On CDs, GGs, Relationships, Mistakes and Allowing Ourselves to Heal

[melissacd]

Lynn1969's open letter to her boyfriend got me thinking more deeply about this matter.

When I was with my ex all I could have ever hoped for and dreamed of was that I got a fraction of the love and acceptance that she has shown in her open letter to her boyfriend.

Hearing about a cross dresser with such an accepting partner as him, I would have railed at his stupidity, wondered how such a man could allow such a woman to be anything but worshipped for the very ground she walked on.

I now realize that that is too flat and two dimensional a perspective on things and if I have learned anything over this past year it is that many of us look at things with a totally unrealistic view thinking that finding an accepting GG will be the silver bullet, the magic formula to happiness. Well I have news for all those cross dressers aspiring to finding such a gem, it isn't that simple.

I realize that in the desert when someone sees water they head for it and drink without consideration of whether the water is potable. Desperation allows us to make bad choices without properly assessing the situation.

I know that I made a lot of bad choices as a cross dresser within the context of my failed marriage and that is why my ex is now my ex. With my new found freedom I thought that the world was my oyster and all I had to do was find an accepting GG and all would be well - wrong! I found a number of accepting GGs and somehow that was not enough, I tried experimenting with male admirers and with a cross dresser and somehow that was not enough. I found a wonderful woman who was accepting, had lots of common ground and was ready to commit to me and live with me and somehow there was still something wrong. Was I completely off my rocker!!??

What I have learned from all of this is that we suffer a great deal of damage to our psyches through years of repression, guilt, denial, fear and struggle with non-accepting partners. It is only common sense that when one relationship ends you need to give yourself time to heal and ready yourself for new things, however, in our desperation for acceptance and our fear of being alone we jump in and try things without allowing our fragile souls due course to process everything that we have been through that led us to this point.

I now see that I have fallen prey to that very thing. I may very well have found, in these forays into relationship world, the one who is right for me and yet because I did not allow myself enough distance, because I did not give myself the time that I need to heal, I made huge mistakes and cost myself one of the best relationships I could have ever hoped for.

So while I know that ultimately my goal is to find my way to a self confident woman who will accept and embrace that part of me, who has sufficient common ground that we can joyfully share our lives, who I can gracefully grow old and retire with and enjoy all that this world has to offer, a woman whom I can be close to at all levels...while I know that this is the ultimate dream goal that I aspire to and hope that I can achieve, I also realize that I have not yet given myself the time needed to get past all of the old stuff, all of the emotional wounds.

Much in the same way that a farmer cannot plant a seed in the ground and expect a full field of crops the next day, we also require planting of new seeds, watering and nurturing of our souls so that we can understand who we are, what we want and what we need in a partner and so that we can be strong and healthy souls who can be a solid partner for them.

Intellectually I know what I want (for the most part), however, from recent experiences I know that no matter how lonely I feel, no matter how black and deep my depressions are, there is a reason for allowing ourselves that time to heal, to learn, to grow and to become whole again.

[RobertaFermina]

Going down into the deep dark places and listening to the hurt, the pain, the loss, whetever lurks, is the true beginning of healing.

Finding a safe way to descend, listen, and return makes the full course of healing workable. You don't have to do it alone, but you can't mix romance with what you need to do in that workshop in the pit of your soul.

A lover or a friend can help with the logistics of healing: finding/creating a safe place to "descend", greeting you and holding you upon your return. This kind of help, however is all about you, and not the give-and take of relationship.
Each new discovery can take you places that can reshape your needs and wants, even your character. It isn't fair for you to worry about how your journey can affect your relationship, or even divert or alter your healing path to preserve a relationship. You or your relationship can end up warped.

If you are already in relationship when you finally start healing, a heroic effort is needed on both sides to stay in relationship and allow a partner's healing to take place according to their own needs, and cope with unmet needs with a partner unable/unready to meet them.

However such a couple can remain a couple is miraculous, though not impossible. Noone can tell you how to do it.

Roberta

[lynn1969]

Well thought out post, melissacd.

I think a lot of what you said can be applied to almost anyone, in terms of knowing who you are, loving yourself, and dealing w/ past baggage before entering into a romantic relationship.

[DemonicDaughter]

Thank you! When I originally started posting on here, I received a few PMs regarding how "perfect" I seemed and how lucky my SO was. All because I accept CDing. But I'm not perfect and I'm pretty sure, the majority of people wouldn't want to live with someone like me. Though I spoil my girl every chance I get, I too need a LOT of down time, a LOT of alone time and a LOT of me time. Its just how my mind is. It is the reason that I love my SO as I do. She fully understands, doesn't take it personal and encourages me to do as I need.

I enjoyed the flattery but that's all it was. You have to genuinely get to know the person, not just love them because they accept CDing! That's like loving someone because they let you eat icecream all day! Sure its sweet but look at the mess you make!

[Emily Ann Brown]

Sounds like words I have spoken to newly divorced people as a minister. You nailed it girl !!!!


Emily Ann

[Sandi jo]

It takes a long time to figure out what we really want and even then we have to see how everything will work out.its a life long journey so take your time to find real happiness

[Kate Simmons]

It's a simple fact my friend that sometimes no matter how hard we try to do all of the right things, regardless of how genuine or sincere our intentions, sometimes the good guys lose. That doesn't mean it's a failure, however, and as you say sometimes the timing is just off through no fault of our own. The choice is whether we pick the easy path for the short haul or give ourselves time go get all the ducks in a row for the long haul. Nothing is ever truely a failure unless we make it one, as long it's taken as a lesson learned and we continue to move forward into a positive direction. In this way we turn even our liabilities into assets that work for us. True wisdom is learning to know the difference between failures and opportunities.

[melissacd]

Well thought out post, melissacd.

I think a lot of what you said can be applied to almost anyone, in terms of knowing who you are, loving yourself, and dealing w/ past baggage before entering into a romantic relationship.

I agree and I thank you for posting the message that inspired me to create this thread. I hope that things work out for you and your partner.

Thank you! When I originally started posting on here, I received a few PMs regarding how "perfect" I seemed and how lucky my SO was. All because I accept CDing.

I see these things all the time and I realize that it is so shallow for a cross dresser to look at an accepting GG in that way. It is unfair because CDing is just one aspect of a relationship and if there are not enough other ways in which the couple are compatible then it matters not that a GG is accepting. Have an incompatible accepting partner is worse than having a non-accepting but otherwise compatible partner. In my case my ex was non-accepting and non-compatible so it always amazes me that we stayed together for 25 years. For me the learning is to be very clear in the future about what I need in a partner, I expect them to be clear with me as well.

Sounds like words I have spoken to newly divorced people as a minister. You nailed it girl !!!! Emily Ann

Thanks Em

It takes a long time to figure out what we really want and even then we have to see how everything will work out.its a life long journey so take your time to find real happiness

It takes a long time, but more importantly it takes a lot of honesty with ourselves and the courage to communicate that honesty to a potential partner.

It's a simple fact my friend that sometimes no matter how hard we try to do all of the right things, regardless of how genuine or sincere our intentions, sometimes the good guys lose. That doesn't mean it's a failure, however, and as you say sometimes the timing is just off through no fault of our own. The choice is whether we pick the easy path for the short haul or give ourselves time go get all the ducks in a row for the long haul. Nothing is ever truely a failure unless we make it one, as long it's taken as a lesson learned and we continue to move forward into a positive direction. In this way we turn even our liabilities into assets that work for us. True wisdom is learning to know the difference between failures and opportunities.

The key is to learn from our mistakes and not beat ourselves up for our failings, but rather learn what we did wrong, accept our humanity, leave the past in the past and move on.


Thanks to all of you for your wonderful thoughts.

[harmony]

in the case of a relationship two halfs do not make a whole.its like an animal costume that takes two people-one will always be the rearend.
two wholes make a whole and when the desire to help the other
grow into their full potential is voluntarily reciprocated it should be fantastic!
as for myself i have not been whole for the last 24 years of my batchelor life-but i am reasonably happy!

[Stargirl]

I would prefer to live with/near an honest, loving "monster" who stood up for his rights, rather than someone who allowed me to push him around, if I were ever potentially inclined to do so.

[deja true]

Stargirl has succinctly said what I've been trying to work out in various PMs with several folks here including GGs, but was actually a little afraid to bring up here.

Quite often we see posts from 'girls' with so-called accepting wives or SOs. But the gist of some of these posts is that

"My wife let's me..." or

"...no dressing in the house..." or

"...no dressing in my presence..." or

"...no contact with other CDs..." or

"...underdressing only on Tuesdays.."

or some such restrictions. The husband usually goes on to praise his wife's support and acceptance. But, in reading between the lines, these relationships often sound like abusive relationships, rather than perfect relationships. Despite the words, the tone often sounds forced and frantic.

Many must feel they're just barely hanging on to their marriages and families. And are also burning with the frustration of being controlled so closely. Severe restrictions only make the CD, like any child, want to break the rules. The more restrictions, the more the restricted one will act out. Severe restrictions are NOT a form of acceptance. They are a form of emotional blackmail that borders on mental cruelty.

Truly accepting and supportive SOs end up with happy, calm, non-argumentative husbands who are easier to get along with than ever. CDs allowed to be themselves still love their wives and family, don't fear them. And because they love them, they also accept their marital and familial responsibilities with a happy mind.

In the context of this thread, that an accepting spouse may not always be the answer to a CDs dreams, these few 'accepted' dressers are an example of a dream gone wrong.

We can always tell the truly happy couples. They play at home, they play here. Their love and respect shines through in their posts. They are few and far between.

What's the old adage? Be careful what you wish for....

respect & love ( for true respect & love),

deja

[docrobbysherry]

I think deja, and other posters here r on to some good relationship points. I think it requires two things to enter a relationship successfully.

1. U must be happy with yourself, and by yourself.

2. U must know who u r. ( This last one is very hard for me! At 60, I'm still trying to figure out who and what I am).

After I separated from my ex, ( which had nothing to do with CDing), I wanted nothing to do with women OR sex. This went on for years. In the interim, I began serious CDing. By the time I evolved into "Sherry", I was sexually active. The last few years, I've been dating and considering serious relations with women again.

Strangely enough, it appears that CDing has renewed my sex drive, and my interest in women! In effect, healing the damage caused by my breakup.

[Angie G]

I hope you achieve your goal and hind true happiness in live Melissa.
Angie

[Pandora]

I now realize that that is too flat and two dimensional a perspective on things and if I have learned anything over this past year it is that many of us look at things with a totally unrealistic view thinking that finding an accepting GG will be the silver bullet, the magic formula to happiness. Well I have news for all those cross dressers aspiring to finding such a gem, it isn't that simple.

Hi Mellisa. Very thought provoking post. I think I may be one of those you're directing this comment at and I have to tell you you're 100% right. There are so many facets to relationships and CDing is just one more. I don't expect to find someone and have it work based solely on admittance and acceptance of CDing. We all have baggage. I would like to apoligize if any of my posts make it seem like I am oversimplifying things and I will be thinking about this one a bunch.

I look at many on here who seem to have great relationships and try to use that for inspiration. I know it's not that simple but I will still aspire to find that gem. I don't feel that I have any other choice.

Thanks again for the mind bender and best of luck to you.

[Satrana]

Good points Melissa. Too many members are so focused on finding an accepting GG that they forget that that is only the starting point for a relationship, not the end point.

With regard to your comment about damage done by a non-accepting SO, I believe it is important for CDs to understand that we have all been damaged by society's intolerance and our years spent in the solitary isolation of the closet. We have all undergone a form of gender trauma and we must first recognize this issue and heal ourselves before we can successfully build a relationship with an accepting GG.

[melissacd]

With regard to your comment about damage done by a non-accepting SO, I believe it is important for CDs to understand that we have all been damaged by society's intolerance and our years spent in the solitary isolation of the closet. We have all undergone a form of gender trauma and we must first recognize this issue and heal ourselves before we can successfully build a relationship with an accepting GG.

I agree, I realize through some false starts that I have much healing to do. That being said I have started to post myself as looking for friendship only, I am a long way away from anything serious, however, I still enjoy and want to socialize. I do not want to go from my CD closet to a new closet where I hide from the world while I heal.