Slowly going mad

[KatieC]

It's been roughly seven months now since my introductory post. The reader's digest summary is that after over a decade of repressing my feminine side and cross dressing urges, they came back with a vengeance, and I am unable (and unwilling) to bottle it all back up and continue to deny it. I felt then, and still feel now, that I must somehow tell my wife about this. The problem then was that we were expecting the birth of our third child, and the upcoming life changes made it a very bad time to drop the cross dressing bombshell.

Well, our daughter is 5 and a half months old now, and the family is adjusting nicely to the new addition, so that's no longer the issue.

But . . .

The seven-or-so months since acknowledging to myself that I am a cross dresser, and that the urges are not just going to go away, have been full of secret purchases and dressing on the sly. It's only marginally better than fighting the urge to dress. At least if I am underdressing at work, I'm a lot less likely to be overwhelmed with the urge to go shopping for yet more lingerie at the mall. Or to go shopping for things that I can't hide nearly as easily as undergarments. But it is lying to my wife, by omission although not in outright untruthful statements, and I am really not happy with it.

It is also paralyzingly frightening to bring myself to admit this non-conformity to my wife. I try to psyche myself up to somehow do it, and chicken out. Or just when I think I might be able to take the leap, life gets complicated in other areas and it again seems like a very bad time to drop the bombshell.

I find myself thinking that what she doesn't know won't hurt her. That telling her *will* hurt her and how can I bear to do that? My rational parts know that the longer I put it off, the more hurt it will cause, so it will be best to come out sooner rather than later. And I know that as long as I am unable to close Pandora's Box, it is only a matter of time before I get caught.

There's a war going on inside my head, between what I know I should do, and what I fear might happen. I don't know how to find the path to peace. It's the hell of the closet, or braving the fear of rejection, or just giving up and going back into denial (if I even could).

The best answer is courage, and I can't seem to find how to be brave.

And even when I am able to (mostly) hold the fears at bay, I find myself not knowing how to even start the conversation. "Honey, we need to talk" is far too ominous a beginning.

I swear, I'm going to go mad if I can't find an answer. *sigh*

[Shelly Preston]

No one hear can decide for you all we can do is give you advice only you will know how she might react

If you decide to tell you wife she will be asking lots of question as to why it has taken you so long to tell her

It is often the lack of trust which is the major problem



please read the link in my signature if you do decide to tell her

[Julogden]

Hi Katie,

Don't know what to tell you, other than you're not the only one who has gone through that. Have you considered a therapist to help you work through this?

On a lighter note, according to some of my friends, I went mad a long time ago: it's not that bad, kind of fun sometimes.

Carol

[Violet]

Ahh, KatieC. Such a heavy burden to carry for so long! I'm fairly new at this myself, having found out about my boyfriend's CDing about a month ago. I hope you don't mind if I give you a little bit of advice from a GG/SO perspective.

One, I second Julogden's advice on perhaps trying to work with a therapist. Both my boyfriend and I are currently in therapy (we were before the CD revelation, too) and we have discussed the possibility of trying some couples counselling to help us work through some of our issues with a neutral third party. My therapist has been a godsend.

Two, if your baby is only five and a half months old, there is a very great possibility that your wife still has a ton of hormones raging around. I would hesitate to have The Talk at this juncture for this reason, especially if she is breast-feeding and/ or a stay-at-home-mom. She is probably dealing with the hormones, the lack of sleep and caring for your other two children and coping with your revelation at this time might be difficult for her.

Now, I'm not saying that you should never tell her. In fact, I think you should tell her because it's clear from your post that you are very conflicted and that won't go away. Not to mention the stress that a "double life" can cause! However, I did want to bring up the recent pregnancy thing, as there are a lot of stresses that come with that for a new mom.

Three, before you talk to your wife, plan out what you are going to say. In my case, CDing was brought up very casually before sleep. No questions were asked or brought up and this led to a couple of roundabout discussions where I was trying to figure what it meant to him and to me. When we finally had a real, open conversation, I felt a lot better.

There are a zillion articles out there on How To Tell Your SO about CDing, so I won't get into the specifics here, though I do encourage you to read them. I wish my boyfriend had!

Four, none of us can predict how your wife will react, nor what it will mean for the state of your family but, as I have learned very quickly, the forum is here for you when you need to bounce things off others. Do be prepared for shock, confusion and a sense of betrayal, especially as you are already married and have kids. I can't speak for everyone, but I know I felt like, "The hell? I thought I knew him and that he told me everything. How could he have kept this a secret for so long?" Also be prepared to show your wife that you still love her and are attracted to her.

I do encourage you to say something eventually though, as it's not healthy for you to keep all of this inside. It's not healthy for your relationship with your wife, either, as there is this big looming secret. I wish you the best, and I'm sorry this is so long.

[RebeccaLynne]

Katie, my heart goes out to you. Whenever I read a post of an anguished crossdresser struggling with the disclosure issue, I can't help but feel sad.
Why is crossdressing considered a liability? Shouldn't the freedom of expression be welcomed as an opportunity to be oneself in their entirety?
And if we cannot share ourselves completely with those we love, where then is the happiness we're seeking to be found?
Katie, when you feel the time is right, I think you must confide in your wife, and bare your soul. Can you be happy and enjoy your lives together otherwise?
And when you do tell her, keep the questions above in mind.
Please ask her to consider them.
Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, but I'd like to believe love conquers all.
Wishing the best for the two (oops, five) of you,
RebeccaLynne.

[sterling12]

WOW, a profoundly moving letter from Katie. I think she summed up in one message the great many feelings and fears that so often beset Trans People with spouses and Significant Others.

And, a real shocker! Violet's Response was really right on the mark, full of common sense and good advise. Don't misunderstand, everyone gives and gets good opinions on this forum. I'm just very impressed with the clarity, quality, and depth of feelings that both of these people have expressed. I really can't add anything. I will be copying Violet's Answer for my own information. Seems like a good idea to keep on file, when and if John meets the right person.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Nicole Erin]

Here is my say in a nutshell -

1- when you decide to explain, make sure you and her will have plenty of time, just you and her, to talk. Not sometime like bedtime Sunday night.

2 - She will ask "are you gay, do you want to be a woman, why do you do this..." and might ask about where you hide your stuff.

3 - When I told my wife, she kinda had an idea already. I told her one night "I have something I need to explain, but I don't want you freaking out or acting stupid..." And she didn't.

4 - Be polite about things, BUT - don't promise you that you will stop, don't be apologetic, don't start crying...

5 - About the "why so long to tell". That may or may not come up. Personally, I think the line " You betrayed my trust is what really upsets me" is just a copout that people use to try to make someone feel even worse.

6 - She probably won't react as bad as you imagine. We always think people will act worse than what they do.

[RobertaFermina]

...[snip]...
There's a war going on inside my head, between what I know I should do, and what I fear might happen. I don't know how to find the path to peace. It's the hell of the closet, or braving the fear of rejection, or just giving up and going back into denial (if I even could)....[snip]...

The best answer is courage, and I can't seem to find how to be brave.

[snip]

I swear, I'm going to go mad if I can't find an answer. *sigh*

Katie,

Hope this helps....


This is how to be brave:
1. notice you are afraid. no fear, no bravery. Got Fear? Check! go to step 2.

2. notice you are "already dead." Is the state you are in what you would call "Life" ?. Nope...is the wall is at your back and its moving in your direction ? then the timing is perfect: go to step 3.

3. notice there is Hope in going forward. Is there a possibility that you will be able to live with yourself after "spilling the beans?", is there added Hope that you can live with your Family *still* ? Hope doesn't have to be certainty....just something most positive to set your sights on. Also you have supporters, with friendship and (often) wisdom to share. Got Hope? Though it might ache a little, on to step 4.

4. notice you are not alone. You have Loved ones who are impacted by your choices. Do you have compassion for them, and recognition of their fears and uncertainties, and the Courage they will need to stay in Relationship as You all go forward. Are you going forward for them as well as yourself ? If you are unselfishly going forward, then you are ready for the next step.

5. Go forward....cause you you are already living in the fears that are ahead of you, can't go backwards, or stand still, your only Hope is ahead of you, there is wisdom and support to add to your individual resources, and you are doing this unselfishly and for the right reasons !

When you have emotionally and mentally advanced through these steps, you are ready....pick your pace, and time and place.

Godspeed !


Roberta

[Samantha B L]

Hi Katie, I've never been married and I don't have kids. I did have a very deep and close relationship with the same GG until she passed away 3 years ago. I understand how you feel about lying and I feel the same way. But I can't help it. I'm guilty of an ocaisional fib and there were a few times when I was a kid when I told some big ones. Maybe you should tell your wife when you feel relaxed enough about it. Just in case your telling her creates a big explosive argument which ,who knows, it might not,wait a few days after the holidays. there's just a chance that she could be receptive and even if she doesn't say so she'll respect that you told her! On the downside she could be critical that you didn't bring it up a long time ago,as a couple of the girls have pointed out. You can't predict the future. I tried to come out repeatedly to my Mom,Sis,Brothers,Uncle ,Aunt ,cousins a couple of years after high school and the reaction was bizarre. they didn't acknowledge my bring it up and looked for ways to act like they didn't hear me or else they changed the subject. A couple of them got nasty but they weren't violent about it. It was weird. So you never know. Best,Samantha

[charlie]

It's been roughly seven months now since my introductory post. The reader's digest summary is that after over a decade of repressing my feminine side and cross dressing urges, they came back with a vengeance, and I am unable (and unwilling) to bottle it all back up and continue to deny it. I felt then, and still feel now, that I must somehow tell my wife about this. The problem then was that we were expecting the birth of our third child, and the upcoming life changes made it a very bad time to drop the cross dressing bombshell.

Well, our daughter is 5 and a half months old now, and the family is adjusting nicely to the new addition, so that's no longer the issue.

But . . .

The seven-or-so months since acknowledging to myself that I am a cross dresser, and that the urges are not just going to go away, have been full of secret purchases and dressing on the sly. It's only marginally better than fighting the urge to dress. At least if I am underdressing at work, I'm a lot less likely to be overwhelmed with the urge to go shopping for yet more lingerie at the mall. Or to go shopping for things that I can't hide nearly as easily as undergarments. But it is lying to my wife, by omission although not in outright untruthful statements, and I am really not happy with it.

It is also paralyzingly frightening to bring myself to admit this non-conformity to my wife. I try to psyche myself up to somehow do it, and chicken out. Or just when I think I might be able to take the leap, life gets complicated in other areas and it again seems like a very bad time to drop the bombshell.

I find myself thinking that what she doesn't know won't hurt her. That telling her *will* hurt her and how can I bear to do that? My rational parts know that the longer I put it off, the more hurt it will cause, so it will be best to come out sooner rather than later. And I know that as long as I am unable to close Pandora's Box, it is only a matter of time before I get caught.

There's a war going on inside my head, between what I know I should do, and what I fear might happen. I don't know how to find the path to peace. It's the hell of the closet, or braving the fear of rejection, or just giving up and going back into denial (if I even could).

The best answer is courage, and I can't seem to find how to be brave.

And even when I am able to (mostly) hold the fears at bay, I find myself not knowing how to even start the conversation. "Honey, we need to talk" is far too ominous a beginning.

I swear, I'm going to go mad if I can't find an answer. *sigh*

Hello Katie!
I am married and you could have written my story as well. I am deep in the closet and really believe that I must stay that way. How will my wife react to the notion that her husband and the man in her life is not the man that she thought she was married to? Hell I do not really know. I do know that she will be very unhappy and say that she did not really know me....etc. i love her and do not want a separation. So I am going to stay quiet. I'm deep in the closet except when I travel. Then I try to go to a TG bar and mingle. Maybe you could find someone that is on this forum and get together with them once in awhile for a boys night out. Both of you could dress and go to a bar. Your wife would accept you having a friend and you could still dress and get out.

[rachel_mead]

Hi Katie,

I just joined this board but I would like to share my story with you because I recently told my wife and I hope you get something from my story, hope if nothing else. When I got married, ~14 years ago, I had less of an idea about my crossdressing/TG-feelings than you did and never told my wife. I kept it repressed for the most part with minor breakdowns over the years often coinciding with stressful life changing events such as the birth of my daughter (11 years ago now). Over the last few years my wife and I were drifting apart and I had a new job with lots of stress there. I found that I had lots of free time and so I induldged my desires and started to buy more and more things and joined some support groups.

In July I found myself all dressed up and going out clubbing with a group of T-girls. I would tell my wife that I was going to see a concert. This was the worst feeling for me, I hated to lie to her, it was eating me alive! On the other hand I need to understand my desires and explore them before I could explain them to her. I went out many times in Sept. and October and was quite comfortable even shopping in malls with friends or even alone. I knew it wasn't going to go away, I had to tell my wife, I couldn't hide all of the things I had bought, and the lying to my wife was killing me. I was afraid she'd never understand and that she'd want a divorce. We hadn't been getting along very well and I never saw her with any interest in GLBT matters at all. I thought she'd never grasp the issues at all.

By Late Sept. I had told an old girlfriend before our 20th HS reunion. She is a lesbian and I had a feeling she would be very compassionate, and she was. My thinking was that I needed support before I broke the news to my wife should things turn ugly. I also took advantage of an program through work that provided an offsite confidential way for me to see a therapist. At the first meeting I had an anxiety attack from releasing so much that the therapist almost called an ambulance. After that meeting she wouldn't let me drive home so I called my best friend. I told him by showing him a picture. He took it very very well and told me I was BRAVE! and it isn't such a bad thing. He is a great friend now! So I had now two allies and a therapist on my side. I also knew that I wanted to keep going out as Rachel and that I loved my wife and family.

I saw the therapist a couple more times and that helped me gain strength and resolve. I read stories and got ideas from the internet on how to tell my wife. I heard how not to do it and was sure not going to make things difficult on me or my wife. I chose to write a 1 page letter to her because I knew as soon as I opened my mouth things would not get said or not correctly at any rate. The letter explained that I was a crossdresser, the fact that I repressed it, my childhood struggles, my feelings for her, the support I found and the fact that I had been going out. I preemptively answered the gay question and explained I wouldn't want to tell the kids. I told her I was available 24/7 to help her understand and that I'd answer any questions... Basically a very loving letter that told her the whole story, how I loved and cherished her and my hopes of making the best of it.

Well, it went better than I thought was possible! I told her after I dropped the kids off at school in the AM so we were alone for the day. She read the letter and wasn't freaked out, she asked to see pictures so I showed them to her. She was impressed and I was shocked at how well she was taking it! We talked for a few hours but I didn't dump too much on her, I let her guide the conversation. Come noon I asked if I should go to work or stick around. She asked if we could go shopping. Yes indeed, we went to Marshalls and she bought me a dress and blouses. She blew my mind! She gained a girlfriend that day. Things have been great, no more lies, no hiding!

I hope that gives you some hope and help. I have to say that your situation with a newborn is quite different (all situations are). You will have to assess your situation and decide what is best for your family. I think Violet's comments are excellent (hormones, new mom...) I do hope you find your path, I know what it is like to hide this especially when it is growing stronger or escalating. I do hope things work out for you.

Warm wishes {{hugs}},
Rachel

I blogged my whole jouney at http://360.yahoo.com/rachel_mead but I think I summarized it above :-)

[KatieC]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I feel a lot better for having shared my struggle rather than continuing to just deal with it alone.

A special thanks to Violet for sharing your perspective. I was hoping some of the GGs on the board would share their thoughts, and I very much appreciate hearing from you. My wife is, in fact, breast feeding our new baby and I had not considered that she will probably "still [have] a ton of hormones raging around" as long as she is breast feeding.

A special thanks also to Roberta for the suggestions for how to be brave. They are very helpful to me.

I need to think more on the "write her a letter" idea such as Rachel used. I'm not sure it's quite "me"; I have not been in the habit of writing letters to my wife when I can just talk with her. There seems to be a lot of merit in writing one though, to help get my thoughts straight, even if I decide to just talk it out instead of giving her the letter to read.

With the emotional firestorm quieted, for now, from opening up and sharing, I'm realizing how close to the Christmas holidays it is. There will likely never be a "perfect time" for "The Talk", but there are better and worse times, and the middle of the holiday preparation stress is probably a rather bad time for this.

[Melinda G]

I think I can safely say, it is a lifelong thing. Now you have to decide how you are going to deal with it. There is no "one size fits all" solution. I do think however, that it is a mistake, to come out to the family. Most of those who come out, do so for selfish reasons. I think a lot of CDers "come out" to the wife and kids, seeking approval, and a green light to openly pursue their CDing, and sit around the house in front of the wife and kids in a chemise and heels. Or go shopping, or to some social event with the wife, while dressed en femme. It's not gonna happen!
I managed to CD through 17 years of marriage, until I told the wife one morning, when she noticed I had shaved my legs. Within a couple months she had a boyfriend, and left.
I kept my fem clothes hidden, and would go out to a motel, to change clothes, and go out for a while. It worked for years.
No matter what we think, most people still think it is wierd or gay to crossdress. And for every wife or SO who accepts it, maybe a dozen don't. In the long run, crossdressing and marriage don't work out very well. Sure, there are a few posts on this board, from CDers with supportive wives or SOs. But this board is filled with stories of destroyed marriages and lives. Forget about going to your place of employment or family gatherings, en femme. Long story short, keep it private and secret. Enjoy it for what it is, and don't tell anyone.

Your hour is up. That will be $50 please.

[Violet]

You're welcome, Katie. (And thanks also to Joanie for the lovely compliment.) I've been a bit hesitant at posting advice, as I don't want to make anyone mad or hurt anyone's feelings, so I'm glad that my post came across how I intended it to: a differing perspective on how/ when to tell.

It seems that you've taken an important first step, and that is admitting your desire to CD and coming here for support and help. It's a tough journey to undertake, but just by making that first step, you've already shown bravery. I wish you the best, Katie.

[docrobbysherry]

I think I can safely say, it is a lifelong thing. Now you have to decide how you are going to deal with it. There is no "one size fits all" solution. I do think however, that it is a mistake, to come out to the family. Most of those who come out, do so for selfish reasons. I think a lot of CDers "come out" to the wife and kids, seeking approval, and a green light to openly pursue their CDing, and sit around the house in front of the wife and kids in a chemise and heels. Or go shopping, or to some social event with the wife, while dressed en femme. It's not gonna happen!
I managed to CD through 17 years of marriage, until I told the wife one morning, when she noticed I had shaved my legs. Within a couple months she had a boyfriend, and left.
I kept my fem clothes hidden, and would go out to a motel, to change clothes, and go out for a while. It worked for years.
No matter what we think, most people still think it is wierd or gay to crossdress. And for every wife or SO who accepts it, maybe a dozen don't. In the long run, crossdressing and marriage don't work out very well. Sure, there are a few posts on this board, from CDers with supportive wives or SOs. But this board is filled with stories of destroyed marriages and lives. Forget about going to your place of employment or family gatherings, en femme. Long story short, keep it private and secret. Enjoy it for what it is, and don't tell anyone.

Your hour is up. That will be $50 please.

I've been married and divorced. Melinda is rite, I believe. Unless u feel the need to go out dressed with friends, or hang around the house completely dressed, DON'T TELL HER! If u r a low key dresser, and can do it on the sly, why the need to tell? If she finds out somehow, then have THE TALK with her. Everyone has secrets they don't tell their partner. If your CDing is not harmful to her or your family, just do it when u can and don't tell anyone. Once u squeeze the tube, u can NEVER get the toorhpaste back in again. Think long and hard about all the consequences before u tell anyone. CDing is NOT understood by the public to be a healthy hobby! Hope it comes out alrite for u!
RS

[Melinda G]

I would just like to add, even if caught, don't make a full confession. If I had it to do over again, I would have just said that I was curious and wanted to see how it felt. Downplay it if possible. No big deal. "I just wanted to see what it was like". And don't whip out your photo collection, like I did. That foxy photo I was so proud of, didn't set too well with the wife!

[Nadia-Maria]

I agree with Melinda and Docrobbysherry. I would give the same sort of advice, based on my experience.

1) I have been married for 14 yrs (ending in a divorce several years ago), and I was very wise never to come out with my ex. (one child in the family)

2) However, having recently joint boards like this one, I have learnt a lot about CDing, so that I have just been considering for several weeks to come out with my present SO/GG, since it is quite different from my former marriage.

After having actively prepared myself for The Talk, I finally decided not to come out ... !
I weighted the pros and the cons. I don't like to play the lottery and I found that - like the lottery - I would certainly have little (if anything) to gain, and much to lose.

I believe I can manage to keep my CDing just for myself, (and I am not afraid to talking about, if she happen to know about).
But why strating to get in much trouble my SO, especially for the sake of my personal comfort ?

Nadia-Maria

[charllote34]

Well if you think your mad your probably not as if you were mad you wouldnt realise that you were mad if you see what i mean , trust is a great thing and on that can be easily lost x

[Valerie Nicole]

Just know that whatever you decide to do, it has to be your decision, and once you've made the choice, nothing can or should stop you. You talk about psyching yourself to do it, and I know what you mean...but when you take the time yo psyche yourself, you take time away from the doing. Like the old Nike slogan: Just do it. It's what I've tried to do every time I've come out to somebody, and when I do it that way, I find it goes much easier, rather than stressing out about whether or how to do it.

[KatieC]

I've thought about not coming out, about just keeping things the way they are, but I don't think it'll work in the long term. I feel like I'm living a lie to keep hiding it. So it's not really a question of "should I?" as it is a question of "when?" and "how?"

[Jocelyn Quivers]

In the end the decision of whether to tell your wife or not is yours. I will say that a consequence of holding secrets is that it will eat away at you as I'm sure you already know and are experiencing as you wrote in your initial post. However a result of this is that your desire to repress this part of you will eventualy force it's way out and come out at the very worse time and in a manner that you did not intend. Jocelyn

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

Ahh, KatieC. Such a heavy burden to carry for so long! I'm fairly new at this myself, having found out about my boyfriend's CDing about a month ago. I hope you don't mind if I give you a little bit of advice from a GG/SO perspective.

One, I second Julogden's advice on perhaps trying to work with a therapist. Both my boyfriend and I are currently in therapy (we were before the CD revelation, too) and we have discussed the possibility of trying some couples counselling to help us work through some of our issues with a neutral third party. My therapist has been a godsend.

Two, if your baby is only five and a half months old, there is a very great possibility that your wife still has a ton of hormones raging around. I would hesitate to have The Talk at this juncture for this reason, especially if she is breast-feeding and/ or a stay-at-home-mom. She is probably dealing with the hormones, the lack of sleep and caring for your other two children and coping with your revelation at this time might be difficult for her.

Now, I'm not saying that you should never tell her. In fact, I think you should tell her because it's clear from your post that you are very conflicted and that won't go away. Not to mention the stress that a "double life" can cause! However, I did want to bring up the recent pregnancy thing, as there are a lot of stresses that come with that for a new mom.

Three, before you talk to your wife, plan out what you are going to say. In my case, CDing was brought up very casually before sleep. No questions were asked or brought up and this led to a couple of roundabout discussions where I was trying to figure what it meant to him and to me. When we finally had a real, open conversation, I felt a lot better.

There are a zillion articles out there on How To Tell Your SO about CDing, so I won't get into the specifics here, though I do encourage you to read them. I wish my boyfriend had!

Four, none of us can predict how your wife will react, nor what it will mean for the state of your family but, as I have learned very quickly, the forum is here for you when you need to bounce things off others. Do be prepared for shock, confusion and a sense of betrayal, especially as you are already married and have kids. I can't speak for everyone, but I know I felt like, "The hell? I thought I knew him and that he told me everything. How could he have kept this a secret for so long?" Also be prepared to show your wife that you still love her and are attracted to her.

I do encourage you to say something eventually though, as it's not healthy for you to keep all of this inside. It's not healthy for your relationship with your wife, either, as there is this big looming secret. I wish you the best, and I'm sorry this is so long.

Violet, this was an amazing post and covered everything I was going to say and more!

[rachel_mead]

I've thought about not coming out, about just keeping things the way they are, but I don't think it'll work in the long term. I feel like I'm living a lie to keep hiding it. So it's not really a question of "should I?" as it is a question of "when?" and "how?"

I know how you feel Katie. If you ever want to chat with me about it I'm more than happy to give you more details of my decision and approach. You can get to me on yahoo messenger: rachel_mead
Best wishes,
Rachel

[shauna 9]

all we can do is give you advice only you will know how she might react.

[Alandra]

Wow! My first post in here. Been lurking around for about a month. In any case, I AGONISED over telling my wife after the urges to dress were just unbearable. I couldn't stand it anymore. It has gone very, very well. I am so much better off, now. Of course I can't predict how your wife will react. But in my experience, pick the right moment, be honest, take it in steps, answer her questions and maybe this will be a tremendously positive experience for you.