Feeling the waters - finding the true feelings of your children prior to coming out

[Staci K]

Hello Everyone!

I'm a newbie to these boards, as well as a newbie to accepting the fact I enjoy cross-dressing. I have opened up to my wife of 15 years and found unheard of acceptance, encouragement to be myself - whoever that may be; as well as excitement to have a new girlfriend to go shopping with, doing make up, hair, nails, chick flicks, etc.

We have have a 13 year old daughter together and really aren't sure how she'll accept it if it were to become household knowledge.

I think my wife came up with a fantastic idea to 'feel the waters' of our daughter's true feelings. I'd like your feedback of if you think it'll be a good way to obtain non-confrontational opinions & beliefs.

My wife & I both work for the same company. Since it's a very large company covering 4 states we get diversity training from time to time. My wife's idea is to come up with a questionaire to get people's feelings for many situations, ie, bi-sexual, gay, lesbian, transgendered, and racial questions.

In the evening, my wife & I will enter a conversation of this survey we 'received at work' for diversity training. We'll include her into the conversation to get her true feelings before making a decision as to disclose my cross-dressing.

Please give me your feedback of if you think this would be a good way to get a feel for how she feels without letting on anything.

Thanks Everyone,

Nicole

[Talon DeRojo]

Nicole - This sounds like a reasonable and non-threatening way to see how your daughter feels about the subject. Of course, going from the hypothetical (What if someone you worked or went to school with was a CD?) to the reality of Dad being a CD might generate different responses. Thirteen year-olds are often pretty sensitive to gender/sexual topics anyway and might be concerned about what their peers might think. I'm no expert, but that's my thinking right now.
Talon

[Di]

If you are going to be totally out( work, family friends)....this is a good idea.coming out to her this way......BUT if not coming out to everyone my feeling at this age she would be too young and too much on her shoulders.Unfair to ask her to keep this secret and you add the peer pressure they feel at this age.....Just not good.

[Maria2004]

Agreeing with Talon and Di. I have 3 grown son's that all know I'm a CD, but I didn't even tell my youngest until he was well out of Highschool and into college, and the reason I did tell was that I decided I wanted to be completely out and open to friends and family. Although my relationship with my kids remains intact, one of them is going through a messy breakup and his ex is trying to use my CDing to lash out at my son and my wife, which is why my profile is down for the time being.

So, I don't know, think about it.

[MJ]

How about renting a movie with transgendered or cross dressing in the movie . that way you can see hows she feels about it..

note :- i found most people are OK with it ...until it's a family member then it's a different story ..
i wish you well

[RobertaFermina]

The notion I remember is that Teens who have personal instability with gender issues are the most sensitive to "coming out" of their parents.

Perhaps sounding her out for her own sake might be more appropriate.

Consider well what type of reactions from her might prompt you to "remain" closeted around her. You may be tempted to "reveal" after the least sign of acceptance, if you don't define clear criteria for "revelation/closeting" beforehand.

Roberta

[docrobbysherry]

If you are going to be totally out( work, family friends)....this is a good idea.coming out to her this way......BUT if not coming out to everyone my feeling at this age she would be too young and too much on her shoulders.Unfair to ask her to keep this secret and you add the peer pressure they feel at this age.....Just not good.

I have one the same age. But, since I do NOT plan to come out of the closet, I feel she has enough crap to deal with. How could she NOT tell some friend or relative in a weak or personal moment? Then, the toothpaste is out of the tube!
Why would I burden her with my Strange secret? There's NO possibility of her understanding it, or me explaining it properly. I don't want or need her to, "accept" it!

If u plan to come out, that is a dfifferent matter all together! Then , I guess u explain it as best u can!
RS

[Wendy me]

If you are going to be totally out( work, family friends)....this is a good idea.coming out to her this way......BUT if not coming out to everyone my feeling at this age she would be too young and too much on her shoulders.Unfair to ask her to keep this secret and you add the peer pressure they feel at this age.....Just not good.

Di your right .......

[Genifer Teal]

A GG friend of mine in her 30's is totally comfortable with me. She had a hard time accepting it when she found out her father was CD. Some people (maybe girls in particular) have a certain expectation for a father's role in the family. I think this changed things for her in a way she did not like.

This may not relate to your situation. I only mention it as a possible alternate opinion.

Hugs - Genifer

[Staci K]

Thanks for the feedback ladies!

This evening at dinner my wife brought up the topic of the 'diversity training' to start the conversation. Our daughter really surprised me. She says she believes in to each their own - whatever makes you happy. She also stated that she has many friends at school that are openly gay & bi-sexual. The part that I had to keep my jaw from hitting the floor, is that she really likes the boys that are a little fem (wears eyeliner, mascara, lip gloss). She said that she loves them cause she can talk with them and feels comfortable telling them anything.

She openly said that 'her table' at lunch and her friends are the loners that don't really fit in with any of the cliques'. They're open and honest and are accepting of her flaws and in turn she's accepting of what makes them happy.

I haven't decided yet if I want her to know. On one hand, it could be beneficial for our relationship (we haven't had the best relationship). Opening up could be good to build our trust in each other.

There have been times that Dad has played with her and let her do my nails - no other fem just dad spending time with her. She really had fun and it did open up doors.

My wife may be taking a business trip out of state next month; maybe since it's just gonna be dad and her, spending time letting her loose with the make up would be some ways to bond with her.

We'll just have to wait and see; I don't even know where this is going yet. Thanks again for all the input; I have plenty of views to factor in.

Nicole

[Oddlee]

The notion I remember is that Teens who have personal instability with gender issues are the most sensitive to "coming out" of their parents.

Perhaps sounding her out for her own sake might be more appropriate.

Consider well what type of reactions from her might prompt you to "remain" closeted around her. You may be tempted to "reveal" after the least sign of acceptance, if you don't define clear criteria for "revelation/closeting" beforehand.

Roberta

I think Roberta makes a couple excellent points. Most important, decide beforehand what reaction she had to your discussion of diversity would make you think it ok to reveal yourself.

My daughter is 18 and off to college. I told her about my dressing around Christmas time, after she told me about helping a (male) friend get a corset and bra and dress for Halloween. Her reaction: it's just clothes...

She had a much stronger reaction when I shaved off my mustache a couple years back - still asks me to grow it back - so I was concerned about the issue of "it's one thing for a stranger, quite another when it's your father." So, once when she came home I was in a skirt and sweater (no wig or breastforms) and she basically ignored it. She still introduces me to her college friends as her "cool" parent. But I don't think I would have told her under any circumstance when she was 13 - or maybe only if she walked in on me dressed...

Lee

[Seville]

...it's a very large company covering 4 states ...My wife's idea is to come up with a questionaire to get people's feelings for many situations, ie, bi-sexual, gay, lesbian, transgendered, and racial questions.

Nicole

Get Legal's opinion FIRST...You DO NOT want to run afoul
of any state's law...

[Myojine]

the other way around, how do i tell my parents...i am moved out and away from them...do i need to tell them?

[Staci K]

Well, since my last post I had spent much time with my daughter growing closer. Allowed her to do my make-up, and my wife coaxed me into getting into her jeans skirt during this bonding (she didn't have to coax too much - I think I appeared a little to eager).

Anyways, we had a great evening giving each other makeovers. My daughter & I built a level of trust that she even confessed to doing some things that as parents we don't necessarily approve of - but it's in the past and we're just thankful to be at a level that she knows she can come to us.

As the evening went futher, feeling very comfortable with how things were going, our conversation steered towards her wondering how I'd look in heels. A little while later I excuse myself to use the restroom and decided to come out. I went back and slipped into my favorite skirt, and a pair of 2" heels.

Upon my re-entrance, I was greeted with my daughter saying, "B***h; you got better looking legs than I do. Not to mention I love your skirt and definately want to borrow it."

With that my secret was out; my daughter thought it was a very cool side of me and today the three of us are going shopping... Damn life is good!

~Nicole~

[KandisTX]

Nicole,

I came out to my daughter (now 12 years old) about three years ago when she was 9. It was a tough decision to make but well worth it because she was beginning to question more and more what I was wearing under my t-shirt. She, like yours, has been very much accepting of me and our relationship is great now. She and I can talk about anything and she knows that I understand her. I'm glad your situation turned out the way it did..

Kandis

[slamddoger]

i would say wate tail she is older. it would be too much for her to handle

[harmony]

children often are more perceptive than we might think.when i came out to my 2 sons many years ago it was no news to them.
now one of them is totally ok with it the other one does not like that side of me although we are still close.

[Genifer Teal]

My daughter is 18 and off to college. I told her about my dressing around Christmas time, after she told me about helping a (male) friend get a corset and bra and dress for Halloween. Her reaction: it's just clothes...
Lee

That is how my last GF felt. If she accepts the clothes, you might want to leav it at that. Be careful expalining too much of the feeling like a girl part. She may not get it. It could be much harder for her to accept the feeling girly part.

my daughter thought it was a very cool side of me and today the three of us are going shopping... Damn life is good!
~Nicole~

Glad it worked out for you!


Gen

[DeeInGeorgia]

Nicole,

If you create a pretend questionaire, could you post a copy of it or send me a copy of it? I could use a copy, and it could also be a part of a possible Southern Comfort Conference seminar discussion.

Thanks,

Dee

[Suzy Harrison]

I feel if you tell your children at such an early age - you will be lifting your burden - but will be heaping it on them instead. Young ones have enough to contend with at that age without giving them something else to worry about.

[suspender]

I agree with suzy on this one. Let kids be kids. The complexities of life will be on them soon enough as they become adults. Once they have the coping mechanisms in place it may the time to tell them.

[Jilmac]

Nicole, I have had diversity training through my previous employer and although I have accepted people of different backgrounds since childhood, that training helped me see that we are all just people regardless of our lifestyles, beliefs, or social mores. The diversity survey is a great idea and including your daughter in discussions sounds like an ice breaker as well. Perhaps the results of your survey could be incorperated into new diversity training workbooks, There are still a lot of people who can't seem to grasp the concept of diversity among humans. I hope your daughter is as understanding and accepting as your wife. Luv and Jill