I dont know what is wrong! (if anything...but)

[PameeSue]

I dont know what is wrong! (if anything)
Ever since I have been coming to this forum, things have changed.
Sometimes I say its changed for the better (understanding), and sometimes I think its for the worse.
Let me try and explain.
....a brief history......
Most of my dressing has been for self gratification....whether I have dressed for 20 mins or 20 hours, I've ended up with sexual release.
So my association with dressing has always been for sex.
Since an early age, I have dressed.... starting at birth.
My mother used to tell me as I was growing up, that I should have been a girl... thats what my parents wanted, and they had a girls name picked out for me. Well, I was born male and my name stayed the same, but with a male spelling.
I was told that I had been dressed as a girl often during infancy...My older sister used to play 'dressup' with me either with her clothes and or my mothers.
I found their lingerie drawers and often raided them between 10 and 15 yrs old.
I started feeling guilt and shame as the teen years started, but I loved the pleasures of soft cloths.

Later, I had several girlfriends and married very young - 19 ys old...with a 1 yr old son.
My (then) wife was similar body size, and often worked opposite shifts to me so that we always had a parent at home.
Well that gave me quite a lot of time to play with her wardrobe.
I was never caught, but I think that she may have had some inkling.
When ever 'strange' sex topics came up in conversation or television, she would crawl into a frowning shell and thought that anything other than missionary position hetero-sex, was perverse. We also had very different sex
drives....on a sliding scale - mine was very high, hers was considerably lower, (specially after the 2 children were born).
So I kept my dressing secretively secret.
After our relationship fell apart - (thats another story) not specifically linked to my dressing, but more to do with poor communication between us - I had a lot of 'space' to continue dressing.
I knew of no others that I could talk to, nor did I want to come out to anyone either.
I have bought lingerie, skirts, wigs etc, many times over the decades - purged every few months.....YES every few months, but always got drawn back into dressing, when simple masturbation did not 'cut it' anymore.

I have not needed to work for some time now, and have been spending a lot of time at home totally dressed with makeup and wig 24 hours. I only cover up in outer drab, to grocery-shop etc. then always couldn't wait to get home
to change back to fem mode.
I have had several female personnas over the years - different eras, different styles.
Recently, I wanted to find out more of why I have been dressing over the years, where was it taking me, or more to the point, where I was going with it.
Could I control it?
Does it have control over me, if it does, why?
While researching, I came across this site.
I was elated with the contribution level and the understanding that is here.
I have been reading thread after thread....and so many things have fallen into place within my pysche.... (I think)
I have had so many questions bouncing around my head for so long, but with all the wisdom and experience that comes to this corner, most have been answered without me having to ask. I so gratefully acknowledge all the
questions and input shared in this forum. I am certain countless thousands have been helped by this site.

This is the perplexing issue for me.
As I am feeling more at one with my alter ego (Suzie), I have, very gradually, stopped dressing.
I havent worn a bra for 2 weeks!
Sorry girls...but its true.
My sex drive has also diminished.....that has NEVER happened before.
I had so many things planned - I had sought out a TG transformation studio, I wanted to get a new wig, breast forms and get a whole new wardobe, preparing to splash out and take her further than ever.....but, it seems that
I'm now saying to myself....what for?
I know this has come and gone before....I have read many posts about it too, but I have never experienced the slide like this before.

Today, I thought that I would test myself.
I went out in drab, walked into a nail shop and asked for a manicure.
No nerves, no shakes, no sense of doing girly stuff - guess what ----not the thrill that I expected either!!
That was the first manicure ever, I should have felt something..
There were 3 beautiful young ladies working in the salon and 2 gorgeous older women having their nails done too...just didnt matter to me.
Not a single nerve or extra heart beat.
This just isnt normal for me!

I havent felt guilt or shame or the need to purge, to 'get-my-life-in-order', like every other time in the past.
That part has just slowly diminished too.
Maybe there are others that have experienced a diminishing need.
Maybe I have somehow integrated her into my psyche in a way that I have never experienced before.
I guess time will tell...
I think that I (and Suzie) have come together a lot over the last few weeks, but as the coming together has taken place, the duality has become a singular 'me'....specially since I have not had to run-n-hide...
I would love to get my drive back again though.
I'll have to wait and see. I dont know if I'm happy or sad ....a lot of both...with some confusion thrown in for good measure.
Sorry for the long post.
Suzie
! 1 day later !
Just to let you know, I bought quite a lot of makeup yesterday - several lipstick shades, several eye liners, eye shadow kits, various blushes, nail colors, various brushes, skin cleansers and moisturiser, over 150 bucks worth.
Walked inside the store to the cosmetic counter, found the products I wanted, over to the cash, paid and left. I hardly gave it more than a thought. I wasnt as near as nervous like every other time before....
I seem to be operating in auto-habit mode, but getting less and less 'thrill', so consequently, (this is how I'm = reasoning it anyway) less guilt too....but I am finding that its less fun too (obviously).
I think in the past, the more fun I've had in fem mode, the more guilt that I had to put myself through, in order to 'balance out'.
Now, with (a bit of) a better understanding, through reading on this site, I definately am experiencing these lesser feelings of guilt. I'm also much less concerned about 'what other people are thinking' - I know that part
is good for me, it means that I can concentrate much more on important things in my life while I go about my business.

I'm not sure if this post actually has questions that I'm seeking answers, or just that time and further understanding of my 'evolving' psyche is releasing to me.
I know that we are all unique individuals here that share certain 'dressing' interests, after all, thats the name of the site.....and we are all along our own paths of growth, experience, levels etc, but I was wondering if
others recognised the intergation process as (or if) they went though it, and could comment / compare with.
............or maybe I have been 'overdoing' the dressing lately and simply put, the excitement has waned!
Suzie