Free yourself tell the truth

[Amy Hepker]

I have read so many threads about CDers are afraid to come out and tell the people they love. I do know this can be hard and you don't have to tell all of them, but the weight lifted off your shoulders is so great you won't believe it. This is something that is a part of you or is you. You are really only hurting yourself and others by not being yourself. You really need to release yourself from you mind prison and live your life.

I have just read a thread where a CDers just told his SO and she accepted him. Many time, not all the time this will be the reaction. But the thing is you have no Idea what kind of relief you can feel by coming clean about it. If you are holding or hiding things from your SO, they know something is going on. You really need to free Yourself and be Yourself.

If your SO really LOVEs you then they should stay with you no matter what. I had a counselor the other day explain it like this to my Lady. She told her that if I were to grow a large lump on my back or if I contracted a cancer, would she leave me. My Lady said it was not the same, but the counselor said it is the same and that if she really LOVEs me that it should not matter.

Chances are that if your SO is going to leave you when you tell them, then they were probably going to leave you when they found out someday anyway. You need to talk to them and let them know how you really feel and who you really are.

[Jamie L. Squires]

Excellent advice and the example the counselor used is a very good one and definitely true. They truly love you or they don’t. But it is still a very hard thing to do especially if you have hidden it all your life.

[Amy Hepker]

I do know what you mean, I still have not told my Sisters as of yet, although I do think they know.

[midnightblue]

Can't agree more. The sooner the truth come out, the better. By telling them early than later, you also give them a chance to decide what they are going to do with themselves and you. I only found out by accident. I can tell you. It is hurt-lying.

[Joanne f]

I am one of the lucky ones as my wife excepts it now, and it is all to easy for us lucky one`s to say yes go and tell , but this is not an ideal word and it still go`s against the grain of a lot of females so i would add a word of corrosion to those that have not told as they know their SO better than anyone (or they should) remember that a lot have lost their SO through it .





joanne

[kay_jessica]

It is a very hard thing for someone to do. Often it is easier to "lie" then be up front about it. This is because we are what we are and often fought for many year within ourselves a battle of acceptance. We tried desperately to live "normal" lives not realizing the futility of it until we are so committed to the ones we love that telling them may hurt them and our relationships with them. Having accepted ourselves we now fight a tortuous battle of lies. Wanting to tell her but not wanting to risk loosing the one we love. We fear rejection and I suppose we fear ridicule form our closest and dearest. In extremes we fear being outed by those we love with misguided aim that it might cure us.

Fortunately, my SO does know and does accept me for what I am and it was the lies that caused/causes the most grieve.

So yes try to be honest.

Hugs

Kay

[Amy Hepker]

I agree totally, it is one battle to another. The battle we have been fighting within ourselves for all these years telling ourselves it is wrong and we need to be what our bodies are, and now we have to tell the ones we LOVE that we have been living a lie all these years, BUT the lie was not to them but to ourselves. The thing is now that we have come to terms with ourselves, it is our LOVED ones that think we have been lieing to them all these years.

It maybe true that we have lied to ourselves and our LOVED ones both all these years, by not being who we really are and by not telling those we truley LOVE.

Our LOVED ones find it hard to understand why we would do this to them, when in all actuality, we did not do it to them on purpose to hurt them, but have finally come to realize that we are more than we really are on the outside. In all truth we are very special people as we can and do see things from both sides.

We are the ones who have to go through hell, because not only our LOVED ones believe we have lied to them, we have lied to ourselves for so many years. It is an on going battle to be who we are on the outside and trying to satisfy our inner needs as the people we really are.

Many of us have had to live with the thought we were wrong for being who we really are because it is not acceptable in this world.

[MJ]

Chances are that if your SO is going to leave you when you tell them, then they were probably going to leave you when they found out someday anyway. You need to talk to them and let them know how you really feel and who you really are.

this is so true we think everything is just fine . but some time the S.O feels trapped just as bad as the cd'r ..
But it's a nice prison so if no body rocks the boat it just as easy to stay ..
but give them a reason and pow ...there out of there .

the truth is sometimes it gives us a second chance at a life as long as we don't screw up again

[Roberta Llyan]

I AGREE 100% with you Amy. It is the thing called "trust." And that is what they will throw back at you if you continue to hide it from them.

[Bootsiegalore]

My wife knows and accepts me. She buys me stuff and we go out together when we can... (about 3 times a year) I have 2 boys 13 and 17 who do not know. I have always wondered about comming out... I figure "who cares" I like drag! I really don't see the problem. But I just am of the opinion that others won't see it the same, otherwise I would come out.... Just think - to dress every day!

[MsJanGG]

I think that is such great advice Amy... a woman has an intuition that is second to none and if her husband is dressing and keeping it from her I would bet you almost anything that she "knows" something is up and is wrong... and instead of letting her know what is really going on her imagination will fill in all kinds of things on her own! Most of them being far worse than her husband dressing! though I know it is so scary putting yourself out there with the possibility of rejection but as a GG and a SO I also agree that if you truly love someone you just want them happy and if dressing makes them happy then so be it!

[Shelly67]

Everyone to his / her own but I think the only person who really needs to know is youre partner , the person you live with .Personally for me , I dont think it,d be a good idea for me to come out to my parents ect , as I fear this would really hurt them . But , if I were asked I,d be honest and tell them......

[Shelly Preston]

As much as I like the idea of sharing the secret

( which i have done)

You could find the partner you are with hates it so much they get torn apart by it

Eventually they realise they love you so much they have to let you go before it destroys both of you


So there is no perfect solution

[Deborah Jane]

You could find the partner you are with hates it so much they get torn apart by it
Eventually they realise they love you so much they have to let you go before it destroys both of you

Thats pretty much the way it happened to me!!

[AKAMichelle]

I have read so many threads about CDers are afraid to come out and tell the people they love. I do know this can be hard and you don't have to tell all of them, but the weight lifted off your shoulders is so great you won't believe it. This is something that is a part of you or is you. You are really only hurting yourself and others by not being yourself. You really need to release yourself from you mind prison and live your life.

Amen Sister

My wife and I have a lot of other issues but the crossdressing one is now pushed to the bottom of the list. It may not be over but it does allow us to concentrate on the other problems.

[shirley1]

is it possible that one of the reasons some so's wont accept it is caus they are worried about how it will reflect on them ? ie what will the neighbours/friends think of me being married to a cder - its amazing how few people seem to care about whether anyone crossdresses unless they are a close family relative or friend - when my mom caught me dressed as a teenager and threatened me within an inch of my life - but some years later when she worked in a store and had to serve a regular cder she had nothing but admiration for them being themselves ! strange how people can have double standards

[sissystephanie]

As much as I like the idea of sharing the secret

( which i have done)

You could find the partner you are with hates it so much they get torn apart by it


So there is no perfect solution

I believe the perfect solution is to be honest from the very start of the relationship.

Eventually they realise they love you so much they have to let you go before it destroys both of you

That is not true love! Not if there was honesty from the beginning. Of course, if secrets were kept for some time then there really never was true love. If you love your wife, or SO, you don't keep secrets from her, and you don't expect her to keep secrets from you.

What if your wife or SO developed MS and required 24 hour care. Would you love her so much that you would abandon her because it was so much work? And don't tell me it is not the same thing! It is exactly the same thing in a different context. Marriage is give and take, from both parties. It is also all about honesty and trust. That is why my first sentence is so important. Honesty from the very start of the relationship is always best.

Sissy/Stephanie

Girl on the outside, man underneath!

[Deborah Jane]

I believe the perfect solution is to be honest from the very start of the relationship.
That is why my first sentence is so important. Honesty from the very start of the relationship is always best.

Sissy/Stephanie

Girl on the outside, man underneath!

In my particular case when i got married i hadn,t c/ded in the time i,d known my wife..I thought i was "cured" and didn,t tell her because i thought i wouldn,t ever dress up ever again. By the time i realised i wanted to dress again we,d been married for over 10 years and had children.
When i did eventually tell her it was on the advice of a therapist after i,d attempted suicide over other issues from my past. Also having discovered dressing made me feel calmer and more able to deal with the issues from my past i thought it was a good idea.
When i eventually told my wife i thought she had realised anyway [i left little clues]

I doubt i,m the only one here who never said anything earlier in the relationship because they thought they would never dress again!!

[Joanne08]

In my particular case when i got married i hadn,t c/ded in the time i,d known my wife..I thought i was "cured" and didn,t tell her because i thought i wouldn,t ever dress up ever again. By the time i realised i wanted to dress again we,d been married for over 10 years and had children.
When i did eventually tell her it was on the advice of a therapist after i,d attempted suicide over other issues from my past. Also having discovered dressing made me feel calmer and more able to deal with the issues from my past i thought it was a good idea.
When i eventually told my wife i thought she had realised anyway [i left little clues]

I doubt i,m the only one here who never said anything earlier in the relationship because they thought they would never dress again!!

Hey Deborah Jane

This is pretty much my story (except the suicide part). I dropped a few hints and thought maybe my wife would be OK with it. I printed some information I found here about cd'ing and left it in my brief case waiting for the opportuny to give it to her. Well, she found it and confronted me when I wasn't expecting it. We had a few frank discussions about it and then things went badddd!!!! She saw a phychiatrist who told her it was a perversion and now wants me to get "cured". I had quit for several years prior to my wanting to bring it up and I thought I would be completely truthful with her about my past cd'ing but it seems to have backfired. The fact that she hates it so much has actually drove me to want to dress again. It does make me feel calmer and at peace with myself. In retrospect, had I told her before we got married, we might not have.

Jo

[Amy Hepker]

Joanne,

This is the problem we have, doctors that are out of date with the real world. We cannot be cured, but freed. We need to be ourselves or we as Deborah Jane said we will self destruct. So many lives have been ruined because of who we really are, who we cannot be, because of our outer gender has forced us to be who we are not.

Many of us will not come out because of old world thinking, that we are sick and can be cured, and should be sent away.

This forum has brought many of us to the realisation that we are not alone with our feelings, we are not alone wanting to be our true selves, we are not sick, but misunderstood by many who are to afraid to want to know us as real people.

As Shirley said, her mom did not mind others being theselves, but for her own son to be this way was not to be. Why should we be condemed for being who we really are??? Why should we suffer within our selves, to please others around us???

We are human and we have the right to be who we are inside, just as anyone else has the right to be who they are, or want to be.

[Blixa]

The feeling of living as who you really are is something that many people take quite for granted. It can be especially well appreciated when you don't even know that hiding your need for wearing women's clothes is deeply connected to a sense that something is missing in your life. Once you do know that it is related, but still keep it hidden, it's another kind of anguish perhaps even worse. So telling people should be foremost an obligation to yourself, to free yourself as Amy put it.

Btw, do we really have to lump together cancer, multiple freakin' sclerosis and the wearing of stylish outfits?

[Amy Hepker]

The real thing is here is that as a MTF, we are not wearing female clothing, we are wearing our clothes. These are the clothes we are at home in, we are really crossdressing as males to satisfy people around us who say we are male because we have the male aparatus, not taking into account who we really are inside.

This is where we are put to the test, because we are under stress to be who people say we must be and putting our real selves in the closet to be socially acceptable.

After years, the stress builds and we take it out in many ways, it is only when we finally admit to ourselves that we are someone else on the inside and that person has to come out. And when we do come out, that we can finally find happiness within ourselves and be true to others around us as well.

Our LOVED ones and friends need to understand, we have to be our inner selves, on the outside, to be the whole person we really are, to keep our sanity.

It is only when we can be our true selves that we can be totally true to others.

[Alie66]

My Wife found some of my womens clothing that I had hidden, obviously not very well (maybe sub consciously on purpose). The first thing she accused me of was of being gay, that couldn't be further form the truth. I love women as well as dressing as a women. I explained this to her and it has taken about 5 years for her to gradually accept it as long as I don't dress fully in front of her.

I have partially dressed, mainly pantyhose and shoes (sometimes a slip or skirt), a couple of times in the bedroom and this has helped her accept it to a certain extent.

As far as her shopping for me I think that is sometime down the line, but something to aim for.

Luv Alie

[Blixa]

The real thing is here is that as a MTF, we are not wearing female clothing, we are wearing our clothes.

Of course this is exactly how i understand it now. But before, i only knew that i had a thing for women's clothes. It was only after i let even just one person know about this, that i began to see them as my clothes and an expression of my true self.

[Amy Hepker]

I should not rule out the FTM people as I am sure they are going through the same thing.