I'm dead serious here!

[Katie Ashe]

I'm told "I'm losing my husband." What does that excactly me? I don't know really how to say any of this. The only thing that has change in our relationship minus the fact that I lied to her for 11 years about Katie, minus the fact that I am changing to girl, etc. There is a lot to be said I can't write due to you'ld fall asleep. I asked: so you mean losing my penis, is that is what is most important to you. She said no, but did not answer any more. Is Husband only related to penis? What does Husband me to all of you? What changes the statis Quo? What does a wife mean to you? I don't think my answer is the same as my wifes, she is afriad to say? What makes me a good husband as a man and not a good spouse as a girl? If it not my penis than what. I'm here in tears writing so please don't make jokes

Please all write in , especially GG's/SO's

[badkitty667]

Ok, I will take a stab at this. I haven't followed any of your story, but I gather that you are about to transition completely into being a woman, as in having a sex change? If so, then here's my thoughts.

I love my girl. She is my whole world. However, I do expect that a penis stay attached to her. I once described it to her in this way. And forgive me if this example is in poor taste, but it truly is how I feel.

You go to the car lot. There is this fabulous BMW roadster. It has all leather seats, all the bells and whistles and a pristine paint job. So you say to the salesman, gas 'er up for me, because that baby is mine!! So you get the car home and you discover that all was not what it seemed. The paint is actually a different shade than you anticipated and the stereo isn't exactly positioned as you would have liked, etc. All in all its not a bad car just different than you expected. That's how I describe finding out about CDing.

What you are describing is like getting home and the wheels fall off, the engine block explodes and the seats are some synthetic material that falls apart. Not what you bargained for in other words. And that's what you are describing.

You wife did not expect this I am sure. It is a MAJOR life decision. It affects BOTH of you. It means the end of one sexual relationship and possibly the beginning of a very different one.

In my eyes, I am a very liberal person, but this would be just too wide of a river for me to cross. Most likely I would just amicably part ways and wish you the best. You have to see what your wife sees. You say its just a penis. I say its a vital piece of the fabric of your relationship. By cutting it off, you are essentially cutting out your wife's role. Some might say that's not true, and sex can change, yada yada, but in my eyes sex is VERY important. And if that sex has become unfulfilling or even a source of conflict than its time to pull out the big guns and see a therapist.

I know this was rambling, but I really am not sure what to say here. I only know how I feel and do not know your SO. Good luck.

[Nicki B]

Katie, the fact that you are 'changing to a girl, etc' - surely that means she is losing the man she thought she married, forever?

So, you might say 'but she's getting a girlfriend instead' - but why do you think she needs one?

Surely a husband fulfills many roles, not just 'a penis'? Two strong arms, a smell, a hairy chest to lean against - someone to be protected by, even to show off... The list goes on and on?

[jazmine]

What she means is , she's loosing "her" concept of what a husband is "suposed" to be in "her" mind that was molded from society. She likes men. Now her man is sorta like turning into a woman. My wife cried the next day after I told her I crossdressed, and she seen me dressed. After she worked things out in her head over time, she told me that when she seen me dressed for the first time....her image she had of me being a man , and what society calls out for man to be in the world and in her life.....died. I think I got that right. You'd have to ask my wife "kiddo" on the exact wording.
But eventually she accepted my new "self" as the norm. She says she can't see me any other way, and couldn't imagine not being with a crossdresser. But then again I move around in the world looking like a guy. I like my guy self. I maybe wearing pantyhose under my pants ,keeping Jasmine close. But I guess I move around on this planet day to day as a guy. And yes, there are times when she asks me to come to bed wearing my boxers only. No girl stuff. And she only wants to have sex with me in guy mode. I have no problems with this. I guess this is our middle ground. I'm more than happy to do this for her. These are only my thoughts, and may not apply to your situation. I hope the very best for you and your wife.

[docrobbysherry]

Did u ask your wife what SHE wants? I don't have any words of wisdom, maybe warning.

I was with my ex for 10 years. She had put on weight, and I was not very motivated in bed. She quite trying to get me in the mood, and our sex life evaporated! Not long afterwards, so did our marriage.
And it had NOTHING to do with CDing, ( which I wasn't doing back then), much less TSing!
Good luck dear. I like the "therapy" suggestion a lot!

[MJ]

you must try to understand woman . you see some woman are hard wired to accept only men they can not engage in sexual relationships with another woman in there eyes thats gross ..eww
some woman are hard wired and could entertain the idea of being with another woman or man they swing both ways and it don't bother them.
and some woman are hard wired to just be with another woman nothing else .

my point is this you are asking your wife to change her sexual preference she may not like that . she could be hard wired for only men ..
i understand you love her . But what you ask is so very hard for her to change . so in a way in her mind she is losing her husband..
she is losing the man she feel in love with her knight in shining Armour .
keep talking try to understand her point of view , remember you need to get inside her head . don't disregard her feelings . can a leopard change it's spots
i wish you both well

[RikkiOfLA]

Katie--

If you are serious about being a woman, please think like a woman.

For a man, sexual orientation (straight vs. gay) is about the total package the other person presents--looks, texture, deportment, etc. If it looks like a woman, it is a woman.

For a woman, it really is about what the other person is underneath the clothes and mannerisms. The penis is the difference. Many women can compromise on crossdressing. They might be able to accept a husband who dresses 24/7, even. But cut off the penis? No way!

If you NEED to have SRS, you will have to have it. Your life will be miserable otherwise. You'll be suicidal without it. But you'll lose your wife.

If you don't NEED it, get creative and explore other options with her. Keep the penis, establish how much dressing she can tolerate. Hormones? Up to the two of you. Sex? Up to the two of you.

Give up what you can. Keep what you need. Anything is possible.

You are in my prayers, Katie.

Blessings,
Rikki

[Nikki A.]

If you do transition she is losing her husband. That is who she married and now you want to change and expect her to go with it. Some women can, but most won't. You need to decide on your priorities and make the decision what is important to you.
I hope that whatever you decide will bring you to the peace that you are seeking.

[Raquel June]

"I have nothing to prove, accept me for whom I am, or be on your way." - Katie Ashe

Sorry to go off on a bit of a tangent, but this is an all-too accepted philosophy. People have responsibilities. You can't just go totally bananas then say, "Hey, this is me. Accept me for who I am or get lost, pal." There is a certain way a family functions, and whether you like it or not that is what you're signing up for when you get married. You can't have a wife and kids and say, "I really want my penis removed, but that doesn't make me any less of a husband, so it's your problem if you can't deal with it. Till death do us part!"

You can't blame other people for not "accepting" you if you've been living a total lie. I'm not calling you a bad person in the slightest, but this is your personal problem, and it's not something you can unload on your wife and blame her for not being able to handle.

To a large degree you belong to each other. What's mine is yours, what's yours is mine, etc. Getting your own penis removed really isn't much more reasonable than giving your wife a mastectomy against her will. It really doesn't look like you two should be married. Given your current state I have to assume the marriage has actually been over for quite some time.

[Katie Ashe]

Many of you have great points. She was/is Bi-curious and was with a girl for about 5 min, until she was reminded "boys only", We've been together for 18 years, we both agreed to work through this, she is not ready to leave. We have strong family values and are a close family of 4. Think like a women, yes I can see that and do, but your glass has water and mine has lemonade, I just need a little help somethimes ok. Some of her problem is society and that plays a big part on how she feels, affraid. I am sensitive to her needs, and tried over the last 10 years to tell her, it ain't easy you know. Sex, can't do it, Not required to have good relationship, but she misses it, but has her own problems that I will not discuse here. There is so much I'm not saying here to fill in the blanks, I'm just tring to cover the basics. I've been continplating offing myself since age 14, but can't do it out of guilt. She didn't ask for this, nor did I, we are doing the best we can. Yes maybe she doesn't need a girlfriend, maybe she needs a husband, but I was a very bad husband... and now I am a very good spouse, whom happens to really be a girl. I've asked her if she wants Bryan or Katie... Hands down Katie was her answer. She loved Bryan for whom he tried to be and never was, but now trust/love Katie as she was the person Bryan was tring to be. Does that make since, think I wrote that right... Thanks for your input it is appriecated.

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

There are indeed a few pieces of this puzzzle missing that might clarify further what you are getting at.
I know you are going for the gold in being all that you can be, but i think that you are going to pay a hefty price for it based on what you have written so far.
I hope the cost is worth it all.

*hugs of support*

Zara

[badkitty667]

Can I just say there is a faaaaaar stretch of difference between bi-curious and lesbian????

[GACountrygal]

I'm told "I'm losing my husband." What does that excactly me? I don't know really how to say any of this. The only thing that has change in our relationship minus the fact that I lied to her for 11 years about Katie, minus the fact that I am changing to girl, etc. There is a lot to be said I can't write due to you'ld fall asleep. I asked: so you mean losing my penis, is that is what is most important to you. She said no, but did not answer any more. Is Husband only related to penis? What does Husband me to all of you? What changes the statis Quo? What does a wife mean to you? I don't think my answer is the same as my wifes, she is afriad to say? What makes me a good husband as a man and not a good spouse as a girl? If it not my penis than what. I'm here in tears writing so please don't make jokes

Please all write in , especially GG's/SO's

Many of you have great points. She was/is Bi-curious and was with a girl for about 5 min, until she was reminded "boys only", We've been together for 18 years, we both agreed to work through this, she is not ready to leave. We have strong family values and are a close family of 4. Think like a women, yes I can see that and do, but your glass has water and mine has lemonade, I just need a little help somethimes ok. Some of her problem is society and that plays a big part on how she feels, affraid. I am sensitive to her needs, and tried over the last 10 years to tell her, it ain't easy you know. Sex, can't do it, Not required to have good relationship, but she misses it, but has her own problems that I will not discuse here. There is so much I'm not saying here to fill in the blanks, I'm just tring to cover the basics. I've been continplating offing myself since age 14, but can't do it out of guilt. She didn't ask for this, nor did I, we are doing the best we can. Yes maybe she doesn't need a girlfriend, maybe she needs a husband, but I was a very bad husband... and now I am a very good spouse, whom happens to really be a girl. I've asked her if she wants Bryan or Katie... Hands down Katie was her answer. She loved Bryan for whom he tried to be and never was, but now trust/love Katie as she was the person Bryan was tring to be. Does that make since, think I wrote that right... Thanks for your input it is appriecated.

There's less then 24 hours difference between these posts...does anyone else smell something a bit odd here or is it just me?

[sissystephanie]

Your first, and most serious, mistake was not telling her BEFORE you were married. She apparently thought she was marrying a man. Obviously, that was not true completely! But you let that lie linger for how many years? Now you are comtemplating having SRS, if I read your post correctly. If that occurs, she will be married to a woman!! Does SHE really want that? It is fairly obvious you do, but what about her feelings?

You say she prefers Katie! Are your male and female selves so completely different?

I was married for 49+ years to my late wife, and she knew about my CD activites before we were married. I was, first and foremost, her husband. But I was also her best girl friend and every now and then, when she was properly equipped to be the man, her female lover! She loved me in drab and she loved me enfemme. Stepahnie and my male persona were not that different! I am not effeminate, but I am a sensitive and caring person.

Unless you are totally different as Katie, your persona for both entities should be nearly the same. Remember, clothes don't make the person! YOU make the person!!! I do hope everything works out for you and your wife, but I agree with many others that you need to have some long conversations with her about where your life is going!

BTW, when my wife passed away I was so depressed that I did contemplate having SRS and starting life all over as a girl! But then I became acquainted with a darling GGF, who though accepting my CD activities, talked me out of the SRS. I am certainly glad she did, and thank her every chance I get!
Sissy/Stephanie

Girl on the outside, man underneath!

[RobertaFermina]

A Penis does not make a man.

Men lose their penises sometimes, I mean not by choice.

A man carries on in his role, provider, protector, emotional counter-part, playmate, companion seeker.

None of these roles requires a penis.

On the other hand, a man may have a penis, but not carry on with strength, vigor, integrity, generosity and passion that is conventionally identified with the masculine ideal.

The question is, what will you let go of along with the penis, and what does she think you will let go of along with the penis? Have you already let go?

Also, I would not be bored by all the details. There is so much emotional energy, and so many parallel threads of connection and loss in what you write (here and other posts) that I do not understand well enough to respond very clearly.

Is it possible that you do not provide more details because they are hard to face? Facing uncomfortable details is the way out of confusion.

As far as 'offing' yourself. The world is better off to have one more person struggling to make meaning of their life and make peace within themselves and among others. You are important and needed here.



Roberta

[Nicki B]

I've asked her if she wants Bryan or Katie... Hands down Katie was her answer.

Katie, there's logic, then there's emotion? People are not logical, emotion wins every time?

[Ema1234 GG]

The only thing that has change in our relationship minus the fact that I lied to her for 11 years about Katie, minus the fact that I am changing to girl, etc. Please all write in , especially GG's/SO's

Are you actually serious? What do you mean, minus the fact you lied to her for 11 years, minus the fact you are changing into a girl? Are you actually serious in the thought that these are small insignificant things? Have you any idea how huge they can be to your spouse. And saying that it's all about the penis is such a typical male self centered point of view.

There's less then 24 hours difference between these posts...does anyone else smell something a bit odd here or is it just me?

Glad I'm not the only one thinking like that...