Should S.O. or Wife See You En Femme?

[Marvina Martian]

I am happy to share Bre with her. And as long as she gets her man plenty of the time too she is good with it. It's all about balance

[EelKat]

I'd just like to add a GG comment here:

Personally, I have no prob with a husband/bf en femme, however, other GG friends say that "I am weird" because of it too.

My feeling is that secrets do more to damage a relationship than CDing ever could. In a healthy relationship, both parties should trust the other and feel safe confiding in each other. When one side feels they must hide something from the other, than there is a problem with the relationship. You should never have to feel afraid of your loved ones. Regardless of what the secret is, any secret means that there is not enough faith-trust in the relationship. As much as wives will hate to admit it, if their husband is afraid of her, than most likely she has a problem, not him. Well, at least that's how I feel about it.



And what would I say to the wives and gf's who disapprove and get upset over the husband en femme, is this: What is on the outside is not important. It's what's on the inside that counts. Everyone has feelings. No one likes having their feelings hurt. Everyone wants to look good. No one should be punished for dressing in a way that makes them feel good.

[Sandra]

Well said Eelkat

I too have no problem I live with the dressing 24/7, it would be more strange to see her in male clothes now.

[Sheila]

I'd just like to add a GG comment here:

Personally, I have no prob with a husband/bf en femme, however, other GG friends say that "I am weird" because of it too.

My feeling is that secrets do more to damage a relationship than CDing ever could. In a healthy relationship, both parties should trust the other and feel safe confiding in each other. When one side feels they must hide something from the other, than there is a problem with the relationship. You should never have to feel afraid of your loved ones. Regardless of what the secret is, any secret means that there is not enough faith-trust in the relationship. As much as wives will hate to admit it, if their husband is afraid of her, than most likely she has a problem, not him. Well, at least that's how I feel about it.



And what would I say to the wives and gf's who disapprove and get upset over the husband en femme, is this: What is on the outside is not important. It's what's on the inside that counts. Everyone has feelings. No one likes having their feelings hurt. Everyone wants to look good. No one should be punished for dressing in a way that makes them feel good.

EelKat,

I agree with a lot of what you say ........ and in an ideal world that would be it ............. but also in an ideal world, their would be no lies, no secrets and the cdr would be able to go out dressed as they like 24/7 ........... unfortunately this is not an ideal world, so we have to make do with the one we have and I am sorry but dressing does have an effect on the partners and family of dressers so I would say to them .............. "you do have the right to feel upset, and hurt that the person who is meant to be closest to you in the world, has hidden such an important part of themselves ", and unfortunately looks do count in this world ........... we are all guilty of pre judging somebody on apperances, & by their actions, we are after all only human.

While I applaud your accaeptance ,I feel offended, that you infer that my partner did not tell me about himself because of, as you put it " there is not enough faith-trust in the relationship", ............ I am sorry but on that count for me, and many other I feel, you are so wrong ......... many partners here have found our years into their relationships .............. does that mean all those partners are untrustworthy ??? many cdr's will readily admit to not admitting to cding, for many different reasons, and lack of trust in their relationship/partner is very rarely mentioned

So should your wife/husband/partner see the dresser en-femme .............. YES, YES, YES, but only if both are comfortable with it, what works for one does not work for all

[TGMarla]

I more or less agree with Marina her. It's a private thing for me, and always has been. I'm not sure just how comfortable I'd be having her see me all dressed up. She's very traditional, and really is not down with the whole dressing thing.

On the other hand, she knows I do this, but I'm not sure she knows to what extent. If she did, I'm not sure what her reaction would be. Since she knows that I do this, if she were to let me know that she wanted to see me, I guess I'd arrange to let her see me. Since she never mentions it much at all, I figure she doesn't want to see me, doesn't want to know. Out of sight, out of mind.

It's her choice, for the most part. I don't force my little (big) habit upon her, and she doesn't get all over me for my idiosycracies. If that changes, then perhaps I'll entertain the idea of dressing in front of her. But in my opinion, that's not likely to happen.

[Merry]

Love one person is love all package, even though good thing or bad thing.

[Sheila]

Love one person is love all package, even though good thing or bad thing.

not neccasarily

[Sandra]

Regardless of what the secret is, any secret means that there is not enough faith-trust in the relationship.

I missed this bit when I posted earlier still had sleep in my eyes. But I too disagree with this, it isn't lack of faith-trust it's fear of not knowing what the partner will say or do. I kept a kind of secret when I first found out, why didn't I tell because of what I've just said fear of not knowing how Nigella would re act.

[Bobby Anne]

Personal opinion: Not really a very good idea.

Now after having said that let me state I did appear to my wife dressed. We thought it was a good idea. It didn't help much. I used to make tea when she came home and we would sit and discuss my cross dressing. She came to an arena of accepting it and me. Nothing I did really influenced her though. It was her love for me that saved us in my dangerous years.

I am still married to her after 38 years, we weathered the cross dressing period. She is happier now I am pretty much out of it, but that it never really goes away. I am content that I had my chance in the sun as a girl.

[Mitch23]

My wife is not ready to see me en femme although I believe that she has seen pictures of me on my computer. If and when she is, I will oblige. It is unspoken that I do, lead a very active life dressed, and have other 'weird friends'. I dropped my 'little hobby' onto her a year ago in a 13 year marriage. She reacted badly, and continues to be negative, blowing hot and cold. I do not blame her for this and expected her to react as she did, except that she did not leave me and wants our marriage to work.

I cannot see the big deal but accept that she has serious issues, so must compromise and love her just as I always have.

mitch

[JoAnnDallas]

When I cam out to my wife last year, she asked to two things. Not to dress in front of her or show her pictures of myself dressed. Funny thing is when it is warm outside, I can wear lady Hanes T-shirts, Lady Hanes shorts, panties, and fem sandals. I can also wear my PINk robe, PINK Satin PJ's and PINK fuzzy slippers. I guess as long as it is unisex and she can still see the male in me, she is OK. She also said I could have a Saturday afternoon where she would spend that afternoon at the gym. I try to combine this with my Tri-Ess meeting, so I can have about 12 straight hours of JoAnn time.

[Shelly67]

A tricky one this ........ After coming out , my wife was so surprised just how far I took my dressing - wig , falsies , full make up ect . I,ve got to be honest , when she finally saw me enfemme it was rather scarey - for both of us . But thankfully we saw it ( and several arguments ) through , and now she ,s happyto see me dressed , even buys me clothing bless her .
There is only one thing I can advise on this issue . If youre partner knows about youre crossdressing , choose the right moment and ask would she ever like to see you , perhaps even ask her for advice when you finally show yourself in full. NEVER allow her to catch you dressed for the first time - weather she knows or not. It will be seen as a form of deciet.
BUT....
Don,t push it . Respect the girls boundries . I think if you take things calmly together , then hopefully an understanding will develope and you,ll both enjoy one anothers company in full......
Be honest - be happy.
Good luck.

[Genifer Teal]

I don't believe you can have a healthy relationship if you can't tell your SO about this. As for her seeing me? Absolutely. ASAP. If is doesn't work for her . . . next. A little humor but my true feelings. Hoepfully I will never experience "the switch" as my recent girlfriends met Genifer first. If they don't like her, then it's me they don't like.

Back in the day, there was a partner I needed to tell and I couldn't figure out the right time or way to bring it up. I don't believe there is a good way to do that. My way around it is for them to know from the start. If they can't be with Genifer, they can't be with me.

Gen

[heidi99]

I missed this bit when I posted earlier still had sleep in my eyes. But I too disagree with this, it isn't lack of faith-trust it's fear of not knowing what the partner will say or do. I kept a kind of secret when I first found out, why didn't I tell because of what I've just said fear of not knowing how Nigella would re act.

I was going to agree with EelKat (and still do to a certain degree), but feel Sandra rephrased it well. Now, whether the fear is bred by past experiences WITHIN the relationship (depends on the current state, past transgressions) or whether it is a carry-over from past relationships (told in the past with bad results) or an assumption that is easy to make (society isn't all that accepting, why should this beautiful woman be any different.)

Ta-da. Back to communication being the right tool to get rid of fear. There has to be trust in the relationship to be able to talk about ANYTHING, including CD'ing. Otherwise, as Gen so aptly put it, NEXT.

[Eugenie]

Interesting subject...

I agree with you that hiding from our SO is not nice. It is in fact cheating with another woman, the one we impersonate when "en femme".

With regard to showing ourselves "en femme" to our SO, I think that we should respond to our SOs expectations.

1/ If, when they know that we are x-dressers, they don't want to see us "en femme" then just respect that decision.

2/ If they accept to see us "en femme", it doesn't mean that they enjoy it... They may just want to be nice to us... Perhaps it would be a good idea to figure out how to be nice to them on our side...

3/ There are a few SOs who seem to enjoy the experience... Lucky you who have a SO like that...

I am in the case number 1... And I consider myself very lucky...


Eugenie

[slamddoger]

i think you need to whith your iner feeling on this one

[Deann Renee]

My wife knows I dress in Femme but does not want to be a part of it. Itrulycan respect her for that.

[Marcie Sexton]

My wife wouldn't have it any other way...she not only enjoys seeing me dressed, but also helps in my makeup and what looks good on me...

The last few times I've dressed, shes also worked on my decorum...especially my walk and talk...

[gwenola-lisa]

Being in a similar case=
My GG refuse to see me as GWEN, but she knows = I always wear stockings-panties-night gowns at home, but never made-up, never wigged-
(except for my acrylic nails.)
When she accidentally falls on a pack of snaps, what a mess !!!

It is comfortable to know we are not alone in our problems;

I more or less agree with Marina her. It's a private thing for me, and always has been. I'm not sure just how comfortable I'd be having her see me all dressed up. She's very traditional, and really is not down with the whole dressing thing.

On the other hand, she knows I do this, but I'm not sure she knows to what extent. If she did, I'm not sure what her reaction would be. Since she knows that I do this, if she were to let me know that she wanted to see me, I guess I'd arrange to let her see me. Since she never mentions it much at all, I figure she doesn't want to see me, doesn't want to know. Out of sight, out of mind.

It's her choice, for the most part. I don't force my little (big) habit upon her, and she doesn't get all over me for my idiosycracies. If that changes, then perhaps I'll entertain the idea of dressing in front of her. But in my opinion, that's not likely to happen.

[Raychel]

My wife knows all the details about Raychel.
She has said that she has absolutely no interest in seeing me dressed.
For that I respect her.
She has in her mind what a husband should look like, and that doesn't include women's clothes.
Fair enough.

If someday she would change her mind, We would have a converstaion about it and weigh the consequences. If she still wished to see me dressed, then I would show her.

[Nadia-Maria]

My SO doesn't want to see me dressed, and this is no big deal for me. I respect her feelings. Sure, it would be great to do shopping enfemme with her. But I needn't that. I needn't to be seen dressed by her, since for instances I can post pictures to the internet and get some comments from others to improve my look. This is just all what I need.

At the beginning, SO's position was extremely rigid, but after a few months it is losing a little of rigidity.

For instance, she now accepts without minding I sometimes wear pantyhose in winter under my pants, because she understands it is more comfortable for me. And most of times she can't see it either.

I know it could change the relation (and probably it would) if I wanted to show me all dressed when she's home. I understood it would be a very bad idea. I don't use to waste time with bad ideas.


Hugs

Nadia

[TerriM]

Carrie, I agree with you. I have been married 36yrs. I told my wife after 10yrs of marriage. Shock is putting it mildly of the reaction she had whn I told her. To this day she has not seen me dressed. We talk very little of it. But I hang some of my things in our closet together and the rest is in the attic. She doesnt fight me on my going out 1x or 2x a month. I know, as much as I would like it, she will never want to see me dressed. When we were married a couple of years we went to a halloween party. I got all dolled up and it was fun, but when I tried to kiss her in the elevator she was repulsed. I knew then that she wouldnt accept my fem side. Things work out. For me balance is the key.
Terri

[gwendy]

[SIZE="3"]I thought it unfair to go into a marriage without telling Dee, my wife to be, about my cross-dressing: Mild BDSM was already part of our relationship with her playing the dominant role and I had introduced the idea of me being her ‘maid’. I would prepare and serve meals and drinks and generally fetch and carry for her but in my male clothes.
After a couple of light hearted quips from me about how I should really be in a maid’s uniform Dee said something about me looking pretty in a dress and that seemed to be my opening.
A deep breath and in I plunged - to my amazement and delight Dee seemed quite at ease with the concept of me being dressed to be her maid.
I admitted that I had quite a lot of femme clothes and we were soon in my bedroom with my wife to be choosing an outfit for me to dress in.
How wonderful it felt as I dressed in front of her, she sat by my side as I put on my makeup and Dee commented on how it obviously wasn’t the first time.
After I had done a twirl and she did a critique of my outfit she had me on my knees kissing her ankle boots - happy indeed.
Dee had always liked me shopping with her and accepted my opinion on what suited her so when she went to choose clothes for the wedding and honeymoon I happily accompanied her. We were in the lingerie department of Marks and Spencer’s and Dee chose on a delightful camisole and panty set for her and then decided that I would be wearing the same when we got married!
So, as I waited in the church, under my formal grey wedding suit I had on cream and pink camisole, panties with matching suspender belt and lovely lace topped stockings, exactly matching my beautiful wife’s.[/SIZE]

[paulaluvssz8]

Hi, I think that we all want our SO's to know about our fem sides. But how you show them is important. I told my wife about Paula 5 years ago. Where I messed up is I threw it on her one night. So to speak. I had her okay with me wearing panties from time to time and she even bought me a few things like a cami and panty set. And some sweet little lace boyshorts(which I still have). And things were fine. But I got impatient and broke out my wigs and cloths and she wasn't happy. After about a month she finally wrote me a letter demanding that I stop altoghter or she was going to leave me. I was able to stop for a while but not totally. I have been sneaking things around and I know that she will probably find out one day. But I want to try to do it different the next time. I love my wife and my family. And wouldn't do anything to loose what I have. But in respect of your question. My wife said that it took away her view of my masculinity. And that was what was so hard for her when she saw me dressed. So If she knows about your femm side then wait for her to want to see you dressed and ask her to set the bounderies.

[kristinacd55]

Very insightful thread. My wife found out, and has been supportive but doesn't want to see me dressed, and I am going to stick to that until the day comes (if it ever does) that she would say she wants to.