Possible Revalation

[ftm22]

This is a repeat of what I posted on dailystrength.com, but I was told this forum was a lot more active, so I wanted to post it here.



I know it's probably a stupid question considering how you know you're certain is a personal thing, but I'm wondering. I was born a female, but for years I've identified more as male. I've worn boys clothes for years, and I'm happy with people mistake me for a guy. I do crossdress, but not outside of anime conventions where I am dressing as a male character. I would like to start crossdressing in public some time soon, though. I am sexually attracted to men more so than women, though I have had an attraction to one or two women. I am incredibly frustrated, not knowing who I really am, and I hope I can figure this out sooner rather than later.

The other thing is I don't want to tell my friends or anyone in my family until I know. I'm afraid of losing people, even thought i know that my real friends will accept me. I am just afraid that people I consider good friends will run away. I apologize if I am all over the place in my description, my head is just going in a million different directions at once right now. Any advice anyone can give me would be appreciated.

[ZenFrost]

First of all,

I know when I first came to this site I was in a state of confusion, but after a while of being here, I found my way. Most of the people here are really supportive and have gone though a lot of the same things that you're probably going through. Having people that can relate to your situation and know how you feel makes all the difference. Also, figuring out yourself isn't always an easy task, and it can take a while so don't try to rush it.

I can understand not wanting to tell people until you know yourself, but if you know anyone who you might be able to talk to who might be able to help you could try talking to that person. Also, if seeing a therapist or counselor is a viable option for you, some people find them to be quite helpful. Otherwise I really would recommend just hanging out at this site, it's helped me more than I can say and we're happy to offer our support and answer any questions you might have.

[Abraxas]

Welcome, mate!
I agee with Zen completely, and hanging around here might be a great idea for you. Maybe by reading some of the threads and stuff you might figure a few things out. Good luck in your journey and don't be shy!

[Syr_SwitchyGQ]

Welcome!

I know it's probably a stupid question considering how you know you're certain is a personal thing, but I'm wondering. I was born a female, but for years I've identified more as male. I've worn boys clothes for years, and I'm happy with people mistake me for a guy. I do crossdress, but not outside of anime conventions where I am dressing as a male character. I would like to start crossdressing in public some time soon, though.

Well, go for it... female-bodied people can often get away with this a little easier than male-bodied people, since women are allowed to be more androgynous.

I am sexually attracted to men more so than women, though I have had an attraction to one or two women. I am incredibly frustrated, not knowing who I really am, and I hope I can figure this out sooner rather than later.

I wouldn't worry too much about your sexual orientation in regards to your gender identity... we have plenty of gay transmales here (who are either attracted primarily to men or to other transmen) and that doesn't affect their identity. I personally identify as gay, given that I'm primarily attracted to other transmen.

The other thing is I don't want to tell my friends or anyone in my family until I know. I'm afraid of losing people, even thought i know that my real friends will accept me. I am just afraid that people I consider good friends will run away.

I wouldn't worry too much about coming out until you're ready. It's all a personal process, and you shouldn't rush it. Get comfortable in your skin and then come out when you're ready.

I apologize if I am all over the place in my description, my head is just going in a million different directions at once right now. Any advice anyone can give me would be appreciated.

You're fine, hon. Welcome to the forum and I hope you enjoy your stay.

[keaton]

ya know I feel confused a lot of the time also...I dress totally male and cut my hair male and wear Kenneth Cole Black cologne etc.etc.etc. and I wish I could be a man the whole way but my wife doesn't like men...ok well the male units...know what I mean there...so I know I will nver get to live my dream out as a true,all the way male,and occassionally I resent that..then she tells me I'd love you like that also, essentially giving me permission and I get scared...so...I guess I'm no help..hope I didn't really screw things up for you...

[Cai]

Welcome to the site!

I held off dressing fully male for a few months because I feared backlash, but there really hasn't been much. As Tobias said, female-bodied people can get away with that a little easier.

You don't have to come out until you're ready. I've been out to myself and a member here for almost a year now, and I can count on one hand the number of RL friends that I've told. (I'm planning on coming out to everyone at once before school next semester.)

And I'm a gay/queer transman too. Being attracted primarily to men doesn't invalidate your gender identity in any way.

[DanielMacBride]

Hi and welcome! I echo the advice of the other boys, take a gander around the site and read some of the threads and hopefully it will help you find some of the answers you are looking for If not, feel free to ask us questions, we are a friendly and helpful lot

Daniel

[CaptLex]

Hi and welcome, um . . . what should we call you?

Anyway, nice to have you here. As the guys have said (I don't know how they got to be so smart ) hanging around here reading and asking questions would probably help you a lot. Take your time and you should soon start finding some answers about yourself. By the way, I'm one of the ones who is attracted to guys and there are quite a few of us, so it's not an issue.

Just want to comment on what you said about friends and coming out. If and when you're ready to come out, you are likely to lose some friends who don't get it and don't want to, so you should be prepared for that. But I think your real friends will make the effort and will accept you for you, whatever that is.

Good luck!

[ftm22]

Hey everyone! Thanks for all the quick responses. I really appreciate it. I do have a few questions that I was wondering if you could help me out with. The first and foremost is the difference between transgender and transsexual. I've recently discovered that they are not one and the same, and from the descriptions I've found I can say that I am transgender because I am definitely not completely a woman, but I am not sure that I am 100% male either. I fall somewhere on the continuum. Am I right in thinking that that falls under transgender? I'm definitely more male than female, but I'm not really sure how to describe it.

When I said I don't crossdress in public, I meant more that i don't bind or pack or anything. I've been wearing boys clothes since I was young, and despite the strange looks I get, I'm comfortable in them. I suppose I'm just afraid to go the next step and bind in public because I'm afraid I won't be able to pass. I own a binder because of all the costuming I do, so it wouldn't be really difficult to just slip it on and go, but I'm afraid it doesnt get me flat enough to pass as a guy. I've also got a pretty feminine face and really wide hips, which I've always resented. Any ideas on what to do about those if I decide to go for it?

I'm sure there are more questions, I just can't think of them right this second. Thank you everyone for being there for me. I wasn't really sure who to turn to when I started thinking a lot about this.

[CaptLex]

Okay, so I'll call you 22 then (hmmm sounds like an agent from Get Smart ).

I've found I can say that I am transgender because I am definitely not completely a woman, but I am not sure that I am 100% male either. I fall somewhere on the continuum. Am I right in thinking that that falls under transgender? I'm definitely more male than female, but I'm not really sure how to describe it.

You're not alone there, lots of us feel that way in differing degrees (female-bodied people and male-bodied people). I would say you're right, that qualifes as transgender - but labels are tricky things around here and if you ask 10 different people what transgender means, you may get 10 different responses.

I suppose I'm just afraid to go the next step and bind in public because I'm afraid I won't be able to pass.

Understandable

I own a binder because of all the costuming I do, so it wouldn't be really difficult to just slip it on and go, but I'm afraid it doesnt get me flat enough to pass as a guy.

Welcome to the club - nothing gets me flat enough either.

I've also got a pretty feminine face and really wide hips, which I've always resented. Any ideas on what to do about those if I decide to go for it?

Sometimes the right haircut can help your face look a bit different. Check out some of the haircuts in our Rogues Gallery to see if you find one that might work for you.

As for the hips, some binders are long and cover the hips, which helps take a bit off either side. Also certain pants can help - the looser the better, I think.

I'm sure there are more questions, I just can't think of them right this second. Thank you everyone for being there for me. I wasn't really sure who to turn to when I started thinking a lot about this.

Welcome aboard, mate!

[Felix]

I can't add much to what has been said right now Hun except to say yeah I agree with ya and Caplex transgender sounds right. I fully understand where ya coming from and its a mine field for sure but this is a good place with lots of peeps in the same situation who can more often than not help ya. Take care Hun xx Felix

[ZenFrost]

The Captain pretty much said it but I'll take a swing anyway...

The first and foremost is the difference between transgender and transsexual. I've recently discovered that they are not one and the same, and from the descriptions I've found I can say that I am transgender because I am definitely not completely a woman, but I am not sure that I am 100% male either. I fall somewhere on the continuum. Am I right in thinking that that falls under transgender? I'm definitely more male than female, but I'm not really sure how to describe it.

Transgender (TG) is typically used as an umbrella term and can encompass everyone from crossderssers to transexuals and everyone in between. Transexual (TS) is someone who has been diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder or Gender Dysphoria. This is typically the "woman in a man's body" or "man in a woman's body" scenario. Often, transexuals undergo hormone therapy and/or surgery and/or live full-time as the opposite gender of their birth sex. If you feel as though you're a woman, but you're not 100% woman, you can fall under the category of TG (if you'd like to call yourself that) or as this section says, Transmasculine (if you'd prefer).

Transmasculine refers to those who were born female at birth, but feel that their gender is an incorrect or incomplete description.

When I said I don't crossdress in public, I meant more that i don't bind or pack or anything. I've been wearing boys clothes since I was young, and despite the strange looks I get, I'm comfortable in them. I suppose I'm just afraid to go the next step and bind in public because I'm afraid I won't be able to pass. I own a binder because of all the costuming I do, so it wouldn't be really difficult to just slip it on and go, but I'm afraid it doesnt get me flat enough to pass as a guy. I've also got a pretty feminine face and really wide hips, which I've always resented. Any ideas on what to do about those if I decide to go for it?

Not all of us pack (I don't) but most of us bind. And unless you have a pretty flat chest anyway, binding can't flatten completely. But a lot of us can pass anyway even though we're not flat. Like the Captain said, some binders cover hips and wearing loose clothes can help. And avoiding traditional female hairstyles to go for the more male ones can go a long way. Also, fake facial hair is an option (though it's pretty tricky so most of us don't).

[Nicki B]

Hi 22 (is that your age?).

The guys have said it all, I think - but it sounds, from your first post, as if you'll fit right in?

[ftm22]

Hey everyone! Its great that this community is so active. I was kind of discouraged that every other place I found had almost zero activity. As for what to call me, everyone calls me Lore (as in "as I pondered weak and weary over many quaint and curious volumes of forgotten lore"), but 22 is cool too, so whichever you'd like to call me is fine. And yes, that's my age.

I'm going to be heading back home to Jersey from school in Philadelphia in a few minutes, and there's a borders on the way. I was thinking of stopping and picking up one or two books on transgender. The two that I'm looking at are GenderQueer: Voices From Beyond the Sexual Binary and True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism. Has anyone read either of these? Any other suggestions for material on the subject? I figure I'll check out the True Selves one since it's a book for friends and family to see if it would be worth handing it over to my parents when I finally tell them.

[Flameboy]

Hey Lore, good to meet ya mate!

I gave my parents a copy of True Selves when I came out to them, and both my mother and my father found it very useful - so I'd definitely recommend it.

I haven't read the other book though, so can't help you on that one.

Dave

[ftm22]

Awesome! I guess I'll give both a shot and let you know how the other one is.

[ftm22]

So I stopped at the Borders on my way home, and found only a handfull of books on transgender, only 1 of which was really about ftm, and it was one I was not really interested in. Tonight, I went out again to a different Borders and a Barnes & Noble only to discover that they had even less on transgender put together than the first store had. It made me really sad. I guess I have no choice but to buy the books online, even though I was really trying not to use my credit card.

[Tristan]

Buy yourself a barnes and noble gift card then use it online? I think they have a good selection online for trans books.

[CaptLex]

As for what to call me, everyone calls me Lore (as in "as I pondered weak and weary over many quaint and curious volumes of forgotten lore"), but 22 is cool too, so whichever you'd like to call me is fine. And yes, that's my age.

Oh cool, Lore! Like Data's evil twin (Star Trek:TNG). Or Agent 22 . . . yeah, I'm a TV geek.

I'm going to be heading back home to Jersey from school in Philadelphia in a few minutes

You're from Joisey! I don't think we have any guys there (except Mark - he's kind of an honorary transguy ), but Tristan is headed that way. And Phillly is one of my favorite cities (how is ol' Billy Penn?).

The two that I'm looking at are GenderQueer: Voices From Beyond the Sexual Binary and True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism. Has anyone read either of these? Any other suggestions for material on the subject?

I haven't read either of those yet, but we have a list around somewhere of books (and other stuff) we've read or seen and recommend. Personally, I really liked Just Add Hormones by Matt Kailey.

I know what you mean about how hard it is to find these books at the book store. There's usually one small bookcase with LGBT books at any Borders or B&N I've been to here, and maybe two or three books on trans issues, if I'm lucky, so I get most stuff online. Too bad we don't all live closer to each other, we could start our own library.

[ftm22]

I like the idea of buying a giftcard and using that online. Think I can do that with Borders too? I can get coupons really easily for Borders...

You're from Joisey! I don't think we have any guys there (except Mark - he's kind of an honorary transguy ), but Tristan is headed that way. And Phillly is one of my favorite cities (how is ol' Billy Penn?).

Anyone in Philly? It would be really cool to meet someone in person that I can actually talk to about what I'm going through. If not, I can just use the boards, which are already helping. (thanks to all of you!)

I know what you mean about how hard it is to find these books at the book store. There's usually one small bookcase with LGBT books at any Borders or B&N I've been to here, and maybe two or three books on trans issues, if I'm lucky, so I get most stuff online.

It was incredibly depressing to walk in to 2 Borders and 1 Barnes & Noble to see just that.

Too bad we don't all live closer to each other, we could start our own library.

That would have been really cool. I dont know if anyone's suggested this before, but what if we set up a media borrowing system? Like if someone wants to borrow something, they just pay for shipping to and from or something. I dunno, just a thought.

[metalguy639]

Welcome to the site Lore. Not much I can say that they have not told you. Only thing I can say is follow your heart and you will find the answer.

[Fire Falcon]

Hey everyone! Its great that this community is so active. I was kind of discouraged that every other place I found had almost zero activity. As for what to call me, everyone calls me Lore (as in "as I pondered weak and weary over many quaint and curious volumes of forgotten lore"), but 22 is cool too, so whichever you'd like to call me is fine. And yes, that's my age.

I'm going to be heading back home to Jersey from school in Philadelphia in a few minutes, and there's a borders on the way. I was thinking of stopping and picking up one or two books on transgender. The two that I'm looking at are GenderQueer: Voices From Beyond the Sexual Binary and True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism. Has anyone read either of these? Any other suggestions for material on the subject? I figure I'll check out the True Selves one since it's a book for friends and family to see if it would be worth handing it over to my parents when I finally tell them.

Just Add Hormones, My Gender Workbook, Becoming a Visible Man, What Becomes You, The Testosterone Files...

... Naturally, I don't remember the authors, but those are some books that I've enjoyed over the last few months.

Good luck!

[Flameboy]

Just Add Hormones, My Gender Workbook, Becoming a Visible Man, What Becomes You, The Testosterone Files...

... Naturally, I don't remember the authors, but those are some books that I've enjoyed over the last few months.

Good luck!

The authors are:

Matt Kailey, Kate Bornstein, Aaron Raz Link , Max Wolf Valerio

(and no, I didn't have to look them up! :wink

Dave

[Fire Falcon]

The authors are:

Matt Kailey, Kate Bornstein, Aaron Raz Link , Max Wolf Valerio

(and no, I didn't have to look them up! :wink

Dave

-bows to the God of Good Memory-

[ftm22]

I'll go look them up now. thanks for the suggestions!

CaptLex said there was a thread somewhere on here about books and other media that people have read or watched and recommend. Anyone know where that thread is?