CDing and families

[Modesty Blaise]

I'm not out to anyone, I've followed the characteristic pattern of denial and my wonderful SO doesn't know. We've recently had a fabulous baby daughter,I'd just about got up the courage to come out to my SO when she got pregnant and I still want to tell her. I don't want to keep anything from her and it feels like an ever increasing betrayal to keep it from her. But I'm struggling to see how CDing can be reconsiled with our new life. I know many of you are parents, how does it work for you? I guess a daughter might be less threatened by the idea than a son, but it's hardly going to be her ideal image of a father figure! If children grow-up with CDing around then they would presumably accept it, better than a shock later, but then there's the issue of school friends.. and foes.
My ideal would be my life now but with my femininity included, if I'd only realised it was OK when I was single I think I would be there now, my SO is a wonderful person and I think she would still have gone out with me. But now it's a confession rather than an interesting fact and she won't be able leave it all behind if she can't cope once the "knowledge" is out there because we have a child.
I don't feel guilty that I am TG, or that it's a negative thing, I know it can work, and work very well, in families because it does. I'm worried about "moving the goal posts" for my SO when we are already so connected.
My heart aches to be feminine, I just want to be my full self, but I love them both so much I don't want to hurt them and I'll choose them over any other life.
Modesty
Appologies to the mods if this duplicates itself the first posting seemed to crash.

[AmberTG]

That is a tough call to make! I think honesty is the right thing, but it certainly has it's risks! If you choose to tell her, be sure to tell her that you always keep it private, unless you don't, but that's another story.

[Lisa Golightly]

You were a child once... We are all born knowing nothing what we learn is what we are taught. No easy answer to your diema. In the end it's a simple matter of conscience... A Pandora's box and no mistake.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

Wow! I am on the side now of tell all and then negotiate a comprimise if one is available. She will almost certainly find out about your crossdressing and it will be better to come clean as early as you can to her. As for your baby daughter it will be easier for her as well to see you as she grows up rather than hiding it from her and then having it dropped on her at a later time. I wish that I had someone tell me these things when I was first starting out because my wife feels lied to and betrayed that I kept this secret from her for 19 years. We still have not told our adult children and probably won't unless they find out on there own. Of course you have to make this decision on your own so don't take my opinions as any kind of expertise since I screwed this up for 19 years.

[Modesty Blaise]

Thanks girls
I certainly believe coming out is the best course, it's just one heck of leap of faith. It might even go well, my girl is loving, caring and liberal, she might like it, but...once it's out there there's no going back!
Good grief the lost opportunity of the recent present!!
Love
Modesty

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

Thanks girls
I certainly believe coming out is the best course, it's just one heck of leap of faith. It might even go well, my girl is loving, caring and liberal, she might like it, but...once it's out there there's no going back!
Good grief the lost opportunity of the recent present!!
Love
Modesty

Hi Modesty...
I'm going to tell you the truth and I hope you won't hate me for saying these things...

I certainly hope your decision to tell her works out for the best. But be ready for the possibility of catestrophic failure, and a long hard road.

The root cause of your dilema is that you kept this from her. Women HATE discovering a lie, and I do mean 99.9% of them. I can't begin to tell you how many S/Os I have met and talked to extensively about this very thing. I have a lot of TG friends and quite a few of their S/Os confide in me about the things they are uncomfortable saying directly to their husbands. I'm easy to talk to and I empathise on a female level despite being male.

The big one I hear is that "I married a MAN! not someone who wants to be a woman". Many times they will initially concede in hopes of their man is going through some kind of phase that will go away on its own. There are many sub-phases that can follow that are too numerous to write here.

Now, I know your situation may be very different. I've had one of those extremely liberal wives in the past. I don't know you or your S/O and I hope to GOD I am wrong... but be ready nontheless. Her possible outrage may come from the fact that she may feel a bit trapped because you now have a child. Make sure you point her to the answers without shoving the "I am woman hear me roar" routine that so many seem to suffer from.

Feel free to ask me anything you want and I'll give it to you straight based on my limited knowledge of this particular subject.

Much support,

Zara

[carnut62]

I am in kinda the same boat with new kids and all, but my wife found a stash of pantyhose about 6 years ago, she wouldn't talk about it then and I had not found anyting like this site then so I didn't know what to do. I told her I would stop, well it worked for 3 years until after our son was born. He was great and after he was about 6 months old I had the urge again. Well her hormones wern't back to normal, and babies I think new kids stress a relationship a great deal.

About the time I was ready to tell her was a little over a year after our son was born. I was going to tell her and then it turned out she was pregnant again. Our baby girl is 11 months old now and I still don't feel that we get enough sleep for me to tell her that I like to dress.

I have been coping with it in different ways. I have been growing my hair out and probably spend more time messing with it than she does hers. I wear head bands and put it up in a pony tail, looks very femm somtimes. I also wear leggings around the house. She puts up with these things because I think deep inside she knows why. I shaved my legs and it took her 4 months to notice and I reluctnantly let them grow back out. These things I do are helping but are not the solution. I think I will talk to her about it after another 6 months when she is done breastfeeding and her hormones are all back to normal.

Let me know how it goes if you do tell.

Tabitha

[lisa_e_love]

Modesty,

Telling is better than not telling. This is a long shot, but if you've ever seen the Doris Day / Rock Hudson comedy Send Me No Flowers, Rock Hudson confesses to having an affair he didn't actually have (but which Doris Day suspects him of) just so he won't be perceived as a lying piece of male trash. Now, obviously that's a really convoluted piece of fiction and I can't even begin to think of whether that's right or wrong...but...the point is you coming out and telling her before she finds out will not only make YOU look better, it will make her FEEL better.

If your wive is supportive and wants to participate, what about getting a babysitter once every few weeks and going out dressed? If she's supportive and doesn't want to participate could you "earn" dress-up time with her by doing favors (changing the baby for a week straight...ugh...sorry I don't have kids, this is kind of a gross thought) for her so she won't feel like you're trying to escape responsibility to go dress up? In any event, telling her is the way to go. There are lots of other threads on here with advice about telling an SO.

Good luck!

[Eugenie]

I won't reply to the telling yur SO; other have done it very well.

With regard to being a x-dresser now that you have a child, there are several attitudes. I know that some parents decided to live openly the x-dressing of the father. Actually one of the sister friend and his wife have three very young children who seem to have no problem with their father being sometimes "a woman"... I don't really know what will be the outcome when the children will be adolescent... And I'm not judging their choice.

In my case I have lived 37 years with my wife knowing about my x-dressing but hiding it from my children.

However, last year, I finally came out to my daughter and her SO (She was living with another girl). She was 36 then. She took it very well...

Now my son and his SO also know... He is just 18 month younger than my daughter...

However, neither of them want to see me "en femme"...

I don't know if this is any help for you...


Eugenie

[RobertaFermina]

Whatever you do, be sure to show up as the father you always wanted for the children you've always wanted.

Be as good a partner as anyone could want, for the partner you have.

Drop your CDing into the midst of this, or not.

The rest should take care of itself.

Roberta

[Modesty Blaise]

Thank you so much for your comments, Don't worry Zarabeth the truth is what's needed and very much appreciated. Your comments are just the stuff I've been thinking about. I feel I would be changing the deal on my SO, letting her down for not telling her before, betraying her by not confessing. I truely hadn't accepted or understood it myself when we met and was genuinely about to tell her when she fell pregnant. The last thing I want is to let her down and yet I seem to be set on that course whichever way I turn.

We do indeed sound similar Tabitha though I don't think she has ever suspected. I have longer hair and shave my chest, though would would now do that anyway because I prefer it, but the thought of being discovered before confessing is chilling. I know what you mean about the additional ups and downs of expecting and the idea of saying "Honey, I've something to tell you, when she feels vulnerable and attacked by her own biology doesn't bare thinking about. Do message me if you want to talk further.

I know what you mean Lisa (and I love a film reference!) there's a fair chance she'll find out in the next few decades and it would be much better to tell her. Just checked out your site an I wanna mail you about your movies, from a frustrated film maker to a successful one!

All experiences are of help Eugenie and I'm glad you've found a way I'm interested to hear from anyone who's been through this.

"Whatever you do, be sure to show up as the father you always wanted for the children you've always wanted.
Be as good a partner as anyone could want, for the partner you have."

Great advice Roberta, that's my goal and I can't wait to see how she grows.

Many thanks everyone
Please feel free to add anything else on the subject.
Love Modesty
xx