Could You Ever Have Imagined...

[melissacd]

In a couple of more days I will be 50 years old. As I attended the 50th birthday parties of other members of my and my ex's family I wondered what it would be like on my 50th birthday, what sort of celebration I would be having, who would attend, what silly gifts they would bring and so on...

Well never in a million years did I ever imagine that in fact I would have split up with my wife over cross dressing, that I would have moved out on my own, that my old social circle would have been completely gone and that on my 50th birthday I would be driving around the US on my own on a quest to figure out who I am.

It is funny how life can take these really odd turns and take you to places that you never expected.

[Angela Burke]

Yes it is funny where life takes you.
I hope you're happy, and a very happy 50th when it comes.

[DAVIDA]

Yes, the power of anticipation.
I had always been looking forward to my 50th.
Having a party and all. Didn't do squat! It was a big disappointment.

[Kate Simmons]

You are still a "youngin" to me Melissa. Hard to believe what a difference 11 years makes. When I was your age I was still in the "closet" struggling with all of this and didn't officially "come out" until I was 53. Never in my life did I believe I would live it, resolve it and come full circle. You just never know how things will work out. Happy Birthday my friend.

[flacindycd]

Turning 50 isnt so bad hon. I too am worried about coming out to my wife ...I fear the same result would happen, its a very scary thought. I wish you well and hope you find the end of the rainbow hon. Huggs

[Emily Ann Brown]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS !!!!!


Benn there done that to it all (as you are aware). Thank goodness we can't see the future, we would try to stay in the past.


Emily Ann

[docrobbysherry]

You are still a "youngin" to me Melissa. Hard to believe what a difference 11 years makes. When I was your age I was still in the "closet" struggling with all of this and didn't officially "come out" until I was 53. Never in my life did I believe I would live it, resolve it and come full circle. You just never know how things will work out. Happy Birthday my friend.

My fiftieth was a huge "surprise" party thrown for me by my now, ex-wife.
I had not yet ever tried on an item of ladies clothes!

Since that event; I have had a child, gotten divorced, traveled to Europe and Russia, (for a couple of dates), and taken up a new hobby, (CDing).

So, u see dear, u have lots of time for much of your life to develope yet!

I hope your 60th will give u some wonderful memories to look back on!

[RobertaFermina]

Better to be on the road, when it is YOUR path !

I had a helluva 40th Birthday, and would hope for a good 50th (in 3 months). I know the empty feeling of showing up for others' parties, and spending some of my birthdays in overwhelm or isolation or a fog. It sucked.

Whatever happens this year, the best present I could get, I already have: The Present = A life built upon the truth of who I am - struggles with things that matter - A good woman who loves the real me.

May you remain on your path, and find your Bliss and your Present there !

Roberta

[Stargirl]

Sixty is the new 30, so you are in your 20's. Never mind the dictates of flesh, and gravity. What do they know ? Don't we all look forward to 60. 71. 83. 94. 116. Imagine the outfits ! No stopping the DNA advancement. Think Positive.

[pamela_a]

Melissa, Happy 50th birthday. Having recently survived it myself it's not so bad. Growing older may be mandatory, but growing up is not.

I'm saddened to hear about what has happened to you and wish you well on your quest. For some reason when I read your post I was reminded of poem I learned many years ago in school that was written by Robert Frost:

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


You, like many of us, have taken that road less traveled. May you find peace and happiness on it.

[DemonicDaughter]

There are times on everyone's life when you just sit down and think, "Wow... my hasn't life changed?" Oddly... I love those times most.

[bEEb]

I am continually harangued about living in the past. It'll never be as good as it once was.

[PheonaP]

Wherever your travels may lead you Melissa may you find enlightenment and happiness in abundance.
May your 50th be filled with joy.

[Joanne Davis]

Happy 50th Mellisa. My 50th was last year and you know, I too still drive around trying to figure out just who I am. I think its just a sign of age...
All the best on your special day.......

[Amy Hepker]

Well, Happy Birthday, when is it mine is Saturday youngon, I will be 52, I know what you mean I never thought I would be trying to find my true self at 52, trying to be the me the me that is inside.

I am sorry to hear that you are on your own, to me that is scary, I never want to be alone.

[Angie G]

Yes it is Melissa Hope you find what your looking for hun
Angie

[debbeelee1]

Hi Melissa! Turning 50 should be relatively painless! I'm working on the big 55! Get yourself something special and pamper yourself to no end on that special day!

[serinalynn]

MY best wishes for your 50th B-day " Isn't it nifty to be Fifty" . I past the big 5-0 almost 9 years ago.

[gennee]

[SIZE="4"]I'll be sixty in August. When I was fifty I had no idea that I would be doing what I'm doing now. Came to crossdressing three years ago at age 56. Better late than never, I say. Happy 50th Birthday!

Gennee[/SIZE]

[Bravesoul]

Enjoy, where ever you are.. I am getting close, but not there yet.

[jessielee]

dear Melissa,
happy 50th tomorrow, though bittersweet it is.
i am so sorry to read of how your life was turned over.
and yet, we are here, where i never imagined i would be, to find so many loving sisters in the joy of learning we are not alone.
i pray you can find supportive or like-minded people to share your milestone with tomorrow.
i love to be on the road, being fairly melancholic, funny for a butterfly to say that, but tomorrow i hope you don't brood. your journey has brought you to a place of graciousness and beauty.
may your special day be full of the lovliness and peace we liberate here
as we awaken a bit more day by day.
happy birthday dear,
i send you a warm hug,
jessie

[melissacd]

The day has arrived and I do not feel a day over 49

I want to thank all of you for your well wishes. It did not hurt a bit when the clock ticked over at midnight

I am writing this from a motel in Jackson Mississippi. It has been a whirlwind trip.

It was amazing last night while driving through Louisiana under the light of what looked like a full moon looking at the trees on the side of the road cast their eerie shadow, seeing the light reflected off bayous and rivers and then in one magical moment I saw a couple of deer standing in the darkness by the roadside. It was very beautiful.

While this is not the birthday I imagined so many years back, there is a wonderful simplicity to it that I am enjoying. This trip that I am on was not meant to be a vacation, but rather more of a vision quest. Being lost in America was meant to be a disturbance my universe to shake me out of my work and personal life burn out and provide me some new perspective. It has been a very humbling experience. It has helped me to start to get outside of my head and see things in a new way. It has taken until this point for me to start to feel relaxed, however, it has given me a great deal of opportunity to think about life. There is an odd irony to my birthday falling on the Easter week-end this year, that symbol of death and rebirth.

I know that a simple trip like this is not a silver bullet, it is not a magic fix, it is a discontinuity that will help in the process of my own re-birth, my new life, my new independence , the recognition that I can redefine new goals and objectives. The sadness before was in the loss of all that I thought was going to happen. That sadness is day by day being replaced with a new joy and optimism about a new future that will allow me to find the real joy and happiness that I was unable to find before.

The best present that I can receive on this milestone birthday is to appreciate the past, look forward to the future and most importantly enjoy the "present", appreciate and be in the now always.

Thank you all and have a great day, I know I will

Huggs
Melissa


P.S. It was a great day and I managed to make it to the northern part of Tenessee. Girl it is cold outside now Maybe I should head back south again

[melissacd]

One of the things that I find on this journey that I am now on is that while I now have the freedom to dress as and do as I please that there has been so much crap that has built up over these past 50 years over the denial of this side of me and there has been so much havoc created by all of this denial and not learning to be true to who I am a long time ago that I get into these deep dark funks.

I am in one of those right now. I am back at my home in Canada and I am slowly slipping into a very depressive state, I suppose that that is normal for what I am going through. I just imagine though that had I been true to myself a long time ago, had I been honest and up front about my cross dressing with all of my potential partners a long time ago, could my life have been radically more positive than it has been in the first 50 years.

Last night, in the quiet of the evening, I felt so alone, so emotionally distraught and wondered what it is that keeps me going from day to day. While I was travelling in the states it was easy, being on the move distracted me from my troubles, but now I am back here, back in the thick of it all, reminded of the failure that is my life (or so it seems that way to me at this moment).

I was lying in bed this morning, looking up at the ceiling and feeling nothing. That was quite scary, it was not that I felt sad at that moment, it was a feeling of nothing, like I did not exist. I was numb, no emotion positive or negative, just nothing, as if I did not exist.

I can see that there is so much more to process here and that I have a long way to go before I get out of the woods and feel that I am in fact once again living some sort of life. Right now it feels like nothingness. I realize that this is the way that I feel at his moment and I am sure that I will snap out of this in a while, but when you touch those moments when it seems like nothing matters and non-existence seems like an option - I struggle with this.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense. I question if I should even be posting these fleeting thoughts.

Melissa

[JoAnnDallas]

Both my 50th and 60th birthday was "Happy birthday darling" from my wife and then that evening we went out to dinner. We don't make a big fuss over birthdays unless it is the granddaughter.

[Kate Simmons]

I know the feeling my friend. Been there, done that. I was getting tired of the "game" per se and a few years ago when I collapsed at the club and had my near death experience, I wanted to go home. I was told at that time, however, I had more work to do. That "work" seems to be what I am doing now and what I realized is that it's never just about me and I really have no right to assume I can make the cutoff.

It really does not matter if I believe in that kind of stuff or not. What happened is that something that is intrinsic within me told me that it ain't over until the "fat lady" sings and whether I wanted to or not, I had to drag my carcass up and get on with it. Throwing in the towel is not an option, especially for people like us and even now, every time I try to do that something gives me a kick and says:"ent--wrong get your a** going."

The point is, it's one reason we are here, to see what we can do with what we have and how we respond to that. We really have more power and moxie than we may believe and this is proven to me every day. I may not be Spider-Man but I can walk up walls, I may not be Superman(or Supergirl) but I am invulnerable, I may not be Wonder Woman but I do have an invisible plane and a magic lasso. All of this stuff is basically at my disposal as resources, I just have to recognize that and utilize it in a way that is befitting as they are tools used to accomplish the goal. The bottom line is that we are who we are for a reason, never doubt that for a moment and are under obligation, not only to ourself but to others to become the best person we can possibly be. It's not always a piece of cake by any stretech, the difference, however, is knowing we gave it our best shot, regardless of the outcome.

This is a necessary place to be for awhile so you can be objective. Believe me when I say from this point on, you are truely master or mistress of your own destiny my friend and the reins are in your hands from now on.