what should I do? (anybody?)

[ginagurl]

There's this girl that I love who used to love me(and may still do). She's okay with my sexuality and is willing to accomodate with my CDing. However, it seems all good things come with a catch. There's someone that she's seeing. I'v etold her I'm happy for her and that I will always be here as a friend, but i've come to realize that i feel too strongly for that. Should I approach her with this, or just back away from the situation. I don't want to seem like I'm taking her from her current man, who's a great guy by the way, but i don't want to keep playing like I just care for her as a friend. I know what I would want, but I doubt she'd want me to just grab her the next time I see her and kiss her. Anybody got any advice?

[Chrissycd]

if you don't go for it, you're a fool.
I've spent my whole life accomodating others and being the nice "girl". Guess where it's gotten me...
divorced, dateless, and lonely without any prospects. I've finally realized my naivete, but it's a bit late now. I say throw the nice guy crap out the window. Nobody else plays nice anymore. Why should you?

[Sindy]

My best friend is a girl that was my first and up to this point my only love. She knows about my dressing, and she is married now. I know exactly where you are coming from. When she started dating the man that is now her husband I was extremly jealous, and I did tell her how I felt. I went with the approach of "if you love someone, set them free, if they don't come back, then it was never meant to be." Everything has turned out for the better, I still love her, but it is more of a love shared between siblings, and when I look at the bigger picture I do realize that she is better off with the person that she is with, he has given her everything that I could not. I don't really have any advice to give you, I just wanted to tell a similar tale, the only advice I can think of is follow what your heart tells you.

[Holly]

Gina, this comes from years of experience. You need to tell this girl how you feel. Let your heart speak for you. Her reaction will let you know how, or if, to proceed. But under no circumstances should you just, "grab her the next time you see her and kiss her." By telling her that you're happy for her (seeing this other person), you have empowered her to make the decision as to who she wants to be with. Coming on too strong will put at risk the chance of of any type of relationship should her leaning be toward the other person. Good luck!

[ginagurl]

If I was to follow my heart, I would ruin her relationship, which isn't exactly what i want to do because then she'll resent me for it. I would ordinarily be the one to say screw it and take her back by planting shit in his head, but this is different. I've never been so...I've never really loved anybody but her. This has actually been an ongoing love for the past six years, so it's not like it's new, but at the same time, she just recently started going out with this guy about eight months ago and he's already talking marraige. She's the type who wants romance and love but this guy just wants to basically own her by the looks of it. I mean, if she was to get married now, it'd be over in a few months anyway because they really don't know each other all that well. They're still in the stage where they're putting on their best act. This guy hasn't seen her on a bad day. I have, and I don't know if he would have any clue as to how to deal with her. Bloody hell, what am I saying, i should've told her what i thought so long ago that it's not real. I guess this is what I get for being Mr.. Nice Guy, huh?

[mand]

Gina I am the worst person in the world to give advice, I always get it wrong.
All I can say is follow you're heart love and being honest is the most important thing.
If you tell her I've got my fingers crossed for you

love and best wishes mand xxx

[biddy]

Gina
Feel The Fear And Do It Any-way, ever heard that before. Don't lower your-self to throwing spanners in the works on him, she will lean more to-ward him if she susses that one out. At the same time listen to what was said to you by Chrissy, you have a relaxed atmesphere around this lady any-way so go for dinner tell her your true feelings. How do you know that she has not decided that you are not kneen on her, and is now settling for second best. From what you have said I would not waste my time in getting on with it.
You mention HE CAN GIVE HER EVERY THING " CRAP " only you can give her the LOVE and UNDERSTANDING that you feel for her.
GOOD LUCK with it all sweety.

[Sweet Susan]

There comes a time in every person's life when they just have to swallow the lump and do what needs to be done. This is your hour.

[ginagurl]

Okay, now that I've decided(with you girls' help of course! ) to go into this full steam and tell her how I feel, now I'v ejust got to figure out how I am going to do it. Thanks for all the advice, you've been wonderful.

[Sigrid]

Good for you Gina, I'm sure you've made the right decision. I just want to stress what Biddy said, DO NOT bash the other guy, she'll only see that as being petty and jealous.

Keep us posted!

-Sigrid

[CindyT]

Go for it Gina! Maybe she is thinking the same thing! Let her know how you feel anyway, if it doesn't work out then just move on.

Please keep us updated!

[Andrea]

Had this happen to me. I really cared about a girl and didnt tell her in case I messed up our friendship and her relationships. When we did finally get togeather another guy who said he was her 'friend' was working away trying to split us up so he could move in. When we did split up he was in like a shot stiring things up not just with her but with her parents too,, making out he was 'the good guy' and being all supportive (ha ha !) and has now married her. I wouldn't bother about hurting him, if she cares for you get in there. I've learned that you can care too much for your own good.

You only live once, be happy !

[DonnaT]

I'v etold her I'm happy for her and that I will always be here as a friend, but i've come to realize that i feel too strongly for that.

Simply (simple?) tell her you weren't being totally honest with her. She'll ask in what way. Then you tell her your not really happy she's in her current rrelationship, but that you loved her too much to say anything negative at the time. But that after careful consideration, wanted her to know that you really love her.

From there, it's hard to say how things will go. But be honest.

Try not to say things about her boyfriend you can't back up with fact, or things that may sound like jealousy.

I believe the best way to discuss her boyfriend is to let her talk. Ask her how she feels when he does this or does that. Whether she feels rushed in anyway. Get her to express her feeling and whether she has any doubts, just don't directly ask her if she has doubts.

You'll figure it out from there.

Good luck.

[StephanieCD]

Remember, if her current relationship goes kerplunk after you tell her something that she's in control of that situation, not you. If something happens it will be in her hands - you can only control your life, and being honest with her is a good way to do that. It would be unfortunate if things don't work out for anyone after whatever happens but remaining silent is one way to guarantee that at least one of the three of you is unhappy... that one person happens to be the only one who's life you control - you.

Good luck.

[Wenda]

Always be honest. In the long run that is the only plan that is sustainable. Perhaps be being "the nice guy" you didn't make your feelings about her clear, and left her wondering what you really intended? Avoid dissing the other guy. Don't mention him. Her relationship with him is not your business. Your relationship with her is your business and the only thing you have the right to influence. Be honest with her and live with her decision. good luck, wenda.

[Sandra H]

Hi Gina.

When you find yourself in this position you feel torn between what you want and what you think is right. Resulting in dithering rather than getting down to making a decision. Please don’t take this as any form of criticism it happens to us all if we are lucky.

As I see things is as follows. You say that the girl is a very good friend of yours, so much a friend that you have felt comfortable to tell her of your cross dressing and she such a good friend to stick by you rather than fleeing. So you should be able to have a chat with her on friendly bases. You at the moment in time feel there is only two possible solutions either allow her to continue her new relationship with this other man, or go in so heavy handed that you end up with the worst of all situations, losing her a girlfriend and as a friend.

How about something like this? Inviter her somewhere for a hart to hart chat, don’t tell her what the chat is about before you start. You know her far better that I so where the chat should take place I will leave to you. But lunch would be a good idea as it is less formal than dinner and if things go well you have all afternoon to tell her your true feelings.

So assuming you ask her for lunch chose somewhere quite where you could linger over your meal without being rushed. Most places like this are romantic anyway so should set a good ambiance. During the meal start by saying how you have noticed her relationship she has build-up with the new man, remind her how close you both have been, so much so that you trusted her with telling her about your love of cross dressing. Tell her your feelings for here has moved onto love for her and you feel sad to think you have left it too late. During the conversation judge her reactions to judge how quickly or slowly you need to get to the main point.

The main point of this meeting is to try and win her back from the other man in a civilised way, or at least not to loss her totally and to have her as a friend. If you are lucky, it could be that she is going with this other man to get you to say just such things. Women love the word love, so tell her you love her and hope with all your hart that it is not too late to become more than good friends. Here again you will get a visual reaction long before a verbal one, so look at her reactions of her face.

This way she will not want to hurt you and if it is too late she will want to let you down gently. Tell her you love for her is such that even if it is too late, you would still want her to be a friend and wish her every happens. Before the meeting think what you are going to say, plan it out don’t waffle and be prepared to accept either answer. If you win her over she will finish with the other man and you will be very happy. If not? Well you are almost at the point of thinking you have already lost her to him. Either way it will clear the air. I am sorry for such a long answer, but something as important as a person’s life, hopes and wishes need careful appraisal.

I wish you the very best of luck and sincerely hope it goes the right way for you. Please keep us all informed, as you know we are a family here and I am sure there will be more than me worrying and thinking about you.

[Julie York]

You are young. It hurts . But you can romance the hell out of any woman and she knows what she wants. Playing the victim card is just emotional blackmail and will just make everyone feel bad for no purpose in the end.

Tell her what you feel , but it won't make any difference to the outcome unless it is what she wants. No woman ever changed her mind just because someone she didn't love, was in love with her.

It's harsh but practical.

Then get very drunk and listen to sad songs and neglect your appearance. It doesn't help, but it passes the time until you meet someone else.

I have been no help at all, but as someone once said to me "You are walking a well worn path".

And I still hate him.

[timme]

YES! Grab her tell her you love her,& kiss her.If you love this woman so much don't let her go!You never forgive yourself.How many time have I heard "I don't want her just as a friend"? of course NOT! you want her for your lover girlfriend maybe wife for life?
As far as your cross dressing goes if SHE loves you for who you are then she'll like your fem side too believe me!
TIMME

[biddy]

Gina,
How you doing girl

[ToniB]

Gina,
It's never too late until she says "I do". Remember Dustin Hoffmann in The Graduate! Don't ever give up!

ToniB

[Teddie]

Hi Gina,

I keep reading these posts, and it makes me think back almost 40 years to a time that I didn't go back after the girl that I felt was my life partner. And, I kick myself to this day for not trying to win her back.

I was stupid, I did things that I shouldn't have and it pushed her away. I had many chances to really tell her how I felt, and didn't. Kick. Kick. Kick.

I do love my wife very much. But, what if . . .

[azure]

I'd say smile wish her well, let her get on with it, and concentrate on taking care of you, and what you need, life really can be total crap BUT beautiful and wonderful things can and will happen,ya just gotta believe. Being the nice girl or guy gets you nadda,niente',zip,zero, doughnut babe. so ya gotta move the variables around some.
I was with a girl who I utterly was bessotted with, she was so pretty an petite, we'd talk for hours and were finishing each others scentences. I feel head over heels for her, I told her about sarah, and she immediatley went off with a guy , and moved in with him within a week, yeah great thanks.sod it.

[timme]

Hi Again AZURE,
I didn't tell you about my going with a young lady back in 1980-84.She was a strait Catholic girl.Only thing was she was a cross dresser like me.I didn't know about it for awhile after we had been seeing one another,& I told her I was a cross dresser.She admited to me she had a "deep dark secret" that she liked to cross dress in men's suits.So we ended up playing dress up together on weekends her in her man's business suit,& me in her ladies business suit which just barly fit me.Was this a fetish for both of us YOU BET IT WAS.I probably won't have a relastionship like that again,& probably never will.She would have been the bride AH GROOM ME the blushing BRIDE now that would had been a sensational wedding to say the least!(She passed away) so that didn't happen unfortunetly! Grab that young lady tell her who you are and your a CD you never know what's in store for you?
HUGS
TIMME
ARIZONA

[MsMichelle]

Personally, I wouldn't be waiting. If you feel that strongly you should really act on those feelings. We all have an inner voice and after being in Senior Management for 12 years I can tell you that you really need to listen to that inner voice. My experience has taught me over and over again that the moment that you disregard or ignore those feelings or voice if you will, you will have made the wrong choice about 100% of the time, every time.
Being an ex Navy Officer we had a very true saying " Indecision sinks ships, people don't"

Go For It!!

[ginagurl]

as i write this i'm recovering from a four day hangover. i took my chance, but apaprently too late. sh'e about to get married to that f***wad (pardon me francais) and I made sure she understodd my reasons for telling her, but to no avail. so i took the excellent advice of miss york, got terribly drunk, and until ten minutes ago, continued to listen to songs such as dashboard confessional's "vindicated." well, time to look for someone new, right?

gina