Caught dressed by my wife

[PaulaJeanette]

Well, my wife finally knows. It was bound to happen. Today, she returned home earlier than expected and caught me dressed in my lingerie...bra, panties, pantyhose, corset, teddy, and heels. I had thought I heard the sound of the front door opening and had gone to the spare bedroom doorway to investigate. Just as I got to the doorway, she came around the corner. As I stood before her with no where to go or hide, all I said was "I'm sorry".

The look on her face was one of disbelief and shock. I will not forget it. Although she has known of my desires to dress in women's lingerie, she had NEVER seen me wearing anything other than a pair of her panties. About 2 years ago, she found my black waist nipper in our bedroom and confronted me with it. Initially she had thought I was having an affair, so being caught AND not wanting her to believe I had been unfaithful in our marriage, I confessed that I had been a transvestite all of my younger and adult life. I told her I would dress whenever no one else was at home. It began to make sense to her...the many times she or another member of the household had returned home only to find me in the master bathroom and making a somewhat lame excuse about what I had been doing or why the blinds were all closed.

After her hasty retreat, I quickly stripped out of my underwear and changed into my male attire. I found her seated downstairs with a blank stare and tears welling in her eyes. I moved to a seat across from her and said "now you know the whole truth about me." "There is nothing else."

Although, like many of us, I had feared and dreaded this moment, I was somewhat relieved that it was over. I spent the next 30 minutes listening to her wrath of how deceitful I had been, how I had lied, and how I had endangered our marriage (I truly hope not). "How and what can I look forward to being married to you". She asked "what if it had been one of the kids?" (who are my stepson and stepdaughter; two terrific young adults). "They would have been devastated to see you dressed in that outfit." She also raised the question of my being gay to which I responded "NO".

Throughout this time, I kept silent; I didn't offer a defense and remained in a very apologetic mode. I had hurt her deeply...I realized that and no amount of whatever I said would lessen that pain. Being married for 14 years, I've learned to let her get thru her anger. She told me to get "those things out of this house." So, after she left the house, I again hid them in the garage under some boxes. I'm really hoping that she will not press me to throwout all of my femme clothing which consists mainly of lingerie.

I want to stay married to her and will tell her that. She is a wonderful woman, a terrific mother, and a super wife! I will tell her that as well!

Right now, I'm awaiting her return. I want to work this out between us, so wish me luck!

Paula J

[Richelle]

Paula,

I wish you and your wife the best as you work through this.

Since you said you want to stay married I have one suggestion that you may not want to hear. If she asks if you still have feminine clothing my suggestion is to tell her the truth. It will be a lot worse if you just hide them and she latter finds them. You will destroy all trust.

I am speaking from experience. My wife has very little trust in me now due to being caught lying.

Again the best of luck and we are all here for you.

Richelle

[brandi]

Paula ,

I certainly hope everything works out for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Good Luck and God Bless

Brandi

[StephanieCD]

Sounds like you handled it wonderfully. The only advise I can offer is consider her tone when she told you to get those things out of the house. If they turned up in the garage it could be the last deceitful straw. Unless that's what she intended?

[trinity24]

I really feel for you. And it pisses me off, that people just can't be openminded about the stuff. I mean - what harm are you doing? Why do you have to be sorry? Because you cross-dress? It's not your fault - you didn't choose to become a CD - you were born one. I guess the only fault on your side, is the fact that you weren't open with her about it - but then again, judging by her reaction - why should you be in the first place? You have nothing to be sorry about - wifebeaters, cheaters, and parasites are "people" who really have a reason to be sorry - but not you.

[Virginia]

Yet another example of our greatest fears! I am far from being one to tell others how to live, but............. Your wife's reaction is textbook!! Gay and deceit! The gay part is fairly easy to get around, but for GG's the crossdressing is initially secondary to the deceit of not telling her your "secret." Women are marvelous creatures, they can put up with a lot, but they want us to share EVERYTHING with them, no matter what!!!! If she is able to get over the deceit aspect, that you had a secret that you were unwilling to share with her, then, then the reality of what your secret is will hit home so she has to take two very, very hard gut shots! This is where you find out just what a woman she really is. I have to be brutally honest with you, you are in for a, hopefully long period of unhappiness. You know the old adage,"If momma ain't happy ain't nobody gonna be happy!"
To anyone else reading this who is in the closet - HELLO!!!???
I could write books on this but that has already been done so read, study, see where you are in your realtionship. Are you going to live the rest of your life in fear - is it worth it to you - to her?? Think about it girls it is not easy, what are you going to do about it????
Paula, as a service to your sisters here, I would hope that you will be able to continue to post and let us all know what goes on. It is important to a lot of your sisters here who may be struggling at or near the same plight.
God Speed, Girl!
Virginia

[Holly]

Paula,
I feel so bad for you... and your wife. Hopefully, once she has had a chance to cool down a bit, the two of you will be able to sit down and discuss it in a more rational manner. You said that she had found some of your things in the past, but I am assuming that she had never seen you dressed (other than in her panties) before. Because of the surprise encounter, I'm certain that she was shocked when she did see you. Hopefully, some of the words she spoke were due to that shock.

The two of you have invested 14 years into this relationship. You must be absolutely 100% honest with her... and she with you. Please know that we are here to support you AND your wife. As Virginia said, what you learn from this experience could be invaluable information to other girls here. If you could continue to post, I'm sure that it would be genuinely appreciated by many.

[DonnaT]

About 2 years ago, she found my black waist nipper in our bedroom and confronted me with it. Initially she had thought I was having an affair, so being caught AND not wanting her to believe I had been unfaithful in our marriage, I confessed that I had been a transvestite all of my younger and adult life. I told her I would dress whenever no one else was at home.

If you had already told her all this, what is the problem other than she never saw you fully dressed before.

When she calms down, remind that you had already told her.

I spent the next 30 minutes listening to her wrath of how deceitful I had been, how I had lied, and how I had endangered our marriage (I truly hope not). "How and what can I look forward to being married to you".

Remind her that nothings changed. She knew before this incident. Just because she caught you doesn't change who you are or have been. Ask her how she THINKS this is going to change you from how good a husband you've been all these years.

I hope things go well for you. Remember, no holding back now.

[Midnight_Minx]

I often find myself questioning things like this, as it's not seen as anything strange, to find a female dressing in boxers, wearing guys pants, and shirts -- but, it's hell if a guy decides to dress in femme. Hm.

Best of luck with this though -- If you can work through it, your relationship should be stronger because of it.

Luv

~Viv~

[CindyT]

The worst fear for all of us closet types!! My wife has found my panties on a few occasions and thought I had another woman, so I just explained that I like to wear these womens panties and she wasn't happy but she just sort of let it go eventually.

I know this has to be quite traumatic for you, but we are all here for help if you need us!


Do keep us informed! The crisis line is always open!



CindyT

[MarieTS]

Join the club, Paula-- my wife recently found my stash, which quite frankly I stopped trying to hide. Much of the same reaction you experienced, but maybe more understanding and accepting. None the less I feel awkward and just can't bring myself to share the real "me". I wish I could just disappear and totally morph into the gal I really am.

[Rikki]

Paula,
I am sorry that your wife had been so upset about seeing you. I can understand what she means about the children coming in, but she had already known so she shouldn't ask you to get rid a the things. Just take things slow now and good luck. I hope that the two of you can work it out to a comforting level for both of you.


Good luck
Rikki

[Sharon]

I don't understand this. You told your wife two years ago about being a transvestite, but now she says that you've deceived her?
Have you said anything to her in the intervening years about this? Was your wife led to believe you no longer wear female clothing?
All I can suggest is for you to begin communicating with your wife. If she respects you, and you treat her so, she needs to hear what you have to say. Just be calm, honest, and persistent. Tell her that you are still the same person she thought you were, but that you will now be more cautious about when and where you dress.
Good luck!!

[Carrah]

You may find it helpful to remind your wife that you have no problem with her dressing as a guy! You see, the whole concept behind what men wear and what women wear was designed by mankind, as we were all wearing the same thing at one point in time, which of course consited of nothing at all. Up until let's say the early 50's, men wore pants and women wore dresses - men wore shirts and women wore blouses - men wore underwear and women wore panties - and so it goes. Today, however, women often dress in mens clothing and don't give it a second thought, while men are still for some reason restricted to mens clothing. I'm sure your wife has no problem putting on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and probably doesn't give much thought to whether they are mens jeans or a mans t-shirt. I'll bet if you check her wardrobe, you'll find at least one pair of pants that either zipper or button on the "wrong" side and I don't know of a single female that doesn't have a mans t-shirt in her drawer or closet. Further, I'll bet your wife would have no problem seeing a man in a g-string at the local male strip club while out with her girlfreinds! Have you ever heard her complain of the g-strings Tarzan and Hercules wore? I doubt it! Or the skirts the Irish men wear?

My daughter regularly wears mens t-shirts and mens shoes for their wider sizes. She and for that matter, no one else gives it a second thought when she's in the mens shoe department looking at and trying on mens shoes and sneakers. Now, can you imagine the shock on everyones face were I to sit down in the women's shoe department to try on a pair of heals? The whole thing is all one sided and it's all on the woman's side.

I would suggest you stop trying to apologize to her and start pointing out a few simple truths and realities. Don't allow this to become a tool for her to use against you, as women are always in search of a tool to manipulate their partners with. You have nothing to apologize for. Were she more open minded to begin with, you wouldn't have felt compelled to hide it from her. So, in reality, you're decete was in fact based upon your lack of trust in her! Yet she has spun this into her now apparent lack of trust in you! Now, how did THAT happen?

A real man; a man of faith, conviction, and with high self-esteem and confidence in himself; a man in control of his life will first and foremost accept himself for who and what he is and won't feel compelled to apologize for it! A real man; a strong man; a man of strength and courage won't attempt to hide his feminine side from anyone and for those who haven't come to terms with this simple truth yet, know that no human being is 100 percent male or 100 percent female and a further, yet simple truth, is that women are more male than men are female, as women were created from man and science backs this.

Your wife is being rather self-absorbed and selfish right now, thinking only of herself and not of you. Right now, this is all about her; how this affects her and what this means to her, how it might effect her relationship, and how it could effect "her" children were they to find out. Living life in a fantasy land isn't healthy for anyone and right now, like I said, your wife could use a dose of reality.

My advice to you - get a grip man! You're still the man of the house. If you run when you see a police officer, he's going to chase you; he'll assume you've done something wrong. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HIDE FROM THIS! Don't throw your clothes away and don't hide them, either. If your wife wants to leave you because of what you wear, quite frankly your relationship sucks anyway! There isn't a single one of us that would leave our wives because they cut their hair short, put on a Yankee's ball cap, slam a beer down now and then, nail a shot of Jack Daniels, or put on a pair of mens Rebocks.

Look, all men play with themselves, all men have a femine side, and all men wonder at some point in time what it would be like to mess with another man - it's just human nature...

[Natasha Anne]

This is a routine occurence for me, even though my wife of 9 years knew about me 15 years ago.

Don't focus on yourself and your rights. Acknowledge her feelings, after all she was shocked and surprised. Her feelings are real to her. Take the time to remind her you love her dearly, and that you have no need to usurp her role in the relationship.

If she comes around, be prepared for her to go off the rails at random intervals and be prepared to remind her of those things time and time again.

The only thing I don't compromise on is who I am (I'm just honest about that) and I never let my wife ask me things like, "what if the kids". That's just transferring the issue somewhere else, rather than confronting her own feelings.

It's a tough path we've chosen for ourselves, but it is manageable.

[Tamara Croft]

Your wife is being rather self-absorbed and selfish right now, thinking only of herself and not of you. Right now, this is all about her; how this affects her and what this means to her, how it might effect her relationship, and how it could effect "her" children were they to find out. Living life in a fantasy land isn't healthy for anyone and right now, like I said, your wife could use a dose of reality.

My advice to you - get a grip man! You're still the man of the house.

Just what century are you living in?? Yes she knew about the crossdressing, but even so, knowing and seeing a man dressed in womens clothing comes as a shock. Do you have any idea of what goes through a womans mind when she first sees this?? Paula has the support of this forum, who does the wife have?? Who does she talk to about it?? We don't live in cave man times anymore you know, a marriage is based on love and honesty. Talking this through with her when she has calmed down would be a good start and getting everything out in the open. Be honest with her and don't pull that macho 'Im the man of the house' crap on her either. As for hiding your clothes, well she already thinks you decieved her, doing this will only make things worse. I hope you can sort things out with her, 14 years of marriage is a long time just to throw away.

Tamara x

[Priscilla1018]

Hi Paula,

I can understand the shock your wife felt when seeing you,even though you told her you were a TV.Her reaction is to the shock,not you.It is definately time for a serious discussion with her once both of you have cooled off.You can work through the issues if you both are willing to listen to each other.
This forum is a great support network and you will get lots of advice from people who really care and have been though some of the same problems.
I hid my crossdressing for 46 years and after joining this forum I found the courage to come out to my wife.I answered the usuall questions and we seriously discussed my CDing and what effect it could have on both of us.Marriage is a partnership and will only work if you both communicate with each other.Try to see her viewpoint as she should try to see yours.compromise if you must but don't throw away a marriage,it takes work to make things right.
And for Gods sake don't use the I'm the man of the family crap.
Keep us all informed it will be a great help to others in similar situations.Good luck,you are not alone.

Love and Hugs,
Priscilla

[Sharon]

My advice to you - get a grip man! You're still the man of the house. If you run when you see a police officer, he's going to chase you; he'll assume you've done something wrong. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HIDE FROM THIS! Don't throw your clothes away and don't hide them, either. If your wife wants to leave you because of what you wear, quite frankly your relationship sucks anyway! There isn't a single one of us that would leave our wives because they cut their hair short, put on a Yankee's ball cap, slam a beer down now and then, nail a shot of Jack Daniels, or put on a pair of mens Rebocks.

You're not married, are you? And how old are you anyway? 90? This is the 21st Century. Don't you think it's time to start evolving a bit?

[Sweet Susan]

"You're not married, are you? And how old are you anyway? 90? This is the 21st Century. Don't you think it's time to start evolving a bit?" Sharon

I don't know Sharon. I think the heart of Carrah's statement has some basis, if not just basically truthful. Sometimes flat out truthfulness is what matters. While I wouldn't go so far as to claim I'm the man of the house, etc. I think that knowing that you are at least equal in this relationship should mean something. I find that allowing a woman to demand manhood from her husband while she stands there in men's clothes is rather ridiculous when I think about it. I also believe that the major reason that men are ashamed to be transvestites isn't as much from what other men think, but how women have conditioned men to think about themselves over time. Women's only strength up until the late 1950s was nothing but manipulation, manipulation in all of its fashions. So, in some cases, to allow a woman to sit on the couch and tear up and make accusations about lieing, deceit, etc, is just another manifestation of their ability to conquer via manipulation. And I've been married since Jesus was a corporal.

[caroline_cd_99]

Wow Paula. I went through the exact same thing about 6 months ago. After letting my wife vent for about an hour, I asked her if it would have been easier for her to deal with this, if her discovery would have been something like me having inoperable brain cancer, or discovering I was a drug addict. She still has not accepted my cross-dressing, in fact she found some of my jewelry the other day and told me to choose dressing as a woman, or her. I told her this has been a part of me for 28+ years, I have quit before, only to come back to it. She has not responded to this comment yet.

I wish you the best.

[Deelite]

I have dredded about this situation like most of us, being caught dressed up, i did have to make sure i was in normal boring clothes half an hour before my girlfriend came in from work for fear of being caught. (been together 9 years).

But a few weeks ago, i had to tell my girlfriend about my 'secret dressing', because of the pressure it was putting on us as a couple, it nearly finished us, and now, as hard as it was to tell her, she took it way way better than i thought she would!

The main problem for her (as for your wife) was that i had lied to her for 9 years, NOT that i dressed in womens underwear and boots.

She understands that i have these desires to dress, and as long as she does'nt see it, she does'nt mind.

This has taken an immense amount of pressure off me, and as a result we are getting on really well as a result.

So now for you, now it's in the open, and although you did'nt want this to happen this way, with time your wife will hopefully come to terms with your dressing.

I really hope you and your wife sort things out, and she understands your needs.

Dee.

[Helana]

I don't know Sharon. I think the heart of Carrah's statement has some basis, if not just basically truthful. Sometimes flat out truthfulness is what matters.

I have to agree with you Susan. While I don't agree with some of Carrah's statements, her point of view is refreshingly black and white and reminds us of some simple truths such as-

CDers have to accept who they are, be comfortable with it and come out of the closet. They should never feel guilty or have to apologize for being a CD.
At some point you have to tell your SO, and the sooner the better, preferably near the beginning of the relationship.

The majority of women are still disgusted at the idea of feminine dressed men because their social conditioning of what to expect from a male partner has not progressed much over the last decades. While men know to no longer expect a subservient girl in petticoats to answer to his every dersire, women's expectations of men is that they still have to be the "man" in the house and to look the part. A re-assessment of men's roles/behaviour in relationships from a women's point of view is long overdue.

A relationship has two people. So once a SO gets over the shock of the discovery, the discussion should be about the happiness of both parties and incorporating what is a harmless and often beneficial behaviour into their lifestyles. For a wife to continue to deny her husband's emotional needs and happiness is to reject part of him, to make him continue to feel guilty and ashamed, and place pressure on him that the future of the relationship depends on him giving up crossdressing.

Essentially she is telling him is that her love for him is insufficient to overcome her social conditioning of what manhood is, or her love for him is insufficient to overcome the potential loss of her reputation in her community. Either way, her reaction to the news her SO crossdresses is very revealing about her character and ability to love.

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

i showed my wife the first week we met that i dress,,, got it all out and in the open so no secrets about who i was,, then it was up to her to stay or leave,, we been together now for 11 yrs

[Helana]

Just what century are you living in?? Yes she knew about the crossdressing, but even so, knowing and seeing a man dressed in womens clothing comes as a shock.

Hi Tamara. Now I know why your avatar has lightning bolts running through it! Just playing devil's advocate here but why should it be a shock. Why was it that she never asked him to see him dressed? It seems that she herself wanted to avoid the whole issue rather than address it when it first arose.

Do you have any idea of what goes through a womans mind when she first sees this?? Paula has the support of this forum, who does the wife have?? Who does she talk to about it??

The lack of support is an issue you rightly raise regularly. My question is why are women so hesitant to form their own self support groups? There are millions of women who have CD partners but never seek out help. Is admitting that their partners crossdress so terrible that they suffer in silence. It appears that they women will not even discuss this matter with their best friends.

[Danni]

Boy has this happened to me! I started Dressing as a Teenager and only ocasionally dated until I met my future wife. After an on again off again relationship she moved in wirh me. She found several Girly thing in the dresser and I told her. She said it wasn`t fair yhat I had nicer Lingerie than she. we went out to shop bought several oufits that was 28 years ago. We don`t dress that much now due to other Family living in the house so we take our Playthings and spend the weekend at a local Casino with rooms. I guess I am a very lucky Girl. Danni