much as other shared activities.

I enjoy looking at clothes and researching the community with him just as much as I enjoy walks in the woods with him or evenings on the patio with him.

My own take on what she has said is NOT that she thinks he should stop dressing be "be a man" but that she is trying to express her desire for some of the traits he shows whilst presenting as a female to be expressed whilst in male mode for the simple fact that this may help battle the traditional stereotypys of what a man should and shouldn't be. From what I can see, having this point of view in no way means that she also thinks he should stop dressing, but simply that these characteristics may be better expressed in BOTH his male and female modes.

[melissacd]

I have to say that that is one of the most poignant posts that I have read on this site in a long while. I hung on every word that you said.

I found this especially wonderful:

"As a sexually active woman, I have never, in all our years, felt dominate or submissive with him during sex. He echoes that feeling. It's all about shared intimacy and pleasing & being pleased by the other. No control over, no "who's in charge", no "boys/girls can't do that". As I see it, gender has little to do with anything other than procreation. Other than that, it only has the meaning we assign it and I'm still baffled why TG persons put so much importance on it and then label it so strictly."

In my opinion this is spot on and I could not have said it better myself, there is nothing more admirable and worth aspiring to than an intimacy of equals.

Our definition and valuation of cross dressing is based on personal projections of femininity which are constructed from fantasy, readings, movies, observations and experiences, which like all projections are highly contrived and not particularly based on anything that really exists. Nonetheless, like anything that brings us joy in life, it does not have to be justified, just enjoyed.

We run into difficulty when we foist this onto others who want no part of it or who are not yet ready. I am the first to admit that cross dressing can be a very selfish form of self expression and because of social rules can become a very hurtful and damaging form of behaviour. In your post you have accepted that it is a part of someone that you love and yet you have placed this behaviour in a clear context so that boundaries are understood and homoured and consequences are clear. I respect that. You have also stated things in a way that shows that because of your love you are willing to be open to the behaviour (while not totally enamoured of it) because of that love and the other things that it brings into your life. I can see that these are important things if a relationship is to withstand this thing that we do. If the relationship does not have this, if it is on shaky grounds in other areas then this becomes the catalyst of demise. That I know from personal experience.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it has given me much to ponder.

Melissa

[melissacd]

Raverbabe,

This is an interesting statement:

"It's not going to go away just because I don't like it."

It caught my attention because you correctly point out that we cannot change others, we can only change how we respond. We may not like something about our partner, but we can choose to accept it or move on. I wish that I had learned that lesson a long time ago.

Thanks
Melissa

[SallyStone]

My wife and I have been married for thirty years. When I knew we were moving towards marriage I knew I had to tell her about crossdressing. She knew before we tied the knot. It was the right thing (the only thing to do). Telling her was the hardest thing I've ever done but I don't regret it, and I beleive it placed our relationship on a solid initial foundation.

Like most crossdressers I have been compulsive, obsessive, and over the top about it. My wife wasn't happy when I was like that so I learned to control those less desirable characteristics. She is very supportive, and I love her so much more for that. After 30 years together I have realized that crossdressing really isn't much different from any of the other things that can drive a wedge between spouses. Anything that's obsessive or extreme can damage a relationship over time.

I don't mean to speak for anyone here but I think that it is healthy and necessary for a husband and a wife to have a few independant interests. It is unreasonable to think that everything spouses do they have to do together. This is the tact my wife and I have taken regarding my desire to crossdress. Instead of golfing or playing cards regularly with the guys I wear dresses. I don't feel compelled to drag my wife along and she doesn't feel obligated to come. I do ensure that my social crossdressing adventures are safe. That is really the only demand she places on me.

And then there is compromise. There are rules and guidelines I gladly accept in exchange for her support and her understanding. The mutual compromise ensures that she doesn't grow to resent my crossdressing desires, and it still allows me the opportunity to enjoy crossdressing immensely.

I recognize that many women will never be able to cope with crossdressing. I do believe though, that if there is any hope at all of maintaining a relationship when crossdressing is involved, it will take commitment, understanding, and compromise on the part of both partners.

These are just my personal thoughts and I hope they are helpful.

Hugs,

Sally

[Bev06 GG]

You raise some very interesting points there Sally. I have to say after being married to a Golf addict for 16 years I know exactly what you mean. I was very happy that my husband had a hobby in which he could throw himself and unwind after a difficult week at work, I was more than happy to buy him accessories that helped him to pursue his hobby, I was also happy to listen to him talk about his favourite pastime. I wasn't however, happy to walk round the golf course with him, nor go and watch him every weekend, or even take the hobby up myself. I couldn't have thought of anything more boring and soul destroying for me personally.
It did actually in the end contribute to our demise as he preferred to spend all day on the golf course instead of at home with me and the kids, which would have been fine if it was the odd day, but when it came to the entire weekend, every weekend year in year out, it drew abit of a wedge between us.
I expect it can be the same with any hobby or interest Crossdressing included. Balance is a word that springs to mind which can be totally cancelled out if one becomes obsessive about ones interest.
Bev

[Kate Simmons]

Well Bev, I don't have an SO to deal with (right now) but I have to say I hate CDing because I love it. Now, that may sound strange but it's the way it is for me. I will admit I like looking nice and that in itself is a point of contention. Why? Because the time I spend doing that (getting ready, going out, dancing, etc.) takes away time from me being Richard. I enjoy being Rich. It's not so much that I have to go out this way because I can have just as much fun socializing and dancing as my guy self without a problem. So why do I do it at all? I just think it was something I was meant to do and I'm good at it and enjoy it and am a "natural" CDer. Some people have natural knacks for other things, mine is CDing. The last three years have been about myself coming to terms with sharing time as Sal and Rich and really re-discovering how much I like being a guy. I've learned to live with it in any case. Kind of a "necessary evil" it seems for me anyway.