Slowly going mad

[Stephanie Scott]

I mean, I think this is THE QUESTION, isn't it? Agonizing, torturous, nervewracking -- all that stuff. I'm the last one to give advice (and yet, here I go!).

I was a closet CDer for 25 yrs -- since I was about 12. I was embarrassed and in denial about myself. On one hand, I'm a very masculine guy, and I enjoy being that way. On the other hand, I sometimes feel like a very feminine girl, and I enjoy being that way, too. Once I just accepted it for what it was, reconciled and made peace with it in my relationship with God as a Christian, I felt much better.

But I still had a secret. Secrets between spouses are bad. Bad bad bad. They eat away at marriages. My wife was and is my best friend, and yet, she didn't know me-- not really. Now how depressing is that??? And how lonely is that?? I was terrified to tell her -- 10 yrs and 2 kids into the marriage especially. Finally I did, and her response has been ... well ... lukewarm. She has good days and bad days about it. But because we love each other dearly and have a strong marriage and a strong friendship, she has not had any second thoughts about staying with me and even trying to support me the best she can. And THAT is a blessing. I can finally be ME -- in whatever form that happens to take on a given day. I try to respect her feelings and boundaries the best I can, even if they are uneven and inconsistent at times.

So I say, if you have a solid marriage with a strong foundation of sommunication, then you need to tell. When you tell and how you tell are topics that only you can address, because nobody knows the dynamics of your relationship or the personlities involved better than you. Every situation is different. But I think you make a mistake in not telling eventually, because you WILL get caught ... eventually. And I think that is worse. Just my 2 cents.

[TxKimberly]

No question, telling someone you love can be the hardest thing in the world. Only you can decide if it is right for you, but I can tell you that I have no regrets about telling my wife.
It was like someone had lifted an entire frieght train from my shoulders.
Good luck!

[Modesty Blaise]

Hi Katie
I'm in a very similar situation, but you summed it up much better, I met my partner 8 years ago and we've recently had a wonderful daughter. After years of denial and displacement I was just about ready to tell her when she fell pregnant. My full situation, along with some helpful replies you might want to look at are in my recent thread http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...CDing+families
I really want to express myself but I'm terrified of hurting my SO. It feels a betrayl to "move the goal posts" on her, especially when we're now forever linked. But not telling her feels like I'm letting her down by not being open and sharing something that's so important. Also there's a fair chance I'll slip up at some point in the following decades and that'd be eve worse. It feels like there's no where to turn.
Anyway...If you wanna discuss it PM me.

And
Violet, that was a wonderful response, it is so helpful to hear both sides of this.

Love Modesty
xx

[Donna Marie]

My wife and I had been separated for a while in 2001. It was during our separation that I discovered crossdressing - never knew it was part of me before. I had been seeing a therapist and was feeling pretty good about myself, and we were exploring the possibility of getting back together. I felt that I had to tell her before we "merged" our assets again, so one night after a nice evening out I explained the whole deal. She seemed to take it amazingly well, asked a few of the obvious questions, and we kissed goodnight. She thanked me for sharing such a delicate subject. A week or two went by with no reaction, so I asked what she was thinking. She said she just did not want to deal with it, so the "merger" was off. Oddly though, I think we have become closer in the years since. We enjoy traveling together and we attend church together, but never does the subject come up......except ONE very important time. I had given her my old computer and I thought I had carefully deleted all files pertaining to CD. Oops - she told me one day that she had found a batch of emails somewhere in it. She said she was glad I had already told her about me, and the emails helped her understand better. Whew! Wish I knew what was in those old emails, but I sure am glad we had the talk first.

[KatieC]

Hi Katie
I'm in a very similar situation, but you summed it up much better, I met my partner 8 years ago and we've recently had a wonderful daughter. After years of denial and displacement I was just about ready to tell her when she fell pregnant. My full situation, along with some helpful replies you might want to look at are in my recent thread http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...CDing+families
I really want to express myself but I'm terrified of hurting my SO. It feels a betrayl to "move the goal posts" on her, especially when we're now forever linked. But not telling her feels like I'm letting her down by not being open and sharing something that's so important. Also there's a fair chance I'll slip up at some point in the following decades and that'd be eve worse. It feels like there's no where to turn.

Thank you for sharing the link to your thread, Modesty. Somehow I had missed it. The concerns you express there so very closely mirror my own. It's good to know that I'm not the only one going through a struggle like this.

Many, many thanks to everyone who has posted. I don't know that I'm a lot closer to when/how than I was before, but all of your support has gone a long way toward getting the anxiety under control. That's a fair portion of the battle, getting past the anxiety enough to think clearly about what/when/how to deal with my issues.

to all!

-Katie