Told the babe

[Maria2004]

I have been married for almost 25 years and at this point I would rather be single than hide this from my wife much longer. The hiding / the dishonesty is beginning to take a toll on me.

Yes, that's where I was 4 years ago, I was miserable and my wife couldn't understand why I was becoming such an insufferable *******. My last child was finally in college so I resigned myself to ending 20 years of marriage and made living arrangements back in Florida. When I outed myself, kaboom, as expected but I told her she didn't have to worry about I was leaving anyway, at least now you know.

I was surprised when she came to me later and wanted to talk and be "completely honest!" and I'm like OMG woman you don't know how Much I want to be honest about this. After the first 2 expected question were out of the way she wanted to know "why"? all I could tell her was I had no friggin' clue what so ever. I told her about Tri-Ess and we got on the phone and spoke with one of the outreach people, and went to meetings which was a tremendous help for her.

Today, though she isn't "accepting" she's gives me all the support and respect I could ever want, I have a lot of freedom to express myself, but she still has her boundries that I honor.

Keep it honest Shiny with her and yourself. Things didn't work out for me because I was lucky, it was because I was "loved"

[DemonicDaughter]

Let me just say, congrats for being honest with yourself and your SO. It is often difficult to confess anything to the person we care for when we are uncertain of how they will react. I commend you.

And its obvious from some posts on this thread that it can lead to bitterness on both sides of the relationship.

And I'm HIGHLY insulted that ANYONE would even CONSIDER making the statement that CDers are not "real men"!!! [SIZE="3"]My SO IS a real man, man enough to tell me the truth, man enough to be who he really is and man enough to look DAMN FINE in a skirt!!![/SIZE]

[Di]

Best wishes to you both....just wanted to add from my POV.....tell her the truth from here on out. Any questions...give her the truth. From most the S.O.'s that I know personally...that found out yrs into a marraige....it was the lies that they had a hard time getting over.Of course there are some that can't get their head around it .....but I think it is for the most part it is feeling betrayed. Remind her you are the same person that she loves nothing has changed and that you are sorry you did not share the complete you with her...but you were scared.

[Emily Ann Brown]

As one of the "broken marriages" around here I can't stay quiet.



Yep, a WHOLE LOT of broken marriages in this group, and most of them wouldn't have been married (so they could get divorced ) if they had been truthful before starting the marriage. Honesty is the best policy. How many of us would be thrilled to discover our wives had all our marriage attended weekly lunchtime poker games dressed as burly men with mustaches and spent a bunch of the household budget on gambling losses???? I'll shut my yap here before I explode worse than our brave sister's wife.

Hun, you did the right thing for you, and for her probably. She is still with you so now go slow and let her realize what she has at her pace. Don't expect overnight miracles of healing....see the future from a longer perspective than tomorrow. I for one am praying for you.


Emily Ann

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

With all due respect, this is fine for you. But I think you are the exception to the rule. I stand by what I said. This board is littered with broken relationships and divorces, due to CDing, and unaccepting SOs.

I am sorry, but this is just plain BS..

The thing that killed these relationships were probably NOT because of the dressing, but the LYING. The deceit...
That is what kills the relationship. The break down in trust.
The betrayal GG's and SO's feel when the "truth" comes out waaaaay too late.
5-10-15-25 years with someone and all of a sudden they get "your truth" dumped in their lap and realize... They don't even know who you really are. Who they have shared a bed with all these years.
Some have even called it "fraud" and though I understand the reasons some CD/TG/TS lie, but those SO's have a valid point also..
How can they know you if you have hidden so much of yourselves form them, for so long?

I am sorry, but we SO's should not have to take the responsibility for your lies or lack of courage.

[MJ]

I am sorry, but this is just plain BS..

The thing that killed these relationships were probably NOT because of the dressing, but the LYING. The deceit...
That is what kills the relationship. The break down in trust.
The betrayal GG's and SO's feel when the "truth" comes out waaaaay too late.
5-10-15-25 years with someone and all of a sudden they get "your truth" dumped in their lap and realize... They don't even know who you really are. Who they have shared a bed with all these years.
Some have even called it "fraud" and though I understand the reasons some CD/TG/TS lie, but those SO's have a valid point also..
How can they know you if you have hidden so much of yourselves form them, for so long?

I am sorry, but we SO's should not have to take the responsibility for your lies or lack of courage.

As yet another one of the "broken marriages" from around here :-
TrueGemini'sWife ,
tells it the way it is . yes i loved my wife with all my heart but my fear and thinking that i can handle or stop this cding stop me from being honest and truthful with her . after she found out **Kaboom** 21 years of marriage over .
For her it was 21 years of living a lie .. is it any wonder the ones we love lose it !!..
and still some Members would say LIE ,LIE LIE, i have learned a heart breaking lesion , be the man and tell her the total truth Don't lie . LOVE should be build on honesty and truthfulness if it is going to last .. boy did i learn my lesion .
come clean with your "babe" be honest save yourself ..or pay the ultimate price .. don't lie

[Tamara Croft]

With all due respect, this is fine for you. But I think you are the exception to the rule. I stand by what I said. This board is littered with broken relationships and divorces, due to CDing, and unaccepting SOs.

With all due respect? Do you have any idea how many GG's are on this board and how many of them are 100% accepting, even looked for a CD partner specifically? No? Obviously not, or you wouldn't make such stupid sweeping statements like this. There are over 150 GG's on this board, so stating one GG is the exception to the rule is

Some days, it's easier just to ignore stupid comments like this, other days, it's just as easy to and let you know just what I think of it!!!



Shiny, you did the right thing, my advice, keep communication open, don't force too much down her throat in one go, but most of all, DON'T LIE! Tell her the truth, because you've started telling her now, if you leave stuff out and she finds out, trust me, it will cause more harm than good.

Oh, one more thing, take no notice of Melinda G, she has no clue what she's talking about...

[Tree GG]

....I didn't lay it all on her at once though, passed it off like a coward like a couple parties or Halloween deals. You know? But, she stuck with me!!!!! Thinks it's weird but so far, she's hanging in, doesn't like it but she's still there! I just hate pulling her into this, I love her so and now she knows the real me! ...

This drives me nucking futs! You white-washed it...you lied by omission....you were not completely truthful. Do you really intend to only dress at Halloween & costume parties? DO NOT start this process by feeding her as little and diluted a story as you think you can. You are just creating a smoldering volcano.

I applaud you efforts, and think you should tell your wife. But please don't tell her it's just for fun.....when it's going to be much more than that.

[tracigirl_tv]

TrueGemini'sWife , tells it the way it is . yes i loved my wife with all my heart but my fear and thinking that i can handle or stop this cding stop me from being honest and truthful with her . after she found out **Kaboom** 21 years of marriage over .
For her it was 21 years of living a lie .. is it any wonder the ones we love lose it !!.......<snip>... boy did i learn my lesion .
come clean with your "babe" be honest save yourself ..or pay the ultimate price .. don't lie

Shiny, in the long run you will not regret being honest now, regardless of the consequences. Like several in this thread, I hid my CDing for years of marriage. With the inevitable revelation came the almost-inevitable breakup. New relationship, new policy: honesty upfront.

Wishing you and your SO happiness and understanding of each other....

Traci

[Melinda G]

With all due respect? Do you have any idea how many GG's are on this board and how many of them are 100% accepting, even looked for a CD partner specifically? No? Obviously not, or you wouldn't make such stupid sweeping statements like this. There are over 150 GG's on this board, so stating one GG is the exception to the rule is

Some days, it's easier just to ignore stupid comments like this, other days, it's just as easy to and let you know just what I think of it!!!



Shiny, you did the right thing, my advice, keep communication open, don't force too much down her throat in one go, but most of all, DON'T LIE! Tell her the truth, because you've started telling her now, if you leave stuff out and she finds out, trust me, it will cause more harm than good.

Oh, one more thing, take no notice of Melinda G, she has no clue what she's talking about...
__________________

OK girls. Where are the hundreds of posters, who have posted in here, that they were asked to move out, after they came out. Where are all the girls who posted heart wrenching posts about their divorces, after they came out. It's strangely quiet from the other side. Cat got yer tongues?

[racquel]

Now that you have been honest(great),now is the time to listen and show her some of the feminine qualities you possess.Do the dishes,laundry,cleaning,cooking.Show her you ache to assume these feminine roles as it satisfies your inner feminity.Most women do not mind sharing this aspect of homelife.

[DemonicDaughter]

OK girls. Where are the hundreds of posters, who have posted in here, that they were asked to move out, after they came out. Where are all the girls who posted heart wrenching posts about their divorces, after they came out. It's strangely quiet from the other side. Cat got yer tongues?

Maybe because many understand that it had to do a lot more with the lying than the CDing. Or maybe there were other problems involved and the CDing was the final straw to a long list of limitations reached. I haven't seen anyone post where they said their relationship was perfect, they came out and POOF! The relationship was over!

But to make such a broad statement is why anyone is getting upset. Its one thing to offer your personal point of view, but when you state things as if its true for all... well that's just asking to be flamed.

[Shelly Preston]

Well, since you asked for advice, here it is. Do not make a big deal out of it. Just tell her you were curious about it, and wanted to try it. Don't tell her you've been doing it for years and it's a big part of your life! Make like it was just normal curiosity, and no big deal. Most women don't understand what we do, and don't know how to cope with it.

well Shiny's wife wont get the chance following your advice
Most CD's Cant tell you why they dress so how can a wife understand the reason

They see it as some kind of competition, they don't know how to compete with. And many people still think it is a gay thing, no matter how much you may protest to the contrary. Don't show her this site, and try to "educate" her. Just let the whole thing pass!

If you dont educate how the *** is she supposed to understand

Ignore the posters in here who say their SOs are OK with it! No offense to them. But they are few and far between. This board is littered with broken marriages and relationships, because some of us feel the need to "come out" to their SOs, or family, and are soon sorry for it. Most women want a real man, and crossdressing detracts from that image, no matter how you spin it.

We are not asking most women
Shiny's concern is her wife not everyone else

Melinda Most of us here have lied at sometime or another
but we realised just how destructive that can be



There is a famous quote

Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics

If you follow the first two you will become another unfortunate Statistic

[valhalla]

I think that you did the right thing by telling your wife about your cding. If you follow the advice of Melinda you relationship is guaranteed to be hollow. That empty relationship may work for a while. But eventually it will fall apart because you’ll grow apart. I’m glad that my DH gave us a chance to have a truly close relationship. I’ve had some experience with empty relationships and I’ve realized that I can’t ever do that again. I just not built that way. I want a deep love. I sick of living on candy I want something that will feed my soul.

[Amy Hepker]

She will stay until she finds out what it is all about, then it can go either way.

[Genifer Teal]

[SIZE="2"]I have not ever seen my husband's crossdressing as . . . anything that detracts from the man that he is.
[/SIZE]

You are making a seemingly innocent statement. Be careful. What he thinks matters more than what you think. I can't begine to guess his situation and how he feels about dressing. He may like detracting from the man he is - sometimes.

This statement, if directed at me would be bothersome. My last GF made a similar remark which made it very clear she saw this as nothing more than a fashion statement. Great for not minding it one bit. It showed how little she understood me. She had not idea how how much more this means to me. To hear my GF say I wasn't girly was the worst put down I could imagine. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Gen

[Melinda G]

At the risk of beating a dead horse here, we are only hearing from the GGs who are somewhat accepting, and are in here to find out more about it, or support an SO. We are not hearing from the overwhelming majority of GGs, who want no part of it, aren't accepting, and are planning or are already divorced.
Anyone who has been in here a few years, knows that for every wife or SO who is accepting, a dozen are not!
And I doubt there is a GG in here, that isn't keeping a few secrets of her own.

[DemonicDaughter]

At the risk of beating a dead horse here, we are only hearing from the GGs who are somewhat accepting, and are in here to find out more about it, or support an SO. We are not hearing from the overwhelming majority of GGs, who want no part of it, aren't accepting, and are planning or are already divorced.
Anyone who has been in here a few years, knows that for every wife or SO who is accepting, a dozen are not!
And I doubt there is a GG in here, that isn't keeping a few secrets of her own.

Aren't you the gloomy gus! Geez! You'd think you'd be happy to have so many of us supporting CDing! But no! You want to hear the pain and heartache to echo your own instead of having sharing in any joy or triumph! Well... as they say, every party has a pooper...

[docrobbysherry]

I learned a lot from EVERYONE posting here. I think the best thing for me, is NOT to mention CDing to my Russian GF this summer. I won't be doing any CDing there anyway.

On the other hand, I WILL mention CDing if I decided to invite her to visit me over here!

[Miss Petra]

With all due respect, this is fine for you. But I think you are the exception to the rule. I stand by what I said. This board is littered with broken relationships and divorces, due to CDing, and unaccepting SOs.

I respectfully disagree with your above statement. Rarely does a relationship end just cuz of cding. Yes it may be the final straw but usually not the only reason of a relationship failing. What I have seen over the two years in this forum is the CD's tendency to be self-centered and a feeling of entitlement and not being considerate of the other partners feelings seems to be the main issue here and not the fact we wear dresses.

And outright lying to anyone you care about shows them you have no respect for them when the lie finally surfaces there is hell to pay. The exception is staying in the closet for the benefit of the family Is a very noble and very unselfish act.

Hugz,

Miss Petra

[Tamara Croft]

At the risk of beating a dead horse here.

Yes you are, why can't drop it already?

we are only hearing from the GGs who are somewhat accepting, and are in here to find out more about it, or support an SO.

Somewhat accepting? what? are you kidding me? Shows how much YOU know about the GG's who have posted in this thread so far

We are not hearing from the overwhelming majority of GGs, who want no part of it, aren't accepting, and are planning or are already divorced.

Maybe they don't want to reply to your waffle, or maybe you're just wrong again eh?

Anyone who has been in here a few years, knows that for every wife or SO who is accepting, a dozen are not!
And I doubt there is a GG in here, that isn't keeping a few secrets of her own.

I've been here 4 years, so you're saying that 12-1 GG's here aren't accepting? Wow.. you know us all so well don't you eh? NOT...

You're not hearing from many GG's, because the majority won't post out here their feelings, for fear of being blasted. It has bugger all to do with whether they are accepting or not, so why don't you, be quiet for a change and get your facts straight, instead of coming up with dumb odds that make no bloody sense

[secretlypsycho]

[SIZE="2"]

At the risk of beating a dead horse here, we are only hearing from the GGs who are somewhat accepting, and are in here to find out more about it, or support an SO. We are not hearing from the overwhelming majority of GGs, who want no part of it, aren't accepting, and are planning or are already divorced.
Anyone who has been in here a few years, knows that for every wife or SO who is accepting, a dozen are not!

damn right that horse is well & truly dead - let it go already.... and it's not only SOs in here disagreeing with your opinion, it's pretty much everybody - does that tell you nothing?

I have been a member of various SO forums over the 9 years or so I've known about this, and there was one common recurring theme - every SO was there to learn what she could and figure out if/how she could accept this in her life. For those whose marriages DIDN'T last, and who did divorce, it was almost NEVER purely because of crossdressing, in fact I don't think I can recall a single one. Every time, it's the lies, the deceit, the extreme selfishness, narcissism, disregard for the SO's thoughts or feelings or a lack of attention to the family unit - OTHER behaviours, sure they're exhibited through crossdressing, but they are NOT crossdressing itself.

And I doubt there is a GG in here, that isn't keeping a few secrets of her own.

And you base this on what? I have NO secrets from my husband, not one - and I don't for a second believe that I am the only one.[/SIZE]

[Jodianne]

At the risk of beating a dead horse here, we are only hearing from the GGs who are somewhat accepting, and are in here to find out more about it, or support an SO. We are not hearing from the overwhelming majority of GGs, who want no part of it, aren't accepting, and are planning or are already divorced.
Anyone who has been in here a few years, knows that for every wife or SO who is accepting, a dozen are not!
And I doubt there is a GG in here, that isn't keeping a few secrets of her own.

Oh Melinda. I can only assume you've had a disastrously painful experience in telling someone you love about your CDing. There really is no other reason I can think of for you to continue with this tirade. Can anyone really be happy with such a negative attitude to such a big part of their life?

And by the way, I am no exception to the rule - most of the other GGs who have replied to this thread are so far ahead of me on the acceptance scale so there's just another example of jumping to quick assumptions about us GG's. Give us a go. We are not all tarred with the same brush!!!!

[Glenda]

Stop it already. Kudos to all of the GG's who have posted. Almost without exception you are stating your feelings well. Melinda........some don't agree with your viewpoint. Don't be offended. They have that right.

Shiny,

Acceptance and tolerance is not something that always comes immediately. You plant a seed.......you watch it grow. Sometimes it dies. Sometimes it flourishes. But it doesn't happen immediately. If you are a good, loving and caring person, it doesn't matter how you're dressed. If you want an open, honest and respectful relationship then you have to tell. If you want to hide then you're looking for opportunity, not acceptance.

If you disagree, that's OK. It's just my opinion.

[Sandra]

At the risk of beating a dead horse here, we are only hearing from the GGs who are somewhat accepting,and are in here to find out more about it, or support an SO.

What, you seriously need to read some more of the posts by us GG's. So I'm somewhat accepting am I, well I would say I'm just a little more than that, my SO dresses 24/7 I think that shows am a little more than somewhat accepting.

We are not hearing from the overwhelming majority of GGs, who want no part of it, aren't accepting, and are planning or are already divorced.

And you know do you that those who are planning, divorced, or going through one are doing it all because of the cding? Cding isn't always the factor why a marriage breaks up most times there is something else as well, but it seems that you can't see that and have to blame the GG because she is having a difficult time accepting.

Many of the GGs don't post in this or any threads in the main forum, because as soon as they start to disagree with whats been said or they voice an opinion they get blasted.

Anyone who has been in here a few years, knows that for every wife or SO who is accepting, a dozen are not!

So you've know all about the SO's here, I've never heard such utter crap.

And I doubt there is a GG in here, that isn't keeping a few secrets of her own.

Well this GG isn't like you keeping secrets, my SO knows all about me. I suggest you stop tarring everyone with the same brush.


You know Melinda I pity any GG who becomes close to you because she'll just be told lie after lie.