Ashamed

[Joanne f]

I have just read a story on here from a GG which has made me feel very ashamed of what i am and it has brought back a memory of what my motherinlaw once said to my wife when she found out what i was like , she said "that type of person should not get married and have children,
it has made me feel ashamed of being unfortunate enough to have been born different from what i should be and wander if there will every be any peace for the type of person like i am or should we just live as loners.

joanne

[Satin_Lover_13]

I am sorry you feel that way. Be open with people in here. Being a loner only makes things worse because we are stuck with our thoughts only that can rip us apart.

I have just read a story on here from a GG which has made me feel very ashamed of what i am and it has brought back a memory of what my motherinlaw once said to my wife when she found out what i was like , she said "that type of person should not get married and have children,
it has made me feel ashamed of being unfortunate enough to have been born different from what i should be and wander if there will every be any peace for the type of person like i am or should we just live as loners.

joanne

[Amanda Shaft]

Like you I too have had those feelings in the past, but I refuse to now and in the future. I believe that I am a good person, that I am worth my space in this world and that I contribute! The fact that I am a woman somewhere inside does not change this, and in fact adds more to it. We all need someone to love and cherish, why should ‘we’ be denied that or deny it for ourselves? My outings when dressed do not change my values or loyalties towards my partner and the fact that she has been so understanding has bonded us even closer together.

We are in charge of our own feelings, so change your perception, be tolerant of others and claim your space!
Amanda x

[angelfire]

I see a number of reasons to not be ashamed. First being it is not wrong, and it hurts no one. It isn't illegal (here, anyway), so what I do is my business.

Also, many people believe in order to live a fulfilling life, you must experience everything at least once. Some also believe you should live in total balance, which would mean having balanced male and female sides.

[Wendy me]

joanne being ashamed of who you are when your not breaking the law or hurting any one is just silly ....we as world are becoming accepting of things more so each day ... who knows we might be the next hot thingy ...... and that's nothing to be ashamed abought....

[christina marie]

I for one would never live as a loner, i love the company of good people, and love to irritate those who are not! there is a place and a reason for everyone on this rock,even those of us who are a little "different". variety is the spice of life! as for feeling ashamed of who you are, that is a bad mistake.that comes from inside,as you are the ONLY person who can make you feel that way.it is a product of self doubt and low self esteem. just because someone else is having a hard time dealing with the lot they were given in life,that does not lessen the value of YOU. You are the only one who has to live in your skin, and also the only one who knows whats right for you. If you choose to let others decide how you should live, you might as well step in line with the rest of the sheep and be led to slaughter. Bag up what MIL said and throw that sh!t in the trash.What does she know? Obviously, someone chose to share their life with you, and if they know about you,and are still there,then that person must see some value in you. Maybe there are some things you dont like about yourself, but we all have them,we all learn to live with them. Bottom line, everyone has a place in life,a purpose, a reason for being who they are. dont ever let anyone take that away from you!

[DonnaT]

Ashamed? As Jessica said, "it is not wrong, and it hurts no one."

It is an innate part of who you are. There was a time people were taught that being left handed was wrong, and being ashamed, they were forced, or forced themselves, to write right handed. Many developed a stutter in their speech. It screwed with the brain.

Don't screw with your brain.

And there is nothing wrong with being married, either. Love is another part of who you are, and shouldn't be denied.

I found love, and love in return. I've provided for my family the best I could. You can't ask for more than that. My being transgendered did not detract from my ability to provide love and support for my family.

[Sandra]

Joanna no one should be ashamed of who or what they are and people should not be made to feel that way.

I'd like you MIL to say "that type of person should not get married and have children," to me and Nigella she wouldn't know what hit her

[Veronica Fallon]

Well Joanne, I know for fact that I'm a much better person because of having such a strong feminine aspect, & I'm sure you are too. IMO the ones who should be ashamed of themselves are the ones who think they are the judge of other peoples worthiness. I hope you'll listen to your heart instead of your head. It knows you are "blessed" to have this inside of you. Your mother-in-law is simply "cursed" with ignorance & fear. Please stay open with your sisters here & feel free to borrow some of their pride until your own heals from the damaging remarks of others.

Warm Hugz,

Veronica

[christina marie]

sorry if i got a little fired up before, but i just chews at me to see someone being smashed down by anothers idiocy. hold your head high,hon and dont ever let anyone else make you feel shame. when you are feeling low and need friends, we are here!

[Holly]

Honey, just what is it you feel you need to be ashamed of? Wanting to feel pretty? Colorful clothing? The tactile feel of new materials? Emotions? Expression of yourself? Joanne, what is there to be ashamed of? Just because we do something that is different than what the majority of society does, does not make it anything to be ashamed of. The truth is, it is people who dare to be different that make a difference. Columbus dared to be different and discovered new worlds. Please, Joanne, do not let how others judge you project into your self value. Discover and explore your world. Help open the way for others to have what you have. Bottom line.... you are not the wrong one here!

[Suzie Green]

I was humiliated and punished as a child when my Mom caught me trying on my sister's clothing. It has taken some incredible compassion and understanding on the part of my wife to make me feel that what I am doing is not wrong. I hope you can find that...it has made me feel so much better about myself!

[Stephenie S]

Feeling ashamed is a personal decision. No one else controls your feelings. You alone can change how you feel.

Look dear, you have a finite amount of time on this earth. Once it's gone, it's gone. How do you want to spend the time you have? Happy and joyous, celebrating the person you are? Or ashamed and guilty over what someone ELSE thinks of you?

It's kinda your choice, hon. We can try to help by pointing out that you are the only one in control of your feelings, and reminding you that you are unique and valuable and worth every bit as much as those who try to tear you down. But we can't change your mind. Only you can do that.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[jenniferj]

Joanne,

Don't be hard on yourself; there is nothing immoral or evil about crossdressing and the prejudice/disapproval others may show reflects upon them rather than you.

As I look at the world (I'm getting old enough to be philosophical) I see that the human animal has two basic instincts that have enabled its collective dominance - grouping and excluding. When people group together, it allows them to solve much bigger problems (killing a sabertooth tiger with rocks and sticks, or irrigation) than any could by himself. But, we also instinctively exclude others for any number of reasons - incurable disease (we've pretty much learned not to do this), cultural differences (which might preclude the stranger from working as a team member), moral turpitude (stealing food...)

As we have developed technology we have fewer and fewer valid reasons for excluding anybody, but the basic instinct remains. (I'm finally getting to the point). And we find smaller and smaller reasons to exclude others from our "tribe"; skin color, religion, sexual preference, language, sports team loyalty, political affiliation... The list is endless and rediculous.

Now the problem is that powerful people with hidden or unhidden agendas (frequently religious or political) use this instinct in others to manipulate them to do their bidding. The obvious examples are the so-called "wedge issues" that appear in our politics, and the basic meanness and cruelty they inspire. Sexual preference and/or identity is an easy target, particularly for those provincial folks who believe that they don't know anybody with these tendencies.

The bottom line is this - if a person says something stupid or cruel in general about any "different" group of people (in this case, crossdressers), it's most likely out of ignorance and malicious manipulation. If the person says something stupid or cruel about you because you are different - it's most likely about something else, but he/she is falling back on the common prejudices because he feels that this is more supportable. Or he may just plain be mean.

The posts from angry, shocked, and dismayed SOs that appear here are mostly about the betrayal - not about the crossdressing itself, although the SOs may not realize it. The general wise counsel is to look at the good in the offending party, and to reaffirm your mutual love. The rest will work itself out.

What to do? We need to educate the "civilians". Coming out to those close to us may be too costly, but we can generally support the cause without giving ourselves away. We can educate those close to us by casually correcting stupid comments, just as we have learned to do about racial or religious issues. When somebody says "Crossdressers shouldn't marry and have children", you can innocently say "I've read that virtually all crossdressers are heterosexual, and are devoted husbands and good parents" or "Gosh, it must be so hard to have to live with that basic need to do something that so many people seem to dislike".

I worked for a large company years ago, and a young man in another section made the transition from male to female and came to work nervously in a very pretty skirt/sweater. When word got back to our office and a number of guys started to make the "not-me" type of jokes that one would expect. Before it really got started, I said "Can you imagine the balls it took for her to come to work today?" and before anybody picked up on the double entendre, I followed with "She must be the new girl I saw from down the hall. She certainly has learned to walk in a skirt" People smiled and went back to work. Later one of the young women in our office (who had heard the exchange) came up to me and said nicely "You are really very tolerant for a guy". I said "Tolerant of what? I just wish I wanted something as much as she must want to be a woman and really admire her courage to do something about it". Nothing more was ever said (at least in my presence) about the new girl. Shortly after, she left the company. She would be a fairly old lady now - I hope she has had a happy life. BTW, I am reasonably sure that I didn't out myself with my observations - it probably helped that I was on crutches for yet another sprained ankle suffered sliding into third for the office softball team.

And to educate those whom you are not close to - work up the courage to go out dressed when you feel that you look the way you want. Make people aware of our existence in a non-confrontational way. Hardly anybody notices obviously lesbian couples anymore - let's make it so that nobody notices us when we're out. Except maybe for the fact that we've really learned to walk in skirts and heels.

-jj

[Melinda G]

Mother In Laws say a lot of stupid stuff. My mother in law joined the Peace Corp, and went to Africa to teach the natives how to fight dirty.

[sterling12]

Feeling "ashamed," is something that too many of us have done for too many years. For whatever reasons we are transgendered, that's not good or bad, it just is!

Have we done things in our lives relating to The Crossdressing that made us feel ashamed? Probably, because we allowed ourselves to feel ashamed, or we were young, or we were acting stupidly, or whatever.

You didn't relate what was specifically written that made you feel ashamed and why. I'm only guessing, but I would imagine it's something from the past that brought back old memories of something your mind has labeled as "shameful." Here's a great truth...."we can't take a train into the past and change anything, we can only deal with things as they are right now."

If something is currently "bugging you," correct it! Or at least try and modify your life in such a way that you can reach accommodation. As we often relate to folks, the first order of business is self-acceptance. You get a handle on that problem, voila....the feelings of shame and remorse go away.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Marcie Sexton]

Excuse my frankness, but mother in law needs to take a hike, go fly a kite in a lightening storm or something simular...

You didn't mention how your wife feels about you, I hope she is supportive.

As far as a human being judge and jury on whether a indivisual should marry and have children, well they have no right to do so...

That is the very reason for this forum, feel free to discuss and express your feelings...expression will not only help you in lifes travel, but relieve the stress you may have...

My advice, Pay no attention to mother in law...she is dumb as a rock, narrow minded and little or no regard for ones feelings...perhaps if you wished to lower yourself to her standards, you could take a cheap shot at her, letting her know what it feels like...

[Victoria Anne]

Joanne you poor dear I am sorry you were subject to such an unfair and dispicable attack. Joanne you have no reason to feel ashamed for being a CD you are a very special kind of person. I do understand the feelings however , I was made to feel shame for my dressing as a youth and this shame helped to tear me down over the years but with the love and support of my wife I will never again feel shame for who I am , I will be proud of myself as you should be of your self. Your mother in law is very wrong . This world needs all kinds of people to function and we are apart of that , a neccessary part and we are many. You have the love of your wife ad in this world cruel as it can be at times , that love is all you need so please feel not ashamed but proud. Mil was it ? I'm with Sandra on this , I would like her to tell that to my wife and I face to face , as I like to casll it the German will come out in my wife , and I well lets just say the Irish are here! Be proud of yourself , be not ashamed and know you have family here.

viccy

[sissystephanie]

Well Joanne, I know for fact that I'm a much better person because of having such a strong feminine aspect, & I'm sure you are too. IMO the ones who should be ashamed of themselves are the ones who think they are the judge of other peoples worthiness. I hope you'll listen to your heart instead of your head. It knows you are "blessed" to have this inside of you. Your mother-in-law is simply "cursed" with ignorance & fear. Please stay open with your sisters here & feel free to borrow some of their pride until your own heals from the damaging remarks of others.

Warm Hugz,

Veronica

Joanne,

Veronica said it all. As a CD, you are showing your feminine side. As Veronica said, having, and knowing, that side makes you a better person. Most men have a feminine side, but are afraid to express it. You, my dear, obviously are not. And you are to be congratulated, not scorned, for doing so. Hold your head high, and be proud of who and what you are!!

To Veronica, you are not an "emerging butterfly!" You have emerged, and you are beautiful!!

Sissy

More Girl than man sometimes

[Jocelyn Quivers]

Sorry that you are currently feeling down. I just recently myself had a very bad experience involving me being outted. I am not ashamed of who I am, I am a good person, and being cross dresser has made me become a better overall person as a result. My wife loves and accepts both sides of me. Try to focus on all of the good and joy your femme side gives to you. Jocelyn

[Mitch23]

I'm not doing guilt and shame any more and neither should anyone else. I love my wife very much and hate putting her through the stress of my coming out. I know however that it has and will continue to make us stronger and more 'real' as a couple

mitch

[trannie T]

There is nothing wrong with crossdressing.
There is nothing wrong with being a crossdresser.
There is no reason to be ashamed of being a crossdresser.
The only thing I am ashamed of is that I'm not out of the closet.

[BarbaraTalbot]

I was humiliated and punished as a child when my Mom caught me trying on my sister's clothing. It has taken some incredible compassion and understanding on the part of my wife to make me feel that what I am doing is not wrong. I hope you can find that...it has made me feel so much better about myself!

This is one of those rare times, when word-for-word, an entire quote applies to me and says everything I could say on the subject.

[RylieCD]

feeling ashamed is just one of the many feelings I have been feeling lately. Many of you said that our CDing isnt hurting anyone, but it does, when my wife and I married she didn't know about my CD'ing, I thought i could put it at bay. Now it has come back and she is tolerating it and trying to understand it it still hurts us and now we are unsure where this might lead us for the future. So Yes I FEEL ASHAMED & CONFUSSED

[Daintre]

The sad thing is that 100 people can give me positive support, but if 1 finds fault or scorns me.....I tend to forget the 100 and only validate the 1