Why Was I Given This Type Of Life?

[jessbcuzz]

I have been asking myself that question a lot as of recent. Why couldn't I have been all male, or all female? Being in the middle has caused a lot of problems. I guess life would be better if the world was accepting of CD's. For those of you that are from Ohio, I was at Cedar Point (an amusement park for those that want to know what it is). I was standing in like waiting for a ride, and like usual, I glance around and maybe study a person or two. There were people of the same sex holding hands, guys with their girls, girls talking girly things among themselves, guys with their buddies trying to come up with a story than the previous one told, and girls with their man being all clingy. When I see that stuff, it feels like I am on the outside looking in. What I wouldn't do to be in any one pair of those shoes. Preferably, I'd like to have been in a pair of any woman's shoes, but in this current life, it's back and forth between men and woman's shoes. I would like to know why this is the type of life I have.
I tried to do some research on line, but most of the time I came across articles from "professionals" that say crossdressing is an addiction. I recall being 6 or 7 wanting to wear my sister's clothes and began wondering what it would be like to be a little girl. How is that an addiction at that age?
Not matter how many times I end up fighting a war in the mirror, I know that being a crossdresser is a part of my life. I am fortunate to be with a GG that knows what I do and accepts it. We have been together for 3 years now. Her only fear is that I would want to be a women full time. I understand why she feels that way. There is times I feel that being a crossdresser does get it in the way of us growing together, but it is a part of my life. It all ways has been and always will be. However, the question that will always remain is why was I given this type of life? Being either all male or all female would make my life seem like I had a purpose. Anyone else feel the same way?


Oh, yea, I just bought that top in my avatar. I wish I could buy everything else and look like that in the top!

[sissystephanie]

I have been a CD since about age 10. Given my current age, that is over 60 years of wearing femme things. When my dear wife passed away just short of our 50th anniversary, I did seriously think of starting my life over as a full time woman. Complete with surgery!

Fortunately for me, an extremely talented, sweet, and lovable GG talked me out of it. She and I are now very close friends. Well, maybe more then friends! Now I am very happy to be a man who like to wear feminine clothing. Since I live alone I can dress pretty much as I want. And I do!! I don't pass, but I do go out in femme clothes. I have reached a stage where I don't care what other people think about my clothing, except for my children. I don't dress around them, at least not what they can see! I feel crossdressing is just an expression of my feminine side! Every man has a feminine side, but many never want to express it. Just as every woman has a male side, but most of them keep it well hidden!

How you approach it with your S.O. is entirely up to you. Just be honest at all times! Remember, she loves you because you are a man, not a woman!

Sissy/Stephanie

Girl on the outside, but man underneath!

I also like that top. I would love to look like that wearing it!!

[Angela-Russell]

That's probably a question that we've all asked ourselves at some time or other, & I don't think any of us has the answer. Even though it can be very hard at times, I'm glad to be the way I am, because I find dressing as a girl is one of the nicest feelings I can have.

[victoriamwilliams1]

I'v asked that question for years

[Kate Simmons]

I don't think the question "why" is that important. The better question maybe is what will we do with what we've been given to work with? We are who we are for a reason.

[deja true]

"...Being either all male or all female would make my life seem like I had a purpose. Anyone else feel the same way?..."

Oh! Mileena! This is so wrong!

All of our lives have a purpose. You just haven't found your yet.

And that purpose may or my not have anything to do with your desire to dress. Would you say that that the lives of the mods and admins here have no purpose? Their work has provided thousands of us 'outcasts' a place to talk and feel safe while we figure out our own lives. Would you say that the lives of some of the wisest and supportive members here have no purpose? Posts and PMs from many here have turned my life around from a morass of guilt and shame to a positive and bright awakening every day. Their advice and caring attitudes have given me the same outlook. That we are all people who need to accept who we are and make the absolute most of it.

Purpose comes from being generous and loving, from thinking of others, all others, more than we think of ourselves. This can manifest itself here in a CD context or out in the world at large. Do you do anything for others with out regard for yourself? Do you do any volunteer work? Do you use your skills or talents, whatever they are, for the benefit of others? Without thought of payment? Without thought of self?

The Red Cross, Habitat for Humanity, church groups, school groups, hundreds of charitable and non-profit organizations can use your time and energy. There is satisfaction there. There is purpose. There is self esteem, which seems to be what you are lacking.

Your life will have a purpose when you decide to give it one. Get up off your selfish, sorry ass and do something for others. Forget about you, you you...

Our lives take on value in direct proportion to how positively we affect others...

Do unto others, baby, do unto others... thats the key.

[Jenny Doolittle]

Mileena,

It seems to me that this question is much like viewing the glass as half full or half empty.

I have been dressing sence a small boy, and had the same questions and thoughts as yoou have now, but it was about 6 years ago that I accepted who I was and was truthful with my wife that I really felt much better about who I was.

I now look at being a CD as a person that has been fortunate to be able to experiance life as from the eyes of both genders. Sure other people and their closed minded, short thinking perspective is something of a negative, but isn't that realy their problem?

I truely hope that with the help and acceptance of a wounderful supportive family you to can see the positive aspects of being able to live life through both genders.

[Nadia-Maria]

Do your best and don't envy others.
Being a CD is certainly not the worst destiny in life...

Kisses

Nadia

[donnasweetheart]

You were given this life because you are a special person. If you think about it you have the best of two worlds.So just accept it and enjoy. Love yourself and be the best person you can be, and don't worry about the why's. God only gives you what you can handle. So enjoy both worlds and be happy. Some don't have the opportunity to experience the things you do.

[docrobbysherry]

Remember, it's easy to curse the darkness. But, better to lite a candle!

[FlygrlChristy]

I've had those same thoughts from time to time, and I'm glad you put it out there in the open for us to ponder. There is just something in all of us that puts us in this mode, and our desire to experience both sides of life and acceptance and not judgement. Some of us just accept the fact that we are wired differently, better than others, while some of us will always struggle with the guilt and shame we hoist upon ourselves. About that addiction thing, it just doesn't fit any of us in my opinion. How many addicts of any kind start as young as most CD's, with the exception of course of some crack babies, or sexual abuse victims, and it's usually the result of some traumatic event. With the exception of being afraid of being caught in your mom's knickers, I don't think enjoying the soft sensuous feel and look of fabric qualifies, since an addiction is defined as something that is harmful to your body.

If I start to really think about all of the trouble this part of me has caused me, in my life and relationships, I would'nt have chosen to be this way, but by the same token I don't feel I chose to be this way, I didn't have a choice.
Do I still do it, yep, do I still enjoy it, yes very much. Do they know why, nope, Do they know what causes autism, or someone to be left handed, no offense to lefties. It just is.

[Holly]

[SIZE=2]Mileena, how lucky we are! What a joyful thing to be able to experience a part of life the is hidden from so many! I would hate being a one-dimensional citizen, only capable of relating to my fellow citizens in one way. We, dear Mileena, are so fortunate to be transgendered. I am as comfortable talking about makeup as I am about baseball. I would not ever want to limit my ability to relate to another human being. I am my wife's lover, confidant, friend, companion, shopping partner, provider, fashion consultant (and she mine ). Oh, I may very well be able to do these things as a non-transgendered person, but do you honestly think it would be as complete? I don't. And I know from my own first hand experience the frustration she goes through when the hair isn't laying right, or not being able to find the right color of shoes to go with a new dress. And seriously, given the choice of satin or polyester, what would you choose? Too many "all males" never even get a chance to choose...sad. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=2]I don't mind having my heels next to my work boots in the closet. It's visual reinforcement I can work hard and play soft... that as a man, I don't fear softness, tenderness, and empathy. And as a woman, I can be strong, independent, and self-sustaining. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=2]And why look with longing at those other people in the amusement park? You CAN be with the guys one-upping stories with them. You CAN be with the girls talking girly things. You CAN walk hand-in-hand with that special person in your life. Mileena, I think we actually got the better end of the bargain.[/SIZE]

[Daintre]

For most of my life I did "curse the darkness" and did bemoan the fact that I was an outcast, not wanted and a pervert....after all thats what I was told over and over. I prayed to God, got angry with God and tried to make a deal with God.....make me a man or woman, don't leave me as I am.

It was through talking with knowledgeable people that started to understand that I can become who I wish to be, I always had the tools, I just lacked the ability to see where I wanted to be. After following life stories here from some members, I believe I have gained the strength to move ahead with being as female as I can.

[Deborah Jane]

Hi Mileena...I have been asking myself the same question again recently.
Having gone through years of denial, i thought i had finally come to terms with this, but just lately i,ve started thinking "why do i feel the need to try to look and act like something i,m not?"...Why didn,t i just keep away from my mums and sisters things when i was a kid?
I guess it,s too late to change the past, but in some ways i do feel life would have been more straight forward without this!

Like has been said.."This is a gift" and i kind of agree with that sentiment!!
But i think some of us just need to figure out why we got it and how it benefits our lives!!

[trannie T]

I do not look upon my crossdressing as a curse and I do not look upon it as a blessing. I do not know why I am the way I am but I accept it.
I have more important things to worry about, such as which panties to wear tomorrow.

[AmandaM]

I think of it as a curse a lot. If I could just get over that part, I think I'd finally find happiness.

But, to cheer myself up, at least I ain't no pedophile! So.... cross dressing, eh, not so bad.

[Melinda G]

It's a gift! Enjoy it. When I'm freshly shaved, all dressed up, and lounging around the house, or walking down the street, feeling the cool breeze on my legs, and hearing my heels on the pavement, I'm just thankful I'm not some poor slob with a beer in one hand and a porn magazine in the other trying to find a little excitement.
I was married for 17 years, wound up with custody of my kids, had my share of girlfriends, and I've never regretted being a CDer. I've been careful to balance it with a normal sex life, came out to no one, and I've had the best of both worlds. It's like having two sex lives. Wouldn't change a thing. Just enjoy it, and go with it, and be thankful for it.

I strongly suspect a lot of men think about, but are afraid to actually try it, because they think they might be gay, or are unsure of their masculinity, or are trying to live up to their macho self image. Too bad for them.

[Nicole Erin]

I have more important things to worry about, such as which panties to wear tomorrow.

How about the ones with polka dots? OK now that THAT is out of the way...

I don't mind being CD. It just means we get to enjoy something in life that most GM's never will. CD'ing is comforting. It is nice on so many levels.

I am glad I am CD.

[CD Susan]

Mileena, I am sorry to hear you feel this way about yourself. We all are individuals and have our own views on why things are the way they are. This is a very complex subject and I doubt that anyone can come up with an answer that would be acceptable to everyone. I used to have the same thoughts that you are experiencing and have come to the conclusion that we are all part of a diverse society and the chance of being this way is possible for everyone long before birth. I have learned to accept the way I am and would not want to be any other way. I look at myself as posessing a gift given to me and I intend to make the best of it. You state that you have an understanding girlfriend. I hope you realize that you are very fortunate in this regard. There has to be millions of us that would love to be so fortunate. My wish for you is to accept who you are and live life to the fullest. Life is just too short to dwell on the whys and what ifs. Just be yourself and be happy.

[NicoleScott]

It's brought me too much pleasure for me to think of crossdressing as a curse. Once I got past the guilt, denial, and purges, etc. (you know) and accepted myself as I am, it only got better. Enjoy the journey.

[Lara Smith]

The more comfortable you become with it, the less of a curse it will be. The image of "high heels next to work boots" is perfect. It really is the best of both worlds. My wife once said, "I wish I got as much enjoyment and as turned on as you do wearing girls clothes!"

[Amy Hepker]

I did not know life was simple or easy. It has not been that way for me.

[Angie G]

I haven't got an answer for that or even ask why I jusy go with it and love it. I love being Angie.
And I love that top hun.
Angie

[Joanne f]

First of all , your life has a reason and purpose, it can be hard at times when you want to dress and you feel that you can`t due to other reasons , where you live, who you live with all plays a part in it , yes it would be easier if we where all male or all female maybe then we would not have these strong desires to do what we do and all the time thinking that there are so many people that would like to stop us or picking on us for doing it . but as you can see on here a lot of the members do go out and have fun and get no problems so it is not all bad plus you have twice the feelings of what you would call a normal person so i guess that makes us twice as good as the so called normal people so just sit back and enjoy it when you can

( i am not applying that thought to the FAB who are supportive of us as they are twice as good as well )


joanne

[Kate Simmons]

Joanne brings out a good point. Being who we are puts us in a unique position of understanding. We may not have that if we were just one or the other. Personally, I cannot imagine my life any other way, so I don't know how so called "normal" people view things.