I think I'm probably different than most of you. I don't get a lot of happiness from just sitting around in girls' clothes. I want to be an attractive girl, but I don't know to what degree that stems from identifying with female traits.
I never would've wanted to be a drag queen performing in front of people. I'm not the type. I never dreamed of standing up and singing. But after going to a few clubs and seeing some really hot CDs dancing around, now I really want to be like that. I want a great outfit, and I want to shake my butt in front of everyone.
But I really like being a guy, too. I like working out and being masculine. I sometimes feel pretty awkward and non-masculine, but I still aspire to it. I wish I had a better girl walk, and I also wish I had a better guy walk.
In a way I feel conflicted, but the strange thing is that when I go out I feel this sense of excitement and relief (which I'm sure is normal), but when I get back I'm actually more comfortable and more masculine feeling in guy mode. It's like there was something I couldn't express, but I finally did, and now I can be the guy I want to be because I've dealt with being the girl I want to be.
I guess I'm still trying to figure it out myself.
But I don't have wishes of becoming a girl. I don't want to get breast implants. I don't even want to shave my whole chest and legs, because I still want to be the masculine guy that the girls want when I'm in guy mode ... and seeing as I would prefer to have sex with women, I'm more concerned with what I look like to them with my clothes off than how low-cut a blouse I can wear as a girl.
It's kinda scary the way I can be in different worlds simultaneously. While I was browsing this forum, I was just IM'ing a girl I went out with for a couple months who is extremely into me being very masculine... And without getting into too much detail, the things she says about wanting me to come see her and pin her down would really make your toes curl, and I'm really into that. Just yesterday I got dinner with her and she hugged me goodbye and rubbed my chest and let out an exasperated sigh and said she missed my body. I don't want to not be that guy, but at the same time I'm thinking about how to be a better girl, too. It's crazy.
I think I may actually approach my masculinity in a feminine way, if that makes sense. I'm very aware of how I make girls feel, and the sexual experience becomes more about how I'm pushing her buttons, and I'm really kinda getting inside her head and being more aware of how she's feeling than I am myself. I'm really not trying to impress anybody here ... I'm just talking ... but I've dated four girls in the last year, and all of them go on and on about how great the sex was, but I just can't make the normal part of the relationship work. I can't fit into their lives. I've gotten more than a few booty calls, and it's actually really depressing that I'm more attached than the GG is and I'm the one who can't handle just sex with someone who couldn't take me seriously as someone they might want to marry at some point.
When I was little, I would always put on women's clothes whenever nobody was around (I didn't have a sister or many girls I hung around, so it wasn't often). When I was little -- and even up through almost high school, I think -- I would pray for God to turn me into a girl. I'm not sure what that was about, though. I don't really think I still want to be an actual girl. I think that might have had more to do with a pretty rough relationship with my dad and just feeling like he would treat me better and I wouldn't be miserable if I was a girl.
I guess I had some weird sexual experiences that I don't remember much of when I was little, and some weird sexual experiences that I remember a little too much of in college. I was in a weird 12-year relationship with a girl who was much older than me and told me I was unattractive quite a bit. We were engaged and didn't have sex for an entire year. Maybe I'm just really screwed up. I kinda feel like a girl could never be attracted to me the way I'm attracted to girls. Since I got out of the super-long-term terrible relationship I think I've been more than validated as far as knowing a decent number of women find me attractive... But I still feel like I have a huge self-esteem problem. I love being touched more than anything. I think I would rather have a girl run her hands all over me than actually have sex. Maybe I'm just an attention wh*re. I've gotten a few backrubs from gay guys that I really didn't mind, either.
I tried to kill myself with a bottle of pills once. I was on anti-depressants for awhile. I was in therapy for awhile. Nothing seems to really help except just trying to figure it out and pick a direction and get going and get it together on your own. I just need a direction.
Anyway, I just feel very strange. I guess I want to be a girl without being any less of a guy. Maybe I just want to be able to attract all the guys and all the girls. Maybe I just needed to talk about something I can't talk about with anybody.
So thanks for giving me a place to ramble on