Should S.O. or Wife See You En Femme?

[CarrieAnneEvers]

I believe it is important to tell your wife or SO about your cross dressing. I feel dishonest if I keep a secret of that magnitude from her. However, I have decided not to allow my future wife and/or SO see me en femme. Here's how I got there:

I dressed in front of my ex-wife a couple of times, and I dressed in front of my last girlfriend a few times. In both situations I felt a definite change in the relationship immediately thereafter. It was as if I had thrown a switch. Things were never quite the same after that, and I don't mean in a good way. I think some women feel as if their femininity or status in the relationship is threatened when they see you en femme. Cross dressing is very much like having an affair with another woman. The woman is part of you, but it still is infidelity in a way.

In the future, I will let them know about Carrie, but just keep her clothes in the closet when the real woman of the house is around. If your SO ASKS to see your alter ego, maybe it would be a different matter.

What do you think?

[Carroll]

My wife loves it when I dress

[Valeries_Online]

My wife enjoys me dressing and does my makeup. I do not fully dress all of the time. I wear panties and stockings under drab clothes with the occasional bra sometimes. So some days she has a man. Other days she has a woman. In between she has some mixture that is the everyday me. We don't have any real issues about dressing.

[carhill2mn]

I agree with you!

[Sally24]

If you have a convincing female presentation it can have a chilling effect on your wife's romantic feelings. I have to keep Sally out of sight on a weekend when we want to be together.
If your SO has non-hetero leanings or fantasies it might be different.

[Natty_W]

My wife and I share a wardrobe. The only concerns I have dressing in front of her is that I'm wearing what she was going to wear the following day.

But that works the other way too

[Sophie Yeats]

Well the only SO I've ever told about my dressing is my current love. I made the decision to tell her about two years after we started dating seriously. I was about to move to the other end of the country and she was considering moving as well. I didn't think it would be fair that if we were going to move in together that she should be kept in the dark.

That was five years ago. I'll be the first to admit that it's taken her a long time to be comfortable seeing me dressed. We're now at the point where it's all good and just another part of our lives.

The main thing that got us over the initial "Back to Russia" reaction was I think, primarily that she is an accepting person and loves me for who I am, not what I wear. Like me she is a very open minded person and treats everyone as an individual, not a collection of labels.

We also took it very, very slowly. One step at a time, moving towards a level where we were both comfortable. Then resting, adjusting and making sure we were both happy, before seeing where the next step would take us.

One other thing I think could be a factor contributing to our stable relationship is how we envision my femme self.

I've seen a lot of girls on here anthropomorphize their dressing, that's not a condemnation, just an observation. That is, take the whole package of dressing and bundle it into an Identity, almost a whole other person. Not litterally a whole other person, this is all just metaphor.
When you take something like this and envision it as a person / persona. Your significant other then does have another woman to be jealous off. Let's face it you buy this other woman gifts, you pay for her beauty treatments, you make sure she's happy and in return she makes you happy. For some people there is a receipt of sexual gratification. Never mind that you may be having sex with your wife, you could be deriving pleasure from the other woman in your life.
No wonder she could be feeling left out or jealous.

Although I choose to have a femme name, Sophie. She isn't another person she is me. When I dress, my SO still calls me by my given name. Not because she can't deal with me being called Sophie, far from it. I think it could be because she doesn't see the two of me. She just sees me. There is no division of masculine / feminine to what makes me.

Well that got a little deeper and more meaningful than I intended it to and I know it's just my opinion backed by armchair psychology. It's not true for everyone. Then again, very little in this world is one size fits all.

[Ruth]

This is difficult because not all wives or partners will react the same way, and it's not predictable.
My wife sees me en femme a couple of times a week and I would say she is tolerant rather than delighted to see Ruth. Seeing me en femme, and admitting my overt feminine behaviour, however, has not put a dent in her affection for me.
And she has noticed that my femme time pays dividends in that I am a nicer and more affectionate male than I was when I kept this stuff repressed.

[Krystyn]

Carrie I know what those "switches" are like...good point.

Only you can gage the right time to tell your S.O. and her temperament or reaction to it.

But really...you'll have to show and tell sometime...That is a given in the relationship...when will be entirely up to you!

For me it was a couple bottles of wine,quite night,warm fire and many hours of uninterupted talk and crying(on my part)...starting with "Transvestite 101" and ending with "this is where I fit into the Transgender Nation.I then answered all her questions and concerns as honestly as I could.

I thought that then was a good time for me to show her Krystyn...I asked her if I could...easied into it...and did it.

She has been very supportive since I "came out" to her.I couldn't live a lie and she,as my wife,deserved to know.That's the honesty part of the relationship.

Sometimes while dressed with her I do sense a bit of a threat situation...and she has commented that "my husband looks better in my clothes than I do" type of remark...I gently backoff then...I really don't look better...well maybe just a smiggen more...but only in some outfits(we are the same size in some things).

I think you speak the truth in your statements...but only you know whats right for you and when it's right!

Krystyn

[breanna53]

thats a tough question, My wife has seen me dressed. And she accepts it. But it does chill things. She sees bree as another woman it it does have a chilling effect. She treats me differently, i won't say cold, but shes not jumping me either. But in her defense, shes still getting use to everything. And realisticly i think most woman will treat us differently dresses than as thier man. I think they feel they have lost thier man.

Do you tell her? well i think a person should, a healthy relationship should have no secerts.

[linnea]

For me, this discussion--the pros and cons and variations on a theme--a very helpful. My SO doesn't know. I am troubled by the deceit, but I am terrified by what might happen to our otherwise wonderful relationship if I introduce her to my femme self.

[Sasha Anne Meadows]

My wife almost never sees me as in male persona. She doesnt even remeber what I look like that sometimes.

[Erica Lauren James]

Currently I am neither married or have a SO, but if I did I would definitely dress in front of her. Because I've been there before with the out of sight out of mind situation and it did not work out very well.

So in the future, listen up now, any SO or wife of mine will be one that wants and looks forward to seeing and interacting with Erica

Erica

[julie w]

my SO has bought me clothes and make up ,but wont see me dressed
she says she doesnt think she could handle it , thats ok with me I dont Push it
I think it is rare for a women to like their man being dressed and go out as two women , I have meet a few women that go to my cd club dinners
but only maybe one or two that will go out in public with there SO dressed

[MarinaTwelve200]

I have an "Its a private thing I do" attitude. Letting her see me dressed is just as 'out of line' to my senibilities as letting her watch me "pleasure myself"---some things we both do in private are just "personal".

Of course this is just a PERSONAL feeling I have in relation to myself. I am not judging those of you who feel differently, and to whom approach CD from a different POV. I can understand that.

[Jilmac]

I'm with you 100% Carrie. I was married twice and each time I told my SO before we were married, that I dressed. Neither one of them approved so I hid whenever I dressed. Each one caught me en femme and thingg definitely did change in a negative way. My first marriage ended in divorce (she blamed it on my dressing). My second wife stayed with me until she passed away this past August, but her opinion of me was different after she saw me en femme.

I'm in a new relationship now with a new SO, and I told her that I dress. She has mixed feelings about it but so far, does not dissaprove. She is trying to understand my need to dress, which I think is a plus for both of us. I have a good thing going with my SO and I don't want to ruin it by coming out to her unless she is absolutely ready. As long as she is ok with my dressing, I dont intend to do anything that could turn against our relationship. Luv and Jill

[Samantha B L]

I've always told any GG that I start to get close to that I dress. I was fortunate in that I had a very close GG freind who I knew since 1969 who was very,very interested in my dressing. I recommend that anyone who crossdresses tell their partner if the relationship starts to evolve into something serious. If she disaproves or thinks the less of you then you'll know that shacking up could be a mistake. I think it's OK to dress all you want at home in front of your SO. I once stayed dressed for 3 days at my GG freind's apartment. But use a little sense,your not just a child to be entertained by your SO and you will have to be a contributing member of the household with chores and everything else.

[MsJanGG]

Not really to add anything except it is such a shame that it has to be this way..with any negativity period. just sad... hugs to anyone that is made to feel like they are doing something that is wrong or would make them seem less in someone elses eyes...

[Angie G]

My wife is fine seeing talking to siting holding hand just not love making
Angie

[Mary Morgan]

Carrie Ann, I agree with you for the most part. I'm sure there are exceptions, and some of them are right here on this forum, my wife is okay with my dressing, but not okay with seeing me dressed. When she does, it is a setback in my opininon. Ironic that the one thing I would like to gain in all this is her companionship while dressed, and yet I don't see that happeneing for a very long time. Yes, they need to know, no they don't need to see. If they ask great, if they don't so be it.

[kristinacd55]

I agree 100%, my wife found out a couple months ago and it's ok I'm wearing panties every day & painted my toenails but doesn't want to see me enfemme which I will not push on her. If & when she's ready I'll be ready too!

[Andrea's Lynne]

My wife is completely OK with my dressing. But is not interested in seeing me completely "en femme" -- full make up, wig, etc. And I fully understand her position.

But we do get to share "girlfriend" moments like shopping (she values my opinion on clothes), and she always recommends "Skirt Therapy'" as she calls it, when I've had a stressful day at work.

I'm always amazed at how the day's stress melts away when I'm in a skirt.

[shenangovalleygal]

yes they should. they can be some help in giving you advice on what you should and should not do. i have dressed enfemme in front of my girlfriend a few times and said 'im cute' of course she says that about my male side too shes not the type of girl who could give you advice on what you should and should not do. the only thing she says are: 1. no dressing in front of our families. 2. no dressing for service. 3. no dressing in front of her womans ensemble (shes in a womans chorus). 4. no dressing when picking her up at work (which i done a few times). she just wants me to do it in her apartment with just her when i go to visit.

[heidi99]

A very interesting thread. I agree that telling the truth as the relationship begins to get serious is important. Whether to dress or not in front of an SO I think would depend quite a bit on the SO.

If a person tells the truth about dressing, but doesn't include the SO in that activity, isn't that more like cheating than being totally open about it? True, the SO knows about it, but still is likely to have resentful feelings about the activity being pursued while SO is not around. I'm not sure anything is gained by the "semi-sneak" approach.

If one tells early on as the relationship is developing, and gets a welcome reaction (ie, accepting, not just tolerating, and maybe even participating during the courtship), then that is an SO that is likely a better fit. A different type of reaction, in my opinion, means it likely won't work out, and both might be better served by pursuing other people. I realize that might mean being alone, but for those who don't already know about my past (got messed over badly by the ex-wife), my situation is such that I'm OK with flying solo, at least for a while.

[teresa jeen]

quite innocently my dressing came out by itself. we had just gone thru relationships and found ourselves alone. i needed a house sitter(for wilma my ger.shep.) i was a long haul trucker i had some belongings of my last g/f in the top drawer. my now wife found them(duh) while cleaning while i was on the road! (go figure!) she told me her 2 previous hubbys had both been dressers.whoopie!! boy it was easy then. shes still not comfy with the whole enchaulada but im happy the way things are going.