Can one be happy as a cder only at home forever???

[Tray]

I hope no one is offended by this question, but my spouse has said that dressing at home and not going out (with the exception of maybe going to a meeting of other cders) would suit him forever - he has no desire to tell the family or dress 24/7 - but I'm just wondering how many others have said or been told these same things only to decide otherwise down the road (I mean it took almost 12 years for him to completely share this with me, so whose to say in another 12 years.....) COMMENTS/THOUGHTS LADIES?????

[Sonia_cd]

Hey Tray,

I completely see where your SO is coming from. In all the time I have spend thinking about my dressing, I seem fairly certain that I am quite happy dressing at home. I have not felt any urge or desire to be out dressed, nor for that matter be fully shaven. So I believe it is a personal issue of how far each CD'er wants to take his/her dressing.

Then again, having not ever gone out dressed, I am perhaps not entitled to come to a conclusion on whether I would want to or not.

S

[docrobbysherry]

An excellent question. But it's very difficult to give you a definitive answer, as regards your SO. It appears there are degrees of CDing, and people's reasons for CDing vary greatly. I might be quite happy dressing at home, ( I do, and I am). Including NOT going out to meet others. As you have read from the many posts on this site, that would NOT be acceptable to others. Maybe you need to look inside yourself. Do you know how you feel about your SO if he does what he says? Are those activities really OK with you? Then, move on from there. If he wants to expand his CD horizons, how would you feel then? Would you rather not know what he's doing? He's changed the rules in your relationship, hasn't he? Will he do that again? You must both cooperate to make your relationship work in the future. I think your discussions should be with him, not us! I think u have a lot to work out. If you love each other, I know u can make it!
RS

[Michelle (Oz)]

Hi Tray. Welcome to the Group and credit to you for wanting to understand.

The only answer to give you is that each person is different. My answer is that it wouldn't be enough for me BUT that is my situation some time down the journey.

The really important issue for you is that you husband is very likley totally genuine and honest in what he has said to you. If you are like my wife when she first was told of my interest in dressing, the main issue was about trust. What else was I hiding?

At that time I didn't think about a wig and make up let alone going out in public dressed. So whether your husband limits his dressing to the house or wants/needs to go further is beyond us to answer.

What you and he need to do is to agree the boundaries for his activities. It would help you to understand why he wants to dress and for him to understand your fears and concerns.

Michelle (Oz)

[Oddlee]

I hope no one is offended by this question, but my spouse has said that dressing at home and not going out (with the exception of maybe going to a meeting of other cders) would suit him forever - he has no desire to tell the family or dress 24/7 - but I'm just wondering how many others have said or been told these same things only to decide otherwise down the road (I mean it took almost 12 years for him to completely share this with me, so whose to say in another 12 years.....) COMMENTS/THOUGHTS LADIES?????

Of course, we can only answer this for ourselves (and we do not always have a reasonable world view...) So, everything that follows is my own personal take on my own stage of development.

I was in the closet for half a century (scary to put it in those terms). This forum has helped me become more accepting of who/what I am. I have told one other person (an ex-girlfriend and still occasional lover - a very special friend) about the cd side of me, and spent a number of hours with her dressed. She appreciates the access to various body parts when I'm dressed in skirts, and the feel of our legs together when I'm in thigh-highs...

So, to your question - how far do I want to take this... It depends... With my friend, I've been to Victoria's Secret - me in drab - to get free panties, ostensibly for her. That was a crutch for me and I'm ready to get my own free panties and buy a bra as well. I'll probably do this in drab..

I will tell you that having an accepting friend of the opposite sex is a wonderful, liberating feeling, and that there is a real danger of losing perspective and going too far. You need to set limits with which you are comfortable (expecting these limits to evolve with time). You need to make sure he/she understands how this whole situation is affecting you (see Rhonda Jean's thread about his wife who was overwhelmed with his expressions of femininity [sorry about the gender conflict, Rhonda Jean. I wrote it this way to emphasize the dichotomy).

I think a committed relationship is all about compromise, and is endangered equally by those who cannot accept another's needs and those who cannot voiced their own.

Lee

[Suzy Harrison]

I think no two people are the same. We all have different needs - and those needs may change. Even your view on the subject may change with time.

[Angie G]

when I'm on nights I some times drive home dressed and I go out on Halloween but I would like more time out as Angie
Angie

[Sheri 4242]

A number of CDers seem quite content to dress only at home. Still others really want to get out and about. Personally, most of my dressing is at home, but that said, I have been out dressed quite a bit, and I think there is an unknown variable within this: the pure excitement, liberation, and validation that comes from the "rush" of going out dressed! My point: sometimes we "think" we are happy at a certain level or at a particular point, but then find an exhiliration in pushing the envelope which introduces (and, if continued, reinforces) new desires.

Your husband may be telling you the absolute truth about not going out (or only going out to meetings), but it is "his truth" as he knows things to be. He may go out once and decide he wants to do it again. He may go out a few times more, then find he doesn't like it. Some things are solid -- like he may know without doubt that he is heterosexual, or that he never wants to transition, or whatever. Other things may be growth-oriented or experience based. As far as going out, his commitment to you, and thus honoring you and your desires and boundaries has to play into this! Your own sense of comfort regarding him going out is also relevant -- just as relevant as your decision whether you'd go with him at any point in time.

[LilSissyStevie]

Sure, why not. I've been doing this, on and off, for 45 years and I haven't had the desire to parade myself around town yet. Similarly, I've been a musician for 40 years but I've only given a few public performances. I guess some people just need the approval of others more than I do. I only desire the approval of God, myself and a few other people whose opinion I value.

As far as being happy goes, I'm pretty happy no matter what I'm doing. I enjoy dressing up like a girl just like I enjoy playing music, but I'd find a way to be happy even if I couldn't do either.

[Raychel]

I would also say sure. I have been dressing for almost 40 years now. And although I am out to my wife, and I must say that she pretty much accepts me and my quirks. I really don't have any desire to go out or be out to the world.

I do wish that I was able to dress more at home, But with the kids still at home, that is not really possible.

[Marla S]

Yes it is possible, but like others have said no two persons are the same. What works for the one doesn't have to work for the other.

Something that has to be borne in mind is the fact that exclusive home dressing is a complete artificial and forced way to deal with it.
Some will be able to adapt to this situation by weighting up advantages and disadvantages, some won't.

Anyway it remains an artificial situation and artificial situations are prone to be changed someday.

[Claire3]

Ive been a cd for 25 years in the proverbial closet.Been to afew beaumont coffee evenings and an xmas do,all enjoyable,but within the confines of cds.If social attitudes were to change overnight i daresay claire would be the first to acknowlege her existence to the world.However,i cant see that it will,im a big scaredicat,so ill stay as i am,thankyou very much.A big well done for being so accepting and asking the question to us girls with a great many life years experience of your concerns.

[rustynail]

I hope no one is offended by this question, but my spouse has said that dressing at home and not going out (with the exception of maybe going to a meeting of other cders) would suit him forever - he has no desire to tell the family or dress 24/7 - but I'm just wondering how many others have said or been told these same things only to decide otherwise down the road (I mean it took almost 12 years for him to completely share this with me, so whose to say in another 12 years.....) COMMENTS/THOUGHTS LADIES?????

Hi Tray, I have been enjoying ladies lingerie for 50 years and wearing it or the last 24. I have no wish to go out and am happy to wear my slips and nighties at home and possibly when driving at night. I have no desire to go further, but I enjoy the exchange of views, experiences and enjoyments of this forum. (and I have never been interested in men, but love women in every way!)

[Secret Sis]

Count me in with just about everyone else on this thread... I have been dressing in private for the last 40 years.. mostly lingerie but occasionally a skirt- and I have no interest in going out in public. The closest I've come to anything like that is wearing panties under my "male" clothes from time to time while running short errands during the day. Other than that, it's strictly an "at home" thing for me... no wigs, makeup or anything like that.. I'm happy just wearing the clothes when I can. My wife of 8 years doesn't know about this although I'm planning on telling her real soon, and I want her to know that it is my desire to be able to continue this at home only with nobody other than her knowing, and not in her presence unless she was comfortable with that.

[Crissy Kay]

As a "closet dresser", myself, I have been pretty happy to just stay at home , dressing every so often. I have been dressing on and off for about ten years now, and been out a couple of times. In all that time, I still find that I have no desire to "pass", or be out in public. I guess it just means that we are all different, and find our own comfort level in time.

[Karren H]

Didn't suit me.. For a little while but the urge to go out enfemme grew just as the urge to dress grew.. But then again I went out enfemme the first time in High School.. In the 60's.... Since I seriously got back into crossdressing 4 years a go.... It didn't take me too long (6 months) before setting around the house all gussied up just didn't do anything for me at all..

So now I typically always go out in public. And if you get a taste of the thrill of going out enfemme there's no putting the horse back in the barn!! Hehehe IMHO... .

[kassandra richard]

At one point I was happy to stay at home -- although I was out one about 10 years ago to a Halloween party. But when I bought a nice wig in February, the desire to be out was pretty strong and has remained that way. That doesn't mean I'm interested in being really social (I'm not normally), I just prefer to hide in plain sight

So, I'm out and about when I can.

Kassandra

[Kerrie Sifton]

Great question Tray. And as you can see by the responses, each of us is in a different state of dress and public outings.
It certainly depends upon ones comfort level and local acceptance.
I probably would be keen to go out if the places where i would go are friendly. And too it probably takes practice.
Thanks
Kerrie

[nikki_t]

Like others have said, no two people are the same. I personally only want to dress to go out - not sit around the house. The only time I'll dress at home is specifically to take photos.

When I read threads like this one it just makes me glow inside.

[JoAnnDallas]

Up till 2005, I was very much in the closet. I have been a CDer since I was real young and I am now 60. Since then I have started going out in public, shopping, and even joined the local Tri-Ess group. Each of us are different and have or will have different needs. The only thing I can suggest to you is talk with your SO from time to time about this issue. Take it one day at a time and see where it goes.

[Deborah Jane]

I,m a "stay at home" and have been all along!! Just recently i,ve been curious about being outside, but so far i,ve only been to end of the driveway. I,m not in a rush to go further, but probably will go out properly one day!

[Tiffy]

We are all different for sure. But for me personally, my wife accpeting me and letting me dress at home is all I need. I do not wish to go out any place dressed. I do not intend to pass even. But I am 100% content to do so at home for the rest of my days. I would say for sure it can be dome happily if that is what you desire.

Tiffany

[Wendy me]

the only thing you can be sure of is that there are no rules... not every one wants the same as their are many different types of dressers ..... some will want to go out all dressed and made up ... and some are comfy dressed to what ever degree that wish at home ....can this change ??? yes but that said it dose not mean it will .....

[KimberlyS]

Like many other have said we are all different. I have chatted with many the seem very content to stay at home and do not ever see them self going out. I say two thumbs up for looking within to see who they were and what they wanted and what is right for them. Instead of trying to be some other CDer.

For me personally, when I got online and past the junk sites to some decent information, I found out I was not the only one like this and I was not the , xxxxx, xxxxx, xxxx, xxxx, bleeping, bleep, bleep, bleep person that I thought I was. It did not take me long to acquire as wig and some of what I needed to go out. Two nights before going out, on the way to the airport with limited time, I finished picking up some out of style, poor fitting clothes to wear and heels that were a size too small. And the night before my first time out I picked up some makeup for the first time. The night of I squeezed into the clothes, slapped on the makeup and went out. And I did not care that I looked like SHxT. It was the feeling of freedom letting a part of me out that had never been out the almost 40yrs of my life.

Now most of the time I am ok with just dressing more feminine at home when I can and an androgynous mix of clothes for every day. And my more feminine presentation gets out a few times a year, like every 2-4 months.

How each of us CD's is very individual to each of us. Listen to you hubby. And he better be telling you the truth.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Hey Tray,

Been enjoying getting to know Lori and hope one day soon to meet you both in person.

From my conversations with Lori I am convinced she is telling you the truth as she knows it today. But as you wonder, and as other sisters have spoken, we are all different and some are evolving slowly. Where Lori will be in 10 years I have no clue....except I'm sure she'll be with you still if you let her.

I wasn't in the closet long before I wanted to experience being out in public. Took me some time to overcome the fear of the "what if's" before I ventured out, but I wanted to pretty early on. After one or two times out I realized I was very comfortable in female mode and really "needed" a female life. That is not to say I didn't maintain a male life as well. I did.

I'll agree with the sister who said keep an open communication going, so you are the first to know if Lori has any changes in desires or needs.


Emily Ann