Divorce. Don't Tink It Can't Happen To You!

[Rhonda Jean]

Hello Everybody
It's been quite a while since I last posted. A lot has hapened. None of it good. My "tolerant" wife of 29 years has filed for divorce. The Friday before Memorial Day she announced that we needed to talk about the "women's things. She had had enough . She couldn't take it anymore. I threw everything away. She wanted me to go to counseling, which I did and still am. She wanted me to go to church (just not her church) which I did and still am. I have not crossdresed since. To me, it's gone. Regardless, it has cost me my marriage. I love her so much! I would never have chosen cding over her. I never had the chance to prove it. She moved our over Father's Day weekend. I don't think she ever intended to return. Now I'm facing a very much unwanted divorce. I have no idea what to expect. I'll start looking for a lawyer Monday. I have been throught Hell. There is more to come.

Please ask yourselves if it's worth it. To me, it's not, but I'll never have the opportunity to prove it. She's gone. I can't imagine life without her. I am sad beyond words. I wish I'd never done any of it. Oh, if I could take it all back!

[Shelly Preston]

I am sorry to hear things did not work out between you and your wife

I hope you find some happiness in the future

[hunny67]

Im really sorry its all gone wrong for you.

Hunny67 GG

[Jennilouise]

Sorry to hear that, hope things work out for you and your wife

[Dita_B]

Hello Rhonda, reading about your situation makes me all emotional from compassion. I am soooo sorry that this happened to you both.

Only you have the complete picture and only you know what is going on, but I have a hard time believing that the "women's" thing is the only reason for her leaving. By what you wrote it seems like you have done everything you could to remedy the situation, there is apparently nothing more you could add to it.

To me it seems that there were other issues on top of the "women's" thing that drove her to what she decided to do. If it were only the CD-ing one could reasonably expect she would have given you another chance...

She's probably in turmoil too, you don't give a 30 year marriage up just like that. Try to contact her and find out at least what the real reason for her leaving is. You have the right to know, it is your life too that is in shambles...

And when you are able to meet with her, I advise you strongly to remain silent, don't talk, let her do all the talking... Don't even try to talk and keep your mouth shut until you are out of the door again. Listen, listen and listen some more...and don't interrupt not even when there is a silence.
I know that is extremely difficult but that is the only way she's probably willing to tell you the whole story...

I am, among other things, a licensed counselor and during my volunteering for community services, I have seen many cases in which there was given an obvious reason for a separation, while the real story remained hidden until much later...

I wish you strength and all the best...

Dita.

[sissystephanie]

Rhonda Jean

I am sorry to hear about the problem between you and your wife. I lost my wife after 49 1/2 years, but to death, not divorce. After many years together it is hard to imagine being apart for any reason.

if you wife knew about your CD activites all along, I seriously doubt if that was the whole reason for the divorce. Unless you really "pushed" it. If you did, then you should have expected what happened. On the other hand, if you just did what you had always done during the 29 years, there may have been another reason for her action. Who knows? Just don't be too hard on yourself. As the saying goes,"s*** happens," and it happens to all of us. I never thought I would lose my wife only 2 1/2 months after she went to the doctor. But it happened.

Remember, whether you dress again, or not, we are here for you. Hopefully, you will come out of the divorce in good shape!

Sissy

More Girl than man sometimes

[Holly]

Rhonda, I have to agree with Dita. The cross dressing is not likely the source of your wife's filing for divorce, only a convenient rationalization in her mind. If the two of you are an speaking terms, you both need to sit down calmly and get to the bottom of it. You both have too much invested to give it all up so easily. Please do let us know how things go.

[DianaGomez]

The cross dressing is not likely the source of your wife's filing for divorce, only a convenient rationalization in her mind

Having had my wife walk out on our two kids and myself a year ago, (not over CD) I have to agree. This is just her excuse. No matter what you do, it wont be enough. I jumped through hoops for my wife to try and get her to stay, whatever she said. It was never enough and then finally when she saw I was willing to do anything, she walked out anyway.
I know how it hurts and Im really really sorry. I never thought the pain would get any better but it actually does. Have hope!

[camera_laura]

I feel for you. Divorce can be difficult even when it is your choice (as mine was). I cannot imagine what it is like if it comes as a shock.

I doubt that if she was accepting/understanding for so long that she would all of a sudden have a change of heart, but I'm no psychologist.

Best of luck to you.

[noname]

I am sorry this is happening to you. Don't blame yourself. Leaving you for what you wear would be as rediculous as any man leaving his wife because he couldn't take her wearing pants anymore.

[Mollyanne]

Hi RJ, I am saddened by your post and even angry at the thought that your wife of 30yrs has decided to end your marriage. From what you have stated, you did the whole "9 yard thing" and it still didn't help. Sounds like there is more to this but she isn't talking about it. If you can, review your entire marriage and be totally honest in the conclusion, this may help you understand this abrupt ending. I know this sounds trite, but over time the pain lessens. Good luck to you, I hope you find peace!!!!


Mollyanne

[Sheri 4242]

CDing had NOTHING to do with my first wife and me getting divorced -- my first wife just up and left me and our children after 24 years of marriage -- a marriage I thought was solid!!!!!!! It was CHRISTMAS EVE when my first wife said to me after a nice dinner, "by the way, you can have the house and kids, I'm outta this marriage." (Merry Fing Christmas, huh?!!!)

I jumped through a bunch of hoops -- until I realized I was being played!!!

Did it hurt??? Like I wanted to DIE!!! I'd think "Why-oh-why -- why doesn't something like this just kill you!" Diane Lane's character in Under the Tuscan Sun said much the same -- that it was hard when you realized that divorce didn't actually kill you!!!

BOTH my wife (my second and current wife) and I have been right where you are -- and you have our deepest empathy. But, knowing how you feel, we both want you to know, it WILL get better -- in fact, you might vehemently disagree with this right now, but some day you might look back and find that this is THE VERY BEST thing that ever happened to you!!!

What she's doing probably has NOTHING to do with CDing at all -- that is probably a MAJOR pretense -- probably to get more out of you!!! Don't fall for false promises that she might make just to get more out of you!!!

No matter what you do, it wont be enough. I jumped through hoops for my wife to try and get her to stay, whatever she said. It was never enough and then finally when she saw I was willing to do anything, she walked out anyway. I know how it hurts and Im really really sorry. I never thought the pain would get any better but it actually does. Have hope!

Diana is ABSOLUTELY right!!! I'll look for a very special quote tomorrow -- it helped me a great deal -- and my wife (my current wife -- it is the second marriage for both of us -- and we've been married for 14 years now) and I've got to tell you, WE BOTH NEVER KNEW how miserable we were with our first spouses -- or how happy we could be!!! Lean on us on this forum!!! Several of us have been there, done that -- and I promie it DOES get better!!!!!!! You'll wake up someday and realize that this was THE defining moment of your life, in re YOUR ultimate happiness!!!!!!!

[Stephenie S]

Sounds like my previous marriage.

She was accepting, even participating in my CDing, untill one day the s**t hit the fan. I did EVERYTHING, dumped the lot, even grew a mustache. She said OK and that she would stay, but a few months later I found out she was having an affair. I forgave her that and we were together a few more months. Then, one day after a really nice vacation together (I really thought things had turned around), she announced that she was moving out. That was it, no more negotiations, she left. There was nothing I could do. She had a list (in her mind) of every transgression I had made for over 15 YEARS! And beleive me, I heard about every one of them.

So even though she used the CDing as an excuse at first, it turned out that my lovely marriage of 15+ years had all been a sham. I too loved her deeply and was looking forward to growing old together. We raised three kids together. But when it came right down to it she was too full of saved up resentments to do, or want to do, anything about our marriage.

Let her go, hon. Yes, you love her, but if she won't fight for it, there was no real basis for your marriage to begin with. Now, almost 20 years later, I can no longer even remember what she looked like, and I am in a REAL loving relationship, based on real love and real trust and real companionship. It is sooo much better.

Use this experience to learn from. Move on. I went back to school and got my medical degree after my first wife left. I never did anything better for myself. Use this oportunity to grow. It will get better, hon. Much better.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[cd_elsie]

Sorry to hear
29 years is something to be proud of
I don't beleive CDing was the real reson she left
Mine said the same thing
It was when HE showed up at the divorce hearing I saw the real reason
It was at a support meeting I first got a chance to talk to him/her
She just wanted a change
She got one at mine and hers expence.
Two years later He has moved out and we are talking again
So I say Fight for her if you really want her

[Mitch23]

So sorry to hear that Rhonda Jean - your post made me cry. Can't answer your question as to whether it was all worth it From my POV it's better to live life even though it's messy than spend it in a vacuum.

The risk I took when I came out was ultimitely divorce from the woman I love more than anything - I hate causing her the pain that she feels. But I couldn't carry on living a lie and giving her half of me while keeping the other half hidden and secret. It hasn't happened yet but it might and I'm still glad I did. And I can't stop being a crossdresser

Mitch

[Karen Francis]

Got married at 19, now going on 34 years. Any marriage and the reasons for maintaining a relationship are very different now compared to the reasons in 1973. My wife has been aware of Karen since before we got married, grudging "allowing" occasional dressing as long as she didn't see it.

Kids grown, out of house, decided to expand my activities greatly. Getting dressed, attending TG meetings, shopping, even electrolysis, coming out to close family relatives and friends.
Of course our marriage has deteriorated on a straight line comensurate with my increased activities. We now live almost totally separate lives in the same house, cordial to each other, but I would no longer debate the central issue any longer.

I made the specific choice to take this path, knowing it would likely lead this way. You must have had an inkling of your wife's true feelings. If your priority was marriage over crossdressing, you should have buried the crossdressing long ago. You cannot have it both ways, although we frequently delude ourselves into thinking we can.

[Elsbeth]

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. But also try to remember, there were more things going on than just your CDing. There are other things at work here too, things your wife may not be sharing - or not even aware of herself. It isn't just about the CDing. She didn't just wake up one day and see it as too much. Other forces are at work here.

It doesn't really help, and in the end it you can disect it all you want, but the fact is she made a decision for herself - but which have consequences for you. You need to work through that, and your counselor should be able to help.

Best of luck to you, and keep your support systems close.

El

[Toyah]

I am truly sorry for you I hope the future holds better things for you

[Joy Carter]

Things like "unconditional love" didn't enter into her mind did it ? You say you complied with all her requests, so why did she leave ?
You needn't answer. Just it stuns me to hear stories like this. Just what else would have had to happen to make a spouse leave? I just don't believe that love was there for anyone to leave under these circumstances.

[Rhonda Jean]

Thanks so much for all your caring responses. She said from the beginning"it's one probelm and the problem is YOURS!" I changed it all. Cut my hair, threw away the clothes, went to counseling, atarted going to church and began the process of getting right with God. My crossdressing is behind me. It makes no difference. She is not coming back. I, too, have suspected that there's more to it than just that. This is a totally selfish decision on her part. Not like her at all. I've suspected an affair, but can't prove anything, and of course, she's highly offended if I even suggest there's anything to it other than her putting up with being married to a crossdresser for 29 years. I've done everything I can do. Everything she asked. It made absolutely no difference. Her mind is very solidly made up. Ihaven't even seen her cry about it. I could go on and on, but it'd all be kind of the same thing. Suffice to say, I was totally blindsided. Now it's gone. I'd give anything to have her back. Despitel all the unbelieveably hurtful things she's said and done, I welcome her back in a second. It would be the answer to my many prayers and the end of a 3 month night mare.

Njow I'm afraid of the divorce proceeding itself. Will all of this be public? That could ruin me. Ruin the lives of our children.

I proy to God none of the rest of you have to deal with this. It is worse than death. I thought I'd shared my most intimate secret with my most intimate friend, my wife. That was a mistake. If I was going to crossdress at all, I should have stayed in the closet. Thin is, when we got marrried in 1978 I probably didn't even know the term crossdresser. I was just having fun. I'm paying for it now.

[SherriePall]

Rhonda Jean -- You wrote that your wife is highly offended if you even suggest there's anything to it onther than her putting up with being married to a crossdresser for 29 years.
To paraphrase a Sheakespearian character: "I think she doth protest too much!"
While I have not gone through what you are, I felt some of the same emotions after I told my wife and she didn't handle it well. Somehow, time does heal all wounds. We'll pray for you.

[Stephenie S]

Thanks so much for all your caring responses. She said from the beginning"it's one probelm and the problem is YOURS!" I changed it all. Cut my hair, threw away the clothes, went to counseling, atarted going to church and began the process of getting right with God. My crossdressing is behind me. It makes no difference. She is not coming back. I, too, have suspected that there's more to it than just that. This is a totally selfish decision on her part. Not like her at all. I've suspected an affair, but can't prove anything, and of course, she's highly offended if I even suggest there's anything to it other than her putting up with being married to a crossdresser for 29 years. I've done everything I can do. Everything she asked. It made absolutely no difference. Her mind is very solidly made up. Ihaven't even seen her cry about it. I could go on and on, but it'd all be kind of the same thing. Suffice to say, I was totally blindsided. Now it's gone. I'd give anything to have her back. Despitel all the unbelieveably hurtful things she's said and done, I welcome her back in a second. It would be the answer to my many prayers and the end of a 3 month night mare.

Njow I'm afraid of the divorce proceeding itself. Will all of this be public? That could ruin me. Ruin the lives of our children.

I proy to God none of the rest of you have to deal with this. It is worse than death. I thought I'd shared my most intimate secret with my most intimate friend, my wife. That was a mistake. If I was going to crossdress at all, I should have stayed in the closet. Thin is, when we got marrried in 1978 I probably didn't even know the term crossdresser. I was just having fun. I'm paying for it now.

No, hon, this will NOT ruin you. Not even a litttle bit. It will also not ruin the lives of your children. And please, sweetie, this is NOT worse than death. This is the beginning of the rest of your life. You may think you should take her back, but it would not work. Never. Use this oportunity to grow. There is the whole rest of your life ahead of you. Enjoy it. You will never regret moving on.

There is no reason for any of this to be public. Do you plan on inviting the press to your divorce? If you can both agree, there does not even have to be a court appearance for both of you. If you (or your wife) contests the divorce, things can get uncomfortable, but you are both adults, you should be able to work everything out beforehand.

This is an unhappy time, I know. Many of us have been through the same thing. But listen to me (and everyone else). Move on with your life. Buy a motorcycle. Heck, buy a whole new wardrobe.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Sheri 4242]

(A) few months later I found out she was having an affair.

[SIZE="4"]BINGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/SIZE]


[SIZE="3"]When a GG will leave you regardless of all that you did that she said that she wanted "to possibly save the marriage" -- it is a pretty safe bet that she is being adulterous (forget "having an affair" -- that is TOO NICE sounding). I was the first to defend my first wife to everybody!!!!!!! (No!!!!!!! She wouldn't do that!!!!!!! Never in a million years!!!!!!!) Guess what????!!!!!!! I have seen this exact same scenario played out hundreds of times!!!!!!! Just based on the little you have told us, I would be shocked if all this wasn't based on adultery!!!!!!!

My first wife was hot and heavy into torid adultery -- and in hindsight, there were signs and signals that I didn't pick up on!!! (Man, were the signs and signals ever there -- but people often don't pick up on them OR they don't want to pick up on them!!!) In fact, I learned later, there had been other men, not just the one!!! The stories I could relate!!!

My wife (my second wife) went through the EXACT SAME THING with her first husband!!!!!!!

I wrote one booklet on the subject (how to "catch 'em"), and hopefully someday will write a more significant book about it. BUT, nevertheless, I'd be willing to make a MAJOR WAGER that this is EXACTLY what is going on!!!!!!! [/SIZE]

[SIZE="3"]I hope you will quickly get to the point where you will realize that (a,) CDing had nothing to do with this, and (b.) that this could be THE VERY BEST THING that ever happened to you!!!!!!! Yes, that is hard to hear and accept at this point -- believe me I know!!!!!!! But, trust those of us who have lived through it: life will get better -- even better than you ever had it before - it WILL happen!!!!!!!

Feel free to ask me any questions I might help with -- or PM me if you want.[/SIZE]

PS

She can make all the assertions she wants -- and she will deny, deny, deny any adultery!!!!!!! Mine did!!! Until I presented concrete evidence she coudln't refute. Dr. James Dobson wrote -- and many others have sustained this -- that women in particular who are in this type of adultery, WILL DENY anything is going on until they see you have undeniable evidence, then they will only admit as much as they think they can get away with!!! BTW: to all the GG's on here, don't take that as sexist!!! Men and women commiting adultery will display different behaviors during adultery -- especially if they are cornered!!!

[Jodi]

RJ, This happened to me in 1998. She decided she didn't want to be married any more, after 33 years. She blamed the cd'ing, but, as others have said, that was just an excuse.

Yes, the divorce, property settlement, and the aftermath were tough and stressful, but it will not kill you.

Let her go and begin to get on with your life.

Also, get a good lawyer. After being married that long, you will need one to come out with a shirt on your back. Be honest with your lawyer about your cd'ing. I was with my lawyer. He thanked me for having no secrets. If you hold anything back from your lawyer, he/she could get blindsided. You don't want that.

Good luck.

Jodi

[spaceycasey GG]

As a GG I have to agree with some of the other ladie's theories. It is just tooo easy for her to put all of the blame on CD. How childish and unfair! I am so sorry that you are hurting. My prayers go out to you. Be strong and keep your chin up.