Fear

[Marvina Martian]

Like many others on here and out in the big wide world that we live in, I too used to fear of loosing my "manly image" and the respect that I thought that I had taken so long to earn in most others eyes. This is why I, as most others do, had hidden my dirty little secret away from everyone else except my lovely wife, with whom I share most every thing with.
Well after coming to this site and learning more about CD'ing, starting to go out and finally getting my wife involved I have come to the realization that in the grand scheme of things it really boils down to that most of this fear is self generated and usually unfounded.
Sure, some people will naturally change their views about you, and having recently lived through this I know, it really is no big deal!
As an example, Sheena told her family about me. I was cool with it and all and when we came for a visit in Feb they were actually nicer to me than they had been in years! After they left word got back to us that her sister and husband were surprised that there was nothing different about me. They were like, "they seemed normal to me" and were over it totally.
Well, of course nothing was different as I am still the same person I have always been.
I think that as long as you are the same person as you have always been it shows people that learn your little secret that there is nothing to fear from you and to treat you as you have always been treated.

So to put it as one once said,
There is nothing to fear but fear it's self" (at least in my world )

[Karen Johnson]

For as long as I can remember CDers have been singled out for criticism. For example, if you're trying to say something insulting about someone, "he probably wears ladies underwear" will always work.

When you come out of the closet you are so vulnerable. You are immediately open for criticism and possibly osctracism. It doesn't help that the are reasons for cd'ing are misunderstood and for the most part a mystery to ourselves and others .

My wife has known about my cd'ing for over ten years. She is for the most part okay with it, but there are still times when she's a little put off by it.

[Shelly67]

A VERY GOOD THREAD .
Yes - I agree , I for one am so scared of the look on my families faces were I to come out totally . I don,t really care what people think of me , but to hurt them , well , I hate hurting people . its that deception thing again , isnt it ?
It,s strange , but there is only one person who needs to know of Michelle at present . My partner . The person I live , sleep and directly share my life with . But , if I were to be discovered in some way by my family , then I,d certainly have to deal with it . My stomach is in knots at this thought .
The most horrible part of it all is that my families ( when girls of our sort have been seen on television , magazines ect ) is so negative , I find it horrifying.
Indeed it is a fear .On both behalfs.

My life , do I need a stiff drink after contemplating this thread .

This is by far the best thread I,ve read in a long time .

[Rachaelb64]

I've told those who I want to tell, and they have accepted me. Anyone asks me about my cding I'll not deny it.

Fear of people finding out I am a crossdresser has rule my life for too long, I'm controlling my fear and fighting back.

Those who accept me, I will be grateful for their friendship.
Those who reject me, I do not need.

[amber 07]

A question for Bre Rue. You mentioned your SO telling her family and the subsequent visit. Were you dressed "en femme" at that time, or in drab? I hope thats not too personal. Thanks for your time. Amber

[Vicky_Scot]

Sounds alot like my wife. She says those kinds of things everytime she's angry, which is pretty much any time she's awake.

Does not sound ideal Kelly.

Maybe she see you as a threat because you certainly look great.

Xx Vicky xX

[Dave3]

Is it fear of being "changed" in their eyes something that holds you back?

A very valid quesiton DD!

I dont tell my friends about it because Im afraid it would change their perception of me and my hopeful-profession.

...

YES. Whilst I am reasonably "thick skinned", with limited concern for the opinion of others, I don't quite live on my own mountain-top totally without human interaction. Do I care what a casual passerby might think about me? Not in the slightest! Unfortunately, I do - ultimately - have to care what others think in so far as their opinions DO impact upon me!

I guess it falls to the question of "LABELLING". Sadly, this might at times be to our detriment. When being considered for a promotion by your employer, it is the perception / opinions of others that can carry significance. You might be "the guy that developed & implemented XYZ", or the tranny, poof, fat, alcoholic, black, grey, goofy.... (insert "label" here)

In so far as the perceptions of others influence their behaviour towards me, *IF* their behaviour towards me carries any significance - then I should be concerned with how I am perceived. Why be the "odd one out" in a Foxhole if you don't have to be?

[DemonicDaughter]

Like many others on here and out in the big wide world that we live in, I too used to fear of loosing my "manly image" and the respect that I thought that I had taken so long to earn in most others eyes...

I love that you state it as "manly" image for that, I would think, would be a concern for CDers as well as cause for great anguish. With having to portray yourself so different from what you want to be would in fact, be quite a scary thing to lose.

For as long as I can remember CDers have been singled out for criticism...

There is scarcely a group in existence that hasn't experienced some form of discrimination. Including those that didn't dress in accordance to the fashions of the times. But most statements like that are generally more an attack on one's "manhood" than really one's attire.

It isn't a general viewpoint of society I'm looking for here. Its the personal connection. See I post things like this because I get an idea about something and wonder how common it is amongst our little family here. I post not to get generalized views but to allow someone to share a thought or two of their own experience and have another say, "hey! I feel the same way!" I believe in opening the lines of communications as much as possible.

I'm not picking on your post in the least. I enjoyed it and thought it had merit. I just hope you share a more intimate experience.

A VERY GOOD THREAD .
Yes - I agree , I for one am so scared of the look on my families faces were I to come out totally ...but there is only one person who needs to know of Michelle at present . My partner ...The most horrible part of it all is that my families ( when girls of our sort have been seen on television , magazines ect ) is so negative...

Thank you.

I agree with your post thoroughly! The fact that your partner is a primary individual to know this secret is a big key factor in relating to everyone else. Its difficult enough to live a life in secret but to have no support system is gut wrenching! I believe that those that live with CDers (partners, not always children) should know.

And sadly, you are right. Most CDers are portrayed very differently than they are in real life. But movies do that for just about every group. I think that's why I encourage a positive and active promotion of CDing. I think it can be brought to mainstream in the same manner as being gay/bi has been! It may not be accepted now, but it can be. Just as being a person of color wasn't accepted, just as being gay/bi wasn't accepted, just as a woman wanting rights wasn't accepted, we CAN make ourselves heard and we CAN make this a far more accepted thing.

It just takes time and a LOT of courage.

[Bethany38]

Demonic,

Yes this is a very big part of why my wife and I keep this our secret for now. At some point I would like to come out to more people, but for now I shall not let many family or friends in on my CD side.

[Badwolf]

I have to say great question as well and also a resounding yes that seems to happen a lot in this thread.

Drag queens are the only ones that seem to have an attitude of "I dont care who knows" but personally I have been rejected by a few people I've told. In particular the first person to find out was my Mom who caught me with some clothes I had hidden including her own. She tried to focus only on the fact that most of it was borrowed clothes when she forced me to purge, but the lack of understanding in her questions made it very hard to be too open about it since I dont want to frighten her any more than I already have. Just as it is recommendable for us CD's to take "baby steps" I think I understood early on that outing myself would best be done in "baby steps" since I really do love the relationships I have already formed and wouldnt want this to be the deciding factor in ending or complicating them.

[Badwolf]

I also will say I have never denied it. I'm proud of who I am but it isnt all of me and considering the concept is still so grey in peoples minds I don't like most people to judge me based on something like this considering I still don't view it as the most important part of my life.

On the other hand I cant deny it is a long standing concern of mine and as such is an important point of discussion for me to tell anyone I feel close to. I feel that until they know this and a few other parts of my life...they dont completely know me.

[Kayla Shadows]

I,too,also agree that there is a level of fear in coming out to someone.Having someone very special and thinking about...how much they think of you and then watching as its totally destroyed.It can be heartbreaking and depending who it is,their reaction can be absolutely devestating.This alone keeps many people in the closet as you can imagine

[darla_g]

Unlike most people here in most likelihood i have a different situation. I began my crossdressing (after a long dormancy from teen years) literally right in front of my wife after we decided to go to a Halloween party. (i have a post here describing it) Well the party was a blast and Darla was born right in front of her. So she knew how i felt and what my needs were.

We had quite a bit of couple fun until my kids came along. She requested and I agreed that i would not dress in front of my kids (they're both teens now) I feel this way for a variety of reasons and feel this is the best decision for myself, my wife and my kids. On another board i have been having some ongoing conversations with the daughter of a CD. She found out about her father at 14, and finally saw him dressed at 16 so it was real interesting hearing it directly from someone who would be in an identical situation to my daughter. / So in the discussions with her I have been giving thought as to how this will eventually be done and under what conditions. My fear to tie this ramble back to the question is that will go poorly with my daughter. Dont know how yet?

The end result of all of this is I rarely can get dressed with her around now a days because my kids are always around. and for me right now that is the most important thing because they are not going to be around forever. It strikes the best balance. and the flip side is that it really allows me to concentrate on techniques like makeup. Before it was like when are you coming out of the bathroom?? i want to see you! I would Throw on some lingerie and thats almost about it! of course thats fun too!

[Shelly67]

I hope this will bring a little light on why I feel so fearful of this full on subject .
When it comes across , ie questioning my dressing it really hits home . My femals side that is . Shortly after coming out to my wife , of course there were arguments , confusion , and so many questions - its to be expected . Looking back I felt as tho the questions hurt me the most . Selfish , I know , I realised we had to clear the air to move on . It was something I had to take like a man . And deal with it . Now , I,m a guy - but a very sensative one . At times far more sensative than for my own good . But when my male side is called in attention ( no pun intended ) I certainly rise to the occassion.

I think apart from the pain and shock of my nearest and dearest finding out about Michelle , l really dont think I could tackle being asked all those questions again .Not from my parents . Yes I know I should stand tall and deal with it , if it were to happen , but the thought horrifies me to the bone . They are very kind , wonderful people and the fear I,d hurt them , feels me with dread and guilt . It has on reflection even drove me at some points in the past to " grow up you silly boy " and throw all of my female garments out . Then a few days later buy more .I am really defensive , and feel very protective about my female persona. But also scared sh*tless.
Thats what I fear the most , trying to explain myself to someone who cares for me deeply , would I shatter theyre consideration , respect , and love for me ? Would I dissapoint them . Theyre all questions arent they , arising from disbelief and inquisiveness. I don,t think in all my life reading any threads ( on so many subjects over the years ) have I ever pondered so deeply over a subject .

Or been so fearful.

Wouldnt it be wonderful , to be able to be what you please , in confidence and not fearful of scorn or even worse a beating in whatever path you decide to take in this life ? Or rebuked or ridiculed and laughed at .
I have realised , for people like us it is a burden to bear - crossdressing.
In some parts of the world it still carriys the death sentance - it is considered unholy . In Iran the answear is gender reasignment . No question.
Bloody hell , now I,m getting heavy .

To end my two pennies worth on this wonderful thread , I,d like to ask a question : Why in this day and age are we controlled by fear ? For example , pick up a newspaper anywhere on the globe and its content is fear . Media coverage - fear . Common life - fear .
Is,nt that what we,ve become - FEARFUL ??



END OF SERMONN.

[Brynna M]

There is a distinction in my mind. Between carring what people think and carring about how it effects them and me.

There are a group of people that I do care what they think of me and weather they worry about my not being "normal." I don't care if they don't think of me a certain way, but I do care if this couses them grief or worry or discomfort.

Then there are others that I don't really care what they think about me but I do care that if they think poorly of me it will effect some of the things I enjoy. The people I train with in martial arts; there are a few that if they found out would almost certainly react negatively. We're not close so no loss in friendship but if they won't train with me then I can't really enjoy that part of my life. Work is a similar situation. If people found out and it created difficulties in working with some of them, that would be a problem.

I don't really care about they image that people hold of me. It's the results of whatever image they do have of me that I ultimately care about.

B.

[PatriciaT]

The answer is a resounding YES. If I told any of my relatives or friends, I would almost certainly lose their resepct. Even with those whose respect I would not lose, they would no longer be able to see my male aspect as it has been and still is. They would certainly have trouble with understanding a person with two aspects and accepting the female one. I would become some kind of hybrid. Revealing my CD would cause far more problems than it would solve. I would have to go though a great deal of readjustment in my relationships but even worse force the people I reveal this to to do the same.
It's not only a question of getting up the courage to overcome my fear but one of forcing myself to put a heavy burden on these people, causing them considerable grief. For a married person, revealing his CD inclination may be unavoidable, but for someone who is single, it may unnecessarily cause damage to his reputation and needlssly burden others. In other words, in some cases it might be just downright selfish.

[melissacd]

When I first started with this forum I was very fearful of discovery. Perhaps that was because I still saw this as an abomination within myself, a sickness, something to get rid of.

As I learned more and grew in my acceptance of myself I reached a point where I was comfortable to post pictures of myself dressed up and later pictures of me in male mode.

With each step in this journey the opinions of others matter less and less, I am who I am.

Coming out to members of my family has been a very uplifting journey so far because they have all accepted it quite well. The irony is that the one person who I hoped would love me enough to accept it, didn't - my ex wife of 25 years. My cross dressing made me appear as a lesser person to her and in the end it ended the relationship.

The fears of significant consequences of disclosure are in fact very real and we have to be prepared to pay a huge price for being true to ourselves and those around us. Sometimes it works out okay and sometimes not.

The alternative for me was a life of anger and repression and a lot of emotional crap that is now just starting to come out as I start a new life without my ex.

I see no other choice than being true to ourselves and ultimately true to the outside world. If you lose their respect then you must move on.

[Genifer Teal]

My 16 yr old is the type who wants to "beat up" the "emos" at school. (emos - here are the guys who dress in womens low riser jeans and grow their hair long etc.)


Tara

Have you ever talked to him about his actions? I would have a hard time not explaining to him how wrong he is and how we should let each other be as they wish. I am not sure if I would have come out to him . I would certainly be dissapointed if I let my son grow up to be so unaccepting of others differences. Maybe coming out to him would teach him a much needed life lesson. Just because a person looks a certain way doesn't make them a bag person.

Gen

[deja true]

"Is,nt that what we,ve become - FEARFUL ??"

It isn't that we've become fearful, Michelle. We've always been afraid, haven't we?

But many of us are figuring out how to deal with our fear.

There's bad fear, the kind that cripples us inside, paralyses us into inaction and shrinks our souls to the point of irrational paranoia.

There's good fear, too. We become cautious and go out of our way not to hurt those we love. We guard the respect that we have from others, not only to maintain our own positions, but also because that respect is reflected on others, our families especially. Discretion is a good fear, that makes us more sensitive to the feelings and motivations of our friends and acquaintances. We know who we can trust, who will still respect us and who will not. Good judgement and sensibility preserves our own self-respect and that of our loved ones.

Losing the respect of those we love and respect makes us respect ourselves even less. That's exactly what we do not need.

This life is fearful, indeed, but a little fear is good, if it's the right kind.

respect & love (for the discreet and sensitive),

deja

[TGMarla]

Yes. How could it not be a big part of the reason. It's the fear of the consequences of others knowing this little tidbit about us. Take my brother, for instance...my twin brother. (Non-identical, btw) He's real into the whole macho thing, and sort of drags me along with it. My relationship with him is very special, in spite of the fact that he flings testosterone everywhere. I do not know what the ramifications of his finding out about my CDing would be, but I am quite sure that there would be lasting and permanent damage to our relationship because of it. I would not and do not want to have that happen.

To a lesser extent, that's the same way I feel about my relationships with almost everyone. It's not from the way I feel about it, it's the misconceptions that nearly all others have about it that causes the problem. If the rest of our society felt the same way we do about this, there would be no problems with it. But most of us do not feel that we are strong enough, individually, to change these perceptions all on our own. And I, for one, do not want to deal with the wreckage to my personal relationships that would ensue were all this to come out to the forefront to everyone I know.

Perhaps this makes me a coward in some regards. I would rather duck the whole issue and pretend to others that I am just like everyone else. And since it's easier to do that, rather than fight the good fight on this, I choose to put up a false front instead risk the loss of esteem, respect, and friendship of many or most of the people I know and love.

Kinda sucks, doesn't it?

[JoAnnDallas]

Right before Easter, wife, I, son, daught-in-law, and granddaughter were driving home from a function we all went to. On the way home my wife ( why she did this I have no idea), informs my daughter-in-law that I shave my legs, get pedicures,manicures, and have my toes polished bright Red. I keep my cool even if I am thinking OMG. I can feel the old fear rising in me and the old thoughts, "OK, Wonder how she is going to react to this". LOL Anyway we get back to our house and it's like nothing was said, nothing, nada.... So either the daughter-in-law is cool or doesn't really care. Later I asked my wife why she told her and wife said that it is getting summer time and soon or later she or granddaughter will see my legs and possibly my toes. At least now I don't have to be fearful of them accidently seeing my toes. LOL

[docrobbysherry]

A couple years after we separated, my ex wife came out that she was gay. She immediately lost friendships with the families of our daughter's friends. Soon after, she lost every remaining friend she had. Her family shut her out for years afterward. Only now r they beginning to talk with her!

She felt needed to come out because of her close girlfriend of the time. She wished to bring her along with her to social occasions.

Unless I had some overwhelming need to have Sherry attend social functions, ( which I don't), I don't want or need that kind of havock in my life!

[DemonicDaughter]

A couple years after we separated, my ex wife came out that she was gay. She immediately lost friendships with the families of our daughter's friends. Soon after, she lost every remaining friend she had. Her family shut her out for years afterward. Only now r they beginning to talk with her!

She felt needed to come out because of her close girlfriend of the time. She wished to bring her along with her to social occasions.

Unless I had some overwhelming need to have Sherry attend social functions, ( which I don't), I don't want or need that kind of havock in my life!

That I can perfectly understand. When I came out about my bisexuality, I lost some friends as well (though thankfully not all). What was most shocking for me was losing gay friends over it. Goes to show, you never can tell.

[Carly D.]

Yes to all... what little worship I feel I get from my nieces, I think would evaporate with me telling them that I like to wear clothes that they wear.. I think when they get to be in their mid twenties that they might could understand that I'm not trying to be like them, I just like to wear the clothing that feels good to me..

[KatrinaAshley]

In short, yes. My familiy and friends already find me a bit peculiar. I liked being the odd thinker in the group. They're used to it now but I would be afraid to bring this up in front of anyone because this pushes new boundaries and would likely change their view of me.