need advice-discovered dad is crossdresser

[Michelle (Oz)]

Dear Wondering

I can only speak for the sought of person I am. The odds are that your father will be similar but only after you talk openly with him will you be able to form that judgment. You husband is refreshingly open and his suggestions are good ones.

I have a daughter and son 33 and 31 who do not know I cross dress although my dressing started well after they left home. I have 3 step children aged 13, 14 and 16 who do not know I crossdress by agreement with my wife. Often I feel deceiptful in not telling them. They see the clothes, jewelry, shoes, etc around but don't ask questions. Our concern is that they may not be able to understand particularly while they are going through puberty.

If they find out accidently at some point, they will likely feel deceived like you. But at what point is it "safe" to share our secret with our children? The longer it goes the more culturally biased we become defining gender as binary, i.e. all feminine or all masculine and therefore our biases become deeply ingrained. That's why your husband's attitude was, on the surface, refreshing.

Cross dressers usually combine feminity and masculinity in a different proportion to the norm but everyone is not totally masculine or feminine. You may well find that your father is more nurturing and caring as a result of who he is. My wife tells me that I am.

This is very different to whether we are physically male or female, or what is our sexual preference. In the latter case, there is every reason to think and expect that your father is heterosexual, but so what?

You are reflecting the very fears that prevented your father telling you about himself and carrying the great burden of secrecy. If you didn't know about his dressing, what would you have thought about his skills as a grandfather?

Love him and be compassionate. Talk to him about your fears. Decide together whether you want your child to understand about grandfather. Your child has the chance to grow up without the prejudices of society.

Michelle (Oz)

[jjjjohanne]

You never knew because he didn't want to tell you. Now that you know, it is alright to let him know that you know. You unfortunately were exposed to his secret in the worst way, I suppose. Be cautious. Your mother might not know. Now, you hold a mighty weapon with which you can really hurt him. Wield it wisely!

Joe

[Emily Ann Brown]

A dresser's worst nightmare.....exposed to his children.

Most of us fear what our family will think if they found out. We get painted as pervs by the Jerry Springer crowd. Most of us here would NEVER go on that show or be invited because we are BORING. We live normal dull lives and have normal dull relationships with our families. We are boringly heterosexual.

My daughter knew all about me. She was my biggest supporter. Some of my best memories of her will always involve shopping for Em and the closeness. I was lucky to have accepted myself before she knew. I was ready to be open and tell all (why not...secret was out). Your dad may not be as comfortable with himself as I am....don't be surprised if he is short on words for a bit when he realizes you know. Just let him hear the words that he will crave most. You love him still and that will never change.

Now let out your breath dear.


Emily Ann

[samantha78]

No need to worry, as it was stated he probably had done this most of his life, with out you finding out till now. he's not gay. Most likely it will be hard for him to talk about it at first with you. Show him your open minded, become his best friend.
He should open up to you. Just don't egg him on the situation.

[Sheri 4242]

This talk could define the remainder of your association with your dad, so you need to get this right!!!

Please, please, please: read and re-read what Emily Ann posted a few posts before this one. Also, if you have time, please read (and respond to, if you have time) the thread I started yesterday entitled "Acceptance . . . By Other Than SO." (When I last checked a few minute ago it was on Page One of these threads.)

Emily Ann's daughter was accepting and encouraging, thus I guess you could say she helped Emily Ann in spirit and intrinsic essence -- and they had an enriched relationship because of this!!!!!!!

[SIZE="3"]Emily Ann lost her daughter to cancer the other day[/SIZE] -- [SIZE="3"]which underscores in no small part why I have said to you that what you do about, and with, this knowledge could very well define the remainder of your association with your dad[/SIZE]!!!!!!!

[Veronica 1]

I am on the other side of the coin, my son and his family will be moving back home shortly and will be staying with me for the first little while. I am new to crossdressing and I am totally exploring my feminine side and loving it. I will have lots of time with the family so my dressing will be put on hold while they are here. I would hate to be an influence on my grandsons, if they are going to CD, let them discover it for themselves. I am sure that your father feels the same but you could bring up in casual conversation some subjects to lead him to opening up. If he does not, then don't push it, but keep hinting over time that you suspect and maybe he will open up to you. He is not a sexual predator, he just likes to wear lace.

[Marcie Sexton]

I don't think you have any thing to worry about...I'm sure he was a great father to just as he is a better grand father to your child...

If he is any thing like me, he would go above and beyond the call to protect a child, his or any other...Enjoy your father and when and if the time becomes right I'm sure he will reveal all to you...

It is the preconceived notions about CDers you have mentioned that continue to haunt us in main stream society...While I'm not condeming you, just sit back and see what we really are...You father, next door neighbor, the police officcer on the beat, the bus driver you ride to work...We are normal as any one else, we simply like to wear the fairer sex's clothing...

[Holly]

Hi Wondering. I can't really add much to what has been written already. We tend to fear things that we don't understand. Cross dressing is very mis-understood. The fact that you are here is a huge plus. My daughter and my son both know. My daughter, like you, discovered my "secret" quite by accident. If you would like to read about that, then please click this link. My daughter is a member of this forum (as is my wife) and you will also see her reaction in this thread as well. From my perspective, we are closer than ever. Just this past May, she was married and I (as her father) walked her down the aisle (although I did tease her that I had to look for a father-of-the-bride dress ). I hope the same thing for you as well, that you and your dad will become even closer. I hope that you will let us know what happens... feminine curiosity.

[Angie G]

I don't think you need worry about you son with your dad dressind don't make him gay and you know your dad would ha do anything dab to the boy
Angie

[wondering]

OK...first of all, I can't tell you all how grateful I am for your understanding, advice, & information. I feel like giving you all a big hug! I have to confess something & I know some of you are going to disagree with my decision. I snooped through my father's things. I know it was wrong, but somehow I felt better afterward. It surprised me that it's not really "hidden". I have so many questions now, but don't know how to ask them. My husband thinks we should tell my dad that we know & we're ok with it. I'm not ready for that. What if he would prefer to keep it his secret? But then what if it would relieve him to know that we know? He has struggled with depression for several years & I now wonder if this secret contributes to that. I am also not clear on what end of the spectrum he is on. Does he wish he were a woman or is it just a sexual fetish for him? The thing that really threw me off was that he had several dildos amongst his things. Keep in mind this is an older single man. Now I'm really confused! The other thing that gets me is the way all the items are so old & tacky for lack of a better word. I found jewelry, make-up, shoes, perfume. I'm wondering if anyone knows? Does he have an outlet to confide in people like this one? Does he go anywhere like this? There are so many things I want to know, but I just don't feel I can ask him. I don't want to embarass him. Is it better to just let things be. I have to admit, it has brought me closer to him in a weird way. It's like all the sudden I'm really paying attention to everything. He seems so completely not like someone who would do this. I know that sounds bad-I'm just trying to speak openly here. I really hope to hear from some of you again.

[BarbaraTalbot]

like grief, first denial (my dad cant be doing this). Bargaining (If he will just quit I'll forget I found out). Depression (my life is so diffesent and can;t go back to how it was.) Anger. (How can he either do this and complicate my life, or if he must not be more careful about hiding it??). Acceptance (He is who he is, has always beens so most likely and none of this negates the way I felt before I knew.


Now I just threw this together because I wanted to say something before you took off again, possibly not to return.


What to do now is the hard part. He would be mortified is he knew how you found out and the specificity of what you know. I sense that you sincerely regret knowing as much as you do and really only sought to understand, but nothing else can be gained by more snooping other than embarrassing him and possibly you further.

Whether to tell him you know, is a hard one. I agree that if you do a lot of good could come especially if you can at least go through the motions of telling him in a loving way the level to which you are comfortable supporting him. He could benefit from a place like this and if you talked to him you could mention it. All of that is secondary to you just accepting and loving your dad in your own mind no matter what you decide to do.

Best wishes for you and your dad.

Edit: also if you can post 7 more posts you can then access features such as private messaging here if you want to ask questions of specific members you dont want to ask in the open. Also with more posts, you could join the gg (genetic girl) forum where maybe your issues might resonate with some members that might feel more free to let you air your concerns without risk of 'offending' us crossdressers. But you shouldn't worry about that you certainly haven't offended me or I dare say anyone here with your sincere questions.

[Sweet Jane]

I won't comment on your original post as there has been so much good advice given, I could only cover the same old ground

He seems so completely not like someone who would do this.
...I am so sure thats what most people who know me would say about me. I am not some fey overtly androgenous guy when I am drerssed like one. I am a normal looking and acting guy, who goes and fights fires for a living....................then theres this other person who has hidden within for almost all my life...the girl!!!! I'm sure she doesn't turn me into a pervert or anything. She does make me a little embarrassed simply because most people don't understand it, me included.
My children don't know (I think), but I hope they would view me as the same Dad they grew up with, albeit with a strange side, if they ever discovered Jane...I don't ever intend to tell them.
I think lots of us here conform to masculine normality when we are guys, so there are possibly some other guys you know who also harbour this secret to some degree or another................I often wonder if any of my friends are keeping the same secret!!

[Jaquelyn]

If you are not ready to have an open, honest talk with him about this, then don't. You will have to be ready yourself to accept things about your father that you may find uncomfortable. You seem to act squirmish or be in denial about finding things like sex toys, and what they might be for. If you bring this up, be ready for a lot of posiblilities. He could do this for fun, for a sexual kink or because he has gender identity issues. Again, we, meaning MTF crossdressers, do this for lots of reasons. Thats why we have a place like here: to share and learn from each other, without judgement. If you talk to your dad, that's what you have to do. Listen, share and learn about him, and try not to judge. Sometimes, with people we love, that's a hard thing to do.

[Val702]

I am a father, an ex husband (whose X-wife knows he is a crossdresser), a professional, and not gay. I am trusted to watch my daughter anytime. I always do this in boy mode, cuz my daughter needs her father. Your father needs a little understanding. He is probably afraid for you to know. I remember being afriad when I told my wife. It is not easy to bring the subject out. You probably know him well enough to decide how to handel this.

[TerriM]

Dear Wondering

I want to thank you for writing this site asking about your father. I am a father of 5 children and have two beautiful grandchildren that give me more joy than I can say. None of my children know, at least as far as I know. One of my biggest fears is that if my daughter and son-law found out that I was a crossdresser that it would affect the realtionship I have with my grandkids. I know my son-in law would be shocked the most. We have a great relationship and I would never want to see it change. Your writng resulted in a lot of good information and maybe helped a lot of other people.

Yours Terri

[Chantelle CD]

As you can see, there are a lot of cross dressing Dad's out there There has been a lot of good advice, and wize words given to you already, ill add a few things that come to mind to say to you...

What we feel and express when dressing this way, makes us softer, more aware of the ways of woman, understanding, compassionate, and yes feminine. That is not a bad thing, it opens us up to expressing more of ourself, and we become and feel more complete because of it. Your child would be just as safe exposed to him in any way he dresses, depending on how you want your child to understand this part of life, gay matters, or what ever, i would want a child of mine if i had one, not to judge others, but be accepting of people what ever race, sexual orientation ect.

He probably has been a cross dresser most of his life like most of us, you said he had depression, most likely fighting this part of himself, as most of us went threw, before accepting ourselves.


As far as the toys you found, anal sex for men is totally normal, and pleasurable. weather your gay, straight, and use toys, again , nothing to worry about, other than the fact you just found out a bit more about your dad, maybe something you shouldn't have found out about, any more than him knowing what makes you tic sexually.

I would stop snooping about his privates, and talk to him, get some understanding with him, and for his sake, i wouldn't go telling the whole family, other people either, for his sake, he most likely has kept it well hidden since he was a child, and because of how most see this, we have to keep it hidden. You wouldn't want him more depressed would you.

Just in case you didn't know, cross dressing has been around for a looong time!! Has been done and goes back a long ways. Has always been kept hidden, because a man feeling feminine is just taboo, but its totally ok for a woman to feel there masculine side. Woman fought for there right to ware pants, there once was a day they were looked down at for this, and is now totally accepted. Feeling feminine, and pretty are emotions that not only a woman can have, believe it or not, but its true, it doesn't make you gay, it only mean that one can feel more of the emotions and feelings that are avalible for us to feel, along with them comes a even deeper sense of self, and compassion, basically what the male population has been lacking, for way to long!! I can bet, your dad is a very caring person....isn't he?

Trust me dear, he is not a freak, someone to hide your children from, he shouldn't be looked at differently by you, now that you know. You came to the right place for answers, please don't go telling everyone his secret he has been hiding for so long, he may even be fighting this inside himself still. TALK to him, if you cant just let it go, and let him be with this and treat him as you always have. Talk to him if you want to be closer to him, and even meet this woman that is a part of him, we all have this opposite side to ourselves, im sure you have felt the strong willed, hardened male side of yourself, that gives you strength in times of need. No need for tears, he is not dead, he is still your father, that will never change.

[Stephanie Mancini]

[SIZE=2]am going to keep this short , you have the most wonderful father any girl would wish to have , go give him a hug and be there for him just this once , [/SIZE]

[SIZE=2]Steph [/SIZE]

[immike]

Help! I think I just discovered (by accident) that my father (who is now single) is a crossdresser. I am very confused. It was definitely not something I was supposed to find-it was a complete accident. I don't know if I should just tell him what I found or just forget about it. Should I bring this up with him & if so...how? I am in total shock and I cried all day. I'm not against it, I'm just not familiar with what this means. Does this mean he is gay? My biggest concern is that I have a toddler son who adores his grandfather & stays with him often. Do I have any reason to be concerned about leaving my child with him now that I know this? I hate to think that way, but there are just so many things to worry about as a parent. I want to have an open mind about this, but I'm a little scared. I've only shared this with my husband & he seems to think we should talk to him openly about it & that I have nothing to worry about as far as our son is concerned. He thinks it's not that unusual of a thing & it doesn't necessarily make him gay or that it would mean he has the potential to do anything inappropriate in front of or with his grandson. I just need some advice on whether to approach this with my dad or not & whether or not I have any reason to be concerned about my child. And then there's the fact that this came out of nowhere & took me by total surprise-I feel like this whole day was just a dream. I cried afterward, but I don't really know why. This is just not something I would ever imagine him doing. I hope someone replies to this with some honest & understanding advice.

Your Father will always be the strong,take charge,sensitive,caring,loving&
protective person you remember growing up&his love for you will never ever
stop&his love&caring for his grandchild or grandchildren will never stop.It's
a phase,it helps him deal with the everyday stresses of life.He'll always be
manly,macho&tough,but he discovered something that allows him to leave
the stress behind for an hour or so,being in the wardrobe of the opposite sex
and feeling what it feels like from a womans perspective.I do it,I'm a closet
crossdresser,I am guilty of sneaking into mothers closet&secretly dressing in her wardrobe.I only order undies&pantyhose out of mothers womens catalogs,
which I wear,as I try on many of mothers good wardrobe.I love to pull out a short mini skirt&silk blouse,in addition to a pair of heels.More often,though,I
love to dress in her short skirtsuits&all of her good pantsuits.I get pleasure out of dressing in her wardrobe,using one of her wigs,sitting at her make-up
table&doing my hair,nails&lipstick&borrowing one of her purses.

[Melinda G]

I have been crossdressing since the age of 14, and neither my kids, nor my grandchildren know anything about it, unless my ex told them. And I don't think she did.

[JULIE33362]

I Just Love To Dress Up I Have 2 Kids 3 & 5 My Wife Helps Me Dress Talk To Your Dad When You Calm Down Do More Reading About This Good Luck Rember He Is Still Your Dad All The Good Thing R Still There Now You Know

[Zee]

OK...first of all, I can't tell you all how grateful I am for your understanding, advice, & information. I feel like giving you all a big hug! I have to confess something & I know some of you are going to disagree with my decision. I snooped through my father's things. I know it was wrong, but somehow I felt better afterward. It surprised me that it's not really "hidden". I have so many questions now, but don't know how to ask them. My husband thinks we should tell my dad that we know & we're ok with it. I'm not ready for that. What if he would prefer to keep it his secret? But then what if it would relieve him to know that we know? He has struggled with depression for several years & I now wonder if this secret contributes to that. I am also not clear on what end of the spectrum he is on. Does he wish he were a woman or is it just a sexual fetish for him? The thing that really threw me off was that he had several dildos amongst his things. Keep in mind this is an older single man. Now I'm really confused! The other thing that gets me is the way all the items are so old & tacky for lack of a better word. I found jewelry, make-up, shoes, perfume. I'm wondering if anyone knows? Does he have an outlet to confide in people like this one? Does he go anywhere like this? There are so many things I want to know, but I just don't feel I can ask him. I don't want to embarass him. Is it better to just let things be. I have to admit, it has brought me closer to him in a weird way. It's like all the sudden I'm really paying attention to everything. He seems so completely not like someone who would do this. I know that sounds bad-I'm just trying to speak openly here. I really hope to hear from some of you again.

It may be that he secretly wishes he was a woman, but then again, it may not. Might I suggest that you take dad out for coffee, alone. You and him. Having your husband around may make him feel awkward. Then tell him how you accidentally found some of his things. Make sure he knows how you feel about it too. Being open and honest is always the best. Even if it hurts, in the long run people are better off for it. Let him know you love him. Give him hugs and lots of them. After all this will be a very vulnerable time for him.

However, before you do this, YOU need to find out what this means to you. Are YOU OK with it? Do you want to see him dressed? Is it OK with your husband? What boundries, if any, do you see yourself putting up? Once you figure out how comfortable (or not) you are with the idea of dad dressing up, you can have a talk with him.

Be fair to him and to yourself. IF everything is cool, consider this... you have a new shopping partner

Lots o' love and luck
Z

[Glenda58]

Wondering talk to him he's not a bad guy set limits if he doesn't have them already. I know I'm a grandfather of 4. I live alone and can dress 24/7 but whent the kids come everything is put away and locked up. My daughters know about my CDing that why their mother and I don't live together and she told them. With 3 grandsons they like coming over to see PAPA because I'll get down and play with them. While the other PAPAs can't because they're out of shape. And My granddaughter likes it because PAPA will listen to her talk about dressing and playing house or with dolls.

Just talk with him he's still the man you grew up loving and he hasn't don't anything to change that. It's not the cloths that makes the man but his heart.

[sissystephanie]

Wondering,

I am a 75 y/o widower CD, whose wife knew before we were married. I told her and she not only was O.K. with it, she participated with me. Doing my makeup, hair, etc. We have two wonderful children who have never been told, and 3 grandchildren.

When our daughter married a man with 2 children, we took care of them while they went on their honeymoon. I would not ever think of touching a child sexually, and I doubt if any other CD would. So I think you have no problem there.

The major problem, which arose in your last post, is why were you "snooping" in his house? That is going to be hard to explain if you do decide to confront him. I live by my self, and have my feminine things in the closets and in the dresser drawers. But my two grown children know that if they come to my house, they are under my rules. One rule has always been, if the door of a room is closed don't go in! So when they come over, I close the bedroom door. If I leave the house I also close it. And I would definitely know if anyone had been in the room and gone thru my things.

You are the only one who can answer the question as to why you did it. And you are the one who will have to explain it to your dad. If you can come up with a plausible explanation, then I think you should tell him. But you invaded his privacy, and that might be hard for him to swallow. I would tread very lightly with him no matter what you do, but above all let him know in no uncertain terms that you love him, whether you tell him what you found or not. If you don't do that, as has already been said, you are risking HIS whole future life. If you truly love your Dad, you surely don't want to risk his future like that. Being single, whether thru death or divorce, he is lonely I'm sure. Crossdressing may be an escape for him. It is for me! I have been a widower for over 2 years, and I am lonely at times so I CD. Thank heaven I have a very wonderful Internet GGF in Scotland to keep my spirits up.

Sissy

More Girl than man sometimes

[Rosaliy Lynne]

... I have to presume he helped rear you -- what kind of dad was he? What kind of person have you turned out to be? If he is a crossdresser, he was probably a whole lot more nurturing than most dads!

This said, take it slow!!! You have uncovered something that most crossdressers have lived with since they were children (some were teenagers, but many of us have been crossdressing -- and knew what we were -- from age 4, +/-). Just FYI, most crossdressers grow up and live in extreme deep fear, with an incredible, almost unbelievable, amount of shame. We are, for the most part, the most closeted people you'll ever study. That said, I could be wrong, but it sounds as if you think highly of him -- that he was a good dad. He's still the same man!!! And, your children are not in harm's way b/c of this revelation!!!

...
What is important is your attitude -- whether you eventually talk to your dad or not. If you do, PLEASE: don't talk to him until you have done plenty of research!!! Many crossdressers NEVER tell their wives -- their soulmates -- b/c that is how deep the fear and guilt runs. Society laughs at Tootsie and Mrs. Doubtfire, but frowns on a dad, husband, friend, or brother they find out dresses up.
...

Best Wishes!!!

Remember. Before you knew this, he was your dad. Now that you know this, he is your dad. Nothing of value has changed.

I commend you for researching the subject. The more you find out the less of a 'threat' it will all seem.


But on a lighter note.......
If you found out that he secretly dressed up as a Super Hero would you be alarmed for the welfare of your child? They two subjects are not related are they? (Unless he wants take him flying?)


If you found a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs and red highheels under his bed.......would you REALLY think it wise to have a long meaningful discussion about the subject? Or just keep it to yourself?


You've been given some outstanding advice. Good luck in your research.

Makes you think. Why would a man dressed as a super hero, which our children often hold to be true of us when they are still 'children', be a better person that the same man dressed as a woman?

A dresser's worst nightmare.....exposed to his children.

...
Just let him hear the words that he will crave most. You love him still and that will never change.

Emily Ann

As noted in a previous post, you literally hold his life, even his future, in your hand. If he hears from you what Emily Ann said just above ... imagine how YOU would feel in his shoes.