Open letter to my CD bf-long

[lynn1969]

Hi all! I have been lurking for awhile, and have learned a lot. I am a GG who is in love w/ a closeted crossdresser. I have no one to talk to about this and I finally decided to post to get some things off my chest. Hopefully this will make me feel better, and I honestly don't want to offend anyone.

Honey,

So one day I find out about your CD, and I don't say anything to you. I admit, I was a little freaked out and didn't know if I could handle it. After I did some research on the subject, I came to the conclusion that it's really no big deal and it didn't change the fact that I want to spend my life w/ you. For weeks, I wondered on how to tell you that I knew, and under the advice of some other CD'ers I met in a chat room, I approached you in what I thought was a very loving, accepting way.

To say that it did not go well, is an understatement. Since then, the whole subject has been not been discussed. I think my confronting you helped kill our sex life.

Sometimes I want to scream at you "I know you have a lot of guilt about this, but this is not a big deal! You are normal! You are not a pervert! You are not a freak! Just let me in for god's sake!"

So here we are, a year later. I've put on about 30 lbs, and I realized recently that I am literally starving for your love, affection, and acceptance. I have been trying to lose weight, and have lost about 10 lbs, but am nowhere near where I want to be. Our sex life is non-existant, and I can't help feeling so rejected and unloved.

To be honest, the only thing that concerns me about your CDing is your attraction/fascination w/ t-girls. I don't get it, and I don't know if it is related to the CDing at all, or something else in it's own right. It is threatening to me in a couple diferent ways. One, I can't compete with that, I don't have the parts (not that I wouldn't be willing to buy them ); and two, t-girls tend to have the heavily made-up, glamorous look. I like getting made/dressed up occasionally, but day-to-day I am more of a natural look. I worry that makes me unappealing to you.

I want you to know that all your kinks are things that I would explore w/ you, and if you would only open up to me, I would fulfill all of you fantasies. I'm not a prude, do you think I've never come across these things before? Can't you see how good our life could be? I can't help but think that sharing this part of your life w/ me would bring us closer, something I so desparately need.

From what I know about you, and from what I have learned from this forum, I think your CDing is fetishized, and is more related to the sexual expierence. I could be wrong, and I do have some questions, but I want to be clear that there is no judgement on my part.

I don't know, maybe too much damage has been done, maybe there is no going back to where we once were. I think about leaving all the time, and I think you would not care. I used to feel so safe w/ you, and I used to feel truly loved by you. I haven't felt that way in a long time.

I resent the fact that to open up the discussion, I would have to come to you. Dammit, I want you to come to me! I want you to make the effort! I want you to try to save this relationship! I obviously don't know what I am doing.

I want you to know that I actually had a fantasy the other day about applying your make-up, and it got me kinda hot.

I still love you.

[EnglishRose]

Wow. You sound like a very accepting and supportive person. I can only hope that your SO can come to realize this, and that you both can have a good talk together.

All the best

[docrobbysherry]

I can't possibly guess what your SO's motivation for dressing is. However, I can give u some input from my relationships, including my failed marriage.

Men need sex. It's like eating, drinking, and sleeping for most of us. If u r not having sex with him, he is getting it, or having it, elswhere, or on his own.
Unless he has health or age problems that effect his physical sexual abilities.

Have u given him the letter u posted? If u haven't, I suggest that u do. U need to talk directly with him about how you feel and find out what he feels. Going back in relationships doesn't often work. Couples normally move forward and either grow together, or apart. Living with another person can be hard work! If u r feeling that way, maybe u should move out.

First, I would recommend therapy for u both. If he will not go, that may be a sign that he feels your relationship is beyond repair. U should attend therapy yourself, Lynn. It mite help u to understand what is happening and why. Best of luck to u, dear!

[melissacd]

Lynn,

This is an amazing letter! I really feel the love and compassion in your words. I feel saddened that he has a partner such as yourself who wants to share this with him, however, I can relate to how he feels.

There is a fantasy that many cross dressers have that if they found a woman, any woman, who accepted this part of who they are that they would bow down and kiss the ground that they walk on and do anything to please them and make it work. They also make all sorts of negative comments about men who walk away or screw up situations where an accepting GG is involved.

While I can understand that sentiment on the part of cross dressers because accepting GGs are hard to find, I have also learned through my own experiences that it is way more complex than someone being accepting of your cross dressing. It is also way more complex than they love you and that they have lots of common ground.

As a cross dresser who took almost 4 decades to reach a level of acceptance of my cross dressing I can relate to that sense of guilt and shame and repression that he possibly has. As a recently separated cross dresser who has experimented with women, with men and with cross dressers I can also understand how we can think that fantasies are real life and in the process do things that we later regret and that mess up good things that we have/had.

So in reading your letter I can feel the love and I can feel the pain. You love him and you want to open yourself up to all of him and he won't let you in for his own as yet undisclosed reasons.

I had the same problem with a woman I was dating over the latter half of 2007 and early 2008. It was a wonderful experience and yet a very challenging one too because I am still in the process of dealing with my own feelings on cross dressing and what that means to me in how I define myself and my life so it was difficult for me to completely open up in the way that she wanted. I kept saying to myself, am I completely crazy here, I have found a woman who is totally accepting and has lots of common ground and yet in the end somehow it would not work. I realize that there is much personal work that I need to do within myself to reach a level where I can be the person that she wanted and needed me to be for her. It is sad that it did not work out and yet it is also an important part of my growth process. I now have a better understanding of what my limits are and where I need to grow as a person.

The net net of all of this is that you need to decide what it is that you want and need in a relationship and find ways to communicate (such as this letter) these things to him. You have to get him to a place where you can either move forward or move on (as painful as that may be). I am learning that we need to be true to who we are and be very up front about that otherwise we will always be unhappy.

I was always angry and unhappy because my cross dressing was buried and my previous ex was totally unaccepting. When I found someone who was accepting I still struggled with it because I had not yet resolved my own internal conflict. I have made many bad mistakes in this past year since my ex and I split and yet hopefully it has helped me to move forward in a positive direction.

Give him this letter and make sure he understands how you feel, however, do not compromise on your own wants and needs, they are very important as well. I spent a lifetime denying who I was and what I needed from life. I have paid a huge price for that denial. My work now is to be sure that I understand my needs and live a life that is in sync with that.

Best of luck to you in your journey.

[DemonicDaughter]

Lynn,

I could have written this very letter to my ex-husband (with some minor changes of course. ). He loathed himself for being what he thought was "weak" or "less of a man". It destroyed our marriage in the long run and left me completely confused. I loved and fully accepted his CDing. I thought it was perfectly normal. I would have had him in dress 24/7 if I could have. But he thought differently. He also had some other problems that compounded his mental image of sex, CDing and himself.

I wish you the best of luck hun, and if you just want to talk, please feel free to PM me.


DD

[Huntress]

Lynn1969,
Methinks you have come to the right place. With so much time lost, we need to get the patient to the ER, stat. Get herm on this board. Get some advice & avoid the trolls. [SIZE="2"]A Professional may need to be consulted.[/SIZE] Don't let the love get lost. If the T-Girl thing is a offshoot of guilt: Buy a Str_p-on and whack your sweetie in the head with it. Don't hesitate and great fortune to you.

Huntress

[MsJanGG]

Your letter could not be more from the heart... continue to love him but don't lose yourself.... the loss of his physical touch would be the hardest thing for me and if he is intentionally withholding that part of himself from you then that would not be acceptable....
my biggest piece of advice for you..don't lose yourself in the process, it can't all be about him and his desires. You have to be strong enough to stand on your own and not fall apart if this doesn't work out. Keep working on yourself, keep losing the weight...it will make you feel better about yourself but it isn't all about that... hugs to you ... just remember , don't lose yourself! It is a hard road to find yourself again....

[Vicky_Scot]

Lynn hon

Your b/f is truly blessed to have a woman like you.

Believe me there are many many cd/tv out there would swap places with him in the blink of an eye.

I hope he realises how fortunate he is but what I must say is that it may be the case he want to keep his dressing to himself.

I would also be concerned about his fascination with T-Girls if it is in a sexual way.

I hope it works out but as someone say do not loose yourself trying to please him.

You sound one in a million Lynn.

Xx Vicky xX

[DanaR]

Dear Lynn,

What a lovely letter and I hope that you are able to open up some communication with your BF. Remember feelings are neither right or wrong, but the way we feel. We need to be able to communicate our feelings to each other so we can be understood.

Take care and good luck,

[Ana5551]

Lynn,

It sounds like he may have another deeper issue, maybe depression and self loathing with a touch of anxiety disorder? This is one of the issues I had to overcome when I came out. I felt terrible and very guilty about what I was doing. I did see counselor to help me cope with and get over these issues, not the crossdressing. It has been an incredible help and brought me back to a high level of self acceptance, and improved my ability to communicate again with my wife. Please, don't destroy your self in this process, talk to him, show him the letter, but if there is another bigger issue for him it could very well be an unhealthy situation for you. I wish the best for both of you.

[DanaR]

Lynn,

Please, don't destroy your self in this process, talk to him, show him the letter, but if there is another bigger issue for him it could very well be an unhealthy situation for you. I wish the best for both of you.

I agree! You are the most important person in your life, remember to take care of YOU!

[RobertaFermina]

He's lucky to have you in his life, and unlucky to have whatever blocks him from "seeing you".

I hope you find each other in a happier place, and soon.

Roberta

[Stargirl]

I try to put myself in the same position. If I were a part time FTM crossdresser, and found myself distancing from my male partner/husband for any number of reasons, I couldn't blame the clothing. It would have to be something deeper for me. I might appreciate such a letter from him, and even love him for it, but I may still feel that we are drifting apart. I might be craving a new relationship to go with the changes within myself. I could be fearing that I am becoming boring, and need to grow away from that particular relationship, and all the "Toys" in the world couldn't fill my needs. Pink, purple, curved, or vibrating. It comes down to personal magnetism, mutual respect, and communications. Relationships have built in strengths, and weaknesses. Trying to force feelings can be a disaster. It never works. But, if you can resolve the conflict somehow, without enduring animosity, you will have achieved a great deal. I hope you have a positive outcome, no matter what, for both of you.

[Emily Ann Brown]

WOW !

I should have been so blessed with a partner who was willing to accept and work for solutions to the remaining problems. Accept my admiration for being so wonderful to her.

Now, I hope she is reading all this and slowly realizing what she is about to lose if she doesn't make the effort and open up to you.


Emily Ann

[Sandi jo]

He is a lucky man if he doesn't know it.The two of you have to sit down and talk at length about how to go futher along in your relationship.

[Mary Morgan]

Lynn, I just want to add my voice to the group and agree that you are one incredilbe woman. I wish I could tell you what the key is but like so many, I have the opposite problem, I would love to have someone like you to share this wonderful gift with. I will keep a good thought for you, and pray that your SO comes around. Thank you for your openess and thoughtfulness. Hugs, Mary

[lynn1969]

Men need sex. It's like eating, drinking, and sleeping for most of us. If u r not having sex with him, he is getting it, or having it, elswhere, or on his own.
Unless he has health or age problems that effect his physical sexual abilities.

I know. I need it too. I am a very sexual person, sex has never been an issue in my past relationships.

I would gladly have sex w/ him (or her), I am the one being rejected here. What pi$$es me off about the situation is the fact that, I'm sure my weight gain is an issue for him, but we have talked about having kids, and I think to myself "when I get preggers, my body is going to change, what is your excuse then?"

I mean, I'm talking about 20 lbs at this point, not 100.

There were some minor ED issues in the beginning, and I understood what a blow that was to him and how it made it feel. So I backed off, and he stopped trying to have sex w/ me.

That's what caused the gain in the first place, I realized I was medicating myself w/ food to cover up my feelings of not being good enough, feeling rejected, unloved, and my guilt over "outing" him when he apparently didn't want to be "outed".

So, yeah, there are some other issues going on here as well.

I originally came to this site to try to understand him better, and I have gained some great insight about CDing in general. IMO, our sexual problems are intertwined w/ the whole CD thing in some way or another. I honestly think that there was an undeniable shift in our relationship from the moment I "outed" him. I think he resents me to some extent.

I want to thank you all for your support and insight. It means more to me than you can possibly know.

[MsJanGG]

I know. I need it too. I am a very sexual person, sex has never been an issue in my past relationships.

yep... seems like somewhere in my past I think I heard someone tell someone either you give it to me or I will get it elsewhere... not the best solution but he has to wake up...

[ChristineRenee]

Quite a letter there Lynn. I think that your boyfriend has one helluva girlfriend here and should make the effort to communicate with you about all of this. You deserve to be happy and to have your wants and needs met as well. I wish you both all the best.

[Selene EV]

So many times on this forum I read of women who are willing to try and work with thier husbands only to have them shut down. I just don't understand. I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that I would give anything to have the support and understanding that you are offering your husband. I can only say what the others before me have said. You sound like a wonderful woman. You've made quite an effort to understand and accept. If he won't open up to you then he's very foolish.

[QUOTE=docrobbysherry;1241963]
Men need sex. It's like eating, drinking, and sleeping for most of us. If u r not having sex with him, he is getting it, or having it, elswhere, or on his own.

I couldn't disagree with that statement more. The intimacy in my relationship has just about disappeared. I don't blame my SO but it is what it is. I love my wife more than anything in the world despite this and would never go elsewhere to "get it".

[Emily Ann Brown]

Since we won't leave that point alone.....

Men in general are horndogs IMHO. CDs and TGs on the other hand are all over the place because of their "unique" mindset and guilt complex. I 'm currently enjoying the company of a wonderful woman, but there is no sex, and I'm not out looking for any. I was faithful prior for 39 years and had long runs of no sex because of various reasons including my guilt over dressing.

Put that on the list of "tough questions" that need to be asked and answered.


Emily Ann

[Carroll]

*WARNING* the next remark is a "just kidding" comment!!!
Thought I am married, if it doen't work out, there are a few CDing fish in our little pond here!

[Bev06 GG]

Have you showed this letter to your partner lynn. If so has it changed anything.
Everyone has been very quick to point out how lucky he is to have you and that goes without saying. However, you havent been particularly lucky and it certainly doesn't sound like a barrel of laughts to me. I wonder if he realises the heartache he is putting you through.

This is the kind of stuff that puts women off CDs because they are too complicated. Thankfully they are not all the same, and most have a balanced attitude to their dressing. Sounds like this CD is really struggling with an identity crisis. I wish you all the best and hope that you manage to come through this relatively unscathed which ever way it goes. You deserve a medal girl, because sure as hell I wouldn't be as patient as you have been. I'd kick his arse and ask him to leave until he'd sorted himself out. I know this sounds very callous but I've had my fair share of mixed up guys, and in the end you become as muddled and confused as they are. Unless they are willing to meet you half way there is nothing you can do for them.
Best wishes
Bev
Bev

[DanaR]

Have you showed this letter to your partner lynn. If so has it changed anything.
Everyone has been very quick to point out how lucky he is to have you and that goes without saying. However, you havent been particularly lucky and it certainly doesn't sound like a barrel of laughts to me. I wonder if he realises the heartache he is putting you through.

This is the kind of stuff that puts women off CDs because they are too complicated. Thankfully they are not all the same, and most have a balanced attitude to their dressing. Sounds like this CD is really struggling with an identity crisis. I wish you all the best and hope that you manage to come through this relatively unscathed which ever way it goes. You deserve a medal girl, because sure as hell I wouldn't be as patient as you have been. I'd kick his arse and ask him to leave until he'd sorted himself out. I know this sounds very callous but I've had my fair share of mixed up guys, and in the end you become as muddled and confused as they are. Unless they are willing to meet you half way there is nothing you can do for them.
Best wishes
Bev
Bev

Bev,

Very well said. There are many times I'm embarrassed to be male, the other times I wished I wasn't, but that is another topic.

The key that you touched on, is putting yourself in the others person's place, I think that most people don't do that. That's probably the part of walking in her shoes that most guy don't try.

[MJ]

well yes he is a very lucky man . to have a woman like you .

but you seem to be loving and an understanding person , i just wish you would not put yourself down .. you are a beautiful person .
piss on the weight-loss go get yourself some nice outfits and new heels get your hair done do your makeup and start enjoying life on your terms not his..
life is way too short i know you love him but it's a two way street