Advice for going out!..

[Deborah Jane]

Ok i need to ask this as stupid as it sounds!!
What is the secret to going out?
I keep getting myself ready to go out for my first time but just can,t manage to leave the house. I plan what i,m going to wear so that i don,t attract unwanted attention, i spend ages getting my makeup "just so". I,ve been practising how i walk and developing feminine mannerisms and i spend ages trying to convince myself i look ok.
I plan where i,m going to go and how i should react if people look at me.
Even a walk around the block seems impossible to manage, i just get to my front door and "freeze"!!
I,m sorry to have to ask this as i feel really stupid about it, but i really want to try going out!!
Plenty of others manage it, why can,t i?
I even tried a bit of "dutch courage", but by the time i was confident enough i could barely walk!!
Should i just accept i,ll never manage it and just give up!!

[Shelly67]

I,m in the same boat - please help !

[yms]

When I first started going out, I tried some good advice a friend gave me.

If I was going to go shopping, lets say, I'd stop to use an ATM first (after the bank was closed!) and maybe get gas at a pay-at-the-pump station.

These minor things got me used to being out of the car in ways that didn't require I get too close to people or interact with them. Then I'd park a reasonable distance from the store entrance so I had to walk a ways before getting to the door. Again, to get me used to being out of the car.

By the time I had to be around people and interact with them, I was much more acclimated to the idea of being out.

But in the end, it came down to whether or not I could accept the fact that people were going to read me and could I live with that. It wasn't until I accepted the fact that to them, I was a man wearing womens clothing, that I learned to relax and go about my business.

And then I realized that it was about self-acceptance, and not at all what other people thought of me.

Go for it. You will, in time, be so glad you did.

I have some other musing on the subject of stepping out here on my web site:

http://www.yvonnesplace.net/passing/passing.htm

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

I dont think there is an easy way to do it other than to take small steps. Maybe go out at night for a walk around the block (provided its a safe neighborhood). I think that once you actually get out there and find how really liberating it feels... you will never look back.

Once you DO take those steps, be sure to come back here and tell us how it felt

*go for it.

*hugs*

Zara

[Annie D]

We are all afraid of being made but you must overcome your fears and get outside. Many of the ladies who post here are alot braver than I am but I am making progress and so will you. But you have to make the trip, even if it is to go out to get a loaf of bread.

In the past 4 weeks, I have been out in daylight, twilight and after the sun goes down and each time I have gone on an errand, I have refused to wear a wig, I have gone wearing female attire and just my regular slightly long male hair style (no ponytail, not long enough yet). I have worn mainly capris and tight fitting, low cut tops, hoops, lipstick and sandals. I have gone, to Walmart, nail salons, massage therapy, and this morning gone to get donuts. None of my destinations were highly populated when I went but I got the courage to go out the door and not care about what I am wearing.

YOU ARE THE SAME PERSON WHATEVER YOU ARE WEARING! YOU CAN DO IT!

[deja true]

I'm not going out either, but I have a schedule to work to, and, come hell or high water, I'll eventually do it.

My fear is safety but mostly a hugely paranoid fear of being laughed at. So, I think the answer is to let someone, beg someone, to help you. Find a supremely confident girl in your area, find her here on the site!. In the UK, since distances are so short, that shouldn't be as difficult as for N. Americans who live so far apart.

Invite her to come see you and give you a serious and truthful apparaisal of your style. With her help, I think you can make that leap!

The other alternative is to pay someone to help you. Pandora's and the Boudoir in the UK both seem to be the best dressing services I have ever seen in all my years of trolling the net looking at and admiring girls of our kind. If I was in the UK, even if I lived at the farthest tip of Scotland, I'd have been at one of those two places in an instant after i'd seen them on line.

UK girls seem to have so much easier and better access to help than us over here. I'm surprised you're not all out there having fun!

My best wishes to you both and hope you can get out soon. We've wasted too much time being scared and depressed! Let's go, girls!

(anticipatory) respect & love (for all with the cojones to make the big leap)

deja

[Belfast Bill]

As a guy who loves you girls, going out successfully depends on a number of factors, some of which you have control over, and some you don't.
If you are already pretty tall, and wear high heels, then people are going to look twice at this sexy amazon. Of course there are tall girls, but they get extra attention, because they are so tall
If the style of your clothes suggests a hooker, then people are going to look twice. How good your make-up is, how you walk, your mannerisms are important.
I have met girls at a tv group whose make was amazing, clothes beautiful, but whose walk etc was so manly, it was a complete and instant give away.
One of the best things is confidence, but if some of these other factors are wrong then people will take a second, third and fourth look and you get spotted.

[deja true]

Bill, a lot of us just don't care about 'being spotted". We just wanna go out and be accepted. oh, and have fun...

[Suzy Harrison]

I don't think any of us who go out in public found it anything less than nerve wracking at first. It is very hard, but the rewards make it worth the trouble believe me.

The best start is to post your photo on this site and ask for advice. Next, as others have said, just take small steps. Get yourself in a position where you're just passing someone in the street here and there. Your confidence will take time to build.

What ever you do don't have a few drinks before hand as that is not helpful.

The secret for going out in public is this site. Without it I wouldn't be out at all. There are plenty of girls on this site who inspired me - namely Dita, Joann07 and TxKimberley, without them I'd still be all dolled up.... sitting at home behind closed curtains.

So stay on this site and all you need to know and do, will come to you from here.

Suzy

[Deborah Jane]

I,ve got photos on here..My most recent are "Blond or Auburn" posted this week in the gallery. I guess i,m afraid to ask for honesty as i know myself i don,t really pass

[annekathleen]

First time that I ever ventured out was after dark, which is obviously easier during the winter months. just being in my vehicle, driving around, dressed as a woman, was so exciting and stimulating. My vehicle has dark tinted windows, so you really can't see me that well, I was fulled dressed, complete with a wig, breastforms, stockings, slip, high heels,
Summer time just seems a little more difficult, or maybe I get a little less braver?

[deja true]

Passing's not really the issue if we start with co-conspirators. Passing can be worked up to. That's my agenda! We need the confidence boosting of sympathetic friends and admirers who know us as people first. And face to face seems best to me. Then we can start to deal with strangers.

Look Debs, you've been here for over 2,000 posts and you're still inside! Some of us cowards need that one on one push. I know I do!

I'm thinking that a lonely walk around the block or a drive in the car don't really count if we never make contact with another human, even if it's only just to smile or wave.

[tiffanythecd2001]

Hi; I went for my first time to a crossdress meet last sat, but i had long day at work, was tired, so there was my my mistake number 1, i won't post a pic, cause without the right makeup on and stuff,i'ts was bad so give yourself plenty time, i should'a took the day off, make sure clothe's's are right, i wasn't even nervs or anything, all the sister's there made me feel right at home and the owner of the group said we could give me a face makeover,and other said with the right wig and clothes and makeup, i be hard to tell from a women, i told her to go ahead, next we sat down to eat chillee and stuff and bascaly just talked about gen stuff, like a bunch of sister's at a overnight stay, yes it true they will read you, and i do the same thing too, too learn more, my new freind say's to me , you are worst critic, so if i can get out of the deep closet, anyboby can , i'm the biggest scardee cat there is, just do it, you wont regret, biggest thing for me , i got out, i had ton of fun, and made new freinds, i'm planning a trip to the Mall of America now,if i pass there you can pass anywere,Tiffany

[Dayna]

Deborah, when I saw your thread title I decided I was going to give you a list of things to do, to 'prep' before going out, but it looks like you have done them all. The only thing I would add to the list is a safe, friendly destination (that, or take a buddy with you).

It's like jumping in the pool on a chilly day... it may take a while to hit the water, but once you do you won't want to get out.

Take as much time as you need to; confidence will get you where you want to go.

PS: Go to the 'Out and About' section, then read and re-read the Tips on Safety.

[Suzy Harrison]

I,ve got photos on here..My most recent are "Blond or Auburn" posted this week in the gallery. I guess i,m afraid to ask for honesty as i know myself i don,t really pass

I've just looked at the photos and they are fine. You look a lot better than you think you do. So don't worry.

Suzy

[Deborah Jane]

I've just looked at the photos and they are fine. You look a lot better than you think you do. So don't worry.

Suzy

Aww Thanks Suzy You are so kind, the trouble is i can still see "him" when i look at them!!

[Emily Ann Brown]

The secret is NERVE, ATTITUDE, MOXIE, GUTS......

....good way to build some of those is to put on hose and a pair of black flats, then finish dressing as a male, leaving off the socks. Go out after dark and just play around (oh, take your man shoes with you in case you have a panic attack). You will quickly see how nobody cares if you are a bit oddly dressed. Then try it in daylight. Then, after you have some nerve built up, try dressing casual and going to a gas station late in the evening. Plan your "outting" so you know which pump will get you the farthest from the cashiers and how you will exit if you have a panic attack....and leave the car door open so you can get in quick.....it's amazing how if you feel you have an excape all planned you don't worry as much. After a couple of those you are ready for a stroll in a quiet park in daylight.

Emily Ann

[Deborah Jane]

Wow!! So much good advice allready..Thank you
I just feel i need to do this now as i,m feeling stuck indoors and need to go further with finding out where this leads for me.
I know theres more to this than just dressing up and i need to know what.

[Suzy Harrison]

Aww Thanks Suzy You are so kind, the trouble is i can still see "him" when i look at them!!

That's perfectly normal - Honestly I can see 'the him' in all of my photos, but I bet you can't - as you don't know what the 'him' looks like.

It's the same for the rest of us when we see your photos, we can't see 'the him' that you can see.

[Di]

Everyone is giving you great advice. I want to add this...................After you decide what you are going to do...mall, just a walk...whatever it is act it all out in your head. how you will walk....how you will be confident and so on. Then when you go for it....if you get nervous....be an actress do exactly as thought out a head of time. DO NOT look around DO NOT keep your head down..this will call attention to you. Act like you belong ( and YOU DO belong) act confident and enjoy.

[Kate Simmons]

Other than the obvious that others have touched on, the real "secret" for me is just being myself.

[Nicki B]

Start by not walking around your own block - drive to somewhere you're anonymous? Start small - get used to walking, moving, being yourself before you start interacting with people?

Or go out with other people (I've already given you a few ideas of where)?

[Gemma Rhodes]

Deborah, I can understand why you can't seem to get out and about. I have been out shopping to pub, clubs etc but although my first time out was nearly 3 years ago I have still not been out in my home town. I don't think anyone would recognise me as even my own brother never the first time he met Gemma but I still can't bring myself to go out locally.

I have been out many times many times dressed but always away from my home town. My debut was a fantastic feeling and it still feels great when I am out and about dressed but as Ive said every time I have been out it has been where nobody would recognise me.

It was just something I had to do and i'm really pleased I did. Everywhere I've been I've had no stares or abuse at all. Maybe you have friends who live away who know about Deborah and you could visit them and go to a pub or go shopping. I promise you though being out and about en-femme is very addictive. Just be warned that when you do finally make it out you will want to do it again and again.

Take care,

Gemma

xx

[tamarav]

[SIZE="3"]My apologies up front if I step on any toes or make this post too long but it has to come out. I don't want to sound as if I know it all but I want all of you that really want to go out to grab your bouncy parts and do it!

I did the exact things you are doing for years, had self-doubts, went to the car and ran back into the house, ventured to the mailbox, on and on. I wasted huge amounts of my life with my own insecurities.

Then I had a CD friend that had been going out come over and wait while I got ready. She almost physically dragged me into the car and drove to a nice quiet mall in an outlying area. She said that we would establish a plan and know exactly where we were going in and where we were coming out. We would not stop at any shop, just go in one door and out another, then back to the car and speed away like rats.

We followed the plan, got back in the car totally breathless and made it home without incident. I sat in my living room waiting for the hordes of people to come to the door telling me that they had seen me in a dress go out in public. It never happened.

I wasted years of my life being afraid to go out and when I finally did, no bells rang, no alarms went off and no one really gave a rats ass that I had gone out. What? Was I so plain that no one cared, was I so beautiful that every one else was intimidated? What was going on?

At the same time in my male life I was counselling employees, couples and groups on their behavior! When I finally realized the dichotomy of this whole scene I realized just how self-defeating I was.

I was the only thing holding me back from having a great time going out. No one else, just me. My own self doubt kept me locked in my seclusion and was making me more and more depressed.

After joining CD and similar groups and getting out to meetings and group occasions, I realized just how much fun I could have and that I could live through the process. I survived 2 tours in vietnam, 2 gunshots and numerous injuries due to shrapnel and I was afraid to walk outside because of what other people might think of me. What a waste of time!!!

Somehow I thought my way through and started going places with experienced CDs that took me by the hand and led me like a little child gets led. As time went on and I was the experienced CD I took one or two newbies on outings with the agreement that if any one of us was uncomfortable we would all leave. This included walking in malls, going into clubs, wherever we went. After the first few times of the most intimidated member of the group calling a halt to the evening and all of us leaving only to sit down and discuss the feelings and fears that we all realized just how weak we were.

We were letting other people control our lives, we simply turned over the keys to our happiness to strangers that could just look at us funny and send us into a tailspin of self doubt. Biggest waste to time in my life.

Time went on and I got more bold and gained more self control. Today I work dressed in the public (albeit a somewhat safe environment, a beauty salon) but nevertheless I now go anywhere and have a built-in excuse if I run into someone who "reads" me. Funny thing is, now all I get are comments about them being intimidated, that they are pissed that I look better than they do or that their husbands took a real interest in me. (I am not trying to sound like I am the most beautiful thing out there, it just seems that the amount of work you put into your appearance shows clearly and if the viewer put less time in they feel intimidated, nothing more) (although I feel "hot" most of the time!)

I went over the top and finally understand the inherent "pecking order" that women establish with every single woman they encounter. They immediately do a "threat assessment" and establish in their mind where they sit in relationship to the new female entering their territory. They either feel above the new one or intimidated by some aspect of her appearance (because at this point it is all appearances, they have not even spoken to the new female)

Women are their own worst critics, we have to take the back seat on this whole "game". We are so naive about the game we don't even know we are playing.

Now don't go and put on your best vinyl outfit and 6 inch heels and take off! Learn how to walk and not attract unwanted attention, take modelling classes and gain poise. Put an effort into fitting into a situation or looking and acting better than the typical woman out there.

My experiences with women now make me laugh at my former sessions sitting in a car outside a mall for four hours until the mall closed and "oh well, they closed before I was ready". Humans are so insecure. Every woman I have met has some insecurities, we have more than even the most insecure woman. We as individuals are our own worst critics, our own worst enemy. We defeat ourselves.

Ask for help. It may take the form of approaching a single woman while out in the world and simply asking if they think your skirt goes with this top, or admiring their shoes, or something to show that you are not a threat to their "self established" order in the pecking order. You would be amazed how accepting people are when they feel they can help you.

I have had women ask me to join their group in clubs. I was intimidated by being with real women until I just asked why they asked me to join them. The responses varied from "because you were by yourself and no one needs to be here alone" to "because you are the cutest woman in the room and we would get more attention if you were with us".

The power you give yourself once you understand the game that goes on in the real world is astounding. Stand up tall, look people in the eye, smile. It is completely dis-arming. You are now the top bitch in the pecking order (not my term but heard from more than one woman) and need to show that you have the self confidence to pull off this charade and feel comfortable.

Once I fully understood this game I went over the top. I now put more effort into my appearance than anyone I work with, than 99% of the people I meet, and get placed at the top of the list on their pecking order. As an example, I got a call from a rival wig shop in my same city. The guy had never met me and was asking what lines we sold and how much we charged. We were clearly not in his exclusive league (he sold really expensive wigs with very custom work in them)

The next day on my way to work, I stopped into his salon. I walked through the door and all conversation in the shop stopped, dead. I strutted into the room in my 5 inch heels, dressed better than anyone in this red-neck city, wearing the best looking hair for miles. I introduced myself to Donald, the owner of the salon and he looked me straight in the eyes and said "You bitch!!". He is the gayest guy you ever want to meet and works on some of the most gorgeous babes around, but I stopped everything with my audacity. After I quit shaking, and had met everyone in his salon, and was welcomed with open arms, each stylist told me how intimidated they felt when I came in. And we are talking about some really good looking women!

I have come full circle on this pecking order game. Not quit as far as I had anticipated but there nevertheless. So I am accepting the role and making it even more outstanding.

Stand up, be proud of what you do, use restraint until you can pull it off. fit in before you try to outdo the rest of the crowd.

The pictures below were me at work yesterday February 29, 2008.[/SIZE]

[Deborah Jane]

So much help and inspiration..Thank you!!
Tonight i,m going to try again and this time i,m determined to succeed!!
If i don,t succeed tonight i,ll try again tomorrow and keep trying until i finally manage it.
I will go out i promise..I need this for myself!!