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Thread: I dont know what is wrong! (if anything...but)

  1. #1
    Suzie P PameeSue's Avatar
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    I dont know what is wrong! (if anything...but)

    I dont know what is wrong! (if anything)
    Ever since I have been coming to this forum, things have changed.
    Sometimes I say its changed for the better (understanding), and sometimes I think its for the worse.
    Let me try and explain.
    ....a brief history......
    Most of my dressing has been for self gratification....whether I have dressed for 20 mins or 20 hours, I've ended up with sexual release.
    So my association with dressing has always been for sex.
    Since an early age, I have dressed.... starting at birth.
    My mother used to tell me as I was growing up, that I should have been a girl... thats what my parents wanted, and they had a girls name picked out for me. Well, I was born male and my name stayed the same, but with a male spelling.
    I was told that I had been dressed as a girl often during infancy...My older sister used to play 'dressup' with me either with her clothes and or my mothers.
    I found their lingerie drawers and often raided them between 10 and 15 yrs old.
    I started feeling guilt and shame as the teen years started, but I loved the pleasures of soft cloths.

    Later, I had several girlfriends and married very young - 19 ys old...with a 1 yr old son.
    My (then) wife was similar body size, and often worked opposite shifts to me so that we always had a parent at home.
    Well that gave me quite a lot of time to play with her wardrobe.
    I was never caught, but I think that she may have had some inkling.
    When ever 'strange' sex topics came up in conversation or television, she would crawl into a frowning shell and thought that anything other than missionary position hetero-sex, was perverse. We also had very different sex
    drives....on a sliding scale - mine was very high, hers was considerably lower, (specially after the 2 children were born).
    So I kept my dressing secretively secret.
    After our relationship fell apart - (thats another story) not specifically linked to my dressing, but more to do with poor communication between us - I had a lot of 'space' to continue dressing.
    I knew of no others that I could talk to, nor did I want to come out to anyone either.
    I have bought lingerie, skirts, wigs etc, many times over the decades - purged every few months.....YES every few months, but always got drawn back into dressing, when simple masturbation did not 'cut it' anymore.

    I have not needed to work for some time now, and have been spending a lot of time at home totally dressed with makeup and wig 24 hours. I only cover up in outer drab, to grocery-shop etc. then always couldn't wait to get home
    to change back to fem mode.
    I have had several female personnas over the years - different eras, different styles.
    Recently, I wanted to find out more of why I have been dressing over the years, where was it taking me, or more to the point, where I was going with it.
    Could I control it?
    Does it have control over me, if it does, why?
    While researching, I came across this site.
    I was elated with the contribution level and the understanding that is here.
    I have been reading thread after thread....and so many things have fallen into place within my pysche.... (I think)
    I have had so many questions bouncing around my head for so long, but with all the wisdom and experience that comes to this corner, most have been answered without me having to ask. I so gratefully acknowledge all the
    questions and input shared in this forum. I am certain countless thousands have been helped by this site.

    This is the perplexing issue for me.
    As I am feeling more at one with my alter ego (Suzie), I have, very gradually, stopped dressing.
    I havent worn a bra for 2 weeks!
    Sorry girls...but its true.
    My sex drive has also diminished.....that has NEVER happened before.
    I had so many things planned - I had sought out a TG transformation studio, I wanted to get a new wig, breast forms and get a whole new wardobe, preparing to splash out and take her further than ever.....but, it seems that
    I'm now saying to myself....what for?
    I know this has come and gone before....I have read many posts about it too, but I have never experienced the slide like this before.

    Today, I thought that I would test myself.
    I went out in drab, walked into a nail shop and asked for a manicure.
    No nerves, no shakes, no sense of doing girly stuff - guess what ----not the thrill that I expected either!!
    That was the first manicure ever, I should have felt something..
    There were 3 beautiful young ladies working in the salon and 2 gorgeous older women having their nails done too...just didnt matter to me.
    Not a single nerve or extra heart beat.
    This just isnt normal for me!

    I havent felt guilt or shame or the need to purge, to 'get-my-life-in-order', like every other time in the past.
    That part has just slowly diminished too.
    Maybe there are others that have experienced a diminishing need.
    Maybe I have somehow integrated her into my psyche in a way that I have never experienced before.
    I guess time will tell...
    I think that I (and Suzie) have come together a lot over the last few weeks, but as the coming together has taken place, the duality has become a singular 'me'....specially since I have not had to run-n-hide...
    I would love to get my drive back again though.
    I'll have to wait and see. I dont know if I'm happy or sad ....a lot of both...with some confusion thrown in for good measure.
    Sorry for the long post.
    Suzie
    ! 1 day later !
    Just to let you know, I bought quite a lot of makeup yesterday - several lipstick shades, several eye liners, eye shadow kits, various blushes, nail colors, various brushes, skin cleansers and moisturiser, over 150 bucks worth.
    Walked inside the store to the cosmetic counter, found the products I wanted, over to the cash, paid and left. I hardly gave it more than a thought. I wasnt as near as nervous like every other time before....
    I seem to be operating in auto-habit mode, but getting less and less 'thrill', so consequently, (this is how I'm = reasoning it anyway) less guilt too....but I am finding that its less fun too (obviously).
    I think in the past, the more fun I've had in fem mode, the more guilt that I had to put myself through, in order to 'balance out'.
    Now, with (a bit of) a better understanding, through reading on this site, I definately am experiencing these lesser feelings of guilt. I'm also much less concerned about 'what other people are thinking' - I know that part
    is good for me, it means that I can concentrate much more on important things in my life while I go about my business.

    I'm not sure if this post actually has questions that I'm seeking answers, or just that time and further understanding of my 'evolving' psyche is releasing to me.
    I know that we are all unique individuals here that share certain 'dressing' interests, after all, thats the name of the site.....and we are all along our own paths of growth, experience, levels etc, but I was wondering if
    others recognised the intergation process as (or if) they went though it, and could comment / compare with.
    ............or maybe I have been 'overdoing' the dressing lately and simply put, the excitement has waned!
    Suzie
    Last edited by PameeSue; 03-09-2008 at 10:48 AM. Reason: spelling
    [SIZE=3]Suzie[/SIZE]

  2. #2
    Gold Member MJ's Avatar
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    PameeSue
    When ever 'strange' sex topics came up in conversation or television, she would crawl into a frowning shell and thought that anything other than missionary position hetero-sex, was perverse
    hey i was married to her sister until she found out
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  3. #3
    Suzie P PameeSue's Avatar
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    After I had posted this......I looked at the yin and yang symbol in the upper top left corner of this site and wondered why there is that seperate duality within the circle.....and why 'things' are described as feminine and masculine 'qualities.
    Because I was born 'male', why should I only have to exude maleness when I know I have experienced female too. .......
    I think that there should be another symbol expressing the merging of both....(or is there one already).
    Just a thought.....more with tongue in cheek.....
    Suzie P
    [SIZE=3]Suzie[/SIZE]

  4. #4
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    I believe yin and yang are more about balance in the original meaning. How old are you? at 40ish my cross dressing took a big turn, The sexual part is pretty much gone and the other scary part is getting out of hand. We all change over time, some adapt, others like me find ourselves lost in the woods. I have never lost the need to dress, I can only imagine it must come as a shock to have something so much a part of you change so quickly.

  5. #5
    Breakin' social taboos TGMarla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PameeSue
    I looked at the yin and yang symbol in the upper top left corner of this site and wondered why there is that seperate duality within the circle.....
    Note that there is a small circle of each inside the other where each is at its fullest. It is as if we belong firmly inside the realm of the other.

    What you are experiencing is probably just a bit of burn-out. Don't force anything on yourself. What you are going through is normal. Do what makes you happy, and if you don't feel like dressing, then do other more productive things. Take advantage of the break you are giving yourself. The dressing will come back in it's own time, and likely with a vengence.

    I ....have been spending a lot of time at home totally dressed with makeup and wig 24 hours. I only cover up in outer drab, to grocery-shop etc. then always couldn't wait to get home
    to change back to fem mode.
    Behavior like this, while many of us can relate, is probably not good for you, and you need to force yourself to get out more. There are times that this whole thing is obviously controlling you, and not you it. You need to take control of it and not allow it to so totally control you. We are all slaves to it to some extent, but becomming a hermit over it is not healthy.

    And for crying out loud, stop purging! This is obviously not going away, and you'll just spend more money on it later no matter how much you toss into the dumpster. We all think at some point that by throwing out our clothes and accessories, that we're also throwing away the "problem". When we make it so that it's no longer a "problem", and learn to embrace it more, instead of fighting it like hell, we stop purging, save money, and have a whole lot more fun with it.

    We're here for you if you need to talk.

    Any money found in the laundry is MINE!


    "This is no social crisis....this is me having fun!"

    www.flickr.com/photos/tgmarla/

  6. #6
    Senior Member Janet Bern's Avatar
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    the thrill of cd ing

    I have gone through the same feelings all my life except the parents wanting a female. Recently I have become more daring by going out to malls and shops en femme, or en drab, purchasing makeup, dresses, underwear and womans clothes. It is becomming a natural thing with no nerves or fear.
    I too am getting the same feeling occasionally and that is "what am I doing?".
    However we always go back to it from time to time so make sure you dont purge. Just put the stuff in the closet and be a guy for a while until the mood strikes again. Good luck ,,great story. Janet

  7. #7
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    For myself it's all about balance Suzie. I came to realize it had to do with my spirituality as well. I,personally, was tired of flicking the "switch" all of the time and decided I needed to integrate my feelings. What does that mean really? Everything and nothing or literally becoming everything that you are and not being afraid or ashamed of it or the feelings. It has given me greater understanding of myself and others. It means that as Rich, I'm allowed to cry at weddings and sad movies but it also means that as Sal, I could hold my own in a fist fight if necessary and don't have to act "submissive" or take any BS from anyone.

    Like you, I don't get any particular "thrill" out of dressing any more but do it because I like to and it's my choice to do so but I can have just as much fun doing the same things in both modes. The biggest difference to me is always feeling like a whole person, rather than half of one at any given time. It's what works best for me anyway.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  8. #8
    Platinum Member
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    lol now the fun part .... just when you think you believe you just might have a grip on all this and you accept this as who you are ........wham.............poof...in comes a different thought and your looking at this all over again even more so confused than before...........

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