Question #1

[HelpNeeded]

Ok, I just recently told my son about you guys. He is here right next to me and I will now let him take over the keyboard.

hi, as of now all i would really like to know is why i am the way that i am. i really dont want to be this way. if anyone else found out they would probably call me a 'fag' or a 'queer'. every now and then i do get a chance to do it, while i do it it feels nice; but afterwards i always feel extreme shame. i feel as if i am letting myself down by doing this. when i see myself do it i basically ask, "why". for a good period of time afterwards i feel horrible, depressed, i want to stop but deep down i know that i cant. basically any input you can give me would be great.

I thank all of you for helping.

[DanaJ]

Hi HelpNeeded son - I have a few questions of my own, if you do not mind. This may help others answer your questions.

1) we know you are under 18, but how old are you actually?
2) you say you initially feel good when you do it, but then feel shame. What happens in that period between feeling good and shame? How long is this period - 5 minutes, 2 hours, all day?

DanaJ

[Sigrid]

First, let me say how very lucky you are to have such an understanding mother standing at your side.

Don't beat yourself up trying to understand "why?". There are some very wise people on this forum who've been searching for this answer all their lives and still haven't found the answer (stick around, you'll be hearing from MANY of them very shortly). Two popular theories go to chemical/biological influences in the womb, and the other theory speaks to influences in the home. Personally, I fall into the first camp.

One commonly accepted fact is that the majority of crossdressers are, in fact, heterosexual. Only the ignorant use such hateful terms like "fag". Unfortunately, there are allot of ignorant people running around, especially among school age kids. Don't misunderstand me, intelligent people can overcome ignorance if they choose to. My advise is to be discreet for now while you come to terms with this and choose your friends wisely. If they are truly friends they'll accept you for who you are.

Shame is only there because of what society's taught you about "normal" male behavior. I like to quote my wife who says "anyone who thinks they're normal, ain't normal". Hopefully, in time, shame will give way to acceptance. I've learned that these urges are far beyond my control and that any attempt to suppress them only leads to frustration and depression. So, I finally came to accept and lately embrace it. Now, I couldn't be happier.

It’s good that your so actively seeking understanding at a young age, I admire that.

Best wishes, I hope you find comfort here.


~Sigrid

[SissyPanties]

I don't fully understand why I like to wear women’s clothes but this article seemed to help a friend and so I decided to share it with everyone so it might help others. Some people might say I need a psychiatrist because I like to wear a bra and panties, but at least I’m not a serial killer. To my thinking, my aversion is pretty harmless and doesn’t hurt anyone. Some might argue that I hurt myself by crossdressing. My contention is that I will have these feelings whether I choose to express them or not. I choose to express them. I can tell you that I don't act effeminate and I'm definitely not gay. From outward appearances and my personal habits, most people would never guess that I am a crossdresser. I think a big part of the reason I like to wear women’s clothes is that they are much more provocative and sexier looking than men’s clothes. (At least, I prefer to wear women’s clothes that are sexually provocative.) By comparison, men’s clothes are boring, and are basically just functional attire. The most sexually provocative men’s underwear I’ve seen is the see through type and these are not easy to find. I guess the reason I get sexually aroused by wearing women’s clothes is that it breaks a social taboo that men learn very early in life. Men are not allowed to wear lace or even pink colors. It shouldn’t be a surprise then that my favorite sissy panties are pink that have generous amounts of lace. Besides, it feels good to have silky things next to your skin and rub you when you walk. Most men won’t admit to anyone that they have a feminine side even though I think all men do. If you ask me, today’s society is really the pits. Men aren’t allowed to cry or express much emotion (although a little is OK sometimes, like when a family member dies). I am almost envious of women. They can cry, feel anything, express it in any way they choose and it is considered “normal”. I believe I am more emotional than society allows me to express. But why I get sexually aroused by wearing women’s clothes is something I don’t fully understand. All I know is when I wear a bra and panties I get aroused. When I see pictures of naked women, I get aroused too. I’m a sexual guy. All I know is I feel things deeply and can’t always express my emotions, no matter how hard I try. I’ve tried to change and be more emotional but haven’t had any luck. It is easier to change your behavior than who you are.

[Noel Chimes]

The only thing I can say about the feelings you are having is that you are looking at yourself 2 different ways. When you see yourself dressed you admire all the work you have put in to aquire your look. However when you "switch" back, your male ego tells you that you have let yourself down. This is not true. You have taken the time to make a part of you happy, even for a little while. And there's nothing wrong with that.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy and free with who we are. So put your fears and apprehenion to rest and be happy with yourself.
Hugs and kisses, Noel

[MonaSmith]

I don't have any great sage advice to give you. The reasons for wanting/ needing to do this are different for everyone, and most of us have no clue why we feel this way. I know that it might be cold comfort right now, but it can and does get better. Having support makes all the difference, be it family, friends or support groups, like this forum, you don't have to deal with it on your own.

The most important thing is to stop beating yourself up about it, it achieves nothing and just makes you feel worse. It will take time but once you accept that you are what you are you can get on with being yourself. That is where happiness lies.

I hope that you find what you are looking for, I hope that we all do.

Mona xx.

[SissyPanties]

My only additional comment for somebody young is that there are consequences for crossdressing. It tends to be an obstacle in a relationship (I assume you are not gay). Personally I would be willing to quit if I found the right girl. I used to have guilt feelings after crossdressing myself, but those feelings went away with time. I have been crossdressing for many years.

[alicorsetant]

I like the comment that Sigrid's wife makes about 'those who think there normal, aint', this is so true.
For what is it to be 'normal' I have been through this with psyciatric professionals and I have come to the conclusion that we in our own way are 'normal' in what we do, say, think and act, it is only when you step out of the 'acceptable behaviour' of the community that you are labeled 'abnormal'.
This is a subjective and rather retentive view, but it is how the majority of the non enlightend view anything they are scared, unsure or have no experience of, it is so easy to say it is not normal as it allows them to escape without having to deal with the situation, also safe in the knowledge that they would probably get the support of others present.
As for the guilt thing, enjoy it for the time you do, the only reason you feel like that is the conditioning that you are subjected to everyday all around you, girls wear skirts, dresses etc and boys dont, that is the social acceptable norm, in the eyes of the majority of the community.
You are lucky to have a supportive farther, and between you I am sure you will find your way forward, good luck and all the best.

[Sophie]

It takes a long time to get to know yourself. it takes even longer to like yourself. I'm 25 and i have just about come to terms with myself in my everyday life, and i think that is quite early!

As a CD, I have been very fortunate to find myself with an extreemly supportive fiance who, as luck would have it, is quite up on the Psycology of life. so I'm quite happy with my desires to wear "womens" clothes. (they aren't by the way, they're mine too!)

But like you, i don't want people to find out about me. For all sorts of reasons.

Fear of ridicule
Fear of losing my friends
Fear of losing my Job/career

Notice they are all fear due to society. But all still very real.

The point is, you can be the way you are, i can be the way i am, and the world doesn't have to know. if they do find out, it may not be so bad. You are not doing anything wrong, you have broken no laws (where i come from anyway!)

As for why.... well could be anything, but from waht you say, I feel like I was in a similar position about 9 years ago. And my mum found out too! I liked wearing girls clothes, felt good when i did it, felt wrong after, but as has already been said, the wrong part is just as a result of what we think we know. i thought that maybe it was the thrill of the taboo at first. So when i was discovered i burned everything i had accumulated. I soon found out it was more than that and felt gutted i had got rid of everything!

As far as being a Fag or Queer. Well I'm not Gay and most CD's aren't. I am very much a Boy or Action Man! When not in a skirt! so there is room in life for all sorts of variation.

I reckon that you, me, everyone here, is just experiencing/enjoying more of life than your usual everyday person. or at least the image that the everyday person creates for themselves.

I've seen it written that 10% of all men crossdress. that means that you already know a lot of them! Probaly more of them are way too scared to let themselves even think about it. But... you are lucky because you have support, you know that you will be loved no matter what. and that goes a long way.

By the way, if we all get a bit deep, it's probably because we are all in touch with our feminine sides! (and the ladies love that!)

Best of luck

Sophie (some of the time)

[HelpNeeded]

For those of you that do not know, I am his mother. The father and I split up a few years ago. My son is 14 years old.

[StephanieCD]

This is a long post - I've been hoping to have a chance to talk to you for some time... so sorry if I babble

Hello - I remember feeling just like you must right now. From what I can tell, you feel very similar to how I have for all of my life. The one thing I most wanted to hear was that someone understood... so I'll tell you about me.


I am 28 years old. I'm a guy. I'm a web designer. I'm smart. Artistic. Girls always said I wasn't "really a guy" because I wasn't "like them". I have a short haircut and I'm told I'm pretty attractive. Got beat up and picked on in school some - for being a "fag" and "queer" - EVEN though, I had a girlfriend and no one ever caught me. They just beat me up because I was different no matter what I was wearing. I'm heterosexual. Always have been - but for a while, I thought "what if I'm not? What if these feelings mean something?" and so on... After a lot of searching I found I was right from the start I just like women's stuff for some reason.

I started dressing when I was 5. It's my earliest memory. Sneaking in and trying something on. I didn't know why. I do remember going through my parent's stuff when I was a bit older (like many kids do at some point)... I saw Dad's closet: dirty, brown, and bland. It smelled bad. He had 3 pairs of paint and mud covered brown shoes. The most interesting thing I found was some bullets (he was a security guard at the time). Then I saw Mom's closet. It was like a mystery... a soft, colorful, pretty mystery. Everything felt and smelled nice. She had lots of pretty and interesting shoes with shiny straps and all that jazz. Everything was so much better. Then I went in their drawers. Same thing. Dad had boy underwear and socks - woo hoo. But in Mom's... well, let's just say I probably wasn'nt supposed to ever see half of that stuff. I knew I had been snooping, I knew it was wrong, but I was so curious.

When I was about 8 or so I painted my toenails for fun - I'll never forget the smell. My parents surprised my brother and I with a swimming trip to my grandparent's pool. Everyone playfully laughed at my toes. My 'cool uncle' even saw - I was so embarassed and ashamed. That's when the closet got nailed shut for me.

It's easier hearing the next stuff from a complete stranger so I'm just gonna go there... then, puberty came. Up until then, for some reason, I had liked 'playing dress up' sometimes when no one would know - I didn't know why. But NOW, I was developing sexual feelings... I found myself very turned on by the clothes - I was always interested in what women were wearing (in particular I alwasy noticed their shoes). As I started to (sorry if it's embarassing, I'm trying to help) masturbate I found that clothes really made the experience very exciting. But the shame grew. I tell you, the shame and embarassment were unbearable sometimes. I even, at one point, would walk a mile into the woods to bury a plastic bag of my few pieces of clothing... I'd bury it and mark it with a rock so I could find them later. I went to some great lengths to hide - from my parents, friends, family, girlfriends... everyone. The shame was worst right after having dressed - which, honestly was attached to something sexual by myself. I was sent to therapy - I made one mistake... I happily took the therapy and LIED to hide the dressing because I didn't want my parents to find out. I was prescribed medicines and referred to other doctors and just started a downward cycle of lies, depression and horrible anxiety.

I'm going to be honest - the shame is still there. I'm just beginning to get a handle on it. You have an enormous headstart on me. Your Mom RULES. Seriously, you have a GIFT right there with you - thank her in your own way. But back to the point - I'm just getting a handle on it because I"m just starting to accept myself. Fact is, for some reason, being in a room by myself and dressing up like a girl, in whole or in part, makes my HAPPY - something so little in my life actually has. I compromise with myself. I don't want people to know - so I do little things. Right now, my toenails are painted. I get home, take off my shoes, and after a long day - I smile. I don't know why. There are theories... but one thing stands - I've never heard of anyone 'beating' it... only learning to live with it on their own terms.

To deal with the sadness and strange feelings afterward - this is my serious suggestion. Find the fun. Take advantage of the fact that you have such a wonderful mother. Ask her for private time now and then. Play dress up by yourself and, instead of doing the nasty right away and then feeling bad - play Doom or clean the house (it's fun, trust me ) for Mom. As you start to associate this side of you with fun and privacy, rather than sex (which comes with all kinds of hangup, particularly at your age), you'll start to allow yourself to be happy. Not saying not to masturbate - don't get me wrong. Just don't make one about the other, you dig?

Also, if it's a possiblity - ask Mom if you could see a therapist (not a psychiatrist, the med doctors - a therapist is more a person to talk to) once in a while. Just don't lie like I did. Remember, if Mom does find out - she already knows. And, trust me, a therapist has heard worse It honestly helps to just have a stranger to talk to. You can talk about stuff it migh tbe hard to go over with mom, too. Even though it sounds like she's great - we all can't talk about everything with mom

So, in summary - you're not a freak. Love your mom, go dress up by yourself, laugh at yourself if you want, play a video game or something (I play C.O.D. in a dress sometimes!) and remember this as you go ahead in life... you're going to want to hide, and that's ok - but you can only hide from those you love for so long. Honesty is the best policy, those who truly love you will accept you and screw the rest.

With your mother's permission you may PM me and I'll give you my email if you want to talk sometime, I'd love a pen pal.

[StephanieCD]

I hope I didn't make anyone uncomfortable, by the way. I'm trying to help by being open.

[Julie York]

Can I come out from behind the sofa now? Yikes Stephanie!

My twopenny worth...

You're normal.
It happens to some of the nicest creative clever people on the planet (waves!..) and the ONLY problem with it, is that it doesn't make much sense.

[Halo]

Wow, Stephanie. (Does that make me sound like Number 5??)

I think that post should be made into a sticky, as I bet that a lot of us can identify strongly with that.

My advice to the son would be, don't ask "Why?", ask "Why the hell not?" - it's easier to answer

[SissyPanties]

I have gone through just about everything that Stephanie talked about, including masturbating. To be honest, I wish I were not like this but I have accepted myself for what I am. I just say to myself "I am what I am". It may seem strange using philosophy according to Popeye the Sailorman but it works for me. A therapist might help as long as you tell them everything. You can private message me as long as it is OK with your mom.

[Marianne]

First of all, Hi 'Mom'! Give yourself a pat on the back for attempting to understand your son rather than taking the attitude a lot of parents might have done.

I'm a parent myself (and a grandparent!). None of my kids are crossdressers (at least not as far as I know), my youngest daughter (she'll be 22 this year) is bisexual tho, and she and I often have long conversations about 'this kind of thing' (At least as long as possible, since she's in college some 3,000 miles and an ocean away).

By day, I'm just an 'average' male, working for a living, seperated now, but only recently , and after raising a passle of kids. I'm a touch more 'macho' than most, since my hobbies include teaching full contact martial-arts, making my own primitive archery equipment and studying traditional japanese sword-arts.

By night and weekends, I'm rather different, as you can see by the picture.

I've been a cross-dresser since I was about 12, and kept it hidden up until a few years ago.

I've turned out ok, at least I like to think so.

----

and to the young man.

It's only natural to feel 'scared'. It's only natural to feel 'shame'. All your life you've had pressure on you. Pressure at school from your 'peers', pressure in the media (television, movies, newspapers, books). Much of the media pressure is from people attempting to turn you into a good little productive and happy consumer.

All of the advertizing you see is designed to make you want to buy something, and what better way than to appeal to our innermost thoughts, our instincts, and to attempt to make us 'conform'.

For example, they'll sell you cologne by trying to convince you that it will make girls leap on you in the elevator or supermarket. They'll sell you Dockers or Levi jeans by making you think that by wearing them some super-model is going to pull up alongside you in her Ferrari and take you home.

They do the opposite when selling to women.

There are some rare exceptions where they will show that going into the hardware store *can* be done by a woman.

As for the 'peer' pressure you get at school, laugh it off. The most extreme reactions are from fear. Something like 1 out of ten of your male classmates has probably worn panties, 2 out of ten might feel 'attracted' towards other males.

The rest are 'scared' of something they simply don't have the life experience to understand. Their own sexuality. They are *scared* of it, they will attempt to hide behind the 'macho' image.

If you've ever seen the Blue Collar Comedy tour, you might know the joke/story that Bill Engvall tells about having to pick up some 'pads' for his daughter at the store, and how embarassed he was about it.

A 'real' man not only knows where to find them in the store, he also has no issues whatsoever at buying them.

A 'real' man can beat wolves back with a stick on one day, buy his wife/daughter/sister a pack of tampons the next day.

A 'real smart' man learns from both experiences, and makes sure to carry a gun if there are wolves about, and makes sure there is *always* a supply of pads and tampons in the house (and glove compartment)!.

It's things like that which you can only learn from experience (or from ASKING!), they don't teach you that kind of thing in school.

As for 'letting yourself down', I don't think that's accurate. Take the advice offered above and see if you and Mom can't talk to a professional about it. Feelings of guilt, shame etc are only natural as you mature from a 'boy' into a man. Your body is changing, your mind is changing, the chemical balances within you are changing.

It's possible that you will 'grow' out of feeling delight at wearing womens clothes, just like some people grow out of looking at the centerfold of Playboy or grow out of being attracted to certain types of people. As we mature, as we gain more experience and wisdom, our tastes, preferences, desires will change.

It's also just as possible that you won't 'grow' out of those feelings, I never did and I'm almost 50.

[confused]

Good evening,
Welcome to the forum, I am also new. I started to crossdress when I was 11-12 and when my mom found out she was not near as understanding as yours. Shortly before I joined the military I trashed all my fem clothes. Well I am now 22 and have started up again, and am slowing getting to feel more comfortable with who I am. The fear of someone at work finding out is still there.

[timme]

Dear help needed.
First off there isn't a soul that is a transvestite/cross dresser that can tell you why you enjoy cross dressing.I can tell you this it excites me sexually,and that the main reason why I dress up as a girl.You should shake the being shameful and feeling guilty about you desire to cross dress.Unless you are just expermenting being a Transvestite (most do not they are either or, nothing in the middle) you'll probably never lose the urge to cross dress anymore than I have for the past 46 years I've been a transvestite.I tried to quit a few time and it last only a short period of time before I started dressing again.Unless your a strong soul,or just a passing fancy you will always have the urge to cross dress.I can't say for what the furture has in store with your family and yourself.Just talking about here and with your family is a great start.I hope you keep a open mind and talk and ask questions that what this site is all about.Oh!how it would of been much simplier for me if the Internet been around forty six years ago when I was in your shoes.
HUGS GOOD LUCK
TIMME

[StephanieCD]

Hope I wasn't too over the top I just always wished, when I was young and trying to figure out why I did what I did, that someone would just tell it to me straight - someone who knew about these things. I spent my life in shame and fear - until I met a pre-op TS (that's pre-operation transsexual to the uninitiated here) - s/he showed me it was ok and talked to me frankly. Little did she know I was a CD... I kept it a secret, even from her.

So, please excuse my bluntness - if helpneeded wants, I will remove the post... perhaps it's too old for her son?

[SissyPanties]

I thought what you said was good.

[DonnaT]

"MOM," just wondering if you and he tried the forum for the younger generation I mentioned in my PM?

"SON," I reckon you can tell from the above posts, there are adults, even older than those you've heard from, who still feel as you do now.

Personally, I guess I've been lucky and never felt bad about being a crossdresser. What's the point? You are how you are, and the sooner you accept that, the better you will feel.

Why are you this way? Research points towards genetics and hormones processed before you were born. Some don't subscribe to that theory, but until a better one comes along, that's my story and I'm sticking to it

Seriously though, many things can happen to our genes as we grow from the egg to a baby. Some people end up with XX chromosomes (female) and some XY chromosomes (male), however there are other combinations as well, such as XXY, XXYY, XXXY. So as you can see, anything can happen as we are being born. And there is no cure. So there is no need to beat yourself up over something that has no cure.

As for how to deal with what you are feeling, i.e., shame, etc., you should only feel that way when you do something bad. Crossdressing is not bad. You are not hurting anyone. It is not a sin.

You'll find as you get older, the younger generation, especially some of the girls, like the idea of dressing their boyfriends up.

You are lucky that there is so much information available on the Internet, but unlucky as well because all that information can be confusing. Remember, though, that being a crossdresser pertains to gender identity, which is completely separate from ones sexual orientation (bi, gay, straight). The two are not related.

There is a movement going on in schools now that is directed towards teaching kids tolerance with those they perceive to be different. While mainly directed towards tolerance of gays and lesbians, transgered youths are also being included.

If you want to make sure things for you and others like you in school are not as bad as they were for us, you might want to consider the information on following web pages: http://www.dayofsilence.org/

You hold your destiny in your own hands, and your mother can only help point you in the right direction.

And when you get older, remember not to hide it from anyone that may become your future wife. Always be honest with them, always.

[StephanieCD]

Here here.

[Tristen Cox]

Can I go next? Oh ok thanks Hi again mom, good to see you came back. As you can see you've gotten some help from some really good people. I'm not all that worldly but what I do say should make some sense I hope. So I'll try to keep this short and to the point.

(To your son: )

Hiya friend!
Don't even look at the title under my name above my picture, it means nothing. I am really as average as they come. Well maybe not even average. Before I found these people here I felt alone confused and also self aware that I too felt guilty. I wondered why I was like this, wondered why I couldn't stop trying to look more female. I found a fair amount of education from the 'ladies' here and knew from their words and experience there was no longer a need to feel alone. There are tens of thousands of us and probably more all over the world(maybe millions). It boils down to expressing yourself. Some guys act macho to express themselves. Some prefer to become smart, or to some degree be 'in power' over things. Each of us strive to be what we feel inside. This crossdressing thing is just another facite of that trying to express what we feel.

Straight up, it may not last for the rest of your life. You may find you no longer like it and lose the urge at some point. But to deny it will just bottle up this energy and feeling you have. That right there can and possibly will do more damage over time. What will be will be, so let yourself free and express who you are without feeling guilty. You've been given the gift of life and choice. This is your life and these are your choices. When you are dressed look in the mirror. Do you like the way you look and feel, or does it disgust you? Your answer is right then and there. That's the power of choice, but things do change and you have to change with them. Don't lock out knowledge. Learn from others on this side, most of us are just normal people who do the same thing as everyone else in the world. And we have the added benefit of seeing things fully instead of from one side of the fence.

Hopefully that adds some light for you. Ask anything you like anytime, that's what we're here for Take care

Love
Tristen

[Jill]

Hello there, I thought I would throw in a little bit here because I do care, and I have seen what you have typed and asked and it strikes a familiar chord. When I was your age, I often felt a lot of shame along with what I did. I am not completely comfortable with it now at 26 but I am just more comfortable with who I am as a person and I think in time, you will find the same thing. I think what you are feeling is natural and my advice is to just do what's natural and certainly try not to take it too seriously. It's tough being that young anyway, with all the pressure to fit in, be strong enough, athletic enough, good looking enough, cool enough, it's rough. Whatever you do, don't let your peers find out, none of them are mature or loyal enough to understand.

As for why it's this way? That was one of the first questions I asked when I came to a forum like this one. Why do we do it? I certainly don't know, I just like how it makes me feel, that's all I can say and that's probably all you can say to. I haven't been able to figure out the real reasons why, but I don't worry to much about it. That's just how it is...

You are lucky to have such a supportive and loving mother. I know you feel ashamed and embarrassed about it, but your mother really does care and you can trust her and I would urge you to do so. Good luck.