My 12yr old son knows about my husbands crossdressing - NOW WHAT???

[Cheryl GG]

[SIZE="2"]HI to everyone I do know and those of you I dont...Its been a while since I have posted a thread even though I have continued to visit the site off and on to just read...

I finally shared my husbands "secret" side with my mother...I trusted her and confided in her ...my mother told my son that my husband was a crossdresser, that he was gay and blah blah...pretty much all the discriminating opinions about crossdressing (right and wrong ones) society infringes upon us...you would think her reason for telling my son this tid bit would be so that she could do what she felt was in the childs best interest...her reasons for telling this to a 12 yr old boy, who was sexually assaulted at the age of 8, were NOT for what she felt to be best for the child - she is trying to blackmail us...she wants money or she is threatening to contact the authorities and have them take my son from me if we dont pay her...she knows that my husbands mother died not long ago and that as a result there was inheritance and funds from a law suit...but we didnt become millionaires in it...

And so here, three weeks since my mother shared her wealth of information...my husband told/admitted to my son about his crossdressing (my husband did not tell me he was going to tell my son-we had not discussed it at all-which made me mad as *%# *#@^ and hurt that he didnt think about even stopping one second, grabbing his cell and saying hey im gonna tell him now and hang up geesh least I would have had warning or something)...I am not sure how the heck he explained it but I do know that yesterday my son and I were in a store picking out birthday cards for my husband...and my son picked up this card that was meant for a woman - pink detailed the while nine yards...and my son turns with the card in his hand, laughs and says we should get this one...I told him that the card was meant for a girl...he laughed again and said "but he's a girl too" and laughed again as he turned back to looking at cards

My son is in therapy - he has been for several years now...which he does he sees his psychiatrist on Thurs and I meet with his therapist on Friday - yet I aint sure what to tell her either...cause I really didnt think it wize to just let my child walk in and say hey did you know he likes to wear a dress?? So I made an appointment for she and I to speak on Friday before I schedule another appointment for him...I am just so not sure what to say though

Talk about a mess huh??? Anyone wanna trade places with me for a min or two???

My question is : How and WHAT do I say to this child about this? I am at a loss...I know that majority of you have children...I need to know what information and how deep with defining crossdressing do I go - I dont know what my husband said...and he has been out of state since the morning after this happened...and isnt due to return home for several more days...so I am on my own on this one...I guess that is what I am trying to ask...he needs to know an accurate definition...did any of you just come out and tell your children or did they find out by accident? how old were they when they knew? Any suggestions that you guys might have would be greatly appreciated...xoxoC/
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[Lissa Stevens]

He is old enough to understand as long as you are honest with him. He needs to know that being a crossdresser doesn't mean you are gay or a freak. If you don't explaing things to him soon it could cause problems between him and your husband. He might tell everyone he knows which could cause even more headaches. You DO need to tell his therapist so they know what questions and repercussions to expect.

[AmberTG]

I wish I had some advice for you on that one. My thought would be to let the boy's therapist tackle that one, she's a professional and will know what to say to your son. When you meet with your son's therapist, just tell her the story as it happened, if she's worth what you pay her, she'll handle the issue quite well. That's why we pay them so much, cause they're supposed to know how to deal with these things.
I can't imagine that the state could actually take your son simply because your hubby is a CDer. He doesn't do it in front of the boy, that's all that counts.
Sounds like your mother is quite the dandy! I'd be more than just a little pissed if my mother did that, I probably wouldn't let her see my son anymore if she did that to me.
Hmm, I guess I did have a little advice to give, after all.
I get a little worked up when I read about that kind of stuff, she had no thought of her grandson's welfare when she did that, that's really low!
Guess I'll stop before I rant some more.

[Sharon]

I'm not going to comment on what your mother did, but if it was anyone else but your mother, I would like to....

Talk to your son -- explain as completely as you can what crossdressing means to his father, what it is and isn't, and that his father is still the same man your son has known all of his life. Encourage him to ask questions and be as honest with him as you can be. And I would definitely be with your son on Thursday when he next sees his therapist, at least as quiet support until it is time to leave your son alone for some one-on-one.

Good luck!

[Stephenie S]

Dear Cheryl,

What a totally inconsiderate and obnoxiuous thing for your mother to do to you and her grandson. I would consider severing all ties with her immediately. Probably, you can't do this (she is your mother, after all), so I would just be VERY careful around her.

There is, of course, the chance that she genuinely felt it was in your child's best interest. In which case she needs some education quick. You may need a lawyer if she is really going to try and blackmail you. CDing is NOT illegal so there is not much she can go on there. Backmail, on the other hand, is VERY illegal. She is treading on thin ice here.

By all means share your concerns with your son's therapist. He/she needs to know everything that's going on.

As far as what to say to your son, I say TELL THE TRUTH. Don't embelish, don't elaborate, just tell him the plain honest truth. Children NEED the truth. They usually don't need long stories, just the truth. You child's therapist will agree with me. Tell him the truth. Crossdressing is neither illegal nor immoral. Many, many, many, people do it and continue to lead perfectly normal, productive lives. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. You and your husband need to show your son that you both understand this concept. And you have to show your mother this also. You can't blackmail someone about something they are not ashamed of. You need to laugh at her, and you need to laugh WITH your son.

Good luck, dear. Please PM me if you want to talk further about this.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Daintre]

My advice is to talk to your son and also talk to his therapist. My son learned about my dressing from my ex and we took my son to a therapist to make sure everything was OK. My son and I both talked to the therapist separately and then together. My son's only concern at the time was ....will this happen to him. The therapist was reassuring to him that just because the father dressed did not mean he would. It became a moot point after that.

As for your mother well I can't write what I think of her.....BUT.....this brings up a point....BE very careful what secrets you tell to others, as this shows, even a mother can be evil and hurtful.

[KandisTX]

Definitely get a lawyer on the Blackmail issue with your mother.

As to your son, talk to him, talk to his therapist, and when your husband gets home, all three of you need to sit down and have a serious family talk about it. When we told my daughter about Kandis, we made sure that she understood that it was something that only certain people are allowed to know about, and she was not the one who chooses who is told.

Children at that age are more understanding than many adults give them credit for. This does of course open a new realm of honesty with him that you may or may not have been ready for. I know with our daughter, GlitterGG and I are honest and answer her questions now with more honesty than we did before she knew about my CDing. In all honesty, I must say that I think it has done wonders for our family relationship, now she comes to either of us to talk about what's on her mind.

Kandis

[Cheryl GG]

as for my mother...she will never see ANY of my kids again...EVER...nor will she ever see me...self-serving *&^#!...and she has never done what she thought best for anyone other than herself...

I will never tell another sole about my husbands crossdressing...lord if I cant trust my own mother then who can I trust?

I am not really angry that my husband told my son...am glad he did in a way - but he should have warned me some how rather than walk in and just blert out "well he knows Im a crossdresser" when they both walked in the door...

[KandisTX]

as for my mother...she will never see ANY of my kids again...EVER...nor will she ever see me...self-serving *&^#!...and she has never done what she thought best for anyone other than herself...

I will never tell another sole about my husbands crossdressing...lord if I cant trust my own mother then who can I trust?

I am not really angry that my husband told my son...am glad he did in a way - but he should have warned me some how rather than walk in and just blert out "well he knows Im a crossdresser" when they both walked in the door...

I can understand your frustration with your mother. God knows I've been there on the "non-accepting, non-discussing in an adult manner" receiving end of that talk.

There may be things you cannot discuss with your husband, but know that you can always ask those questions here. While we are not your husband, odds are pretty good someone here has been there done that.

First I would suggest talking to your son and asking him "What did Daddy tell you about crossdressing"? that might give you some insight into how well he understands what he has been told. Then you can figure out the next step to take with him.

Kandis

[KimberlyS]

Cheryl, I feel for you. Our children are in this age range and we have decided that this age range is not the best for telling children. But we also have agreed that if they ask they will not be lied to about it and told what they need to know. In fact my wife has already begun laying the ground work for telling them via education of different TG things as they come up.

I agree he is old enough to talk to and understand. He already sounds like he has some acceptance of it with the card. Like we tell the CDers to do with their wifes, you just need to sit down and talk with him. He does not need to know everything, but be honest with him. It may help to know what your husband said to him in general, but do not let that delay your talking with him. It also may or may not be of an advantage to have your husband their at the same time depending on the overall relationship of everyone.

And yes I agree your husband should have told you. It all goes back to communication, communication, communication for a health and good relationship. I am still working on that one also.

I also think how you are handling the therapist is good. Letting them know ahead of time allows for them to be prepared for the subject and maybe have some prepared directions/questions, along with maybe educating there self ahead of time. You may even need to do some education of the therapist.

As for your mother. ARGGGGGGGG FAMILY.

Good luck,

[RobertaFermina]

Cheryl....Telling him things before he is ready or prepared to understand can cause more confusion. Figure out if he has the mental/emotional vocabulary before adding more information.

You best bet might be LISTENING to where he is at with this, and how he is evaluating himself, you, husband and grandma. Then you can at least respond to areas where he has shown to have questions and (mis-)information.

Helping him feel comfortable as possible, and OK is probably the most important thing to do.

If his therapist and psychiatrist (same or two different people?) have your respect, and his attention, ask them what they think...work with them.

If they can't work with you and your son on this, consider whether they have your son's best interest at heart.


Roberta

[Carin]

Hang in there Cheryl, you are doing a fine job and you are on the right track. Just remember to take a deep breath every so often.

Your son is not traumatized. He is able to joke about it. He was probably also fishing for some more information in the process. Misinformation is much worse than the truth in this situation, and who knows what misinformation your mother fed him.

He will take his first que on acceptance from you. He probably got the gory details from you husband. He really wants to know how you feel about it. If he understands that your husbands crossdressing is not objectionable to you then it will be easier for him. If you need an analogy that he can understand, crossdressing (variance in gender identity) is as natural as left-handedness.

Getting the therapist on the same page is perfect. This is a team effort and everybody needs to be on the same team. That includes you son. Your mother did damage. Let the therapist know. He/She is part of the cleanup crew.

I've been there and walked in your shoes, but that is my story and this is yours. PM me for details if you feel the need.

Hang in there and we will hang in with you.

As for your mother. If you feel the need to take preventive measures you could talk to your own therapist (an LCSW) or a lawyer. If they feel that it is warrented they can write a letter to Child Protective Services indicating that your Mother has an agenda.

[Katie Moore]

Kids are pretty resilent. Most times we hide a bunch of stuff from them because we think it is in their best interests. But the truth of the matter is they are pretty accepting about alot of things. The fact that your boy wanted a card for his Dad that was womanly says alot. I say be open and honest with your kid. You're be suprised.

As for your mama...well




Wishful

[Joy Carter]

Just another reason for not telling anyone you love and care about.

You just never know how they are going to take it.

[Carroll]

In a way I am lucky that both my kids 5y and 8y know about it, and my youngest's consoler knows also. I would also strongly suggest you talk to you hubby about what he said to your son, and let him know that your sons therapist needs to know as soon as possible. I do hope that things work out for you. As far as your mom.....well, I'll leave that alone

[Kerry Owens]

If he can joke about it, he's starting to relax about it, and yes, honesty is the best policy at this point. Your mother on the other hand....you might want a lawyer to put the fear of something in her way.

[Toyah]

I would really like to help here but really don't know what to say. I am very worried that someone so young is in therapy that just does not seem right. From what I know of therapy I am guessing the whole family is involved so maybe the solution is the therapist (not something I have ever said before ).I truly hope you resolve this one amicably

[jeniinnylons]

I have to ask did your husband now youwere going to telyour mother??

I really hope so because if he/she didn't then why do you think you have a right to be mad at him for not telling you that he was going to speak to the son.

[Eugenie]

If he can joke about it, he's starting to relax about it, and yes, honesty is the best policy at this point. Your mother on the other hand....you might want a lawyer to put the fear of something in her way.

Kery's reaction was the same as I had when reading your first post. You son seems to have a good sense of humor... This is a very good point for him.

If you and your husband can talk to him in words adapted to his emotional level and maturity, he will most likely be fine.

I think that he mays have more difficulties understanding your anger against your mother though... Unless he understood the devious attitude his grand-mother seem to have had, he won't accept easily that he won't see again his grand mother. He may very well not have perceived how nasty it was for her to tell him about his father's X-dressing and in the way she did tell him...

Actually reading what you said about the post card anecdote, your son may have taken this revelation rather well.

Be careful of what you tell the therapist... Some are excellent and understand transgender issues, but some can react quite negatively to X-dressing...

It seems that so far you have done a great job. Remain alert of your son's behaviors, in particular of the changes that you may see. Keep talking to him and also listen to what he says.

I wish you, your son and your husband all the best.

Eugenie

[Jehiiis]

I agree with the idea that your son seems to accept the notion of his dad dressing in women's clothes. I started crossdressing at a younger age than he is now. He may have thought about it regarding himself, or he may have never given it a thought, but for your mother... However... If my mom or dad or grandma, told me something like that, out of the blue, I would be disgusted. Understand my disgust would come from hearing anything to do with my mom and dad's "sexuality", even if it was just crossdressing, not from thinking my mom and/or dad had a problem or were wierd or anything like that. I'm sure if my dad crossdressed, even around the house, open to all of us when I was a kid, I would be ok with it, I just wouldn't want to hear him talking about how much he likes his new dress, how he likes this fit or that, etc... Like I said I started crossdressing by at least age 8, in secret, of course, I think... lol, and I could handle being around my dad dressed, if that's how he was, but I, like most kids don't want to hear about "gross parent things", same now at age 38... lol Heck kids don't even like to have "the talk" (about sex, safe sex, when to/not too, blah blah blah... lol) in general.
I'll add my thought... haven't seen this put this way anywhere on the forum, but I may have missed it...
When growing up, girls often relate more to being tomboys. They don't neccesarily want to BE boys. This doesn't mean they are gay or bi, or even want to grow up and be gay or bi. Just means they have a masculine side, that often times continues into adulthood. Heck a female can even state that she is a tomboy and it be well known she is a tomboy, and never be considered to be gay. So what is it called when a boy/man feels the desires to express their feminine side? Sallygirl? sissygirl? Jillgal? lol, dunno... Society on the whole can see the tomboy in a girl and accept it, but it's the stigma that crossdressing has attached to it that keeps society from accepting that a straight, (never gay or bi, never wannabe gay or bi), male can have an overt, if even only in the closet or at home, feminine side. We exist!
I am a tomboy, or to put it more masculinely, a sissygirl... lol
Just a few words for you to ponder, I guess... :-)
Anyone know a masculine equivalent to the description that the term tomboy implies?

[Jenny Beth]

Hmmmm, where to start. Well first of all I have to say that since your son picked a girly birthday card he certainly doesn't have a problem with it. Kids these days know a lot more about things like this than we ever did at that age. I do agree with you though that your husband should have had the courtesy to inform you of his intentions prior to telling your son but what's done is done. As for explaining your husband's crossdressing to him further I'd keep out of that one, this is something your husband should be telling him and (hopefully) has answers for. Now as for your mother.....wow that's hard to fathom. Blackmail by the way is an criminal offence, crossdressing isn't and I doubt very much even if she were to contact authorities that they'd take your son away. This whole thing sounds like it could get vey ugly.

And since you inquired about kids finding out I can tell you my daughter found out about me when she was 16. She is very okay with it now but just as with wive's she was very hurt that I hid it and didn't confide in her. I hope things don't get to the point that all hell breaks loose, maybe when some of the smoke clears cooler heads will prevail.

[Tamera]

Since he already knows, feed him a WEALTH of EDUCATION but pace yourself according to his UNDERSTANDING..
Tamera

[CharleneCD]

He will take his first que on acceptance from you. He probably got the gory details from you husband. He really wants to know how you feel about it. If he understands that your husbands crossdressing is not objectionable to you then it will be easier for him. If you need an analogy that he can understand, crossdressing (variance in gender identity) is as natural as left-handedness.

Getting the therapist on the same page is perfect. This is a team effort and everybody needs to be on the same team. That includes you son. Your mother did damage. Let the therapist know. He/She is part of the cleanup crew.

.

Carin says it very well. But to add, on be totaly honest with him. Kids his age can pick up on lies or half truths too easily, and then they do not know what to believe.

[Just Rachel]

I have to ask did your husband now youwere going to telyour mother??

I really hope so because if he/she didn't then why do you think you have a right to be mad at him for not telling you that he was going to speak to the son.

I have to agree with jeniinnylons on this one. Seems you broke hubby's trust first. I was married to a CD for 23 years and never, never would have considered telling anyone. We were adults and it was our personal business.

Best of luck with your situation!

[Claudia Zylindrias]

We have 5 kids between both me and my SO. 3 are mine 2 hers. They all know I have always been upfront about it. I have strictly emphisised that because i wear a skirt at times, never will be the time that i'm NOT your father. Honest and direct is usually best as for your Mother Does "Def. of charater" and "psychological abuse" ring a bell, call a lawyer and teach her a lesson. On top of the fact that he is already in theraphy for a tramatic experience in the past which i assumed she knew of as well?